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Telecaster68

Asexuals, how long do you think sex takes? (TMI)

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Serran
I never went out drinking much less with any intention of looking for sex.

The only alcohol I ever tasted was at home, alone and expecting to feel the inhibiting factor that would grant that alledged "fun" feeling that people and a friend at the time raved about so much. I didnt feel any different after trying it (unless you consider feeling stupid for doing it, in which case yes, I felt pretty damn stupid for trying it)

A lot of stuff people find great is pretty disappointing. I don't drink or anything either. No biggie. Some are into it, some aren't. Some find it helps sex be easier, some don't. People have a bad habit of thinking their experiences will be yours.

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Jade Cross

Well, don't let anyone tell you that you're missing out because you don't drink or don't have sex or don't combine the two. You have treated yourself well by not following bad advice from people who don't know you. :)

And really, why would you need to do this all yourself if you have fellow AVENites to tell you all their stories :D

Feelings of being a freak fed by pretty much all the peers in school, parents, or just general society (after all, you dont see "Dont drink" commercials, excluding the cop ones but thats just to warn you of legal trouble if you get caught, not promoting that not drinking is a good thing if you have no desire for it) will do that. And you hear tiresome amounts of studies, all which pretty much consider any person who doesnt have sex or even seek it to be "psychologically suffering" hell even when I went to therapy and in psychology class, the mention of a person consciously never wanting sex only generated laughters and comments of ridicule.

I think Pan mentioned having felt like a freak because she did not enjoy sex.

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Serran

Well, don't let anyone tell you that you're missing out because you don't drink or don't have sex or don't combine the two. You have treated yourself well by not following bad advice from people who don't know you. :)

And really, why would you need to do this all yourself if you have fellow AVENites to tell you all their stories :D

Feelings of being a freak fed by pretty much all the peers in school, parents, or just general society (after all, you dont see "Dont drink" commercials, excluding the cop ones but thats just to warn you of legal trouble if you get caught, not promoting that not drinking is a good thing if you have no desire for it) will do that. And you hear tiresome amounts of studies, all which pretty much consider any person who doesnt have sex or even seek it to be "psychologically suffering" hell even when I went to therapy and in psychology class, the mention of a person consciously never wanting sex only generated laughters and comments of ridicule.

I think Pan mentioned having felt like a freak because she did not enjoy sex.

Yep. I felt like a pretty broken freak too. Hence all the experimenting to find that trigger to make me "normal". And I swear not drinking makes me more of a freak to people than not wanting sex. But, that's just cause people suck and can't think outside their own boxes. Don't listen to them. :D

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Autumn Season

.... That vacuum bed though. Brr!

I sometimes like reading romantic stories which include people having sex. Because the characters spend lots of time before and after the act with sexual activities, I used to think that sex takes a lot of time. Then when I heard 15min is average, I was disappointed. "How do you build up the romantic atmosphere in such a short time?!"

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Jade Cross

.... That vacuum bed though. Brr!

I sometimes like reading romantic stories which include people having sex. Because the characters spend lots of time before and after the act with sexual activities, I used to think that sex takes a lot of time. Then when I heard 15min is average, I was disappointed. "How do you build up the romantic atmosphere in such a short time?!"

I dont want to mention the argument (Im gonna call them box people) say because its going to make me sound sexist.

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Serran

.... That vacuum bed though. Brr!

I sometimes like reading romantic stories which include people having sex. Because the characters spend lots of time before and after the act with sexual activities, I used to think that sex takes a lot of time. Then when I heard 15min is average, I was disappointed. "How do you build up the romantic atmosphere in such a short time?!"

I dont want to mention the argument (Im gonna call them box people) say because its going to make me sound sexist.

Wouldn't saying what other people say merely make them sound sexist?

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Jade Cross

.... That vacuum bed though. Brr!

I sometimes like reading romantic stories which include people having sex. Because the characters spend lots of time before and after the act with sexual activities, I used to think that sex takes a lot of time. Then when I heard 15min is average, I was disappointed. "How do you build up the romantic atmosphere in such a short time?!"

I dont want to mention the argument (Im gonna call them box people) say because its going to make me sound sexist.

Wouldn't saying what other people say merely make them sound sexist?

Maybe, but its still going to leave a bad taste for me.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

Well, don't let anyone tell you that you're missing out because you don't drink or don't have sex or don't combine the two. You have treated yourself well by not following bad advice from people who don't know you. :)

And really, why would you need to do this all yourself if you have fellow AVENites to tell you all their stories :D

Feelings of being a freak fed by pretty much all the peers in school, parents, or just general society (after all, you dont see "Dont drink" commercials, excluding the cop ones but thats just to warn you of legal trouble if you get caught, not promoting that not drinking is a good thing if you have no desire for it) will do that. And you hear tiresome amounts of studies, all which pretty much consider any person who doesnt have sex or even seek it to be "psychologically suffering" hell even when I went to therapy and in psychology class, the mention of a person consciously never wanting sex only generated laughters and comments of ridicule.

