Low libido VS Ace

[Taiji]

Hi all,

Recently it's been suggested to me that I could be a low libido heterosexual rather than an ace, so I was wondering if any low libido sexual people and/or aces can chip in and talk about how they distinguish the difference between the two.

I know both sexuals and asexuals can have any kind of libido and that asexuality is not the same as having low libido.

Still, it's confusing when I can relate to a lot of ace posts but I might not be ace?

So how would you distinguish the difference?

Personally I always thought sexuals know when they experience sexual attraction/know when they desire sex, whereas asexuals don't experience sexual attraction, don't desire sex, etc. Low libido didn't really occur to me as much, so I'm not sure what's considered typical for a low libido sexual as I'm used to knowing what regular/high-libido sexuals experience.

(Also sorry if this is the wrong topic. It seemed like it was appropriate to ask in the Gray Area.)

[nanogretchen4]

In my opinion it's easiest to tell whether someone is asexual if they have a high libido. If someone masturbates frequently but has absolutely no interest in partnered sex, that's a really easy call.

I think low libido is more physical than mental. I'm demisexual but once in a relationship I think very much like other sexuals. But then when sexuals start describing how they experience sex, they describe a physical need component or sense of urgency that seems to be very low in my case. Yet I think I have the same mental desire and emotional need for sex in a romantic relationship as other sexuals. The physical need component also seems to be low when I masturbate. It also has nothing to do with attraction. Once my demi switched is flipped on I'm extremely attracted to that person, very consistently over a long period of time.

[Lord Jade Cross]

I would say that the difference could be that a low libido would want sex on a minute level, say once every 6 months? and an ace would never want it.

[nanogretchen4]

I think you're describing a low sex drive. Some people on the gray spectrum want sex very rarely but want to masturbate much more frequently. Low libido is more like you want to have sex but your body is not totally with the program.

[Lord Jade Cross]

But isnt libido supposed to be the driving force behimd wanting sex/masturbating?

[Lady Norgard]

As someone who is ace and has no libido at all, I don't know if my input will help, but I feel like I should try seeing the lack of posts.

When I look at people I'll think they look cool or cute or something like that, and may want to talk to them. For instance, I saw a guy at uni with long hair, a trench coat and rose tinted glasses, and I knew that I had to go and make friends with him. But that's it really 'you look cool! Let's be friends!' is about as much 'attraction' that I can feel. I'm aromantic too, so keep that in mind.

As far as I know, libido is the desire or need for physical stimulation to gain satisfaction and comfort. Which is why some asexuals masturbate, because it's not really mental, but physical? Even though I have no libido I know that my mind and body aren't connected for a fact. While kissing my now-ex I would get very bored, but also (TMI) get wet. My brain didn't care at all, or even know that that was happening.

Also, I believe that when a sexual has low libido it tends to cause them stress and upset them, so they look for ways to sort it, while asexuals don't really care because it usually isn't a problem for us.

[m4rble]

As someone who is ace and has no libido at all, I don't know if my input will help, but I feel like I should try seeing the lack of posts.

When I look at people I'll think they look cool or cute or something like that, and may want to talk to them. For instance, I saw a guy at uni with long hair, a trench coat and rose tinted glasses, and I knew that I had to go and make friends with him. But that's it really 'you look cool! Let's be friends!' is about as much 'attraction' that I can feel. I'm aromantic too, so keep that in mind.

As far as I know, libido is the desire or need for physical stimulation to gain satisfaction and comfort. Which is why some asexuals masturbate, because it's not really mental, but physical? Even though I have no libido I know that my mind and body aren't connected for a fact. While kissing my now-ex I would get very bored, but also (TMI) get wet. My brain didn't care at all, or even know that that was happening.

Also, I believe that when a sexual has low libido it tends to cause them stress and upset them, so they look for ways to sort it, while asexuals don't really care because it usually isn't a problem for us.

Yeah, but some sexuals don't mind a low libido. I guess someone who wouldn't mind it would have a low libido and a low sex drive. Asexuals have no sex drive.

[Lady Norgard]

As someone who is ace and has no libido at all, I don't know if my input will help, but I feel like I should try seeing the lack of posts.

When I look at people I'll think they look cool or cute or something like that, and may want to talk to them. For instance, I saw a guy at uni with long hair, a trench coat and rose tinted glasses, and I knew that I had to go and make friends with him. But that's it really 'you look cool! Let's be friends!' is about as much 'attraction' that I can feel. I'm aromantic too, so keep that in mind.

As far as I know, libido is the desire or need for physical stimulation to gain satisfaction and comfort. Which is why some asexuals masturbate, because it's not really mental, but physical? Even though I have no libido I know that my mind and body aren't connected for a fact. While kissing my now-ex I would get very bored, but also (TMI) get wet. My brain didn't care at all, or even know that that was happening.

Also, I believe that when a sexual has low libido it tends to cause them stress and upset them, so they look for ways to sort it, while asexuals don't really care because it usually isn't a problem for us.

Yeah, but some sexuals don't mind a low libido. I guess someone who wouldn't mind it would have a low libido and a low sex drive. Asexuals have no sex drive.

