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"innocent" or just part of being ace?


TulipGirl

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Hey guys I’d love your thoughts/opinions on this! Bring em on!

So I only recently figured out that I’m gray-ace: finding out about AVEN and Asexuality was a MASSIVE breakthrough for me, and I thought through my life up until now, working out that while I’m very romantic and do occasionally experience aesthetic attraction, I have only experienced sexual attraction on a very rare basis, usually only once I have some sort of emotional connection (though not every single time, hence gray-ace rather than demi).

I was sexually assaulted in high school and have experience with abusive relationships, however I was still clearly asexy before these things happened. To be honest they only made me move slightly closer to sex-averse/being fearful of intimacy.

However I wanted to know if certain things are just par for the course of being asexual, or whether I am “immature” or “just innocent”? For example, I love going out for drinks/clubbing with friends (I do love to dance), but if any of my friends ask for my opinion on a guy, I usually respond with “huh? What guy? There’s a guy? What about him?”. Some of them enjoy hooking up when we go out, and if they bring up me making out with someone, I think “why would I be thinking about that? Why ruin a fantastic evening by cutting my dance time short?”

If my sister and I are out at a festival, markets etc. and we play the “who’s hot” game, I never find anyone “hot”. I get a little bored.

I do enjoy discussing sex and relationships with my friends as much as any other topic (though it’s more observant from my POV!), but I find myself being quietly surprised quite often by subjects we get onto. I’ve found I usually walk around assuming all my friends are either still virgins or don’t really have/think about sex, until we start discussing it and I realise just how big sex is to them. A couple I know recently had a pregnancy scare, and though they’ve been together for years I was like “oh, I guess they did the sex then.”

I guess I feel a little left out or immature when I realise how “experienced” my friends are with all-things-sexual and that I’ve only (consensually) had a few kisses, all of which felt pretty boring and ‘meh’. I feel a little worried my friends will find out just how little experience I have/how little I care about getting more.

Is anyone with me?

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

Hi Tulipgirl,

I really understand this! Especially when you talk about going dancing.....I actually had a guy tell me that the purpose of dances was part of the wider mating rituals of human society (oh, sociologists of the world..) I just replied that I was there to dance, as I loved the music, just doing what I appear to be doing and nothing else.

Same with getting a dog. People said 'Oh, what a great way to meet men!'. Actually, I just like dogs. When I'm walking my dog, that's all I'm doing.

The above led me to wonder if I had Aspergers, as it all seems so literal, then I saw a show on TV where people with Aspergers were looking for a partner....and I realised I was something else!

Like you, and I guess others on this site, sex doesn't figure highly on the list of important things to do. You're fine as you are! Just imagine all the 'relationship problems' you're not going to have!

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Galactic Turtle

I've also been stuck in the mindset that my friends and people that I know in general are all virgins and don't engage in any type of sexual activity unless they straight up tell me and even then in my mind I still think "oh, well maybe it's just once a month or so" and my mind just builds a wall if one of them is like "no, actually it's almost every single day."

Sex, in the past, seemed like some mythical thing that other people do and there's still part of me that can't quite comprehend any of the people around me having sex or what wanting to have sex feels like.

Though by the end of college I realized that I, instead of them, was the exception and.... well... here I am. XD

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Autumn Season

In my mind I know that sex is a normal part of everyday life and so on, but then there is this lack of connection to reality. I mean, real people don't have sex, right? It doesn't make sense, but this is how my brain works. At least I am aware of it.

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I...guess it's up to you, what you want to call it. Immaturity, innocence--I guess in a way those are accurate, but I'm not sure how useful. I mean, innocence in a lot of contexts it is used is not very useful--in the context of sex, I think it does more harm than good because if you label lack of sexual experience as innocence, what does that make being sexually active? We don't use the word guilty for that, really, but the implication is there. I think this does no one any good; I think it does everyone at least a little bad--whether we would be the innocent or not. So how about immaturity? Well, it makes a certain degree of sense if you consider a definition like lack of development. Well, Ya, lack of development...you're not developing anything you aren't using. But that's exactly what makes it not very useful in this case--you don't need to develop your sexual know-how as far as you're concerned, so what does it matter? It makes me think of considering all tailbones as immature. In a sense, they are--ain't nobody grown a tail if it only went as far as a coccyx--but who gives a shit? We can get on without tails and it's all good. I don't know how good the example is, but I'm just trying to get at the fact that we don't lament a lack of growth, because it's fine that it doesn't grow. On the other hand, if you are concerned about your lack of awareness in sexual matters, it may well be a useful term that reminds you to learn more. Like I said--up to you.

Hi Tulipgirl,

I really understand this! Especially when you talk about going dancing.....I actually had a guy tell me that the purpose of dances was part of the wider mating rituals of human society (oh, sociologists of the world..) I just replied that I was there to dance, as I loved the music, just doing what I appear to be doing and nothing else.

Same with getting a dog. People said 'Oh, what a great way to meet men!'. Actually, I just like dogs. When I'm walking my dog, that's all I'm doing.

Oh my goodness, I wish there were an actively sexual person here to say how utterly normal this is. I'm convinced of that, anyway. I think there was a conversation already somewhere that was talking about how different behaviour can be understood as either sexually motivated or not depending on the context. Yes, you can make dancing a dog-walking part of your sexual behaviour repertoire, but you could also definitely not. At all. For sure. And all it takes is a rational person to understand this. Don't doubt yourself. ^_^

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Hm, I think it's more of a personal preference or viewpoint. Im sure there are sexual folks who don't really want to design their evenings around lusting after others and would really like to just have fun & dance. I do think it is more common among asexuals to not really connect with the role sex plays in others' lives, though.

