Helping asexual boyfriend

[whistler]

I am sorry, for the length. This whole subject is new to me. I am very grateful having found this site and hope someone here can help me.

I had an epiphany last night, my boyfriend is asexual. We have been together as close friends for 16 years and dating for 1. We have had minimal sexual experiences. This has caused many problems and sadness for me. In the last few months we have made a compromise that he will snuggle during movies and I will stop asking for sex. I wasn't ok with that, but I do love him immensely and am willing to adjust and he has made it clear that he is not comfortable with anything more.

I being sexual have asked him many questions about his lack of sex drive, I thought it was his age and were discussing medical treatments, he has tried a few in the past and they have never worked. It suddenly occurs to me, he's asexual! Epiphany! He doesn't lack a sex drive, he doesn't need one. I have heard about being asexual before and understand the concept. So I brought it up. I described what I knew about it and to my surprise, he agreed with everything I said. Here is where I need your help with helping him. He is quite a bit older and has antiquated notions of gender and sexuality. Mentioning anything about that subject makes him angry. Figuring this out has completely changed my way of thinking about him. I'm suddenly ok with snuggling. The stress I was feeling towards our sexuality is gone. I can see a future with him now. However, he agrees with the symptoms, says he has been like this for 30 years. He somehow thinks he's broken though. I believe that if he was more willing to learn about this he would be happier. Now that I have figured out what is happening with us, I'm ok. I want him to be ok also. I have in the past told him that I will not leave because of sex. I am not going to see others. I love him as he is. This still holds true.

Does anyone have any ideas on how I can talk to him about this? Do I need to? I don't need him to admit to anything or to adopt any labels he doesn't want. I just need him to be comfortable with himself and not feel "broken". Being this way seems to be painful on some level to him. I just want him to be happy.

[T_S]

Wow. He is certainly lucky to have found someone as understanding as you.

I can understand why he is upset. It is painful, I agree, when you think you are the only one who is different and the only one who has experienced certain harships. Once someone suggested I go to a psychologist and I was very offened. I still do have times where I think I'm somehow, as you said, "broken." However, joining AVEN helped me a lot. I don't know if it would work for him as well, but I know it helped me. Knowing that I was not the only one made me think that maybe asexuality was somehow normal. It was very important for me to find a group of people who could relate to things that I had spent a lifetime thinking I had endured alone.

Also, if you live in the US, I think watching the segments on the View and 20/20 may help. Both shows are running programs about asexuality. This will bring it a decent amount of exposure and may help someone who is unsure and feels alone. (The View segment is on Monday. The 20/20 airdate is to be announced, I believe).

I am terrible at reading people so I don't know if this is actually helpful. It's drawn mostly from my own experiences.

[The Evil Cashew]

WOw! he sure is lucky to have you! *thumbs up*

I know for awhile i used to feel broken but once i joined the community i lost that concept. I dunno how u can help him though... suggesting to learn more about it is a good idea. or you can show him the community.. but if he doesn;t liek to talk about it....

sorry i am not being very helpful.. of i think of anything i will come back and post it..

good luck

~Cashew

[whistler]

Don't get me started on who's lucky. I could write volumes of sonnets on his eyes alone. I have never been a romantic person, but this man has had me so completely wrapped up in him for years, and it's just because he exists.

I have been coming to terms with our relationship over the past year. When the lightbulb in my head finally lit, it was calming.

I really think his anger is because of his age and upbringing. He'll be 60 in a few months. He grew up in a world where men got married and had families. He was married once 30 years ago, and that fell apart on the honeymoon and he was divorced in a few months. He has had realtionships, but they don't last. His family is gone now, but I know they thought of him as a playboy and were not pleased with him. I believe he has a certain concept of what makes a man and he feels he has failed.

He said something to me a few months ago. He was commenting that he had never had a woman stay around long, he said "Once they figure out there that I mean it when I tell them there is no sex, they leave." When he was telling me there was probably a medical problem, I believed him. Although he also said he hasn't had sex in 30 years and he had has had no desire towards me in the 16 years we have been close. That's right, I'm a slow one.

I have really messed things up this past year by not figuring this out. I have been pushy and rude. I have asked for things he cannot give. I have not understood why we would call it dating when our relationship really hasn't changed. We still have 2 houses, he still sleeps in another room. No discernable difference. I have behaved as the women before me probably have. In retaliation he has attacked my weight, my looks, my attitudes and beliefs. I backed him into a corner and I deserved what he has done. The only thing I can say in my defense is that I didn't know and he was lying to me and to himself.

I know he doesn't want to talk about this. I need to talk about this. I need him to be ok, I need him to know that we can stop looking for medical treatments. We can stop worrying about what other people think of how our relationship is supposed to be. Mostly, that we can stop trying to have my relationship and start working on ours. I want to be with him and as long as we can work out the rest of our relationship, celibacy is fine. He has never used a computer and he doesn't want to start, so he can't come here. I think I will pop over on Monday and flip to The View and see if that can open up a dialog. Right now because of how I have behaved, if I bring it up I know he will view it as another request and get angry with me.

[Hu]

You are awesome. Like the others said, your mate is very, very lucky to have you.

