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Questions for Demisexuals


Alexander575

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So I've recently found out that I'm demisexual and I was wanting to ask questions to the other demisexuals their thoughts on this.

Basically what I want to know is do you have trouble with having friends?

I find that I can form an emotional bond with just about everyone, and this drives me crazy because I want to have guy friends without being attracting to them romantically and I dont want any sexual thoughts towards them.

I guess what I would like to know is if you guys and gals have any advice for me as far as controlling my feelings? I havn't let myself have any guy friends in over 4 years because I become so attracted to them that it becomes unbearable.

Also I seem to have figured out that other people have certain viewpoints I guess towards others such as. People they hate ,people they dont mind, people they are friends with, people they love, and people they romantically love. Whereas I have people I dont know, and people I care about a lot. Is this normal for demisexuals?

Any thoughts on these questions would be helpful thanks.

PS sorry for my writing I never did excel in English.

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WhenSummersGone

I'm Demisexual but I have only had one male friend that I was sexually interested in and one female friend one time but the feeling was gone quickly. So I'm not sexually interested in all my close friends. I'm not sure what I could say if someone is interested in all their friends though. Have you been less interested in a friend and if so how were they different?

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There was one friend I did not develop attraction towards. The difference was he lacked compassion and was self centered. He was kinda a jerk but he was the only one I did not develop feelings for.

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nanogretchen4

I am bisexual and demisexual. I don't have much trouble making friends. I never feel romantic or sexual attraction for most of my friends.

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Never had that problem. I need to feel very close to someone for a long time to have the possibility to develop feelings other than friendship for them, and I tend to be attracted only to very specific personality types. My love life has been much closer to a desert for almost my whole life.

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I've never had that problem. It takes me a while to figure out my attraction due to my trust issues that take making the close bonds I need to feel attraction hard to get to. Out of all my guy friends, I've had 3 crushes

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So I've recently found out that I'm demisexual and I was wanting to ask questions to the other demisexuals their thoughts on this.

Basically what I want to know is do you have trouble with having friends?

I find that I can form an emotional bond with just about everyone, and this drives me crazy because I want to have guy friends without being attracting to them romantically and I dont want any sexual thoughts towards them.

Being interested in almost all your close friends isn't demisexual.. However it's quite normal for people to want to have sex with/be sexually attracted to multiple people who they get close with (not all sexual people are like this of course but I've met multiple sexual people who are).

What makes demisexuals different is that they take an extremely long time to build a close bond (this sometimes takes years) and are completely asexual during that entire time. It usually takes years for a demisesxual to build a close enough bond for them to be able to desire sex with that person.

If you're someone who desires sex with/has sexual fantasies about people you get emotionally close to and get emotionally close to people regularly (friends etc) that's actually called ''normal'' not ''demisexual'' ...just having trust issues etc doesn't make it any less normal.

If you're having trouble controlling all this (getting sexual fantasies about multiple friends etc) I would say it might be time to seek therapy? Therapists deal with this kind of a thing a lot so might be able to give you some helpful coping strategies.

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There's also that weird thing (weird to me, lol) that demis can only be interested in one person at a time, and everyone else is just... nothing, attraction-wise. It's like a lightswitch gets flipped and it's on only for that one person who they knew a long time and formed an intimate, emotional bond with.

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There's also that weird thing (weird to me, lol) that demis can only be interested in one person at a time, and everyone else is just... nothing, attraction-wise. It's like a lightswitch gets flipped and it's on only for that one person who they knew a long time and formed an intimate, emotional bond with.

ahah well I'm not demi, but I can definitely only be interested in one person at a time.. even when that person isn't interested back. I'm stuck in something sorta like that right now actually.. I have all these gorgeous, awesome-seeming men and women messaging me on OKCupid (some of them even ace) and I'm just like ''nope ew'' ''nope ew'' ''nope ew'' (even when I can see they are physically gorgeous and can read about them and know they are similar to me in a lot of ways etc)...STUPID heart. I need my switch flicked back to ''looking for someone to be interested in'' because right now it's stuck on ''only interested in one person!!!'' and it's driving me insane.

And I mean, you know, Skulls, how much of a dick my ex was, but the whole 5 years I was with him I couldn't even look at another guy and find him attractive or think ''I'd run away with you'' or anything. No matter how bad my ex was, I could only be interested in him for the entire 5 years I was with him.. and it took me two years after leaving him (so, end of 2013) to become interested in someone else (to be able to look at someone and think ''you're hot I'd a-do you'' ...a-do is 'doing' without the sex :P aha)

There is a rather pathetic plot twist to this story, but I cannot reveal it in public *hides in a corner and cries* haha

Sorry to hijack the thread!

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We are probably opposites.


I had (hetero) male best friends, and I had to say goodbye to them, as they were way too controlling and self-assertive, and I like to think with my own head.


