For sexuals: Why is sex so important to you?

[Guest]

Holy shit, Geo's back.

[Geo]

Holy shit, Geo's back.

Didn't really leave, just haven't seen anything interesting to respond to in a while.

[Guest]

Holy shit, Geo's back.

Didn't really leave, just haven't seen anything interesting to respond to in a while.

Geo! You are often mentioned in threads where someone is attempting to describe sexuality to someone else who insists that all sexual people look at people they find attractive and want to have sex with them and that's the one defining factor that makes all sexual people ''sexual'' .. Like.. ''why isn't Geo here now? T_T'' haha.

[Guest]

Indeed! Good to see you back, Geo.

As Ficto said, I, specifically, quoted/paraphrased things you've said quite a bit recently.

[Avistew]

I mea here is a question for Polys. If one person moves, will you move with them?

We'd discuss it all together, and figure out what would work for everyone. It would depend on the reason for moving and on other practical issues. For instance, if one partner moves for work but another partner's work means they can't move, then we can't all follow the partner who is moving.

Right now I work from home, which means I can follow a partner easily. The question would be along the line of which partner(s) it would make more sense to live close to/with and which partner(s) it would make more sense to have a long-distance relationships with. I would also want to know that the "long-distance" part is temporary - either the partner who moved away will move back at some point (within a couple of years, hopefully, I think more than that could become pretty draining on a relationship) or the rest of the group will move to join them once they get all of their stuff in order.

If the move is permanent and it doesn't make sense to follow that partner, it may lead to a breakup, although I would try the long-distance option first.

Right now, I live with one of my partners, while my other two partners live together. Logistically, it would make sense for me to follow the partner I live with, and for my other two partners to follow each other. If we end up all moving together, we'd probably discuss such opportunities as a group, trying to move everyone at once or not at all, or figure out a strategy if not everyone can move.

This isn't so different from the monogamous equivalent. If your partner moves and you have other obligations (school, family, work) you may delay following them, or they may pass on the opportunity to move (if that's something they can do) in order to stay with you, or you'll figure out how to cope together. Same principle, just more gears involved, which can complicate things but can also help (more different points of view, more suggestions and ideas, more different approaches to deal with problems).

[Guest]

I'm single and have never been with anyone, so my perspective may be different than it might be otherwise.

For me it's something I want to experience with someone one day. I don't think I'd want to be in a relationship without it being an aspect of it. It's well....yeah, not really about the physical pleasure. (Actually because of female anatomy penetration isn't all that likely to bring about orgasm on it's own. Though, penetration isn't the only thing you can do, obs.) It's about being vulnerable with someone you can trust I guess. At least that's how I see it. Wouldn't be in that situation with most people. Also it requires you to learn together, the things you both like and what is (and is not) pleasurable for the other. Plus on the scientific/biology end, it does release endorphins and chemicals that make it feel like you've bonded.

[Emery.]

Because it expresses closeness and love?

Neurochemistry?

And why is sugar so important?

For me, the question is a bit nonsense. I guess it depends on the wiring, decoder chips and voltage applied in the brain. What we see as important depends on how we perceive. We see music as important only because we can hear and have a striving for beauty.

Why does texting / chatting in the evening make people think their partner is cheating?

If you think about someone just before going to sleep, you must feel strongly about them or they must be important to you. In the evening many people calm down, are tired, and thinking slows down, as opposed to feeling. That's why parties are in the evening and night, you don't think too much , you don't need or want to, you just have fun. You're more chilled out, more easy.

[Aching]

This article from Psychology Today sums much of it up pretty well. I will say that PT authors tend not to acknowledge asexuality. I certainly think they could have gone with something better than "sex makes you whole." Sorry about that one. Though it does cover the harm that us sexuals can suffer as a result of not having our psychological needs met, and I do appreciate that. The three biggest ones for me are intimacy, stress relief, and yeah, self-esteem, not having sex to build self-esteem, but rather the corellation of the lack of it and lower self-esteem. I don't agree with all of the author's pithy observations, but the basic bones of the list are worth checking out. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-mating-game/201602/7-reasons-you-should-have-more-sex

[Star Inkbright]

I can't see how a relationship with someone else that doesn't involve anything commonly called romantic, or sex, or commitment to them is anything other than a friendship, and pretty transient one at that.

It is possible to be committed to a relationship and to value it highly without following that person if they move away.

