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Telecaster68

Asexuals, how long do you think sex takes? (TMI)

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Sally

Like, no matter how much you know that not everyone has to like sex, it doesn't change that fact that most people do, and there's this experience that you don't have, that unfortunately impacts your relationships - against your will - with people you love.

Yes. :(

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

So, guys, how do you counteract the feeling broken thing? No one should have to feel broken or missing out or like a freak. :(

I don't feel broken anymore because I found people like me on this site... One in particular who is ace, but just ''works'' with me, works perfectly with my kinks etc.. you know how sometimes two people can ''fit together'' (I don't just mean in a relationship, you can be intimate together without being in a relationship of course)... It's hard to feel broken (sexually anyway) when you are so happy intimately with someone.

Of course, like SnowCone said there are many ways someone can be broken and have things ''wrong'' with them, and I have plenty of all that :P but sexually, I feel completely ''whole'' now. I am content with my (admittedly grey) asexuality, and enjoy this more than I ever enjoyed anything when I was trying to have sex to make myself normal aha. Honestly, being asexual is awesome, for me anyway ^_^

EDIT: and all that aside, I am still a freak, but that has nothing to do with my asexuality :ph34r: heh

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HeartBreakerA

I am happy for those who feel "sexually " whole. <_< I do not think I will be whole while on this earth.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

I am happy for those who feel "sexually " whole. <_< I do not think I will be whole while on this earth.

If you met someone who worked perfectly with you intimately (regardless of what you're into) would that help you feel more whole ''sexually''? ...I don't feel better when I'm alone intimately (I feel shit when I'm alone intimately, but I didn't know that until after I discovered asexuality and started having intimate ace relationships).. but when I have someone I am happy with on an intimate level, I feel empowered in my a-sexuality.. if that makes sense?

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Philip027
So, guys, how do you counteract the feeling broken thing? No one should have to feel broken or missing out or like a freak. :(

Coming across this place helped, in a sense. In another sense, it continued the feelings of alienation in another way when it felt like most aces (or so it seemed to me) still possessed libidos, and that was a concept that was still foreign to me.

It isn't AS foreign to me nowadays, but still primarily is.

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m4rble

So, guys, how do you counteract the feeling broken thing? No one should have to feel broken or missing out or like a freak. :(

By being an aromantic asexual with no interest in humans other than the occasional friend, and also holding the belief that it's the sexuals who are the weird ones with their strange, unhygienic rituals ;)

Unhygienic is right. ;)

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Balding

How long how often? For an ace... too often and too long, and for sexual, not often enough and not long enough.

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m4rble

I'm too young to have really thought of myself as :broken" because plenty of people haven't had sex at my age. (I'm 20) I've felt different and awkward amongst my peers in a variety of ways though.

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Balding

Question of time to orgasm, for me at least ,was greatly delayed when my wife would ask shortly after started intercourse " how long was it going to take?" Her obvious lack of desire ironically would decrease my desire and arousal and just make it longer until I could get to a happy finish if I even could at some points. Foreplay for her after near year's worth of foreplay attempts to initiate from me would be " okay, fine then" and she'd flop onto her back spread her legs and say " let's go then, I know you deserve it"....she never realized that skipping foreplay and facilitating a quickie meant lower arousal and longer to arrive....and I'd be sure to try arrive so as not to hurt her feelings.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

I'm too young to have really thought of myself as :broken" because plenty of people haven't had sex at my age. (I'm 20) I've felt different and awkward amongst my peers in a variety of ways though.

wow I don't know where you live, but everyone around me started having sex around 14 onward.. One of my 13 year old friends even got pregnant (she had the baby and raised it alone, to her credit).. I didn't start feeling really broken until like 17-18 when I first had sex (and that was super late, like I said, most girls I know started a lot younger) and it was.. well, I hated it. And I didn't know why.. that's when I really started feeling like there was a lot more wrong with me than just being a geek, a loner, and the weird chick who is always sitting in the corner reading.. All those things are fine, but not being able to enjoy sex? No way is that acceptable, no one will ever love me if I can't enjoy this basic human ''need''... That's what my brain was telling me anyway. I even went to a doctor and his advice was ''your libido is healthy, you are young, fit, active, you masturbate.. you're completely normal you just need to keep having sex and eventually you'll love it! good luck!'' .... thanks doc <_<

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Jade Cross

Same around here. I still remember a bit of commotion when a classmate dropped his wallet and a condom came out of it.

