"Possible signs of asexuality" when your life has a running theme of sexual service tw: non-graphic sexual abuse/ Could I be asexual?

[HawkeyeKateBishop]

Hi all,

Apologies if this isn't the right place for this.
For a while, I've been kind of wrestling with the idea that I might be asexual. (Or I might have a low sex drive due to my birth control, or I might have just been having sex with terrible partners, or it could be lingering trauma, or or or)

So today I looked up that "possible signs of asexuality" article and just... a few things really hit the mark, like that absolutely describe me. But most didn't, in a way that I'm pretty sure has everything to do with the perspective the writer has, and probably very little to do with any of my actual inclinations (I think).

Background: I was molested as a kid. By 7, I knew how to have sex, and what felt good for a male partner. As a teenager, I figured I was a [gendered slur] already anyways, so I might as well go wild, right? I hooked up with a lot of people, mostly much older men who expressed interest in me, since I'm not sex averse and I had poor boundaries and a sense of self-worth dependent on other people's approval.

As an adult, for the last 5 years or so, I've worked as a sex worker. It's been a pretty good experience on the whole; I've had very few clients who didn't treat me with great respect, and thanks to the steady, greater than minimum wage income, I've been able to put myself through school and through therapy, which has been immensely helpful in letting me build "don't have sex/date just because someone else wants to" and "don't determine your self worth by how sexually attractive you are to men" standards.

Other things complicating the question: I've been on a non-oral form of birth control for the last 4 years or so, which has both stopped my periods entirely, and stopped the once monthly "oh god I really want to go out and have sex with someone. Anyone" and then not really care either way the rest of the month cycle;
My job: I have a lot of sex, mostly with people who are terrible at it. I've also dated a lot of people who were also terrible at it. Current BF is very good at it, though, and I still feel like I could take it or leave it.

So, some examples of where the article just had completely different base assumptions

Like, the running idea in the article is that asexuals just don't "get" sex, especially how it works, which is... not me. I've known "how sex works" in the mechanical, and even emotional sense for a long, long time. It also is one of the ways that I feel connected to my partner, which the writer mentions, in his own experience, is not the case.
Similarly, the writer's perspective on sexy clothes is completely different than mine as well, where obviously to me, sexy clothes are not only part of my job, they also latently validate my self-worth. (This strikes me as something I'm probably not alone in, as women are much, much more strongly expected to wear and to enjoy wearing sexy clothing for the benefit of other people)

As for initiating sex. Well, most of the time, I initiate it (both in my job and out of it - current BF isn't pushy). But that's because "obviously" my partner wants sex, and I've felt for most of my life like it's my job to provide. It's like the last step in the process - meet up with BF, have dinner, do 'date' things, go to bed, have sex.

Again, a thing that is much more strongly expected of women than of men, the cultural stereotype being that since men obviously want sex, and the cultural expectation for women to maintain the relationship by providing for their male partner's needs being what they are. So, personal history aside "you never initiate sex" just... didn't resonate at all.

Idk, the whole thing just left me feeling like "I really wish there was a version of this written from a woman's perspective, because a lot of this article seems to have a male perspective" and as is, this article just left me feeling like I couldn't possibly be asexual because so little of it applies to me - even though intellectually, I can see that it kind of does. Or could, anyway.

Like, I think I've ever wanted to have sex with anyone maybe once. Maybe. This was years ago, before my birth control killed my periods and therefore that 2 day timeframe where I desperately wanted sex, so it could also have been within one of those two day periods. Or (and I may be projecting, but this is how I remember it now) it was more of a sensual desire? I wanted to be held by [guy], but I met him through work, so obviously sex was what he was looking for.
And also, I genuinely enjoy having sex (when it's good), though I don't get into it until about halfway through (which I'm told is called having a passive sex drive), so trying to figure out where the line between sexual attraction and having a sex drive is (like, an actual understanding, not just being able to regurgitate words)... something I still haven't figured out.

(I guess I'm leaning more towards saying that I am asexual, since as I mentioned, I think most of the article would apply to me if you ran if through a filter of women's cultural conditioning and my personal experience, and also because when I look up "what is a low sex drive" they all mention being bothered by lack of wanting to have sex, and I'm not bothered in the slightest)

Did anyone else have similar issues with the article when they first read it, or did anyone else have similar complications with determining if they're asexual?

