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"I want to be on top"


Lord Jade Cross

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Lord Jade Cross

So I used to hear this (well read) around alot and it never made sense to me. What is it about being "on top" that people seem to seek so much. Is it to fill some dominator/dominated fantasy or is there another explanation for this?

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It's partly a mild dom thing sometimes, for some. Doesn't have to be full on dom stuff though, one of the delights of sex is the shifting back and forth of control. But I think it's mostly you get to move how you want, controlling speed, angle, depth etc. either for your own pleasure or to give pleasure to your partner.

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for a few reasons... because it's fun to be in charge of giving pleasure, rather than just laying back... it's the "dominant" position, but not dominant in a BDSM way, but dominant in the sense that the actions are being administered by the person on top, more or less. As in "I'm right-handed, which means my right is my dominant hand." If you're talking about PIV (or similar), the angles, the depth, the speed, etc, is largely controlled by the person on top. It's a sexier way of saying "I wanna do you now".

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nanogretchen4

Being on top is the more active role. I find it more interesting although it is also more physically tiring. Some people need to be in control of the action to reach orgasm, so they're better off on top. Some need a minimum of distractions, so they're better off on bottom. People who don't have orgasms during intercourse anyway can just do whichever seems more fun or take turns.

Being the active partner and being dominant are not necessarily the same thing. If so inclined a person could spin almost any sexual act either as dominating their partner or as servicing them. It's all in the minds of the participants.

I've only had one heterosexual relationship with a heterosexual. I've been with mostly straight women and a mostly gay man. In same sex relationships there is no obvious default setting for who does what how much of the time. It seems to be pretty routine to actually talk about this stuff at the beginning of the relationship. Heterosexuality seems to default to the man being the active partner unless otherwise stated. So if the people saying they wanted to be on top were women, maybe that's why they made a point of saying it.

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Its really why males with no sex drive, cannot really do sex with females, or want to.

Glad i was an asexual male, and always will be.

Most males think sex is so easy, and probably most females expect males to think of sex as easy to do. But the minority of males with little or no sex drive, just cannot do it, and will always shy away from it.

Females seem to think all males can play this role they need, but no they cannot.

I am glad having no real sex drive puts of males like me, from ever trying it, no matter what female ever liked me. I am glad thats how nature works, and i just find it funny that society always assumes every male is full of this big sex drive, when maybe only a majority are. A minority cannot or will not even bother trying it.

Its why males with little or no sex drive, will always shy away from sex, they just cannot perform the role the male normally plays with a female. Like what this thread is about.

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The very few notions of sexuality I have (me being in a sexual situation), I must admit, I prefer the idea of being "on-top", in a stereotypical sense anyway, I suppose the control is reassuring?

Ideally there needs to be a balance of "power" during sex I'm thinking? Well it'd be nice to think people think of one another first during sex or something.

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Like i said in other threads.

People are either a dominator, or a submissive. Everyone is either one of those, with different variations.

If a male is to submissive, he will not be able to have sex with females at all, and its why males with no or little sex drive just cannot do it.

Society always assumes males plays the dominator in sex, and maybe the majority of time they do. Well its the reason why males with no real sex drive cannot have sex.

I seriously doubt many females would like a totally submissive male, where she would have to totally dominate, thats why males with no sex drive, just cannot play that role needed by females of males in sex, and they stay away from it, and will not even try it.

I do not know anything about sex as an act, but i seriously doubt females would really like a total submissive male. They need the male to dominate during sex mostly i would guess, although males and females can play different roles.

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It's all about role-playing for me. I like to switch positions after a while, and switching roles is ok too. Sex can be a way to express yourself. It can happen that my partner wants to be more dominant, or that she wants me to be a little more aggressive (or more delicate).

As I see it, there are no fixed rules, only what the couple feels like doing in a specific moment of intimacy, which may change in the future.

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For an asexual, you know an amazing amount how sex works, andreas.

Ideally there needs to be a balance of "power" during sex I'm thinking?

Kinda, but it chops and changes and works in ways you wouldn't expect if you've never done it. Many women find being on their knees giving a blowjob puts them in a position of power, though in other ways, it's submissive. And giving up power in a situation where you know it's safe and you're ultimately going to be given an amazing time is sexy as hell too.

