How do I approach my boyfriend about what I think is his asexuality?

[catlady6484]

I'm 31, he's 30, we live together and have been together almost two years and had 'regular' sex the first few months until it decreased in frequency to once every two or so months (sometimes more, sometimes less). We've talked about our different sex drives (which is what we've called it thus far) and read a few online articles together to give us different approach ideas for sex itself, but nothing in the bedroom has changed and the idea of asexuality is new to me.

I found this site through a Jezebel article in my facebook feed, and my eyes have welled up with tears after reading some of the FAQ and other threads on here. The feelings of being rejected, unloved, undesirable, unattractive, and most hurtfully, unwanted, have been eating me inside for so long, I've been suffering through this internal battle of whether or not it's "worth it" to stay with him. I truly love him, feel that he loves me, believe he's the best man that walks the earth, and feel that 95% of our relationship is the best thing in the world. It's just that the other 5% sometimes carries so much more weight than a traditional scale. I've been going through these horrible rejection, sadness, anger, guilt, shut-down, start-over phases for so long, I need some outside help.

For the past six or so months, I've had the idea in the back of my mind for us to go to couples or sexual therapy, but never brought it up until last weekend when he kissed another girl in a drunken stupor. He told me about it right away, and through our talk about that incident and my being deeply hurt by his action (how can you never want to kiss me or have sex with me, but you get hammered one night and have no apparent problem making out with so and so!?), I brought up therapy "to help us get through this situation together." He was on board immediately, and even said that therapy might help us with our differences in sex drive, which in turn allowed me to tell him it was actually something I'd been thinking about for a while.

We have our first session next week, and I don't even know what we'll discuss in the first one, but I'm nervous to bring up the possibility of his being asexual for several reasons:

• I don't want to be accusatory or put him in a category he may or may not feel he belongs
• I don't want my thought/question of this potential to be a big surprise to him during our first session with a therapist (we're usually very good communicators and I don't want to blindside him)
• I want him to still feel loved and that my searching for a 'label' for whatever is going on is about me trying to understand our differences, not about me trying to change him (though I will selfishly admit that, yes, I want sex more often)

Thank you in advance for any help/advice/suggestions you have.

[Mike_Rophone]

As a couple, you should both feel free to discuss about anything with one another. Communication is important. I suggest you both have a talk, and you just ask him in an opening way. You need to be able to communicate to one another. Let him now that you'll love him regardless.

This is only my opinion, and I hope it helps.

[butterscotchwm]

You can just casually ask him one day if he's ever heard of asexuality. And if he hasn't, you can explain it to him, show him the sites you discovered, and say that this could be another topic of discussion. People's sex drives exist on a spectrum, yes, but people's sexualities exist on a spectrum, too. Some people are more asexual than others, and some people experience sexual attraction to people more often than others. Think of it as like another kinsey scale, except 1 being exclusively asexual and 6 being very "allosexual," or someone who experiences sexual attraction often.

If you bring it up as like another thing to look into, then it would just look like you're broadening your research, and it would ultimately be completely up to him if he thinks he's asexual or not.

Good luck! And if he needs someone to talk to, then I know a few male asexuals around his age-range who are very active in the community, and he could easily find someone on these forums, too. Heck you could even send him to me if it's ok. I'm willing to help with information!

[timewarp]

Well, it could also be what you called it all the time: a lower sex drive. Or he could be grey-A. There are many possibilities, and only he can know.

Why not invite him to join this forum, or look through some of the topics on here together? A good reason for it - independent of being asexual or not- is that your kind of problem as a couple is very common in mixed asexual-sexual relationships, so there are also a lot of threads discussing these things.