[Telecaster68]

I can't see how a relationship with someone else that doesn't involve anything commonly called romantic, or sex, or commitment to them is anything other than a friendship, and pretty transient one at that.

It is possible to be committed to a relationship and to value it highly without following that person if they move away.

Well that's that sorted out then.

Would you have any kind of argument to back up your assertion?

[Tarfeather]

Talked about my partner's asexuality today with someone who's starting to become a friend. He had a really nice take on it.

"I don't find sex to be that all-important. It's more like the dot on the i. If it's not there, it's just not the same."

"dot on the i" is a German idiom by the way, that doesn't translate well to English. Dictionary suggests "icing on the cake", but I don't think that's nearly as beautiful of an analogy.

[MrDane]

There's also that without sex, one if the richest, most intense, most pleasurable channels of communication in a relationship is removed, and that impoverishes the whole relationship. Imagine if your partner announced they didn't want to talk, and wouldn't tolerate you talking to anyone else either for as long as you were together. So that's conversation for you, for the rest of your life. It's that important.

I really get the comparison with talking by Telecaster! ...and I generally agree! As a sexual, who likes sex and hugs and kisses and cuddling and touching and talking...

...but when I want to have sex! Sometimes it is like just 'to tell her shortly about a small thing from work today. I want her, to some degree, to listen to me, and maybe respond, ask me to elaborate, give her own view or at least listen if this is something, because it could be important to me, because I am important to her!

I don't like the idea about a compromise where she says "could you hold that story, and tell next week, since im just not that much into the talky-talky thing rigth now, and it doesnt mean that much to me, what you say, generally. I dont really need to talk with you. It is ok, but not to much and not for to long. Let us make an appointmebt for talking once every fourteen days, since i love you and you need to talk. Usually the talk is very nice for both of us, sometimes i will engage in it/do it, because i love you and you have something you need to get off your chest, and sometimes the talk will be intense and wonderful for the both of us!

Riiiing ring

-hello, this is your wife speaking ...let me just put you on hold, and make you listen to the nice relationship-music, while you wait!

-oh, ok! I just wanted to...

(Life goes on, should I call again? Is it a bad time? Am I being unfair? Well, i think i will just kiss her and tell her, that I love her! She seems ok with the fourteen days schedule! I can wait more, because i love her and we are really a good match! Oh, i could just mowe the lawn, as i wait! ...is it to much to ask or is she ok with it! ...the last three times i kissed her, she just gave me the cheek and not her lips!?!? At least she could return my kiss with a kiss, dammit!!! ...well, i have to remember that she loves me, and we never fight and we agree on how to bring up the kids, and she is not that into bodily contact as me! )

-hello, this your wife speaking! How may I help you?

-well, i really need coffee and i can make coffee on my own, but your are the only one i want to handle the espresso-machine and you could get a cup for yourself as you kind of like it, once you get over the first part, rigth? I have this headache and my whole body cannt shake it off, unless i get coffee! I love your coffee! You are my baresso! Do you want coffee ( dammit, she never WANTS coffee, but she is ok with coffee!) ...i mean, how about? Wanna grab a cup? Maybe just a quick cup?

-unfortunately, your message was not able to be understood. Feel free to call again. And if it about a coffee arrangement, then please accept some delay on the line! You have a scheduled appointment for next thursday!

[Nigellaseed]

In relationships we often talk about the foundation, commitment, loyalty, chemistry etc but sex is the 'glue' that cements everything and also it is pretty darn good!!

[InOuterSpace]

@Antiopa: I think this is an excellent and important question, a question that some sexuals might take for granted: after all, society doesn't ask us to question why we (should) want sex, we're just supposed to "want it."

I'll explore this question from my personal perspective as a sexual below.

To start, lately I've been back to questioning my own sexual identity. Sex is a part of that identity and I know I desire and want sex (of some kind). It’s been an intense exploration for me, mentally, but I’ve also come to realize that maybe my partner has different views of sex (hence, why I’m exploring asexuality).

So why do I want sex?

I think back to the moment I first asked my current long-term partner if he'd like to date: in the back of my mind, unspoken, I kept thinking, am I just asking him this because all I really want is a "free meal ticket" (to have sex)? Why don’t I ask him, instead, “want to just have sex?” Or do I want to love him? Or both? In other words, I couldn't articulate what I wanted, only that I was attracted to him (I was attracted to his demeanour, his values, and his intelligence foremost)—but I also realized that sex was absolutely involved with that desire. Love, too.