Feeling broken came when people would make comments about me being a freak because I didnt get their sexul jokes or statements. So people would get angry and resort to just name calling. They still kinda do when I dont participate in their sex talks.

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Serran

Yeah, for me, broken started around 13 when I said I didn't care how people looked and I was called a liar by everyone, cause I HAD to want the "sexy" guy over the "ugly" one. Continued when at 14 I kept being pressured to masturbate, but I didn't actually want to. Then on to everyone telling me how awesome sex was when I had my first boyfriend at 15. And just got worse after my reaction to sex with him was more like "Huh. That's what all the fuss is about? It was kinda blah." I actually... don't even know the religious types that stayed virgins until in their 20s, they usually married quick cause they were so tempted, so most of my family/friends who had that reasoning married at 16-19, mostly so they wouldn't have sex before marriage. :unsure:

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Blakrana

Feeling broken came when people would make comments about me being a freak because I didnt get their sexul jokes or statements. So people would get angry and resort to just name calling. They still kinda do when I dont participate in their sex talks.

I've had similar, if mixed, experiences on these grounds.

On the negative side, the most I ever really had to put up with was people stressing over the fact I didn't show any interest in any of the allegedly 'hot' girls in class, nor did I show any interest in the girls I was friends with either. Far as I was concerned I was in school to learn, not gawk. Cue endless attempts to put me down that I'd never have sex before I was x years old. I just shrugged and got on with stuff. Why should I care about something I can do later anyway sort of view.

Positive side of things, friends at university whenever they did talk about sex or the like it was pretty even handed. Though I attained a reputation to be unerringly immune to a need for Brain Bleach for some of the things brought up, which was arguably considered enviable. Which has led, strangely, to being one of the go to people for a friend to talk about when he starts stressing about fantasies and what because I can just...listen and discuss it like an academic matter.

I guess I just find it easier not to care when it is others making a point about it. Though when it comes to personal matters...it's a fair bit messier...

Honestly the only times I've ever felt off for my inherent nonplussed reaction to the whole thing, is when I've been in situations where someone I was romantically involved with expressed an interest in the idea of being sexually intimate. Whilst I could...say things that I figured were polite responses whilst evading (the perks of LDRs), I did note a feeling of discomfort of seeing them in such a way. Part of me blamed shyness, but I had no way to know as it stood.

So...in perhaps one of my greater moments of bastardly pragmatism, when situations arose in a virtual context with someone I was romantically involved with...I went along with it. Partly because I knew it'd make her happy...partly because it was an excellent chance to establish a 'sample size' of my own feelings to examine and use for introspection (aka "for science"). Shyness would have meant it'd have gotten easier, which suffice to say, didn't happen. Much as I know I cared for her as a person, it was the inability to 'want her' in the same way which left a lot of things to think about. Ultimately it fed into the research that brought me here to actually get the clarification that it wasn't a matter of 'don't actually love people' as I was concerned it might have been indicative...though I still don't think I have any right to pretend I do.

Fact remains that I deceived someone I purported to care about. That's a much greater cause for concern for me than my lack of sexual interest in others. Honestly, what makes me so different from anyone else who uses someone for their own ends? Cybering it may have been, all the 'just words really' and all that but...it's still a manner of deception and manipulation. Relationships should be built on mutual trust and respect...fact I never once brought up how I was feeling under the 'justification' "it makes her happy" was ultimately a betrayal of that...