This is all so hard to differentiate! Darn feelings are all so complicated.

[Taiji]

Wait, so just to clarify terms, is it generally accepted that:

Libido = desire to feel physical stimulation (ie. masturbation, intercourse, etc.)

Sex drive = mental desire to have sex?

[Telecaster68]

This is all so hard to differentiate!

It's hard to differentiate a very low libido'd sexual from a non-repulsed asexual because their feelings and actions would be identical. They'd both feel no real need to have sex, and both be okay to have sex with their partners because it's doing something nice for them. I don't think even the person themselves could necessarily tell.

Libido = desire to feel physical stimulation (ie. masturbation, intercourse, etc.)

Sex drive = mental desire to have sex?

Same thing, for most sexuals. How can you have a mental desire to have sex without it involving a desire for physical stimulation?

[Taiji]

This is all so hard to differentiate!

It's hard to differentiate a very low libido'd sexual from a non-repulsed asexual because their feelings and actions would be identical. They'd both feel no real need to have sex, and both be okay to have sex with their partners because it's doing something nice for them. I don't think even the person themselves could necessarily tell.

Welp.

I guess if I really tried to analyze how often I feel sexual attraction/sexual desire, then maybe it'd lean me towards one label more than the other.

But yeah... I feel like I'd either be a very low libido sexual or a sex-indifferent/non-repulsed asexual.

[m4rble]

Wait, so just to clarify terms, is it generally accepted that:

Libido = desire to feel physical stimulation (ie. masturbation, intercourse, etc.)

Sex drive = mental desire to have sex?

I was using Libido to mean the physical aspect of sex and sex drive to mean the mental desire for partnered sex. Some people only desire sex after they are aroused. This is a type of allosexuality. though. Do you actually desire sex when you are aroused or are you indifferent?

[Telecaster68]

I was using Libido to mean the physical aspect of sex

Libido happens in your mind. Freud came up with it.

[scarletlatitude]

For me, libido is kind of like something that just happens... like when your foot falls asleep, or when you get hiccups. You have this thing, you do something to get rid of it, life goes on. I never have the desire to make sexual acts happen on their own.

[Evren]

I'm odd, I masturbate because it's fun but I never really feel led to. If I don't masturbate frequently then I end up wanting to about once a week or never, if I am busy. So I have never been entirely sure if I have a libido or not. I think the difference is whether or not you desire partnered sex or if you feel sexual attraction, even sexual people with low libidos want to have sex every once and a while.

I wouldn't mind having sex, out of curiosity or if my partner wanted it, but I never feel any desire to have it.

If that makes sense.

[nanogretchen4]

AVEN is using a different definition of libido than Freud. If we aren't allowed to use the AVEN definition we have to come up with a new term so I can describe subjective experiences that I actually have. It is absolutely possible to have an active mental and emotional desire for sex, not just a passive willingness to accommodate my partner, while having little interest in being the recipient of physical stimulation.

[Telecaster68]

AVEN is using a different definition of libido than Freud.

AVEN takes a word with both a common definition and a tight, clinical meaning and decides it knows better, invents a new meaning that's entirely subjective and for which there are several other words, and in the process confuses the hell out of people who are already anxious about their sexuality.

Another triumph.

It is absolutely possible to have an active mental and emotional desire for sex, not just a passive willingness to accommodate my partner, while having little interest in being the recipient of physical stimulation.

Absolutely. But that's not remotely what the world outside AVEN understands by the word libido.

[Lord Jade Cross]

This is confusing. Ive never felt any urge to masturbate so for me it couldnt be libido.

[SireninSpace]

I understand the technical difference:

Libido is just something that makes you want to have sex in general, whereas sexuality is if/whom you feel like having sex with in particular.... Right? ... okay maybe I don't know.

Either way, I find it impossible to distinguish these two in myself. Too complicated. I just want a black ring and some cake, man.

[Evren]

This is confusing. Ive never felt any urge to masturbate so for me it couldnt be libido.

Well like I said, I only masturbate for fun, is it because I have a libido or because it feels good. Is there a difference, no idea.

[nanogretchen4]

Fine, but I think the OP is trying to figure out if they are a low libido sexual or an asexual by the AVEN definition. I'm making a good faith effort to answer the question in a possibly useful way. I think there is absolutely a difference, which will continue to exist but be very hard to explain if each individual word spawns a 50 page thread.

[Telecaster68]

I think the OP is trying to figure out if they are a low libido sexual or an asexual by the AVEN definition.

This is what they said:

So how would you distinguish the difference?

I agree that arguing over definitions isn't really helpful - which is why coming up with your own new one for 'libido' isn't really helpful.

Actually describing what you mean would work.

My take is that there isn't any difference, for all practical purposes.

[Guest]

Low libido'd sexuals are, I think, usually fine with their low libido... it's only people who had a high sex drive and then lost it who usually take issue with it. I honestly have no idea how you guys differentiate between low libido and asexual... particularly when you factor in that so many asexuals enjoy sex and/or occasionally want to have it to please a partner... I honestly see no difference between the two in those scenarios. Of course, I'm neither asexual nor libido-challenged, so I've no idea.

