Partner wants to open mixed relationship

[buttonstuck]

I'm not sure if this is the right forum, but I figured I wanted to get opinions from multiple sides.

My boyfriend is extremely sexual and for a long time I thought I was a homoromantic, sex-repulsed asexual. I've come to realize I may be more demisexual, and our relationship has been fine sexually (or so I thought). I'm still cautious but it seemed to be working out.

Recently, however, we tried to go a little bit further and while he seemed interested at first there came a point where he suddenly wanted to stop. I'm 110% fine with that and glad he said something, but then afterward he told me that a lot of the reason he wanted to stop was because he's not physically attracted to me and he had a hard time staying aroused.

Here's the thing: I'm trans (ftm) and he's gay. He said for a very long time that this wouldn't be a problem, that he was into me, etc., but now my body seems to be an issue. I sort of expected something like that, but since sexuality is so difficult for me in the first place I felt pretty dumb for thinking he was actually attracted to me, and wondering why he hadn't said anything before/led me on.

He says that he loves me and we really connect emotionally, but the sexual component isn't really there for him. He then said that he'd been thinking for a while, and the only options he could come up with to keep him happy were an open relationship or breaking up. He also said that he wanted to be able to explore his sexuality more and he would probably suggest opening a relationship with anyone he was involved with.

I can understand that, but compounded with my identity (I mean, I'm already not much of a fan of my own body, so this sort of feels like confirmation that I'm inherently unattractive because of it) I really don't know what to do in the situation. We've done a lot of talking about it but haven't gotten anywhere, lots of crying happens, etc. He assures me that he separates sex and emotions, but we are both fairly young and I just don't know that he has the experience to back it up. Honestly, I'm sort of afraid he'll find a cis boy he also connects with emotionally and I'll be old news. I know that could happen at any time but it just feels so immediate. Since our initial conversation I've pretty much lost any of the confidence I'd gained sexually and I feel just as sex repulsed as I used to, honestly. He says he doesn't just want to stop the sexual aspects of our relationship, but I don't think I'd be capable of initiating anything at this point.

I love him and don't want to break up over this, but it seems like such a big issue for him. I also don't want to open our relationship just to keep him from leaving me, because that's just a bad situation for everyone and I don't want to get more resentful than I already am.

I know this is a lot of information, but I was hoping some of you may have some advice for how to move forward or approach the situation (besides "communication," because we're very good at that and that isn't the problem). Thanks!

[Frigid Pink]

I love him and don't want to break up over this, but it seems like such a big issue for him. I also don't want to open our relationship just to keep him from leaving me, because that's just a bad situation for everyone and I don't want to get more resentful than I already am.

It sounds like it's a big issue for you, too. It's not just about him. It's about you, too. It's okay to love him and it's okay to not want to break up over this, however, I don't think it's the best idea to stay in a relationship that isn't working for you (or for either of you), and it sounds like that may be the case here. I don't see how staying in a situation like that would lead to anything other than more pain (and there can be love without pain). Unfortunately, we don't always have the best options, however, we do have options, and we still have choices. I think it's best to think about yourself and your own wants and needs in this situation and determine whether or not this relationship is the best one for you (and it's okay if it isn't). Only you can decide what is and isn't tolerable and what is and isn't a dealbreaker, however, it certainly sounds like you and your partner may be incompatible.

I highly recommend this article: http://broadblogs.com/2015/04/13/pleasure-wound-vs-pleasure-love/