WHY does everyone think sex is the most important part of a relationship?!

[alibali]

Sex is important to 99% of people regardless of culture. It becomes more important in a relationship when one person sees it as important and the other doesn't. Then it becomes hugely important because one is bothered by the lack of and the other tries to avoid it. For people who are well matched it's just part of it.

[God of the Forest]

People (in general) cannot think for themselves. Society says that sex is the most important thing. So, that's what they believe or profess to believe.

Other way round. Sex is important in culture because it's important to people. Sexuals are not dupes of some cultural con. Saying we can't think for ourselves is incredibly insulting.

I think its a combination of the two perhaps? I agree with telecaster that we as individuals are what make up society, but I also believe that we as individuals have the ability to put out into the world what we feel is important or ideal (via writing books, filmmaking, youtube, blogs, facebook, etc) (Example: Tom has a successful youtube channel and makes a video talking about what's important to him in a relationship..sex being one of things) its possible that someone who is impressionable and doesn't quite have a grasp on what they feel is important to them in a relationship yet will watch that and adopt some of tom's ideals, such as sex. But I also believe that we as individuals are made up of what we are born as, what we are raised to be and what we are exposed to, so we could watch that video that Tom made and disagree with him because we've already developed a sense of what is important to us via prior experience or how we were raised.

So it pretty much depends on the individuals circumstances.

[alibali]

I would say the real issue that has affected you and I Tele. When I was young I didn't have the feelings I was supposed to have, so I was completely driven by culture, and a culture that didn't (still doesn't) accept that some individuals are different. What else could I have done. Couple that with a time period not that dissimilar from the 50s where women were expected to suppress themselves to look after their men. Years of blame, but also some powerful culture shifting, growing wiser later....

And just because 99% of the population has sexual feelings to some degree doesn't invalidate those of us who haven't, as individuals. It just makes life that bit harder for us, and those who love us....or not.

[- - -]

well for most people (who i refer to as "humansexuals") sex is the basis of been in a relationship... free shags whenever you want i suppose. i dont understand it cos i dont want to have sex (very repulsed) but then im... very different so i dont really count (my object bf doesnt want sex so i never need to even think about it)

i have no idea why its so important to everyone else but it is and you/we are the minority here...

[Ace of Amethysts]

People (in general) cannot think for themselves. Society says that sex is the most important thing. So, that's what they believe or profess to believe.

Other way round. Sex is important in culture because it's important to people. Sexuals are not dupes of some cultural con. Saying we can't think for ourselves is incredibly insulting.

I will stand with Telecaster on this.

Edit: I know I once believed that myself, but I realize that it was biased and delusional to do so. I`m sorry Telecaster, and all other AVEN sexuals. :(

[Suede (8)]

Hi, I guess it's because we're (or society is) used to thinking:

couple = two people in love = people who love and care for each other and have sex...

I've struggled with the idea of having a relationship because I have issues with having sex but I also think that I'd probably never find anyone willing to be in a relationship without sex.

[El-not-so-ace]

I'm a very impressionable person, but when I was an ace, no matter how much society pushed me, I didn't want sexy times. No matter how impressionable a person is, they might get a bit confused at soe point, but they won't feel it as such a necessity unless they feel it from inside their being. :)

[kappapeachie]

it really depends but sex is not the most important unless you wanna please your sex hungry partner.

[CatClawz]

Yikes. First off, this turned into a bloodbath. Anyways, here's my imput.

Do what works for you. Everybody is different. In a relationship there is supposed to be compromise, because you love each other and are both willing to sacrifice a bit for the other. Put yourself in your partner's shoes, walk a mile in them, and make a decision based on that. Talk it out, try to understand each other. It doesn't need to be strictly "sex sex sex all the time" or "nope, no sex at all", just like people don't have to be only "straight" or "gay". There are other choices out there, and you can consider and talk about them all with your partner, seeing what works out best for the both of you.

 

Hope this was helpful and not super offensive to everyone xD.

[Tortuga]

As an ace, I personally don't believe in s3x, but most do. Now, I don't get why it's so important, but as catclawz said, compromise... My personal viewpoint is that

Spoiler

People who are interested in nothing but sex are basically turning their partners into unpaid personal prostitutes. Balance, peoples! Sex is not the most important part of a relationship for me, and it never will be. 

 

[Tortuga]

Sadly,  I'm but a teenager and I've heard rumor of it in school...  :C 

[Éadweard]

It’s simple: everyone isn’t asexual. 

 

Maybe be we should stop trying to dictate to other people who aren’t asexual how they should define their own relationships and stop shaming them for the importance they place on sex. They’re never going to be asexual so let’s stop trying to change them and focus on our own issues. 