My sexual identity is a bit complicated: I identify as a submissive masochist in the world of SM. Sometimes sex is involved, sometimes not. For example, I've experienced how a spanking can lead to feelings of extreme connection with my partner, more so than any other sexual act. Again, this is my personal experience. Why would a spanking make me feel an intense connection? Because, for example, it validates the trust I feel for my partner (I'm literally handing him physical power over my body and trusting that he won't intentionally harm me beyond my capacity). I also just like feeling submissive. I don't have the words to fully explain it. This is just who I am.

So I've sort of come to acknowledge that sex is a part of my identity--not because society tells me it's required, but because I just like it. Moreover, it involves more than orgasms for me (which kind of goes against "typical" social prescriptions of sex). Orgasms are great, sure, but if orgasms are the "end game" of sex, then I tend to “tune out.” I want intense sensation and I want connection. I want to feel submissive and I want to fulfill my partner's desires. I want him to be pleased with me. Heck, praise itself is a huge sexual turn-on for me.

Again, that's not because society tells me that's how sex has to be, that's simply who I am, just as my partner may be asexual and identify with having no interest in sex (note: I haven't had a discussion about asexuality with my partner yet, but I want to because I think he could identify as such based on my observations and I feel responsible for bringing it up with him).

So what I mean is, wanting sex (for me), is along the lines of what @ChillaKilla stated: it's "innate" (but I don’t mean this in a biological sense, I mean it in a self-identity sense). It's a part of my self-identity and relationship identity; also, I would hesitate to reduce sex or sexual desire to physiological responses (in the brain) only. Not having sex is like something fundamental is missing from who I am, my self-identity, and therefore the completeness of my relationship, just like an asexual person might feel disconnected from his/her/their own identity if sex is somehow viewed as required. I think both desires (wanting or not wanting sex) are of the same origin (identity), but are different expressions of sexual identity: for some, sex is just a part of who they are and what they want; for some, sex is not at all important and not a part of who they are. And surely there’s a range between both of these. Then, all the rest flows out of that, the feelings of completeness, or acceptance, or gratification, or connection, regardless of where you fit on the spectrum: my own sense of completeness (feeling complete and happy with life) relates to whether or not my identity is accepted. If it feels like my identity (of which sex is involved) is not accepted, then I feel incomplete, as does the relationship.

[Edit: apologies, I used some poor wording here re. "acceptance." I think I was trying to capture a "feeling:" e.g. the feeling of being accepted. Of course, if my partner is asexual, then he could absolutely accept my identity, but he may not want to fulfill certain aspects of my identity; or if my partner does not fully realize his asexuality, that doesn't mean he's deliberately not accepting my identity, it might just "feel" that way to me if I'm not aware of his asexuality likewise. So, to reiterate, someone can accept you for who you are, but not want to engage with certain aspects of your identity, which is absolutely fine.]

How does a sexual and asexual work through this indeed?

To be honest, I think it's the sexual's responsibility to compromise, because sex itself can be an intrusive act. However, I think both the sexual and asexual are responsible for finding a way to demonstrate love and respect in a communicative, agreed-upon way that works for both of them if they choose to remain in a relationship: this doesn’t have to involve sex, of course (nor should it).

Example strategies: (1) Maybe the sexual can have a "play partner" and maybe that "play partner" and the asexual have to be on friendly terms (I don't advocate cheating; I advocate for informed and consenting polyamory if its desirable/acceptable to all participants and if all participants are communicative and respectful of one another. I think it can work, but I think it can also be misused; I think it's excellent that this perspective has been included in this discussion); (2) Maybe the sexual and asexual prefer monogamy, but the sexual is fine with fulfilling his/her/their own sexual desires through masturbation; (3) Maybe there are other kinds of compromises I haven’t thought of; (4) Maybe the sexual can live without sex (but the sexual needs to be self-aware enough to not let this fester into some kind of feeling of resentment/blame).

If the relationship feels like it's not working and someone is suffering, then I think the best decision is to end the relationship: maybe friendship can still be involved, maybe love, but maybe the participants have to acknowledge that "going separate ways" is the healthier choice. However, if you’re in a long-term relationship and it is one built on respect and love, this can be an intense and difficult decision to make, I think. When is “no sex” a “deal-breaker” for a sexual? That will have to be answered by each individual.

[SirEl]

I heard someone say that without sex, then the relationship is just a friendship with maybe more hugs and cuddling. Is that in anyway true?