Suffice to say, its one of the many things I use to back up my stance I am not worthy of another's love. I've already used one person for my own ends...can't pretend I couldn't do it again "for science". I'm not broken because I'm not interested in other's sexually. Rather, I'm broken because I can take advantage of someone I allegedly love just to figure myself out. Sure, we lost means of keeping in touch long before I figured it all out...but I still never attempted to admit how I felt around that one element of the relationship for fear it'd have done more harm than good.

Apologies to ramble on here. It's not exactly something I can sum up very easily.

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Skullery Maid

So I have confusion about these stories... and my age may explain 90% of it, maybe, but... I didn't have sex until I was 18 (girl) and 21 (boy) and I honestly didn't feel any pressure at all until college. Some of that may have been that my friends and I were all nerds with the highest GPA's and the only people likely to leave the state for college... we were all focused on our futures, etc... but I dunno, I have no idea how someone could feel broken at age 14. I remember the sex jokes and I remember not understanding them and I remember being teased about it a bit, but I had no respect for those people because they were the dumb, popular kids and I didn't care what they did. *shrugs*

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Snao Cone

So I have confusion about these stories... and my age may explain 90% of it, maybe, but... I didn't have sex until I was 18 (girl) and 21 (boy) and I honestly didn't feel any pressure at all until college. Some of that may have been that my friends and I were all nerds with the highest GPA's and the only people likely to leave the state for college... we were all focused on our futures, etc... but I dunno, I have no idea how someone could feel broken at age 14. I remember the sex jokes and I remember not understanding them and I remember being teased about it a bit, but I had no respect for those people because they were the dumb, popular kids and I didn't care what they did. *shrugs*

For me I think it had a lot to do with my peer group. Some of my friends had sex at 15 or 16 but they were odd ones out. We were in the smart person classes and spent way more time talking about sex than having it because we were just nerdy and intellectual, I guess. I didn't feel sexually out of place, and that's definitely a contributing factor to why I didn't feel asexual while still in high school.

Well, towards the end of grade 12 I was trying to force myself to do it. I didn't touch a dude's bits until I was just shy of 18.

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Rising Sun

I guess an asexual 14-year-old must feel broken the same way as a gay teen must feel broken, mainly because of bullying. I'm talking about extreme cases that said.

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Jade Cross

I guess an asexual 14-year-old must feel broken the same way as a gay teen must feel broken, mainly because of bullying.

Its s little more detailed but yes basically this. And the bullying comes from what feels absolutely everyone

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Skullery Maid

I guess an asexual 14-year-old must feel broken the same way as a gay teen must feel broken, mainly because of bullying. I'm talking about extreme cases that said.

But you guys. I WAS a gay teen. In Green Bay freakin' Wisconsin. In the mid-90's.

I wasn't bullied.

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Rising Sun

If the kid has a fragile mind, bullying can only have a devastating effect.

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Snao Cone

I guess an asexual 14-year-old must feel broken the same way as a gay teen must feel broken, mainly because of bullying. I'm talking about extreme cases that said.

But you guys. I WAS a gay teen. In Green Bay freakin' Wisconsin. In the mid-90's.

I wasn't bullied.

Bullying can vary immensely by school or even grade within a school. It takes only one or two toxic people to turn everyone into bullies or accomplices.

I wasn't bullied either, but I can imagine many, many other kids in nearly identical situations were.

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Skullery Maid

I guess an asexual 14-year-old must feel broken the same way as a gay teen must feel broken, mainly because of bullying. I'm talking about extreme cases that said.

But you guys. I WAS a gay teen. In Green Bay freakin' Wisconsin. In the mid-90's.

I wasn't bullied.

Bullying can vary immensely by school or even grade within a school. It takes only one or two toxic people to turn everyone into bullies or accomplices.

I wasn't bullied either, but I can imagine many, many other kids in nearly identical situations were.

Tons and tons of studies have shown that what separates bullied kids from non-bullied kids is social skills. Recognizing irritation and anger in others, responding appropriately, not being overly defensive, etc. It's honestly not only because of orientations, etc. I mean, not liking or understanding sex jokes, per Jade above, isn't an asexual thing... I don't really see how that constitutes asexual bullying, tbh. I mean, I had the exact same experience, as I'm sure lots and lots of straight and gay and pansexual people did... so is it asexual bullying when the person ends up being asexual, heterosexual bullying when the person ends up straight, etc?