[Sally]

Low libido'd sexuals are, I think, usually fine with their low libido... it's only people who had a high sex drive and then lost it who usually take issue with it. I honestly have no idea how you guys differentiate between low libido and asexual... particularly when you factor in that so many asexuals enjoy sex and/or occasionally want to have it to please a partner... I honestly see no difference between the two in those scenarios. Of course, I'm neither asexual nor libido-challenged, so I've no idea.

Asexuals, I think, never want to have sex for sex. Low-libido sexuals could. Asexuals may enjoy sex; they may have sex for the sake of their partner; they may feel their libido and either ignore it or masturbate. They don't think "Gee, I'm really in the mood to have sex with another person." If they don't have a partner -- i.e., don't have someone around who wants sex with them whom they want to give that as a gift -- they couldn't care less if they never had sex again in their entire life. They wouldn't even think about it.

Skulls, I can't figure how you didn't know that. It's been said so often on AVEN.

[Guest]

Nobody, including sexuals, needs partnered sex to satisfy their libido. Masturbation fully suffices for that purpose, for sexuals and aces alike.

Desire for partnered sex - which is a far more precise term than "sex drive" - cannot be satisfied by masturbation, because it's not (only) about satisfying the libido. And that's exactly the difference between aces and sexuals - sexuals do have that desire (and they have it even when their libido is fully and consistently satisfied by masturbation), aces don't.

[Guest]

Low libido'd sexuals are, I think, usually fine with their low libido... it's only people who had a high sex drive and then lost it who usually take issue with it. I honestly have no idea how you guys differentiate between low libido and asexual... particularly when you factor in that so many asexuals enjoy sex and/or occasionally want to have it to please a partner... I honestly see no difference between the two in those scenarios. Of course, I'm neither asexual nor libido-challenged, so I've no idea.

Asexuals, I think, never want to have sex for sex. Low-libido sexuals could. Asexuals may enjoy sex; they may have sex for the sake of their partner; they may feel their libido and either ignore it or masturbate. They don't think "Gee, I'm really in the mood to have sex with another person." If they don't have a partner -- i.e., don't have someone around who wants sex with them whom they want to give that as a gift -- they couldn't care less if they never had sex again in their entire life. They wouldn't even think about it.

Skulls, I can't figure how you didn't know that. It's been said so often on AVEN.

Hahaha no, I mean I know it in theory, but they're just words to me. I have no idea how those things feel significantly different.

[Telecaster68]

But really low libido'd sexuals don't want to have sex for its own sake, because their libido is really low. They just don't have any kind of strong compulsion. However, they're not repulsed, and they like doing stuff their partners like, so they'll end up doing behaving exactly the same way as asexuals.

How is that different from being asexual?

[Taiji]

Fine, but I think the OP is trying to figure out if they are a low libido sexual or an asexual by the AVEN definition. I'm making a good faith effort to answer the question in a possibly useful way. I think there is absolutely a difference, which will continue to exist but be very hard to explain if each individual word spawns a 50 page thread.

The discussion that's been going on is more for my own curiosity rather than trying to figure out a label for myself. I'd rather just take in different opinions and mull over them rather than having a bunch of people tell me right now what they think I could be, and even so, we always say that OP chooses the label in the end.

So my main question is just knowing what actually divides the line between a low libido sexual and an asexual (including gray-ace and demi) from a general perspective. If you were to listen to someone who was questioning their sexuality, and they were not repulsed, but have a low libido, then how could you further reason out if they were sexual or asexual?

I appreciate the answers so far since it's pretty clear that everyone has different reasoning for who is considered sexual and who is considered asexual, and it's not always a firm division between sexual and asexual people.

[Sally]

Low libido'd sexuals are, I think, usually fine with their low libido... it's only people who had a high sex drive and then lost it who usually take issue with it. I honestly have no idea how you guys differentiate between low libido and asexual... particularly when you factor in that so many asexuals enjoy sex and/or occasionally want to have it to please a partner... I honestly see no difference between the two in those scenarios. Of course, I'm neither asexual nor libido-challenged, so I've no idea.

Asexuals, I think, never want to have sex for sex. Low-libido sexuals could. Asexuals may enjoy sex; they may have sex for the sake of their partner; they may feel their libido and either ignore it or masturbate. They don't think "Gee, I'm really in the mood to have sex with another person." If they don't have a partner -- i.e., don't have someone around who wants sex with them whom they want to give that as a gift -- they couldn't care less if they never had sex again in their entire life. They wouldn't even think about it.

Skulls, I can't figure how you didn't know that. It's been said so often on AVEN.

Hahaha no, I mean I know it in theory, but they're just words to me. I have no idea how those things feel significantly different.

Well, yeah; as an asexual, I have no idea how wanting sex feels. But I don't have two states to try to suss out the difference between; just one state of "no thanks".

[Fire & Rain]

Simple. When you still don't want to have sex even during a few times you get horny.