But then what's "friends with benefits"?

[brsajo]

As a christian, sex holds a lot of spiritual significance to me. It symbolises your soul being so intimately close to another person's soul that a part of it is given to the other soul, and you get a part of their soul. It sort of locks in the commitment of a relationship, because if you had sex with whoever, whenever, you'd be leaving pieces of your soul everywhere and that is not exactly something you'd want to do.

[levelskid]

I heard someone say that without sex, then the relationship is just a friendship with maybe more hugs and cuddling. Is that in anyway true?

But then what's "friends with benefits"?

Friend in which sex is involved. But the question doesn't reflect my view.

[SirEl]

I heard someone say that without sex, then the relationship is just a friendship with maybe more hugs and cuddling. Is that in anyway true?

But then what's "friends with benefits"?

Friend in which sex is involved. But the question doesn't reflect my view.

I know. Sorry, that was meant to be rhetorical. ^_^

[Guest]

But then what's "friends with benefits"?

Awesome, that's what. ;)

[Sally]

, because if you had sex with whoever, whenever, you'd be leaving pieces of your soul everywhere and that is not exactly something you'd want to do.

Why not? Do you eventually run out of soul?

[SirEl]

, because if you had sex with whoever, whenever, you'd be leaving pieces of your soul everywhere and that is not exactly something you'd want to do.

Why not? Do you eventually run out of soul?

Because Horcruxes

[LilacLover]

Sex is raw, vulnerable, primal. You can hug a child, snuggle with a friend...but sex is one of the distinctions that tends to make a romantic relationship romantic. It is a way to want/desire/long for someone...even their most private parts...literal and figurative...to accept all of them, on a biologic-sometimes wet/messy-level. There's something about sexual passion on an energetic level, the exchange of fluids, penetration & receptivity, connecting in a way that builds and releases intensity. There's a chemical component...a cascade/cocktail of pleasure/bonding/contentment chemicals, too. And I agree with those who have said that it is seen by many as a barometer of relationship health. If sex was there at one time, and it becomes withheld...it may leave the sexual partner feeling (consciously or unconsciously) that something is wrong, something is missing...ie, What did I do? Why don't they want me? Do I physically turn them off/repulse them? I agree with those who have said there's an energetic/electric current to it...connection...oneness...like puzzle pieces fitting together.

I would never want someone to have sex with me if it upset them in some way...and I wouldn't want someone to fake it or go to a place of "endurance".

LL

[getlamp]

I've tried without much success to describe to my asexual wife why sex is so important to me, but this quote from the Crunk Feminist Collective summed it up best for me. And it seemed to resonate with her the most.

"Great sex makes me feel fully alive, allows me to tap in to my joys, my pleasures, my desires, in a deeply embodied way. Asexual people know the world in a different way, and I want to acknowledge that."

Having an active sex life makes me feel strong and confident and happy in a way that other things, however great they might be, don't. I hold my head higher, and feel better about the world and the people in it. I walk with a spring in my step, and am more optimistic. I feel nourished, energetic, and better able to take on whatever life has in store.

Without it, I feel starved, shrunken, and sad.

[Peebles]

Its not.

Its kinda like mozzarella sticks. I really like mozzarella sticks, a good mozzarella stick can really just take me away, I want them, like, all the time. But if I don't get them, its not the end of the world. I could live my whole life without mozzarella sticks, but its not preferable.

[HighDrive]

I think I have a good way to explain it. I will speak in first person as I have a high drive and we know not all sexuals are the same:

It is a primal need for me, like breathing or eating or drinking water.

If I feel hungry I want to eat. My stomach growls. If I feel horny, my groin, my stomach, my whole body "growls"

Why aren't other kinds of physical contact the same:

If you feel hungry and someone gives you food to smell, It wouldn't be enough, you want to eat and just smelling it will make you hungrier.

This is, it is not something rational, it is not that I think "I want sex" it is that I feel it, it takes over my brain. It really takes an effort to control it.

Even more than that, it also validates me. Not necessarily at a rational level, but makes me feel wanted, "useful", Important, unique.

The question is interesting because on opposite sides of the spectrum I accept the asexuality of my partner, even if I don't understand it. Sher accepts my sexuality, even if she does not understand it.

That acceptance has only improved our relationship.

[Fire & Rain]

I don't hug and cuddle friends so that part isn't true for me. I read on here how some couples don't even touch each other because the asexual partner doesn't like being touched. To me thats just a friendship not a relationship.

