Ask Amy

[(SP)]

http://www.newsday.com/news/columnists/ny-...ment-columnists




2013 Mod Edit: The link to Newsday gives a 404 error, but as many other advice columns, "Ask Amy" was also published in other newspapers. The Chicago Tribune in this case saved a copy here. For future reference:

ASK AMY: ADVICE FOR THE REAL WORLD
Possible feelings of asexuality are least of problems
January 03, 2006 By Amy Dickinson

Dear Amy: I am 17 and planned to go to college, but I recently found out that I am pregnant.

My family is very traditional, devout Catholics. They want me to marry my boyfriend (the baby's father), but I have noticed in the six-month interim that I no longer have sexual feelings for him whatsoever.

In fact, since getting pregnant, I no longer have any sexual feelings at all, and I recall feeling this way even before then.

I have begun investigating "asexuality," and I have found that I meet most of the criteria. On the other hand, being asexual seems like it would be an even bigger complication amid my pregnancy, my parents and my impending marriage, but I want to be true to myself.

Should I go through with the marriage despite my misgivings?

Should I tell my family about my asexuality, or is this just some sort of pregnancy side effect?

-- Super Stressed in Seattle


Dear Super Stressed: I can't tell from here if you are asexual, but I can tell you this: Being 17, pregnant and rushing into a marriage is enough to crush a person's libido into little pieces.

I suggest that your situation, your hormones and your anxiety are affecting your sexual feelings, and I don't think you should worry about it too much right now.

Sometimes when people are under extreme duress, we will seize on something to worry about that is sort of beside the point but easier to dwell on than our other stresses.

If you went to see a therapist, she would ask you to talk all about your feelings regarding sexuality, because that's on top of your list of questions. Talking about your sexuality would be a way to talk about your pregnancy, your feelings toward your boyfriend, your concerns about your future and the pressure you feel from your family.

It would help so much for you to talk to a neutral adult about this. Perhaps a family member, favorite teacher or school counselor could help you to find someone to counsel you. So many women have walked in your shoes and have done very well in life, raising terrific kids and continuing with their education, despite the odds -- and with lots of support. I know about these women because they share their stories with me -- and I share them with my readers.

I don't want to duck your basic question of whether you should marry your boyfriend, so I'll say that my point of view is that it's not a good idea to enter into a marriage because you feel you don't have any other options.

You and your boyfriend have many decisions to make, and it's time to start making them. Start at the top of the list, and work your way through it. You can do it.

[anticulus]

She didn't dismiss it outright, so that's better than a lot of stuff I've seen. So someone out there believes we exist!

[cait]

Yeah, doesn't her lack of sexual feelings sound directly linked to her pregnancy to you? Or perhaps she has realized she is not infatuated with her boyfriend? Being sexual does not mean you feel sexual attraction for everybody. And I would say that was a pretty good answer. I rather doubt this girl is asexual, since she seems to have felt sexual attraction before, just lost it. But who knows!

[Xenon]

I rather doubt this girl is asexual, since she seems to have felt sexual attraction before, just lost it.

And since pregnancy does result in some massive hormonal shifts over the nine months, it is not all that surprising that she's lost interest in sex. At this stage of the game, I'd blame the pregnancy, then suggest she revisit the issue in a year or two (giving her time to recover from the pregnancy).

[yam]

Aww I thought you guys might have compiled questions for me to answer. I love to answer questions. Now I'm sad. :cry:

[Wineblood]

Being 17, pregnant and rushing into a marriage is enough to crush a person's libido into little pieces.

Well, they've got it wrong for a start (bad start). Anyone talking about asexuality should at least know the difference between drive and attraction.

But yeah, the link between the pregnancy and change in sexual feelings does jump out of the page. If she slept with her boyfriend then I'm assuming she felt some kind of sexual attraction to him (not always true, I know), losing it wouldn't mean "asexuality" is the label for her. My advice would have been "hormones mess with you're ability to think straight, wait until the baby's out of you."

[Androgyny]

One of my friends who knows I'm asexual should me that article in school. (and he talks kinda loud so all the girls in the classroom were suddenly like "asexual? what? omg whats THAT? but anyway..) I think it's probably all the stress from what happened to her, the pregnancy and all, I don't actually believe that she's asexual. If she is, she may want to wait till after she has her baby and tries at another relationship before she assumes anything.