Don't get me wrong, I had that wonderful experience that all girls have, where all of my friends turned against me and I was a social pariah without any friends, sitting at home on Friday night... that's when I learned about the wonderful world of internet friends...

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Telecaster68

Male, straight, white, nerdy, bullied by girls. Easy explanation: I had victim written all over me, in my manner and behaviour, and they were bitches from hell.

And this was years before the internet. I had books and a guitar.

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Rising Sun

It depends on the place IMO. When I was a teen, I lived in the French countryside in the 1990s. In such a conservative setting, any kid who didn't seem "normal" became a target. I learned later that other kids were bullied to death in that school (the principal was even sued if my memory is good).

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Jade Cross

I guess an asexual 14-year-old must feel broken the same way as a gay teen must feel broken, mainly because of bullying. I'm talking about extreme cases that said.

But you guys. I WAS a gay teen. In Green Bay freakin' Wisconsin. In the mid-90's.

I wasn't bullied.

Bullying can vary immensely by school or even grade within a school. It takes only one or two toxic people to turn everyone into bullies or accomplices.

I wasn't bullied either, but I can imagine many, many other kids in nearly identical situations were.

Tons and tons of studies have shown that what separates bullied kids from non-bullied kids is social skills. Recognizing irritation and anger in others, responding appropriately, not being overly defensive, etc. It's honestly not only because of orientations, etc. I mean, not liking or understanding sex jokes, per Jade above, isn't an asexual thing... I don't really see how that constitutes asexual bullying, tbh. I mean, I had the exact same experience, as I'm sure lots and lots of straight and gay and pansexual people did... so is it asexual bullying when the person ends up being asexual, heterosexual bullying when the person ends up straight, etc?

Don't get me wrong, I had that wonderful experience that all girls have, where all of my friends turned against me and I was a social pariah without any friends, sitting at home on Friday night... that's when I learned about the wonderful world of internet friends...

It isnt asexual bullying (partly because most people dont even know what asexuality is) but its the same type of bullying as a nerd kid gets from the cool kids. Basically not being like them generates it.

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One Winged Angel

School bullying did not actually have a negative effect on me personally. I was indeed the victim of bullying from certain students, but this was nothing to do with a sexual orientation. I beleive it was simply that I was "not as they are" in a whole range of different ways, and they knew it. A particularly unpleasant bully was stopped one day when I had enough, turned around and punched him. Hard. After that, they never really bothered.

The thing is, and this is most likely a personal thing with me, this "bullying" did not damage me emotionally. In fact, it made me realise from a young age how stupid any form of herd mentality is, and how 'official' doctrine (the schools 'anti bullying campaign') is not to be taken as truth.

With regards to Asexuality, it was not known to me during my school years. It was assumed that I was heterosexual, as is the case in a conservative school in the 90's, and not very much was said about it one way or the other.

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Snao Cone

That doesn't account for trackable harassment like verbal abuse on social media or being the target of malicious rumours. Bullying behaviour isn't created by the target. Sometimes perceptions of bullying or conflict that escalates into bullying can be related to social skills, but if a kid who expresses severe bullying behaviour needs a target, they'll find one with whatever justification they can use. A perceived lack of heterosexuality is a convenient excuse to pick on an easy target.

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Telecaster68

"if a kid who expresses severe bullying behaviour needs a target, they'll find one with whatever justification they can use."

Yeah and the one they'll go for is likely to be the one with crap social skills.

I read my teenage self between the lines of so many of t'youngsters posts on here. Nerdy, socially terrified, clueless about any kind of intimacy, oblivious to sexual advances.

Only difference is I was horny as fuck,as well.

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Skullery Maid

Some gay kids are bullied and some aren't. This isn't due entirely to the bullies' personalities, but also the bullied. That doesn't make the bullied kids "to blame", but it's equally incorrect to suggest that bullied kids' traits don't come into play.

