WHY does everyone think sex is the most important part of a relationship?!

[ValentinaCake]

I completely agree with you. It is so frustrating...all the time. Have you ever watched Korean dramas? They give me hope that at least somewhere in the world, relationships can be built on romantic love and not sex. 99% of dramas don't have sex scenes and don't mention sex at all. It's great! They're just all warm fuzzies and perfect love stories. I realize that Korean culture is not exactly like that...but at least their media isn't over-sexualised like the Western world's.

[Isa]

I think most of misunderstandings about this subject are caused because there's this default assumption in our society, that sex makes relationship real and that everone craves for it. And if there's no sex then love or relationship can't be real. It's the same with still common assumption that everyone is straight, or that life can't be complete if one's not in a relationship, etc.

That's what causes such a strong resistance in many aces (including myself), who've been told since they were kids how they're broken or unnatural because they don't want this one thing majority sees as perhaps the most important point in a relationship. If one has to fight for their right to feel and exist while constantly being belittled and ridiculed it mostly leads to cynicism and looking down on their "oppressors". It's wrong to assume everyone has or should have similar preferences, and ofc it goes both ways.

Just couple of days ago I was a part of a converstation where other females around spoke like it'd be an universal truth or something that big penis size matters the most, and if it's not big enough, it's okay to dump a person. When I asked why would you dump otherwise a wonderful person just because of a body part they can't do anything about, they immediately felt so threatened that they told me to stay out of it. I didn't even demand them to share my views, I just questioned theirs. To me it seemed they just got a little taste what it's mostly like for aces, and they didn't like it one bit.

Many heartbreaks could be avoided if people were able to talk with each other about what's most important for them in the beginning of a relationship. Instead they tend to wait til the bond is formed, and THEN, when sex is tried and doesn't work for some reason, problems emerge. I've also caused suffering at least for two people, when I still didn't know about asexuality. I had fallen for the propaganda that sex NEEDS to be there and that everyone MUST want it, so while grinding my teeth I tried to behave like everyone else. I tried to pretend I liked it although I hated it, and of course they noticed it. And in both cases we ended up feeling that we're broken.

I'm pretty sure it'll be evened now that awareness about different sexualities is becoming more common, and when the old strict assumptions will eventually start fading. People who still don't know, and especially the youth need to be told that they are just as normal even if they're part of minority, and that they just need to find a partner that shares their views, just like sexuals do. All the suffering is caused because peope assume things about their partner. When they find out their assumptions were wrong, they try to change their partner, and are disappointed when it turns out to be impossible.

[Sockstealingnome]

I wasn't trying to argue

Funny... that's what the whole "anyone who disagrees with me is wrong/full of themselves/a Big Stupid Doodoo Head" thing sure tries to come across as

If you weren't trying to present an argument, you wouldn't have to qualify it with a statement that we may or may not disagree with it

Correction: an argument to me means both sides bringing up their talking points and hashing it out. I wasn't trying to do that. I was shutting it down.

[Amedot]

I still don't actually understand it. I'm in a QPP with a sexual, and while I know she wants and likes sex, she can live quite happily without it or seek it from others, or we can compromise together (which is so rare). My closest friends are totally okay without sex in a relationship if their partner doesn't want it / is sexually repulsed. So I guess I just don't get it either, because the people I'm closest to seem to really understand asexuality and don't feel like sex is the most important part to the relationship (they may think it's an important factor, just not the most important)

[Ms.Frankenstein]

OP, I totally get where you are coming from. Like others mentioned I fell for the idea that sex is an integral part of a relationship and I just tried to pretend to like it. Now I want to rip my skin off when I look back on it, so clearly doing it because it's "expected" was a horrible thing for me to do. It's a seriously annoying contradiction in society; we're constantly reminded that it's OK to not have sex if you don't want to, while at the same time being constantly reminded that we're supposed to want to, eventually.

I get that it's important to people. I don't understand WHY and maybe I never will. I can't fathom how what I view as a purely physical and really kind of gross act is so important to people. It makes no sense. But having been in a relationship with someone who had a super high sex drive, I understand your frustration completely. I felt utterly starved for intimacy because to him, intimacy = sex and whenever I tried to get intimacy, it turned into sex. "Sex is such an important part of a relationship" vs "my ideal lifestyle is celibacy" really does not work out well.

[Ace of Amethysts]

It seems kinda silly that sexuals can get depressed from something as tiny as lack of sex in a relationship. Sorry, just being honest.

That's incredibly rude and amazingly self-centered. If I said it's silly that people can get depressed from something as tiny as the wrong pronouns, how'd you feel about that?

