WHY does everyone think sex is the most important part of a relationship?!

[Guest]

Just FYI, I tend to sound more upset than I am. Something about how I type. Also the autism thing. Also I tend to mirror people's attitudes. So yes, I'm sorry if I made you feel bad... was just attempting to demonstrate that what is or isn't important to one person doesn't really hold ground as to what is or isn't important to someone else. I really, legitimately don't care about gender, but I also legitimately hate when people use their subjective feeling that gender doesn't matter to discredit trans folk. I see this sex thing as the same thing. I mean, I find most heterosexual sex to look bizarre and unloving too, but I'm aware that that's just my perception, and I've never thought it was my right to demand straight people explain to me why I'm wrong.

[poindexter]

Not a hopeless romantic - the whole love game just seems weird to me, people jump through all kinds of hoops and complicate their lives to ridiculous extremes just so they can call themselves lovers. Why is being in a relationship better than just being friends?

Sex is a biological and psychological need for most people, like the Maslow's bottom tier kind of need. Beyond that, there isn't really a reason, like there's not really a reason you like to eat pizza, other than "because it tastes nice". It doesn't mean they're shallow or that they don't like other aspects of being in a relationship too, they just feel things you don't and therefore ascribe a much higher value to sex than you do.

[Confusion 0]

Just FYI, I tend to sound more upset than I am. Something about how I type. Also the autism thing. Also I tend to mirror people's attitudes. So yes, I'm sorry if I made you feel bad... was just attempting to demonstrate that what is or isn't important to one person doesn't really hold ground as to what is or isn't important to someone else. I really, legitimately don't care about gender, but I also legitimately hate when people use their subjective feeling that gender doesn't matter to discredit trans folk. I see this sex thing as the same thing. I mean, I find most heterosexual sex to look bizarre and unloving too, but I'm aware that that's just my perception, and I've never thought it was my right to demand straight people explain to me why I'm wrong.

I know, I understand. I'm just good at neglecting to consider other people's feelings when saying things. I do it all the time, and I hate it. It was ignorant of me to post that first comment in the first place, but I didn't even give it a second thought.

I am genuinely sorry though. I hate causing upset of any kind. Hug?

[Kai99]

One of the worst things about discovering my asexuality was that my idea of love was so drastically different from vast majority of people. As a romantic,the ideal of sex and love going hand and hand for most people, and how that is natural, really pains me. That isn't the love that I envision. That isn't the love that I want.

But whatever. It is something I've came to accept.

[Geo]

Also, I have a question: if sex really is all of those things, why do prostitutes exist? Surely something so precious to a relationship couldn't simply be bought from a stranger on a street corner.

That's because SOME people don't attach emotional significance to sex or see it as "all of those things." However most sexual people here on AVEN want to be understood that they're not looking for JUST sex, they want a happy and fulfulling relationship, unlike people who buy sex from prostitutes.

Some. A bigger factor is that a lot of people, for one reason or another, are unable to the fulfilling sex they want, or sex at all, and turn to prostitutes as a substitute for what they are not getting.

[UncommonNonsense]

Yeah, Plaid, I feel like you do. I'm a bit on the aro side, but I am still idealistic when it comes to love. That some can consider sex a major factor in a relationship floors me. That some would end a relationship with an otherwise awesome partner over an uneven libido or that partner's disinterest in sex or inability to engage in it dismays me.

This is one reason I've quit dating. I'd only consider it if the person was either also ace or physically unable to engage in sex. The last relationship I attempted to start with someone ended largely because he was very focused on sex and I am quite intensely sex-repulsed. Of course, I also considered his bringing it up constantly (even after being asked to knock it off), starting those comments very early in the dating process, and phrasing those comments in a manner I considered vulgar very crass and rather trashy. So kicking his ass to the curb was a very easy choice.

It's because it makes us feel like complete shit. It destroys our self esteem, gives us horrible symptoms of depression, kills our will to live a bit... it's so ridiculous that just because you guys don't experience that, that you think it's OK to put down the 99% of people who do. So, yes, i will leave an otherwise compatible, awesome person if they have a quality that destroys my ability to live a full, happy, mentally and emotionally joyful life. I understand that most of you on this site would call that "immature" or "selfish", but then it's just as immature or selfish to abstain from sex, even when it causes you distress. Why should I have to live a life of significant distress just to make asexuals feel like I understand "love"?

Exactly where did I put down anyone?