I had a couple of (hetero) female best friends, we got really close, and I thought I was so lucky to have them, except they were attracted to me. Although I was very clear about being only friends, things turned really ugly when I started to show interest in a woman. I am done with best friends.


As for simple friends, quite a few female friends came on to me in the past. The thing is, I can feel they are attracted to me, but they really don't seem to get my utter lack of (romantic) interest.


Now I simply try to keep my distance. I enjoy hanging out with my friends when in a group, but I really try to avoid one-to-one contact (especially with women), as I don't want them to get the wrong idea.



As for your question on controlling your feelings, I think taking some time to ask yourself why and how you experience these feelings, would be a good start. In my opinion, the best way to deal with something is to try to understand it first.

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There's also that weird thing (weird to me, lol) that demis can only be interested in one person at a time, and everyone else is just... nothing, attraction-wise. It's like a lightswitch gets flipped and it's on only for that one person who they knew a long time and formed an intimate, emotional bond with.

ahah well I'm not demi, but I can definitely only be interested in one person at a time.. even when that person isn't interested back. I'm stuck in something sorta like that right now actually.. I have all these gorgeous, awesome-seeming men and women messaging me on OKCupid (some of them even ace) and I'm just like ''nope ew'' ''nope ew'' ''nope ew'' (even when I can see they are physically gorgeous and can read about them and know they are similar to me in a lot of ways etc)...STUPID heart. I need my switch flicked back to ''looking for someone to be interested in'' because right now it's stuck on ''only interested in one person!!!'' and it's driving me insane.

And I mean, you know, Skulls, how much of a dick my ex was, but the whole 5 years I was with him I couldn't even look at another guy and find him attractive or think ''I'd run away with you'' or anything. No matter how bad my ex was, I could only be interested in him for the entire 5 years I was with him.. and it took me two years after leaving him (so, end of 2013) to become interested in someone else (to be able to look at someone and think ''you're hot I'd a-do you'' ...a-do is 'doing' without the sex :P aha)

There is a rather pathetic plot twist to this story, but I cannot reveal it in public *hides in a corner and cries* haha

Sorry to hijack the thread!

Oh, for sure, non-demi's have that weird monogamous thing too... I'm just not one of them :P But to my knowledge, all demi's do.

Your exes, man, your exes. I do not envy you.

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Oh, for sure, non-demi's have that weird monogamous thing too... I'm just not one of them :P But to my knowledge, all demi's do.

With how long demis take to start feel something in the first place [/neutral, factual tone]... how can they even know if they have a "mono thing" or a "poly thing" going? I mean, if you just feel something once you've been close to someone for two years, that would mean that you'd have to basically be in a relationship for two years and emotionally close to someone else the same time before you'd even have any chance at all to even notice "oops, I might be poly"... right?

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Also I seem to have figured out that other people have certain viewpoints I guess towards others such as. People they hate ,people they dont mind, people they are friends with, people they love, and people they romantically love. Whereas I have people I dont know, and people I care about a lot. Is this normal for demisexuals?

There was a discussion about this in chat yesterday. Same here and I'm demisexual. I don't have female friends because i will become attracted to them if we bond well. The only way i can have girlfriends is if i know 100% it will never be anything between us, for example: they are asexual, gay, clearly express they are not attracted and just want to be friends.

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Oh, for sure, non-demi's have that weird monogamous thing too... I'm just not one of them :P But to my knowledge, all demi's do.

With how long demis take to start feel something in the first place [/neutral, factual tone]... how can they even know if they have a "mono thing" or a "poly thing" going? I mean, if you just feel something once you've been close to someone for two years, that would mean that you'd have to basically be in a relationship for two years and emotionally close to someone else the same time before you'd even have any chance at all to even notice "oops, I might be poly"... right?

Well, I'm demiromantic, I'm demi for all kinds of attraction actually... I've had what can be called real long-term feelings... I'm still completely monogamous.

I think that what might cause the difference with "ordinary" people is that when their relationship starts, passion reaches its maximum relatively quickly and then slowly fades, while for a person like me, if "hormonal feelings" tend to fade too, feelings in general, even the depth of attraction itself, increases and increases with years. This is a "one partner for life" feeling. And it's true that when it comes to being close to someone (in a romantic or platonic way, I've noticed that for both), once I feel very close to someone it's for life. Or if it isn't for life, I can say that my feelings for some people I haven't even seen since childhood haven't faded yet, and I'm only talking about good friends here. This is even more true for a primary relationship (romantic or platonic) but even stronger as you must add the need for exclusive intimacy to it. And if i want to move on from someone toxic, I have to actively destroy all the feelings I have for them and if i don't do that voluntary work, I'm going to keep having unhealthy feelings for them indefinitely because I know they're not going to fade by themselves with time.