Try, just for a second, imagining you're someone other than yourself.

Pronouns are a different issue. Pronouns are connected to how someone identifies, how they feel they are deep inside. To have that not recognised would be horrible. Sex, however, is just an activity. I don't see the comparison.

Pronouns are just words. They're not connected to anything. It's just an action, it's literally just someone's mouth moving to form words. Meanwhile sex is the most complete manifestation of emotion... it's a combination of intense trust, vulnerability, ecstasy, and the most emotional exchange in the world. I don't see the comparison.

See how that works?!

What the hell is this? On an asexual forum, you can`t even give a general description of sex to asexuals without using phrases like "intense trust" and "most emotional exchange in the world". You`d say that to a place that`s supposed to be a safe space for asexuals to get away from this kind of "sex is the height of emotion" rhetoric? This is why you`re about to be banned.

[Ace of Amethysts]

It`s not "attacking", but it is language that doesn`t help aces` case.

[Ace of Amethysts]

Sure it is.

[Ace of Amethysts]

No.

[timewarp]

It seems kinda silly that sexuals can get depressed from something as tiny as lack of sex in a relationship. Sorry, just being honest.

That's incredibly rude and amazingly self-centered. If I said it's silly that people can get depressed from something as tiny as the wrong pronouns, how'd you feel about that?

Try, just for a second, imagining you're someone other than yourself.

Pronouns are a different issue. Pronouns are connected to how someone identifies, how they feel they are deep inside. To have that not recognised would be horrible. Sex, however, is just an activity. I don't see the comparison.

Pronouns are just words. They're not connected to anything. It's just an action, it's literally just someone's mouth moving to form words. Meanwhile sex is the most complete manifestation of emotion... it's a combination of intense trust, vulnerability, ecstasy, and the most emotional exchange in the world. I don't see the comparison.

See how that works?!

What the hell is this? On an asexual forum, you can`t even give a general description of sex to asexuals without using phrases like "intense trust" and "most emotional exchange in the world". You`d say that to a place that`s supposed to be a safe space for asexuals to get away from this kind of "sex is the height of emotion" rhetoric? This is why you`re about to be banned.

I think Skulls only turned what you said around (hence the "See how that works?") for the sake of making a point there. Sure, for us aces sex is just an activity and more or less meaningless, but for sexuals it is indeed "how they identify, how they feel they are deep inside". I can't see an attack in what Skulls posted.

EDIT: Sorry, just noticed that it wasn't you Skulls replied to, but Confusion0... my bad, just got confused by all those quotes. Doesn't really change my comment though...

[Homer]

I don't think that everyone does think like that. Not even almost anyone or what have you.

It depends on the setup of the relationship. If the people involved share a bond and they're close to each other, if they share a similar view of the world and if they're trying to accomplish similar things, sex wouldn't be the most important thing.

If people get together because of looks/hotness without really fitting together otherwise then yes, sex would be the glue to their relationship. The relationship won't last long then...

If we had an "annoying things aces/aros say" thread, a question like the title of his thread might be a favourite.

There are different deal breakers for everyone and that's just... okay. Be it sex (or the lack thereof), be it the wish to procreate (or not), be it someone allergic to the partner's favourite food or a family member they don't like. Sex is just an as legitimate deal breaker as everything else is.

[Skycaptain]

Everybody can we please keep to the topic in hand

Disciplinary action against a member is confidential

a ToS breach should be reported, not discussed in the thread

Skycaptain, musi-rants moderator

[Guest]

Lol... It's not a TOS breach, and yes, time warp, I was making a point... that feelings are subjective and that anyone can make anything sound significant or trivial based on the language they use.

Nice to see you back stalking and attacking me, AoA. Clearly shouldn't have be tricked into thinking you were actually being nice by PMing me... good on you, though, I did fall for it and that's not exactly an easy thing to get me to do. Well played.

[Confusion 0]

Stop quoting my posts.

[Guest]

You can turn off your quote notifications if that helps.

[Confusion 0]

I know, but I specifically turned it on because I like to know when people are quoting me. I just don't like it when people quote things I said ages ago, and have since retracted...

[Guest]

I'm sorry... not that it helps, but I'm not exactly a fan of what's been going down in this thread either. 😂

[Skycaptain]

Back to the original concept. I can understand that within a relationship the exchange of body fluids, potentially creating a baby, transferring an STD and such could well be the ultimate expression of trust in the other person involved. Whichever your orientation people are allowing their most intimate parts to be touched, inserted, penetrated, stimulated or whatever. I've no experience personally. But I can understand why those in a relationship would regard such intimate and personal interaction as the ultimate affirmation of a relationship

[manny-senpai]

I understand why most people think sex in a relationship if very important. I also understand the reasoning behind the actions when you are in a relationship, but then why do people put so much meaning in recreational sex?