"if a kid who expresses severe bullying behaviour needs a target, they'll find one with whatever justification they can use."

Yeah and the one they'll go for is likely to be the one with crap social skills.

Yeah that. :)

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Serran

I didn't go to school, so I have no knowledge of school interactions/popular groups/non-popular groups...

The people who called me a liar for not liking the "sexy" guys over "ugly guys" were adults, mostly. My parents included. Add to that all my peers were going gaga over Nsync and BSB, my mom would be buying the wrong CDs cause she saw a hot guy in tight jeans on the cover and got distracted... I felt extremely odd to not understand attraction based on looks. And I was told how odd, how impossible it was and how I HAD to be lying if I said I didn't feel what they felt. So, I over compensated to be normal, by putting up posters and buying magazines and I would just stare at them like "OK. Everyone adores this guy. Why is that. I mean, he looks kinda like he has a kind smile... he's really nice to his parents... but I really don't think that's it." So, I started reading fanfiction, which was all sex based, to try to figure out what was so appealing about "hot guys". And it all revolved around sex. I still didn't get it. But, I pretended to be all gaga goo goo crazy to seem normal. I did like some of their songs, hey, I was 13.

At 14, I was friends with a bunch of nerds. We liked games, we liked computers, ages were all over the place, 13-25. They started talking about masturbation and stuff one day, said "everyone does it", I was like "Uhh, not everyone..." From that moment on, they all pushed me to try it, cause everyone loves it so you have to try it! I had no interest. I was told how weird that was. I didn't watch porn, didn't want to see it. Was told how weird that was. Talked to some adults, got told by them how weird it was. Gave in and tried it, didn't like it. Got told how weird THAT was.

Move on to my first boyfriend. He is 18, I am 15. He has sexual experience and I do not. He was totally willing to be respectful and wait and not push. However, everyone from all sides, of all ages, tell me how much boys his age are into sex. My mom gives me lingerie, while telling me it's best to wait, while also telling me that waiting too long means guys will cheat on you. Everyone of our mutual friends, up to the 30+ year olds, are talking about temptation and how hot it is when it's new. I'm getting advice from various people of various ages and genders to watch porn and touch myself to figure out what I like, so I can tell him how to please me. First six months, I can't do it. I get told by everyone how much of a tease I am, how he must be getting tired, etc. He's being a total sweetheart, never even asking. But, every other human being is pressuring.

Finally end up doing it... and then everyone wants to talk to me about how awesome it is, wasn't it? It's this amazing thing. You're now introduced to God's gift to humankind, the amazing world of sex. And... meh. My cousin got married and she wants to gush about how awesome her wedding night was, how amazing her husband was, how she bled and it was so cool. People are going on like it's all I will want to do. And my reaction was "Meh". So, I talk to a few people ... and they say I just haven't figured out what I like yet, keep trying. Try new things. And push porn and masturbation again as ways to figure out what I like. Not my peers, adults. My peers just want to rave about how awesome they consider sex and how it's the best thing in the world. None of them are virgins.

The only adults that think sex was meh are my grandmother and my mother actually doesn't like it. However, they both are rather man-hating and have extreme trauma from their past. So, in my head, I am thinking "the only people who dislike sex are multiple instance trauma victims who never got over it... OK... that's totally not normal..."

And cue four long, long years of determination to "get over" whatever "block" was preventing me from liking sex. And doing a lot of stuff I kinda wish I could take back.

Edit: Ah, yeah, there was also the religious groups. People getting married after dating for 6 months at 16-18 cause they wanted to have sex so bad they couldn't wait. People being shunned and no longer welcome around parts of my family cause they gave in to temptation (you get kicked out of my family's religion for having sex before marriage, then you are a "sinner" that will "lead astray" the "believers" so you aren't welcome as a friend anymore). Being told how hard it was to NOT have sex.

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Rising Sun

A perceived lack of heterosexuality is a convenient excuse to pick on an easy target.

This, and gender nonconformity too. Now that I think about it, it's certainly one of the situations that statistically must lead to bullying the most.

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