Sorry Mysticus, I'm aware that what I just described must sound like the ultimate nightmare to you :P

However I'm actually happy to have such feelings, as I'm never tempted to cheat, and I still have some long-term control on my feelings if reason tells me to move on so i'm not truly a prisoner, I still have freedom. I guess my feelings work very differently from the norm, and for single people who are like me, this reduces their dating pool even more because I'm aware that that kind of "hardcore monogamy" is incompatible with a lot of people. It can be really heartbreaking though :(

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Oh, for sure, non-demi's have that weird monogamous thing too... I'm just not one of them :P But to my knowledge, all demi's do.

Your exes, man, your exes. I do not envy you.

I don't know if all mono people feel like me, or if I am some sort of fetish for it? Like, I find the idea of total, life-long monogamy very arousing.. as in physically arousing as well as mentally and emotionally.. mmm monogamy <3 ..maybe I'm just weird though? Life long possession of each other, I don't know.. it just seems so super hot haha

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Yes, that must be a demi thing, I think. The few times I've explained my idea of monogamy to friends and relatives, they looked at me as if I were nuts LOL.

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Yes, that must be a demi thing, I think. The few times I've explained my idea of monogamy to friends and relatives, they looked at me as if I were nuts LOL.

aha well other than not being demi myself (I'm grey something something I don't know) I totally know what you're saying. I've been told a few times that i'm clearly strongly influenced by a heavy religious upbringing hah, but yeah.. we owned a bible that used to be my great-grandmothers.. I only flipped through it every now and then for the gory stories.. that's as religious as my family was :P (ie, not religious in any way) hehe

Is that the thing that I know?

No one knows, meep :blush:

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Basically what I want to know is do you have trouble with having friends?

I do, but not for the same reason you do. Rather than developing attraction to everyone I'm close to, I tend to get scared off by the possibility of becoming attracted to them, but it never actually happens. When I meet someone new I have absolutely no idea if I have a chance of being attracted to them at some point down the line... my instinct there is just completely missing. Even as I get to know someone (still feeling absolutely nothing for them) I have no inclination as to which way it could go, but because there's that potential, I usually end up doing a runner.

Also I seem to have figured out that other people have certain viewpoints I guess towards others such as. People they hate ,people they dont mind, people they are friends with, people they love, and people they romantically love. Whereas I have people I dont know, and people I care about a lot. Is this normal for demisexuals?

I don't know if this is normal for demisexuals, but it's very normal for me. I either have people who I care about very deeply (it does vary between people though) or I'm completely indifferent to them.

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No one knows, meep

Ooo, that's good, wasn't a fan of the previous plot twist, hope you're doing something you legit want with this one. I'll shurrup now and stop interrupting someone's thread.

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No one knows, meep

Ooo, that's good, wasn't a fan of the previous plot twist, hope you're doing something you legit want with this one. I'll shurrup now and stop interrupting someone's thread.

It's worse than the last one, hence why I haven't told anyone... Fuck my life haha. I shall also shurrup now :p

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Sorry Mysticus, I'm aware that what I just described must sound like the ultimate nightmare to you :P

I could think of things even more ultimately nightmarish, but yeah, that does sound like a very bad dream indeed. :P

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WhenSummersGone

There was one friend I did not develop attraction towards. The difference was he lacked compassion and was self centered. He was kinda a jerk but he was the only one I did not develop feelings for.

I guess it's just finding out which personality or type of feelings doesn't work for you sexually but someone you could still be friends with. At least that's my experience. For me the emotional bond doesn't always come with friendship because friends are all different.

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I have some preferences I guess and to some friends I become attracted to, but to some I don't. I was never attracted to friends who are younger than me for example. So I guess you can find what doesn't trigger the attraction in your case, find someone like it, befriend them and hopefully you won't fall for them. :D

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Can't say I've had this sort of problem, sorry :/ Then again, I'm a weirdo (see below)

There's also that weird thing (weird to me, lol) that demis can only be interested in one person at a time, and everyone else is just... nothing, attraction-wise. It's like a lightswitch gets flipped and it's on only for that one person who they knew a long time and formed an intimate, emotional bond with.


I would think this is more of a mono- thing and not necessarily a demi- thing, because I'm not really like that.

Maybe with me it's a little different, but I consider myself polyamorous in a sense, only because I realized I don't really fall out of love or "get over" people the way other people seem to need to when they end their relationships or realize a relationship can't exist. It's probably easier for me to deal with this sort of thing because unrequited love doesn't bother me. I still have no actual interest in having more than one relationship at a time.

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Nah. I need to allow myself to consider my friends in a romantic light before I start developing feelings for them, and I'm pretty good at avoiding it.

However the person I was ever attracted to I had no romantic feelings for, so you know...

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How did you deal with exes? - "staying friends" seems pretty impossible... - So why risk a good friendship for a round of bad sex?

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Your case is really interesting. I've always heard from other demis how rare it is for them to develop sexual feelings toward many of their close friends. As a demi myself, I can tell you I have many female friends (sometimes too much) & I only ever developed sexual feelings to 5 of them. Heck, I haven't experienced sexual attraction in 3 years.

You're the first demi person I've heard of that fall for so many close friend.

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