[Guest]

I understand why most people think sex in a relationship if very important. I also understand the reasoning behind the actions when you are in a relationship, but then why do people put so much meaning in recreational sex?

I don't necessarily think people put meaning into casual sex, not in the same way. Casual sex can be an ego boost, or at least a reminder that people find you attractive, it can mean bragging points with friends, it can make you feel connected with your humanity in a unique way... and of course the funness aspect... but I don't think people usually put much emotional meaning into it.

[alibali]

I now identify as asexual, but in my youth especially I had several sexual encounters which were purely ego boost. I believed that was normal. I would also say the same for the start of long term relationships. So even though the relationship was something I wanted, the sex was just to prove I was a woman, and wanted. I honestly thought it was normal to do stuff without wanting to, for ulterior motives!!! At one point I thought I would make a good prostitute because I could pretend and it meant nothing. Trouble is in longer term relationships with a sexual you begin to realise not everyone, and certainly not your partner, feels like sex is not important and just a culturally bound thing.....for getting what you want....approbation, acknowledgement as a woman, more sinister stuff like an open credit card. Should have realised earlier. ..but didn't. Hard for sexuals to understand that you have to find something you can get out of doing something you hate but feel compelled to do, either culturally or by a partner. That's just me though. I just wanted to be "normal" so looked for the positive until it turned my stomach and there was nothing left.

[J.T. Grey]

I've never understood how some people think the only thing that's important is the sex. What SHOULD be the most important is that you two are compatible as FRIENDS first and can tolerate each other, not because you want to just bang and that's it.

I don't like it when people are only around each other for the sex. Don't they ever want to do something else?

[nanogretchen4]

If asexuals choose to date within their orientation, this sort of confusion will not arise and they will never need to worry about it. The problem is when someone dates sexuals and expects them not to be sexual.

[alibali]

I don't think it is the most important thing, but according to the few sexuals I have discussed it with, it is integral to a fulfilling relationship. Doesn't bode well for any asexual wanting a relationship with a sexual. But that's the way it is.

[Lacie]

"I understand that sex can be important to many people. They are not wrong to want sex or need that in a relationship. But that does not discount MY struggles as an asexual person who does not desire sex."

(I haven't read the rest of this thread, but had to post straight away because I feel this soooo much right now.)

I think I feel very similarly to you. The divide between not placing much/any importance on sex in a romantic relationship and having to confront the reality that a lot of people DO feel that importance is very overwhelming for me. It's just such a different experience that it can be hard to put yourself in the shoes of people who place a lot of importance on sex - and the reverse clearly applies, too.

I am scared of one day liking someone and wanting to be in a relationship with them only to find out that sex really is that important to them, and we simply won't be compatible because I'm not willing to compromise on sex. It's very disorienting to think that sex could be so important to someone that a relationship just won't work without it specifically between me and them (honestly I wouldn't care if someone I was in a romantic relationship with had sex with someone else instead, though). People can't understand everything about each other, but something so big feels weird being lost in translation, so to speak. It's upsetting not to be able to understand something important to something you love, and equally upsetting to not feel understood about something that is so unthinkable to you.

huge sighhhhhh. God I hope it never happens. x( (And I've been seeing heaps of 'romantic' posts lately with sex being right up there at the top of the Important Stuff list, too. It doesn't help these thoughts at all.)

/distressed

[Aloki24601]

Confusion,

You have nothing to be sorry about. It is completely reasonable to want to discuss your realization of the weight and gravity many people place on something, which simply doesn't have the same weight to you. It's completely reasonable to feel annoyed that there is ONE component to a relationship made up of many components that seems to universally trump any other components of a relationship. It is okay for you to grapple with why what you value most on a relationship and to be of significantly smaller value to many others.

Your comment was not in any way insulting to people who think and experience life and relationships differently than you. It's totally acceptable to express frustration in the way that you did.

It would be really wonderful and productive for people who DO identify sex as a top priority in a relationship to explain their perspective, and that includes room to express feeling like their preferences also feel belittled out out down by people who share a different view.

It is unacceptable for anyone to be hostile towards a specific individual and you did not do that.