I'm not sure what to advise, though. Your task is primarily one of reassurance, and that's up to you. Often it just takes time. The longer you love him without pressuring or abandoning him, the more secure he will feel about the whole thing. I'm sure it hurts to see him feeling broken, but probably the best thing you can do is continue treating him like he's not.

I'd also like to point out that if you introduced him to asexuality, there's a good chance he might be doing some research on his own and trying to figure things out by himself. He sounds like someone who values privacy in these matters.

Good luck, and thanks for sharing! It makes us very happy to hear from such caring and understanding people.

[McBuh]

It is very admirable that you are even trying to understand him. That is compassion, and most people do not understand compassion, as most women simply left when they found out there would be no sex.

I would be cautious, however. You said you had this realization last night. I can think of smokers who have gone a day without a cigarette and think they will never want to smoke again, only to go back to it the next day or week. I don't know your situation, but only going by what you've described, I wouldn't make too much out of the "epiphany"; might you change your mind again about celibacy?

Also, talking is not like sex, where if one person doesn't want it, it shouldn't happen. If one of you wants to talk, the other should agree to this, even if he doesn't want to.

[whistler]

We have had 16 years together without sex and plenty of opportunity for it. I should have caught on years ago. I can go without sex if I have the emotional relationship. I have been celibate for 2 years already and for 6 of the years we were together I was married to a man I rarely slept with (his girlfriends didn't like that) :lol: It was just a relief to finally figure out our relationship. I can quit asking, he can quit making excuses. The no-sex issue is obviously mine as he's ok with it.

As far as talking, you know the more I think about it, the more I realise he's already been telling me for years. We have been talking about it, I just wasn't listening. I've decided that if he wants to talk anymore about it, he'll bring it up. He does on occasion (if I listen) and he's very open and responsive when I tell him how I'm feeling.

I was at his house last night and had a great time. Watched bad movies, ate chinese on the couch. played with the dog, kicked his butt at cards. Then we went to our seperate bedrooms and slept. He woke me up with breakfast in bed and a bath run. I get all of that, plus total commitment and love? Heck, I'm not giving him up for anything ever again.

[stormsrace]

My husband and I just realized the name for our relationship is Asexual. He is asexual and I am not. Over the last fourteen years, this has caused many problems. Problems that I guess I must have blamed on me. I would tell myself that it must be me. He just is not interested in me. Then I found this sight, after realizing that there has to be more to it. He would tell me that he had little to no sex drive. I just did not realize that is was a way of life for him.

However; right now, I feel like what we have had has not been real. That the sex we did have was not out of desire but he felt it was what would keep me w/ him. I am more hurt I guess and angry at myself for not realizing sooner. I just don't know what to do...and I don't know who to talk to. For the first time in my life, I am totally lost, and I do not know how to find myself.

sorry for the ramble, hoping it might make me feel better.

[The Evil Cashew]

I think the first step is talkingto him about it. well that is if you feel comfortable with the topic. u might want ot inform yourself first. but not sure.

sorry i can;t offer more/better advice. i am sure others here can though.

take care!

~Cashew

[Nero laughed]

I agree with Cashew Stormsrace, talk to your hubby and express yourself the way you have done here. Healing begins with understanding. I can appreciate how you're feeling. I'm sure your hubby hasn't done anything that he really didn't want to. And I'm pretty sure that he did so because he loves you, not just because he wanted you to stay. Time will reveal what you need to know. It might seem dark, but it will be ok.

[skiter]

Many say that talking with your partner is the best approach. I don't agree that this is always true.

For my asexual partner, talking about asexuality, or sex, is intensely threatening. Over the years I've tried talking, counseling, begging, and everything in between.

If we didn't have kids, I could just leave. But that's not my situation. I have to stick in there and make the best of it, for the sake of my kids and family.

Many people are in my situation. For them, I think the best starting point is to learn how to accept your situation. Use counseling, religion, support groups, exercise, whatever it takes.

To find peace, first look inward, at yourself, your mind, thoughts and conditioned attitudes. Find a way to accept your situation, accept your pain, reset your conditioned responses. Then you can deal with your external situation more effectively.

Well - there's my $.02.

[skiter]

Nero_laughed - why do you assume benign motivations to stormsrace partner? Has he been totally open, disclosed how he really feels, proactively helped his partner understand? No - stormsrace had to figure it out after years of pain.

Withdrawing the support that your partner depends on is a severe act. Letting your partner carry on hoping for something that isn't going to happen is a form of manipulation, not an act of love, even if it is done unconciously.

Having said that, I agree with your statement - time will reveal what you need to know.

[prairie girl]

Skiter --- I agree, communication, talking would help, but my asexual partner, like yours, is also terribly threatened if I bring up the subject. We've been married 15 years, have had sex seven times. The seventh time was the result of me having a middle of the night hysterical fit over our lack of sex .... he obliged me the next night and then never again. That was in 1997. He just does not want to talk about it. He becomes so uncomfortable if sex is even mentioned that it makes me feel uncomfortable myself and bad for him ,so for the last several years I've just given up. We don't speak the word "sex".

I feel pretty bad about it all, but finding this site has helped ... just good to know what's going on and that I'm not alone.

I think the combination of lack of sex and lack of honesty on his part signals the end of our marriage, but for now I have to stay because of finances, kids, family etc. I feel really tricked, although I am quite sure he didn't intentionally deceive me.