(article link: http://www.asexualityarchive.com/possible-signs-of-asexuality-part-1-about-you/)

[levelskid]

I've read that article, and I believe he mentions that sometimes none could apply and you could still be ace. Everybody's feelings toward sex is different. For me, I get sex. I understand it mechanically and how it is important to relationships, and yes, I notice girls wearing sexy clothes, and I'm not afraid to say it arouses me and that I'm still grace. I can understand that it feels good, but I don't understand why some people craves it as bad as they do, but I can understand that that's something they like strongly. Some people can't go without chocolate. I like chocolate, but I won't die without it and I rarely crave it. Still a virgin, but I'll say I won't initiate, but I could if my partner feels in the mood and asks if I do it more often, and since I'm one of the males who could pick up body language, I'll know when to initiate a little more than I should. What makes us ace is the fact that sex don't register in our minds. Asexuals and sexuals can all fall in the line of repulsed, indifferent, and positive, and we could certainly get pleasure. Sex is complicated, but if you don't feel its importance or need or you can dismiss the thought entirely, you're probably ace.

[Isak]

I get how sex works, my sex drive is anything but low, yet I am not sexually attracted to anybody. It takes a while (weeks, or even months) before I can actually enjoy having sex with a partner, as that depends on how much I bond (emotionally) with her. (I think) I am demisexual.

In short, sex drive and sexual attraction don't necessarily go together.

This page might help:

http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/77043-defining-sexual-attraction/

[andreas1033]

Like i said before, i think being asexual as a male, and asexual as a female are different.

If you are truly asexual as a male, you just cannot have sex.

But when your female and asexual, you can still fulfil a role you think your partner wants.

As a male asexual, i would say that i really do not know how sex works overall, as never experienced it, as i did everything i could to stay away from it. Being asexual, you just do not open up the instincts that guide you into what to do. Thats what happens when you have no sex drive. But obviously there are varying degrees of asexual, and being male or female would determine alot too.

I proved i was asexual, by myself, and without advice or things from others, and like asexuals before, we had to come to our own conclusions.

So i think op, shows there is a difference between asexual as males and females. I would think also on trauma, it probably would effect males more as a child then females. So i would not write of trauma because you were traumatised and you still have sex. I would think being asexual as a male is different then for females in this way.

[Isak]

Like i said before, i think being asexual as a male, and asexual as a female are different.

If you are truly asexual as a male, you just cannot have sex.

But when your female and asexual, you can still fulfil a role you think your partner wants.

As a male asexual, i would say that i really do not know how sex works overall, as never experienced it, as i did everything i could to stay away from it. Being asexual, you just do not open up the instincts that guide you into what to do. Thats what happens when you have no sex drive. But obviously there are varying degrees of asexual, and being male or female would determine alot too.

I proved i was asexual, by myself, and without advice or things from others, and like asexuals before, we had to come to our own conclusions.

So i think op, shows there is a difference between asexual as males and females. I would think also on trauma, it probably would effect males more as a child then females. So i would not write of trauma because you were traumatised and you still have sex. I would think being asexual as a male is different then for females in this way.

What you described sounds more like a non-libidoist asexual vs libidoist asexual thing (I think the OP might be closer to the latter), rather than a male asexual vs female asexual distinction, unless, of course, I misread your words.

[scarletlatitude]

You can have sex and be asexual. Asexual means that you don't DESIRE sex, not that you never have sex. I might not desire vegetables but I eat them anyway. Some people don't desire sex but for different reasons they have it anyway.

If you feel like you have some kind of desire, you may be gray-asexual. Gray falls in between sexual and asexual (kind of like how the color gray falls in between black and white).

For me, I understand sex just fine. I have a degree in biology. I teach anatomy. I know what's supposed to happen, and occasionally I can get myself to respond that way. BUT, I almost never desire it. I mean sure, that one time of the month it creeps up on me, and maybe if I had a partner I would have sex occasionally for them, but otherwise... nope no thanks. I consider myself gray-asexual, not completely ace but pretty darn close.

[HawkeyeKateBishop]

I guess I'll do a mass response, since several of these... I'm not really sure how to respond to.