Well, for instance, my partner doesn't do the sex thing and rather than "kick her ass to the curb" or it being an easy decision, I've spent years not having sex, trying to make things work, and genuinely respecting her needs. I would never, never, never consider saying "I should kick her ass to the curb" just because she won't fuck me. I see none of that in the posts that tell asexuals that people who want sex dont' love them, that they should be kicking people's asses to curbs because they *gasp* want to exchange physical expressions of emotion... and I'm sorry, but I wasn't only (or directly) referring to you in this post. It was meant as a more general statement. I'm sorry that wasn't clear.

My choice to rapidly end that relationship wasn't over his sexual interest, extreme though it was. Maybe I wasn't as clear on that as I could have been. My choice to end it was brought about by him being extremely pushy about sex extremely early in the dating process, his ignoring my requests that he stop making graphic and vulgar sexual comments starting on the second time we went out together, his rudeness, and his lack of respect for me. To me, his behaviour was ugly, disrespectful, and it threw up some major red flags. *THAT* is why I kicked his ass to the curb.

[Sockstealingnome]

Yes, most people view sex as being a very important component in a relationship. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT AND ALL OF YOU WHO DISAGREE NEED TO GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSES.

Hey, I never said it was wrong. I am very sex-positive and I would really like to have sex one day, but I don't view it as important in a relationship. It makes me sad because it is very difficult to find someone who agrees with me, therefore it is difficult for me to be in a relationship. It causes me stress, and I think that is perfectly valid.

That opinion didn't really come across in your opening what with you calling the whole thing shallow and people below agreeing. I'm an aro ace and couldn't give less of a shit about romance or sex but even I had to say something.Different strokes for different folks.

[arthurh]

Tbh... this is the main reason I avoid relationships atm. I find it extremely fucked up that it is what most people my age only desire from someone. I wish just for once someone could be into me for reasons other than my stupid baby face it pisses me off. What is wrong with wanting companionship before anything sexual? Sorry short rant done.

[Sally]

It seems kinda silly that sexuals can get depressed from something as tiny as lack of sex in a relationship. Sorry, just being honest.

That's incredibly rude and amazingly self-centered. If I said it's silly that people can get depressed from something as tiny as the wrong pronouns, how'd you feel about that?

Try, just for a second, imagining you're someone other than yourself.

Pronouns are a different issue. Pronouns are connected to how someone identifies, how they feel they are deep inside. To have that not recognised would be horrible. Sex, however, is just an activity. I don't see the comparison.

Sex is an activity that is engaged in by people who feel that it is an expression of how they feel and who they are, and very often entails their relationship with someone they love. If you think that's of lesser importance than what pronoun someone uses to address you with, you've got some growing up to do.

[Philip027]

Yes, most people view sex as being a very important component in a relationship. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT AND ALL OF YOU WHO DISAGREE NEED TO GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSES.

Wow, what a compelling argument you've got there

[El-not-so-ace]

I think that, for romantic aces, it's definitely a comparison with kissing. Technically, kissing is just swapping liquids between two aligned bodies... So imagine your love says that he adores you in every way but never wants to kiss and doesn't even see the big deal with it... :P

Would you feel like something's missing if you'll never in your life kiss this person that you love so much? If this is such an important way of expressing your feelings? Oh and imagine if you used to kiss a lot in the start of the relationship but it stops since your partner doesn't like it and was only doing it because it was assumed in a relationship? Then there might be some questions such as: "Do they not like me as much as before? Is he/she depressed? Did I do something wrong? Are these few extra pounds I've gained the reason why the kissing stopped? He/she doesn't even seem to crave kissing or doesn't reminisce positively about it..."

What's helping me get over my repulsion is just taking a different approach to how I view this topic. Sex is technically just your bottom parts kissing.

It might release a bit more of those bonding hormones though because I don't think kissing boosts cardio levels as high, but anyway. Hope this little bit of input helps. I haven't done either yet, so feel free yo correct me, everyone. xD

[WhenSummersGone]

I have felt rejected by one person when I finally felt sexual desire towards him. I've never felt that before and it does suck. Sex can just be a good way of feeling good with a partner or being close to them. I'm not sure why it doesn't just stop at cuddling but you just feel you want to do more. Casual sex is still a mystery to me but I am Demisexual.

[Ace of Amethysts]

It's kinda depressing that I may never be able to be in a romantic relationship with someone who experiences love the same way I do...

You know what's depressing? That so many asexuals think that relationship needs are the same thing as legitimacy of love.

They aren`t at all, no, but there`s no need to be so damn bitter...

It's kinda depressing that I may never be able to be in a romantic relationship with someone who experiences love the same way I do...

It`s depressing that I may never be in a relationship at all...

