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Question for sexuals: When do you 'expect' sex?


SquidKen

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I probably don't post much because I don't foresee or want changes in my relationship at this time...at least not in the sexual relations department. I don't equate love with sex anymore mostly because my husband goes out of his way to let me know he cares about me and I try to return the kindness.

I generally agree with Skulls that if you have a meltdown about a sexless or low sex relationship, the partner who's not interested in sex could at least listen and assure you that they care. However, in my case, it always resulted in my husband feeling like a failure on some level. I wanted to stop having those meltdowns because I didn't feel good about them and what they did to us...they weren't helping, they were just reruns...it's like we weren't moving on I guess.

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El-not-so-ace

Give in? There's a power issue here?

No, more like trust. As in, to be sure it's a good person and not someone who only wants to get into your pants and bolt after. My friends prefer to see some level of commitment before.

I just don't know which word would fit more.

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Telecaster68

Fair enough. 'Give in' sounded like either granting a favour or grudgingly surrendering.

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Wow, the anti-sexual/ sexual hostility of AVEN is really building, huh? I haven't seen crap like this thread in... well, ever since I've been here. Damn.

Asexuals are upset that sexuals discuss their problems in the Sexual Partners forum? What in the actual fuck?

Lixt - You realize that we don't have partners who are like "I can't have sex with you, please leave if you feel like you should to be happy." We have partners that are like "hang on we'll fix this I promise just give me another shot, you mean everything to me and I don't know what I'd do without you and I can't support myself and also I love you why don't you love me too?". Have you tried to leave someone you are in love with, who loves you back and who won't let you go, because they're not meeting a need that they refuse to acknowledge?

My partner said this weekend: "X and Y only have sex once a month and she's fine. I mean, she yells at him about twice a month and then they have sex, but she's fine with that cycle. Why can't you be?" Oh and this gem: "You're always telling me about asexuals who have sex for their sexual partners. Why can't we just do that. Just so you know, I'm never in the mood, so when we've had sex before it's not like I wanted it anyway." Then "I love you so much and I know we can work this out. We should go to counseling."

So you know what? Screw you guys who think we don't have a right to mention more than once that we'd like to have more sex. And those of you who think it's easy to walk away from someone who won't let you go. This forum exists so we can discuss this stuff... don't like it, then stay out of this one tiny little corner of AVEN. Dang.

Good god. If some of you can't stand the ranting, than please don't come into this part of the forum! It isn't that hard. When you see it, don't click on it if it brothers you that bad. Problem solved.

As a sex repulse asexual, the threads here never bothered me. Some people who post here are at the end of their ropes. Some people need explaining from asexuals why their partner might be like this. And others just want to talk among other sexuals who are in a similar boat. Some of which can be hard for the asexual side to hear, especially if they are in a similar sitaution. Sometimes it is best to just not enter into here if it is that difficult rather than complaining about it. I'm pretty sure many sexuals can find it difficult in other parts of this forum.

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@Kai99: Agreed. Though I'd like to note, I don't really have a problem with criticism. We do need to hear criticism sometimes, too. I just don't think things like "Stop whining" or "Suck it up" are really constructive things to say in a context where people are seeking support..

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Telecaster68

Nobody's said anything about being 'entitled' to sex. Most non-asexuals expect sex to be part of a relationship in the same way they expect gravity to work: it's just part of how the world is. It's not about imposing imperatives on our partners, it's about understanding why a thing that happens in 99% of relationships isn't happening in ours.

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Tele, but that pretty much never was how I thought it'd be. Over 10 years ago, I used to browse on a general love related forum, and there were so many people there who rarely / never wanted sex. I guess some of them were asexual, though nobody mentioned the term back then (probably not very well known). But the point is, for as long as I've been educating myself about love and sex, I've known that having anywhere near as much sex as I'd like is not something I could *expect* from a relationship, and the people giving advice on these forums were very aware and supportive of that circumstance as well. So.. Pretty sure only very uneducated people would have the expectation that relationship necessarily means satisfying sex life.

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Telecaster68

Why does everyone assume I'm intolerant of anything except exactly what I want? There's a massive qualitative difference between 'as much sex as I'd like in my dreams' and 'no sex, ever', and somewhere in the middle would be fine.

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The other day I read something about problems in sexual relationships where one partner wants more sex than the other. Now I wonder, would the compromise in a mixed relationship be somewhere at a level where those sexual couples get into a relationship crisis already?

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Telecaster68

Yeah, easily. It's more about the difference between the partners than absolute levels, and one of them in a mixed relationship is already as low as it's possible to go. So unless the sexual partner is very lowish libido, the difference is always likely to be bigger than between two sexuals.

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Why does everyone assume I'm intolerant of anything except exactly what I want? There's a massive qualitative difference between 'as much sex as I'd like in my dreams' and 'no sex, ever', and somewhere in the middle would be fine.

Back then I've read from people who wanted sex less than once a month. I don't know if that makes them asexual or what..

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Telecaster68

It would make their relationship borderline sexless, clinically speaking. I'm sure you know the averages I could cite in relation to how common that kind of frequency might be. But whatever works for each couple, obvs.

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Fire & Rain

I have no issue with having sex and I don't put a specific rule like how many dates or only after an official relationship title or something like that. I have accepted that sex is an impression of love and affection for many sexual people. When someone who loves me and vice versa is ready to have sex, I too am would be usually on board with it.

Short answer: I don't really decide. It just happens.

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