I appreciate the validation in my belief that I'm asexual (lol I did actually know that I can be asexual and have sex, and that they're not intertwined :p I've done at least that much reading).
I guess I was more looking to have other cis female and AFAB people's perspectives on reading the article, and on their own (idk journeys? I guess) journeys to figuring out that they were ace. For me, intellectual understanding and practical understanding aren't the same, so I can remember words on a page, but that doesn't necessarily mean I really get it. I've know what asexuality is intellectually for several years, since my sister came out, but even then, even with all the conversations I've had with her about what it is, I still never connected it with myself, because ( I think) she's never had sex, and I've had lots so, even though I now am sort of certain that I've never really experienced sexual attraction (just the occasional burst of increased sex drive), I never connected that with me.

([commentary only, no responses necessary] on the other hand, it's pretty common for sex workers to lose interest in sex after a while, I guess, so maybe I am projecting my current apparent lack of attraction to people onto the past... on the other other hand, sex=/=sexual attraction, and I've heard nothing about a trend towards asexuality among veteran SWs... on the other other other hand, does it matter 'where' my lack of attraction is coming from? *head>desk*)

Ameoba,

I mean, on the one hand, yes, the article does say that absolutely nothing could apply and I could still be ace, but reading it was still very... i don't know the word. Off putting? It was a little upsetting, tbh (I've been having a bad time since new year's, I'm a little fragile lately). I mean, the writer doesn't make any secret about being male, but even if he had been trying to, it was so obviously written with no thought in mind to what it's like having pressure to perform sexuality and sexual attractiveness for your heternormatively male partner that I'd've known anyway. Or at least wondered.
And that was a bit of a problem, for me. Because when I was reading it, there was no "yes, this is me! I have a word for it now!" moment. There was only "oh god, this isn't me. But if I'm not ace, then wth is wrong with me?" before my conscious mind caught up and dissected all the ways that it could apply to me, under very different circumstances.
And then when I searched "possible signs of asexuality in women" (different website, link below), it was pretty disappointing to see that ... it kind of does the same thing. It immediately starts out with "signs" that aren't very helpful, because they're way outside my experience. Among several others: "Maybe you spent your teenage years waiting for the spark of desire to kick in, but it never did. You watched everyone else start pursuing sex, but your turn never came." [bitter laughter] nope.

Moreover, the different layout of the article, the much smaller focus on what "not having an interest" in people actually looks like in practice, made it even more difficult to figure out where my experiences might be differing from the experiences the writers were assuming most of their readers would have.

idk, maybe I'm just... an outlier, or something. My experience doesn't seem to match up with any of the classic, common enough to be mentioned signs. Like, I've never felt broken, or different. I've never 'looked on' while other people were getting on with the experience of being "normal", because I was getting on with the experience of being a [gendered slur], and ultimately, I mean, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm not asexual at all. I have no idea what sexual attraction is supposed to feel like, so maybe I have been feeling it all along. How am I even supposed to know?
I know sex as a recreational activity isn't very important to me. I don't think it ever has been, except for those couple of days a month, but I know that I've always known that it's going to be expected of me. I know that despite it not being important, I think about it a lot, often in the context of my job, sometimes in the context of "meeting up with BF later, better make sure I'm ready". As a teenager, it was like a trophy to me and my other screwed-up friends: how many people could we sleep with, to prove how damaged we were?

I know I'm romantically attracted to men, and that I have often felt like sex was a chore (especially when they were bad in bed, and I wasn't having my hypothetical physical needs met). I know that I've never felt like I wasn't straight, until recently, but I don't know if that comes from being straight or from being trained from a young age to be... available to men. I know I don't get it when my coworkers talk about how seeing a hot client "makes [the experience] better". But maybe appearance just doesn't matter to me (it certainly hasn't guided my dating/"trophy"-seeking choices).

I know that ultimately it comes down to whether or not I experience sexual attraction, and the truth is, I have no idea whether I do or not. I know that once, several years ago, I dated someone that I absolutely did *not* want to have sex with. At the time, I thought it was that I wasn't attracted to him, but looking back, I can't see that I felt any differently about his body than I have about anyone else's body, and the possibility that I was responding to the absolute dysfunction of his personality and all the red flags he was flinging up definitely exists.

So I go looking for a nicely compact list of things that asexuality feels like, and... well. I end up feeling just as uncertain as I was before. :/

link:http://www.whatisasexuality.com/am-i-ace/woman/