[Ace of Amethysts]

Just FYI, I tend to sound more upset than I am. Something about how I type. Also the autism thing. Also I tend to mirror people's attitudes. So yes, I'm sorry if I made you feel bad... was just attempting to demonstrate that what is or isn't important to one person doesn't really hold ground as to what is or isn't important to someone else. I really, legitimately don't care about gender, but I also legitimately hate when people use their subjective feeling that gender doesn't matter to discredit trans folk. I see this sex thing as the same thing. I mean, I find most heterosexual sex to look bizarre and unloving too, but I'm aware that that's just my perception, and I've never thought it was my right to demand straight people explain to me why I'm wrong.

I`m not even lesbian and I don`t understand heterosexual sex either.

[Philip027]

I think that, for romantic aces, it's definitely a comparison with kissing. Technically, kissing is just swapping liquids between two aligned bodies... So imagine your love says that he adores you in every way but never wants to kiss and doesn't even see the big deal with it... :P

Would you feel like something's missing if you'll never in your life kiss this person that you love so much? If this is such an important way of expressing your feelings? Oh and imagine if you used to kiss a lot in the start of the relationship but it stops since your partner doesn't like it and was only doing it because it was assumed in a relationship? Then there might be some questions such as: "Do they not like me as much as before? Is he/she depressed? Did I do something wrong? Are these few extra pounds I've gained the reason why the kissing stopped? He/she doesn't even seem to crave kissing or doesn't reminisce positively about it..."

Personally, nope. It wouldn't matter to me. I've found that I actually enjoy kissing with my current partner, but I've never been into it before, and for me it's not where the draw of the relationship lies at all. If it turned out that my partner didn't enjoy doing it at all for any reason, there'd be absolutely no difference in how I feel about her.

Then again, I'm a weird one -- it's questionable how "romantic" I really am, I've recently found that I have Asperger's and I possibly have some underlying Issues with this sort of thing, and all of my relationships have been LDRs so I've gotten generally used to not being in physical proximity with my partners to begin with.

[Pikachu27]

Tbh... this is the main reason I avoid relationships atm. I find it extremely fucked up that it is what most people my age only desire from someone. I wish just for once someone could be into me for reasons other than my stupid baby face it pisses me off. What is wrong with wanting companionship before anything sexual? Sorry short rant done.

I totally get it. I want a gradual transition from friendship to relationship, coming to be emotionally intimate over time, rather than a huge shift from one to the other. It feels like if that happened, immediately there would be pressures to be doing certain things such as sex. The concept of getting into a relationship, although I desire one, terrifies me, because I'm afraid that he'll be expecting sex far, far sooner than I'm ready (I move slowly, plus I have a personal rule about no sex in high school). Or that he'll want it more often than I like, or simply vanilla vaginal sex isn't going to be enough (the idea of giving oral grosses me out, but I'm finding out that a lot of people expect it as a default). That no one will ever be willing to wait for me to love and trust them, requirements if I'm having sex, and be okay with not doing it very much. I hate knowing that sex is just an almost always present expectation.

[Kai99]

Tbh... this is the main reason I avoid relationships atm. I find it extremely fucked up that it is what most people my age only desire from someone. I wish just for once someone could be into me for reasons other than my stupid baby face it pisses me off. What is wrong with wanting companionship before anything sexual? Sorry short rant done.

I totally get it. I want a gradual transition from friendship to relationship, coming to be emotionally intimate over time, rather than a huge shift from one to the other. It feels like if that happened, immediately there would be pressures to be doing certain things such as sex. The concept of getting into a relationship, although I desire one, terrifies me, because I'm afraid that he'll be expecting sex far, far sooner than I'm ready (I move slowly, plus I have a personal rule about no sex in high school). Or that he'll want it more often than I like, or simply vanilla vaginal sex isn't going to be enough (the idea of giving oral grosses me out, but I'm finding out that a lot of people expect it as a default). That no one will ever be willing to wait for me to love and trust them, requirements if I'm having sex, and be okay with not doing it very much. I hate knowing that sex is just an almost always present expectation.

Wow, did I just write this without realizing it? This is so accurate to my thoughts about it. Sex being an always present expectation is what is keeping me from pursuing relationships as a romantic.

[Skycaptain]

Personally I wish I knew what a relationship was

[Pikachu27]

Tbh... this is the main reason I avoid relationships atm. I find it extremely fucked up that it is what most people my age only desire from someone. I wish just for once someone could be into me for reasons other than my stupid baby face it pisses me off. What is wrong with wanting companionship before anything sexual? Sorry short rant done.