That said, PlaidClash, I really had no idea before finding this site how important and intimate sex is for sexual people. I never really thought of it as a means to express their love for another, and to have that means of expression to be cut off must be hard. However, I think part of your frustration may be that our culture (I'm in USA) projects sex as such a superficial act. It is used to sell cars, magazines, Doritos, bands, everything. We experience/witness cat calling on a daily basis (I live in a city) - and I'm a woman but even if it's not me, I see men looking at women's bodies, joking about it. The " I wanna tap that" language and culture, is not representative of the deep intimacy others say they feel and express through sex. This is a huge disconnect for me.

I try to relate it to hugging, while I recognize that not everyone reading this feels our exposes section through his, but I do. It is very natural to me. If my partner said they felt uncomfortable with hugs and never wanted a hug from me, that would be hard for me to understand, and actually really hard for me to abstain as it's so instinctive. It is a way I feel close to someone and imagine that I would feel a void with out it. I don't think I'd view that as the top priority, and think I'd be willing to work around that so long as we worked on a way that I did have a way to express my love. I think we could figure something out. That's how I try to relate to it in my mind. Idk if that helps.

Ultimately it is a really frustrating experience for me to realize that emotional connection, intellectual connection, compassion, personality compatibility and the ability to encourage and challenge a partner to be the best they can be aren't as high of a priority as a physical expression (which incorporates strong emotional connection as well) because it makes finding a relationship seem hopeless. It makes it feel like the one thing I cannot offer in a relationship wipes out the rest of the value I would bring and that is really frustrating. Especially when people say that not being able to offer sex to a partner is selfish. Who I am is not selfish. And someone who is sexual is also not selfish for being sexual. It just stinks that we as asexuals are so vastly outnumbered and have a hard time finding people who share our values.

[Blondbeard]

Hey guys!

I'm so annoyed right now... Or I guess, insecure. I was just trolling through the internet, as I always do, when I came upon a serious of tumblr posts describing the most perfect relationship. All of the posts revolved around sex or at least mentioned sex as being a key component to a solid relationship. It makes me really upset to think that most other people put so much weight on sex. It's the deal breaker, in many cases.

I am sex-positive, I am open to having sex and would eventually like to try it out. It's just scary to think that while in a relationship, I might fall in love with someone's personality, my partner might fall in love with something as superficial as sex. Is that love?

This post is coming from a hopeless romantic. I am in love with the idea of being in love. I'm just really disappointed to find out that romantic love is not what I thought it would be. It's shallow.

Is sex really the best way to show affection? I crave the innocent cute parts of a relationship.

I know a lot of allosexual/non-asexual people would agree that sex is NOT the MOST important thing in a relationship, but they still act like it's pretty important. I just want to be with someone who looks at sex like it's a bonus, like it's not expected. Like they would still happily be with me, even if I didn't want to have sex. It's just so frustrating :/ Do you guys know what I mean? Sorry, I know it's a stupid thing to get all uptight about.

EDIT: Guys, there is no need to get butthurt. I understand that sex can be important to many people. They are not wrong to want sex or need that in a relationship. But that does not discount MY struggles as an asexual person who does not desire sex.

I think you dont really think sex isnt important, what you do think is not doing sex is importan, those are two different concepts that look alike but are very different.

If sex is not important then you could have sex constantlly, or you could ask an hetero to have sex with a person of his own sed or a guy have sex with his sister. Sex is VERY important, not only important, is a deal breaker.

When my ex and me tried to figure out if our relationship could work she told me that breaking up because lack of sex was silly and inmature because sex is not important, I answered that since sex is not important she should allow me to have sex eith every girl I wanted, of course she got mad and suicidal because she didnt mean sex was not important, sex was a big deal, what was not important is not having sex. But having sex,me having sex with other people that became more important than any other thing.

When a relationship have good sex everything looks and feel better, if not, for somebody who is sexual, the other parts of the relationship become dull and sad, I mean of course if you already like sex, if you dislike sex thats a different story.

[Sally]

When a relationship have good sex everything looks and feel better, if not, for somebody who is sexual, the other parts of the relationship become dull and sad.

Neither of those situations are true for everyone. Making such sweeping statements doesn't help anyone.

[Blondbeard]

When a relationship have good sex everything looks and feel better, if not, for somebody who is sexual, the other parts of the relationship become dull and sad.

Neither of those situations are true for everyone. Making such sweeping statements doesn't help anyone.

Sure they are not for everyone, I obviouly meant that It's like that for people who likes sex, since this thread is about why people think sex is important. But I will edit to make that clear.

[Novine]

People (in general) cannot think for themselves. Society says that sex is the most important thing. So, that's what they believe or profess to believe.