[IronHamster]

26 minutes ago, Just like Jughead said:

It’s simple: everyone isn’t asexual. 

 

Maybe be we should stop trying to dictate to other people who aren’t asexual how they should define their own relationships and stop shaming them for the importance they place on sex. They’re never going to be asexual so let’s stop trying to change them and focus on our own issues. 

No shit:  on this site, this ^^^^^^  cannot be drilled in enough.   

[Janus the Fox]

Most don't, a relationship has a multitude of facets to them, romance and emotional bonding is key, communication is key and the natural chemistry between people.  Say is maybe the more end goal of a maintainable bond, for most everything else is key first.

[nate-1234]

The reason why sex is stressed so heavily in relationships is because sexuals are the majority. For a lot of sexual people they have an urge or craving for partnered sex. Media is run by sexuals (heterosexuals, homosexuals, bisexuals etc.) and created for sexuals. So again when they portray their sexual attraction it is not too shocking or unrelatable as it would be for asexuals. Sexuals no matter what orientation still have that one thing that links all of them together-sexual attraction.

 

According to my observations from media, strangers, friends, and family, it seems that part of sexuals initial attraction to someone has a sexual component to it. In other words, most sexuals need to be sexually attracted to someone to desire a relationship. 

 

Say a man saw a woman who he found sexually attractive in a bar, he approaches her because he desires sexual/romantic relationship with her. He then takes her on a few dates and the woman it satisfied with kissing, cuddling, and hugging but the man is not, he wants more. He expresses that he wants sex and she reveals her asexual status. Now this relationship would not work because the sexual man's natural urge is not being fulfilled. 

 

I know that it is frustrating I want a romantic relationship too, but it is important to understand that sexuals are different than us and have needs too. It might seem like they are being shallow, or that they do not like you enough to stay, but if their needs are not being met to feel like they are in a happy healthy relationship, then they leave.

[mrcurious]

Hi I like your article.It's sad most people think sex is the most important part of the relationship.Like you said it should just be a bonus.When I am with a lady I don't think about sex. I just want to be with them, enjoy their company, go to the movies, a nice dinner etc. I don't see how people are connected during sex. When you first meet a person for something serious there must be something you like about the person. There should be a connection before sex takes place.

[Gldlynch]

Sex is supposedly the most important part because it is when two humans are the closest to each other - physically. I mean... I guess it's true... two people can't get any closer than when one person inserts a part of their anatomy inside of another. But tbh this doesn't really phase me. Intimacy can take place in so many more shapes and forms, exploring those different ways is another opportunity to become closer to your partner.

[alibali]

It is logical that sex is the most important part of most romantic relationships, simply because most sexuals don't seem to think a relationship is important without it.

 

That is most obvious in a mixed relationship. Certainly in my case I eventually didn't feel valued as an individual, because although we had an active sex life earlier in the marriage, when it dwindled I was treated badly. Sex was absolutely necessary in our relationship....to my ex.

[SilentReader]

Reading through this thread, I’m kind of at a loss as to why some of you are here.

 

I’m sure this sounds weird, but I like to read through forums as a pass time.  I think it’s interesting to see how other people think about things.

 

Anyway, I stumbled on here because I was feeling very similar to the op.  I’m not ace, I am sexual person.  However, I intensely dislike how much importance people place on sex in relationships.  To be clear treated something as the end all be all =\= caring about something.  I love having sex with my partner but it’s not the most important part of our relationship nor is the most meaningful thing he does for me.

 

For us, our sex life exponentially improved when we stopped putting so much emphasis on it on and only do it when we really want to.  He was having anxiety trying to please me I was feeling insecure, it was a mess lol.

 

Wanting sex is natural for many people and nothing to be ashamed of but I do think we have been raised with unhealthy ideas about it and place it on this upsurdly high pedestal.  

 

For me, many times I do feel very close to my partner after sex, but other times it’s just something we do when we’re bored lol.  I also feel very close to him when we watch movies together and can’t stop laughing, talking until 3 in the morning, walking through the city etc.  

 

Again, there’s nothing wrong with wanting sex but this idea that is the “ultimate”/“truest” form of intimacy and love that people can ever hope to achieve?  Calm down, honestly lol.

 

Back to my first statement, it seems weird to me that they’re are so many sexual people who feel the need to argue in this space.  I mean the site is called asexuality.org what were you expecting?

 

Idk for me, I know what I’m getting into when I go these forums.  I expect people will say things I may not agree with and be airing out their frustrations.  It doesn’t offend me that some people don’t like sex or may even hate it.  That’s their experience.

 

This may sound exclusionary but, I don’t think every space needs to be for everyone.  Going onto an asexuality forum and getting mad that people don’t like sex is like going to church and getting mad that no one wants to debate the existence of god with you.