I totally get it. I want a gradual transition from friendship to relationship, coming to be emotionally intimate over time, rather than a huge shift from one to the other. It feels like if that happened, immediately there would be pressures to be doing certain things such as sex. The concept of getting into a relationship, although I desire one, terrifies me, because I'm afraid that he'll be expecting sex far, far sooner than I'm ready (I move slowly, plus I have a personal rule about no sex in high school). Or that he'll want it more often than I like, or simply vanilla vaginal sex isn't going to be enough (the idea of giving oral grosses me out, but I'm finding out that a lot of people expect it as a default). That no one will ever be willing to wait for me to love and trust them, requirements if I'm having sex, and be okay with not doing it very much. I hate knowing that sex is just an almost always present expectation.

Wow, did I just write this without realizing it? This is so accurate to my thoughts about it. Sex being an always present expectation is what is keeping me from pursuing relationships as a romantic.

I just wish that whatever we do together--be it anywhere from holding hands to having sex--was something that just happened naturally when it felt right to us, not because there was an expectation for it, or a feeling that we were supposed to be doing it after x amount of time into the relationship. I don't want to enter a relationship and then, boom, we need to be doing x, y, and z. That just feels wrong. I don't want to feel obligated to rush into things or for either of us to feel like our relationship isn't valid because we aren't doing certain things. I wrote a long post about this sort of thing on another topic awhile back, I think I might leave it here too and see if people relate.

[Pikachu27]

Personally I wish I knew what a relationship was

You can't really define what something is when it's different for different people. For some, it's emotional intimacy and trust (like for me). For some, it's like a best-friendship with sex. That's cool too. For others, the sole difference between a friendship and a relationship is sex. Personally I find that a little disheartening, but whatever floats your boat. People look for different things and their relationships have different dynamics. What a relationship is will always vary from person to person--the key is finding another person who shares your view of what one is. I see you're aromantic, so I suppose you were musing about what is this mystical relationship that most people are after, the same way many asexuals muse about what the heck sexual attraction feels like. That doesn't change the answer, though; it still stands that different people are after different things, and I can't explain much better than that.

[Skycaptain]

Pikachu27 sorry I was being self-deprecating because I have never been in a relationship, and I wouldn't know either how to start one, or if I want one

[Autumn Season]

So imagine your love says that he adores you in every way but never wants to kiss and doesn't even see the big deal with it... :P

*sigh* Want!

[levelskid]

Everyone's view on sex is different. Some view it as important, some don't. Some need it in a relationship, some don't. If lack of sex is causing someone distress, then it is darn well important, even to me because they feel that. There's no minimizing its importance. When one partner craves more physical affection than the other in a relationship, can we rightfully fault them for that want? No. It's how they feel. And it should be respected.

[Pikachu27]

Pikachu27 sorry I was being self-deprecating because I have never been in a relationship, and I wouldn't know either how to start one, or if I want one

Why are you apologizing? You didn't do anything.

[Sockstealingnome]

Yes, most people view sex as being a very important component in a relationship. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT AND ALL OF YOU WHO DISAGREE NEED TO GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSES.

Wow, what a compelling argument you've got there

I wasn't trying to argue because it was something I didn't see the point in arguing. People value different things in relationships and appoint importance to it accordingly and that's fine. I shouldn't have to defend people wanting sex from those who cry and whine about how it's so shallow compared to the pure, ideal love they possess. This is an accumulation of the growing annoyance I've had with many AVENites who are astoundingly immature.

[Philip027]

I wasn't trying to argue

Funny... that's what the whole "anyone who disagrees with me is wrong/full of themselves/a Big Stupid Doodoo Head" thing sure tries to come across as

If you weren't trying to present an argument, you wouldn't have to qualify it with a statement that we may or may not disagree with it

[Guest]

Pikachu27 sorry I was being self-deprecating because I have never been in a relationship, and I wouldn't know either how to start one, or if I want one

Why are you apologizing? You didn't do anything.

Captain's not apologizing, I don't think, but rather the sorry was a polite placeholder in an attempt to say that you misunderstood their first post... Captain wasn't looking for a definition of relationships, but rather making a statement about their own life.

Brits and their politeness, I tell ya! :)

[Sally]

Brits and their politeness, I tell ya! :)

Maybe that's why we broke away from England -- we needed the freedom to be crass. They're probably glad we're gone.

[Guest]

idk tbh

[plaidclash]

One of the worst things about discovering my asexuality was that my idea of love was so drastically different from vast majority of people. As a romantic,the ideal of sex and love going hand and hand for most people, and how that is natural, really pains me. That isn't the love that I envision. That isn't the love that I want.

But whatever. It is something I've came to accept.

This is exactly what I meant by this post, you really put it into (good) words!