I love and want sex, but doing sensual things get the job done for me.

You sound like my partner ;)

[DarkShadow005]

There's also that without sex, one if the richest, most intense, most pleasurable channels of communication in a relationship is removed, and that impoverishes the whole relationship. Imagine if your partner announced they didn't want to talk, and wouldn't tolerate you talking to anyone else either for as long as you were together. So that's conversation for you, for the rest of your life. It's that important.

Sex is optional. If that happened to me, I can go find someone else. Because (s)he is not the only person of that gender in this planet. I don't want to have sex because I love being asexual because you get to see life from a normal perspective if you have no other perspectives while being an asexual. I can emotionally be a mature person.

The definition of mature:

having or showing the qualities of an adult person.

© Merriam Webster.

(I prefer Dictionary instead of Merriam Webster. But I used a Merriam Webster dictionary only for a simple definition of the word mature.)

[OutsideObserver]

Sex is optional. If that happened to me, I can go find someone else. Because (s)he is not the only person of that gender in this planet. I don't want to have sex because I love being asexual because you get to see life from a normal perspective if you have no other perspectives while being an asexual. I can emotionally be a mature person.

The definition of mature:

having or showing the qualities of an adult person.

© Merriam Webster.

(I prefer Dictionary instead of Merriam Webster. But I used a Merriam Webster dictionary only for a simple definition of the word mature.)

Being in a relationship is optional. So is choosing to stay in a relationship that does not meet your wants and needs. A sexual who decides that toughing out a sexless relationship that brings them unhappiness is not worth and leaves is, in fact, being mature and making a mature decision.

[InariYana]

Sex is raw, vulnerable, primal. You can hug a child, snuggle with a friend...but sex is one of the distinctions that tends to make a romantic relationship romantic. It is a way to want/desire/long for someone...even their most private parts...literal and figurative...to accept all of them, on a biologic-sometimes wet/messy-level. There's something about sexual passion on an energetic level, the exchange of fluids, penetration & receptivity, connecting in a way that builds and releases intensity. There's a chemical component...a cascade/cocktail of pleasure/bonding/contentment chemicals, too. And I agree with those who have said that it is seen by many as a barometer of relationship health. If sex was there at one time, and it becomes withheld...it may leave the sexual partner feeling (consciously or unconsciously) that something is wrong, something is missing...ie, What did I do? Why don't they want me? Do I physically turn them off/repulse them? I agree with those who have said there's an energetic/electric current to it...connection...oneness...like puzzle pieces fitting together.

I would never want someone to have sex with me if it upset them in some way...and I wouldn't want someone to fake it or go to a place of "endurance".

LL

It all seems so alien to me - I just don't get it at all, the importance of sex to sexual people. When I read your words I don't feel like I want/would like to do it as all this means nothing to me. I'd rather not do it, but I bet that at least most sexual people, after reading your words would think "hell, yes, that's it, that's why I want sex so bad". How am I getting closer to another person by being in this hot & messy & wet state, getting penetrated or doing some oral? Nooooooo, haha :) I'm not repulsed, I don't think sex is dirty - just not my cup of tea.

I don't think a relationship between me and a sexual person would ever work well, as in my head I'm way away from the act mentally, "not feeling it" apart from the level of the body. If I try to be more "in", it all starts looking kinda funny and pointless, "why am I even doing that?" :D It's even worse when they want to tie me up or try some other sexy tricks - I just won't do it, I don't even want to fake it.

Sex in a way drives me away from closeness, is a dis-connecting factor, I don't really want to do it, "but yeah OK, I'll do it if you want it". That can't feel right from the other side. Relationships like that don't feel good to me either. I like physical closeness, cuddling especially, it's all soft, serene, happy - not in this strange, slightly ewww, feverish way haha ;) so I think I'll just stick with friendships after years of thinking "maybe this time it will be different" and seeing my relationships failing one after another. I'm not too romantic either, only a little, so maybe I'll feel happier this way and I won't waste sexual people's time either ;)

[El-not-so-ace]

As someone who just crossed over tge ace-to-sexual barrier relatively recently and still a virgin, I can say that it's some kind of second level after cuddling close. Almost like that's not enough and I need to somehow get even closer. Since I know that's what my boyfriend wants to, energies kind of bounce off each other and the want gets a bit stronger. xD Anyway, it's weird but somehow pleasant even for me who used to be pretty repulsed about it. I still am for seeing it on tv or something though.