 

If it’s really that important that you change someone’s mind, you might want to do that rationally than by picking a fight - that’s only going to make people dig in their heels more. 

[Graham cracker]

Oh my god, YES.

I think sex should be saved after marriage. None of us should be having sex, especially if we're in the early stages of life. 

 

This is kind of off topic here, but this is torwards others who go down the terrible route. YOU PEOPLE ONLY WANT OTHERS BY THEIR LOOKS THESE DAYS! You think you can see through a cute girl/guy but  you can't. You actually HAVE TO GET TO KNOW  THE PERSON  before dating them. Who do you think you are? A fucking genie?

 

 

If you let some dude/girl start date you only because of your looks and not because they know you  YOU ARE ONLY LEVERING THEM INTO SEX! Don't EVER give them the impression that they only like you only because they think you look sexy. Cause if you start dating those people they will expect sex and that's where breakups happen, if you don't give them sex they will look for another individual to brainwash and cheat on you with. You should NEVER consent to sex until you're both adults and married, but if you guys want to do it if you knew eachother long enough and you think you're ready. Go right ahead, i don't give a shit. But still DON'T DO IT AT SUCH EARLY AGES! I CAN'T STRESS IT ENOUGH!!! WAIT ATLEAST UNTIL YOUR 20S! YOU HAVE OTHER STUFF TO WORRY ABOUT AND YOU ARE RISKING YOURSELF OF TEENAGE PREGNANCY! 

[James121]

On 7/24/2016 at 6:53 PM, Confusion 0 said:

I know, but I specifically turned it on because I like to know when people are quoting me. I just don't like it when people quote things I said ages ago, and have since retracted...

Me too

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

How do you do that without dating them? 

Probably depends on how you meet them to begin with, no?

[Homer]

17 hours ago, Graham cracker said:

I think sex should be saved after marriage.  (...) DON'T DO IT AT SUCH EARLY AGES! I CAN'T STRESS IT ENOUGH!!! WAIT ATLEAST UNTIL YOUR 20S! YOU HAVE OTHER STUFF TO WORRY ABOUT AND YOU ARE RISKING YOURSELF OF TEENAGE PREGNANCY! 

Here's the thing I don't get. How is making a huge mistake at 20 or 21 any different than at, say, 18? Not sex per se - if you want to go for it, go ahead. Yet there's always a risk of catching a STI or unwanted pregnancy or whatever. A couple of months of age don't change that. Neither does some paperwork change that.

 

Either people are responsible or they aren't, regardless of age.

 

@Telecaster68 I know a bunch of people fairly well, but I haven't been on a date all my life. School, uni, work, hobbies, friends' friends...

[Homer]

This is where I hit the usual wall of not knowing what "dating" separates "people hanging out". Sigh.

[alibali]

37 minutes ago, Homer said:

This is where I hit the usual wall of not knowing what "dating" separates "people hanging out". Sigh.

No expectation of physical intimacy basically from either side. Safe.

[anisotrophic]

Refusing to have sex until a serious legal action has been taken to bind you to that potential sexual partner... makes sex seem pretty important to a relationship.

[ryn2]

29 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Or exclusivity. 

Going on a date doesn’t imply exclusivity, at least in the US.  It just says you’re considering the potential of something different than friendship.

[LeChat]

7 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

It does for the duration of the date, I assume, which is different to hanging. And presumably if you're 'dating' as an ongoing thing, it implies exclusivity. 

I used to think dating was exclusive, too, due to my upbringing, but, apparently the younger generation doesn't think of dating that way. It's thought of as more casual/hooking up than in previous generations.

http://www.startribune.com/casual-dating-has-millennials-confused/291872141/

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

It does for the duration of the date, I assume, which is different to hanging.

Oh, so you mean a 1:1 event rather than a group of friends gathering?  I was comparing lunch-that’s-a-date (or dinner, drinks, movie, whatever) with lunch-with-a-friend.

 

1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

presumably if you're 'dating' as an ongoing thing, it implies exclusivity. 

Here, at least, that falls under “always discuss/confirm, never

assume.”

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, Ceebs. said:

 

Man, I wish hanging out with a friend implied exclusivity for the duration of the... hanging-out date. I hate unanticipated guests when you're spending time someone. I remember being about seven years old and getting really hurt when I was spending time with a friend for the afternoon, at her place, and she invited a third person over at one point. I was a very selective and one-on-one child, and mostly still am as an adult (although certainly I conduct myself differently now, I don't go pout in the corner if there's more than one person, lol).

 

Same!  I don’t mind going out with a group but I want to know that beforehand, not be surprised by it when I get there.