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Sexual person here. Dog walking or dancing can be a sexual hunting thing or not... Or they can start as one and if you happen to meet someone interesting, maybe it'll be the start of something. Everything being about sex declines somewhat as you get out of your teens...

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It might be innocence or naivete, or it might be that since you don't partake in those rituals that you just don't care to pay attention. Some people are very observant on these situations and can spot things that don't apply to them, because that's a natural skill of theirs. Some people - sexual and asexual - don't pick up on those things because they're not innately observant.

If you're closer to the latter category plus you're asexual, you also lack a reason to learn to think that way. This could be seen as maintaining innocence, or it could be seen as a don't-know-don't-care choice. I don't look out for signs of flirting or sexual intent because I don't care; it's certainly not because I'm innocent because I can have a dirty mind for someone who never plans to apply it :P

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For example, I love going out for drinks/clubbing with friends (I do love to dance), but if any of my friends ask for my opinion on a guy, I usually respond with “huh? What guy? There’s a guy? What about him?”. Some of them enjoy hooking up when we go out, and if they bring up me making out with someone, I think “why would I be thinking about that? Why ruin a fantastic evening by cutting my dance time short?”

If my sister and I are out at a festival, markets etc. and we play the “who’s hot” game, I never find anyone “hot”. I get a little bored.

I can relate to this. I wouldn't say this is innocent, as much as it's the inability to experience physical attraction.

For the rest, I can't really relate as I definitely have a dirty mind.

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I guess I feel a little left out or immature when I realise how “experienced” my friends are with all-things-sexual and that I’ve only (consensually) had a few kisses, all of which felt pretty boring and ‘meh’. I feel a little worried my friends will find out just how little experience I have/how little I care about getting more.

I can totally relate to this. even after experiencing sexual stuff, it still eludes me how this matters so much to others. My best friend from high school is very sexual and has always been. Before my first time and even after she could be condesending towards me about my lack of experience and "innocense". It wasn't harsh or anything but it did make me feel like I was at fault. But really, don't be.

Be confident in your own feelings and remember that people have a hard time understanding others perspectivees if they don't align with thier own wievs. So don't feel bad about it. Maybe you can talk about with some of your really good friends about it. But again If they have it like my friend, then they might not understand where you are coming from, and don't know how to deal with it.

It has helped me a lot to accept my feelings and learning more about them, so I can trust myself better and not let what others say get to me. Getting to know myself better and understand others and my own situation has made it easier to talk openly with my friends, and maybe teach them about how the world might seem different to other people. ^^'

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Salted Karamel

I don't think it's innocence at all, but rather a case of that thing just not being on your mind as much as it's on everyone else's. So where they might see an obvious connection, because they're thinking about the thing that they're seeing as subtext all the time, and you're not, then it must be because you're "innocent" like a child rather than that you actually know about these things but they're not on your mind.

There's a very black and white sense about this. Like you're either a virgin or sexually active; it's unfathomable to them that someone would have had sex before and not be constantly seeking it all the time. You're either thinking about sex all the time or you don't know about sex at all; it's unfathomable that anyone would understand sex and yet not always be thinking about it. They only see the black and whites of it, so when you're not in one group (the sex-charged) they place you in the other (the unknowledgeable and innocent).

The subtext that they're seeing is like a Rorshach test. They see what they want to see, except they're really damn convinced that's just objectively a picture of a butterfly and if you're not seeing a butterfly then you must not know about butterflies.

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Maybe I read your post wrong, but it sounds like one of your major concerns, aside from the ones already addressed, is what happens when your friends find out about your lack of knowledge, and your lack of desire to fix that knowledge gap. Are you not out to your friends yet? Regardless if you are or not, if it does get brought up just give a brief statement and if you don't want to discuss it in depth, tell them that also. Since your own sexual orientation revelation is still so new to you it may feel like the knowledge is still "sharp," and thinking about it, much less discussing it with others (or thinking about discussing it with others), feels like someone just punched you in the stomach. Being asexual is nothing to be ashamed of, but I can understand wanting to fully adjust to the knowledge yourself before sharing with others, especially since I'm this way.

And now since I'm at least 10 years older than you I'm going to share some information that I've acquired from my own life experiences. Honestly, just like you assumed (or used to assume) that your friends were like you and had little to no experience, they are going to assume you are like them. It's human nature to think that those we are friends with are going to share a lot of the same traits that we have ourselves. Unless you are having a one on one conversation, or everyone in the group is looking at you to answer a question, just keep quiet. A lot of people assume that those who have that quiet, "innocent," air when discussing sex are actually very kinky but also very private. This has worked in my favor for years now. Also, if you think you would like a greater knowledge base w/o actually acquiring the experience yourself, try reading romance and erotica (start yourself off light and go with the romance and then increase the explicitness you are reading if you are so inclined to). I personally enjoy reading and talking about sex, but I have currently have zero interest in having sex with another person.

Truly the best advice I have for you is to not worry about your friends finding out. If you are asked point blank about something I wouldn't lie, but you don't have to tell your whole story either. If you feel like your friends are not being supportive (i.e telling you that you just haven't met the right person, you're doing something wrong, or your otherwise broken), then tell them firmly that this is not a topic up for discussion and if they want to learn more they can check out Aven's website for themselves. I hope everyone's responses have been beneficial for you and have given you the encouragement that you needed.

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