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It's a sexier way of saying "I wanna do you now".

"I wanna do you now" sounds pretty sexy to me though ^^. Sexier than "I want to be on top" at least!

Qualifications to determine this: none.

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for a few reasons... because it's fun to be in charge of giving pleasure, rather than just laying back... it's the "dominant" position, but not dominant in a BDSM way, but dominant in the sense that the actions are being administered by the person on top, more or less. As in "I'm right-handed, which means my right is my dominant hand."

Yup... I read it as the question of who is the giver and who is the recipient, which for some people - including me - is crucially important, as sex that isn't strictly one-sided is repulsive.

Its really why males with no sex drive, cannot really do sex with females, or want to.

You do realize there's more than one way to have sex, right? Even the most non-libidinous and unaroused male-bodied person usually has two hands and a mouth, so it is about "will not/doesn't want to", not about "cannot".

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Think I'd find 'I want to do you now' sexier too, although I guess Skulls' point is that 'I want to be on top' is a bit more specific and descriptive way of saying 'I want to make you feel so good, lay back and enjoy being adored'.

It implies the 'doing you' bit, a bit like 'I really want the feel of a juicy steak in my mouth' implies 'I want a good meal'.

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Always makes me think of the scene from Big :D

Yep, that movie clip makes me laugh as well. Females whom come across asexual males, must resonate with this clip, and how obvious females have to be sometimes, when the male has no real sex drive, lol

Most females are so used to most males having a drive, that when a female encounters a male with no sex drive, she really finds it hard to understand how to initiate the contact, and how she can force the issue.

I think that clip really sums up where the female is sexually active, and a male whom is totally innocent, and both are talking about different things. Its good how hollywood demonstrates this sometimes, lol

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Lord Jade Cross
Not as obvious as the clip but I have been in that scenario. Only realizing the real intention of the other person much later when it suddenly clicks and I go like Sheldon when Penny explains to him what Amy is looking for and what she means when she says the thijgs she says. Basically an "Oh.......Oh!?"
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Females from there own experience know that most males push the issue. So when its upto them, as they encountered a really shy male, or an asexual male(society does not believe in asexuals). The female will try and push the issue as much as she can.

I love how in that scene, the male(hanks), just has no idea what she is talking about, while she clearly does.

I bet it resonated alot with females whom has encountered asexual males, and how hard it can be for even the most forward female, to get the bloke to understand what her intentions are.

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Lord Jade Cross
Guess that means that I left a couple of girls dumfounded. I guess in a way it was a good thing as they didn't have to put up with me. I wouldnt know what to do in sex even if I was the one seeking it. So cheers I guess for not ruining girls nights of sex
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for a few reasons... because it's fun to be in charge of giving pleasure, rather than just laying back... it's the "dominant" position, but not dominant in a BDSM way, but dominant in the sense that the actions are being administered by the person on top, more or less. As in "I'm right-handed, which means my right is my dominant hand." If you're talking about PIV (or similar), the angles, the depth, the speed, etc, is largely controlled by the person on top. It's a sexier way of saying "I wanna do you now".

Eh. Unless your sexual partner is like my spouse. In which case, the person on top has no control over any of it and the bottom is still in full control, so the only difference is are you looking down or up. :lol:

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Geez now I feel like even more of an oddball after reading this thread... because back when I was having sex I always really preferred female on top. I thought being on top was awkward and weird and really disliked it a lot. I wasn't the initiator anyway.

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Lord Jade Cross
I dont know about awkward but it definately sounds more uncomfortable physically speaking.
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This control/power thing is really complicated.

I feel like the one-sided arrangement where I'm solely giver, the partner is solely recipient - the only arrangement in which I can be at all comfortable with sexual activity - leaves her in the more powerful/higher status position (with her being the one getting served, in more senses than one), but me in the position of far, far more control on what actually happens.

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Yeah, it is complicated. And in the situation you describe, she's feeling the same mix of control and vulnerability.

But when you trust the person with the power, and you're being trusted with having that power yourself (and both at the same time, as inversions of the same situation), it feels very close and intimate and bonding.

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Lord Jade Cross
Speaking in general terms, I dont think Id be comfortable giving someone power over me. That kind of thing would freak me out even more in sex
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