I think Pan mentioned having felt like a freak because she did not enjoy sex.

I was only just reading an article before about long-term relationships, which was good until the writer said ''sex is the most vitally important aspect of a relationship because it binds you both, it brings you close together.... without it, you are missing a vitally important and key aspect of intimacy so you must make time for sex, no matter how busy you are''.. Reading that sort of thing before I knew about asexuality (when I thought I was the only person ''like me'') would throw me into a deep depression, because I always knew I am capable of long-term, committed love, I desire that with all my heart (having one person I can love forever) but I felt I would either have to be alone forever (who wants to love someone who cannot enjoy sex, even if they give it... whats the point if they can't enjoy it?) OR find a partner who is paralyzed (man or woman) or has been castrated or whose genitals don't work or something (sorry I know all that sounds really bad) ... and yeah, I just hated myself. loathed myself for being broken... This was after I came out of 5 years of denial, where I would drink all day every day so I could ''cope'' with sex. I forced myself to have it, would even put myself in extremely dangerous situations to have it, and just drank and drank and drank... all day, every day. I was hoping I'd find something that worked (like Serran said she tried to, just in a different way) and then I could be a normal person, just like everyone else who loves having sex, and I'd be able to ''truly make a partner happy'' (yes I roll my eyes at how naive and foolish I was)

It wasn't until two years after I left my hypersexual ex (and had finally come to terms with the fact that I would have to be alone forever) that I learned about asexuality from a short clip on an NZ current affairs show... I cried because I was so relieved, I still cry now some days because of it hah. I'm not broken, I just have no interest in having sex and that's absolutely fine, and there are millions of other people out there in the world who feel the same ^_^

Reading what I did this morning (about sex being a vital part of a healthy relationship) I still felt a little sad... like things could be so much easier if I was ''normal'' ..but it doesn't upset me and make me hate myself the way that sort of thing used to.

Sorry that was so off topic :o

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Hobbes!

I don't think this thread has been on topic for about four pages now

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Skullery Maid

So, guys, how do you counteract the feeling broken thing? No one should have to feel broken or missing out or like a freak. :(

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HeartBreakerA

Can we agree that sex has to set length of time? :D

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Telecaster68

Can we not use 'length' as an attribute please? Some pandimensional beings can't get behind it.

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Snao Cone

So, guys, how do you counteract the feeling broken thing? No one should have to feel broken or missing out or like a freak. :(

More talk and awareness about asexuality is probably a big step.

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HeartBreakerA

I am a freak and broken and many other things. It would take a lifetime to express who I am :D

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Skullery Maid

So, guys, how do you counteract the feeling broken thing? No one should have to feel broken or missing out or like a freak. :(

More talk and awareness about asexuality is probably a big step.

The ladyfriend knows about asexuality and knows that lots of people don't really care about sex, but she still feels pretty messed up about it. Probs that has more to do with me than herself, though. :/

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Serran

So, guys, how do you counteract the feeling broken thing? No one should have to feel broken or missing out or like a freak. :(

It's tough sometimes. Silly things can trigger it. Like, that scene in movies/tv where the couple finalizes their love and it's this big to-do sex scene where they just adore each other afterwards, but were kinda luke-warm before. Or, where they break up cause some horrible thing would happen if they had sex and even though they love each other, are happy together and one doesn't want to leave the other, the one that can't have sex refuses to be cruel to the other and forces a breakup. Sometimes, even talking to people on here can trigger it. People who are ace-ace but still really enjoy and bond over sexual activity together. It can make me feel really sad, like I am just totally broken and can't fit in anywhere, or shouldn't be trying to form relationships with humans. Even people who identify as asexual.

What helps for me is being able to talk to people who can at least kinda get it. Other people who feel "other". Some days I just need to be totally away from humans and let things that bug me stay off my radar. Watch a sappy love story where all they do is kiss, pretend nothing more than that would be wanted. Eat junk food. Ya know, kinda treat it like a stereotypical chick breakup from a romcom, but instead of a breakup, it's that feeling totally left out feeling I'm trying to get over. And then other days, I just embrace the freak and to Hades with all the other people. Depends on my mood.

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HeartBreakerA

So, guys, how do you counteract the feeling broken thing? No one should have to feel broken or missing out or like a freak. :(

More talk and awareness about asexuality is probably a big step.

The ladyfriend knows about asexuality and knows that lots of people don't really care about sex, but she still feels pretty messed up about it. Probs that has more to do with me than herself, though. :/

We have no control over others. We can not change how they feel and the sort.

What has happened with me ... Love can be as strong as it can be but reality will take it down little by little. The little things become the things that keep us up all night. Unable to sleep due to those little things. While others can ignore those little things and just move on. I can be heart broken and emotionally out of it. But I know that it is for the best. People will always find others. I shall be left to my closet and myself. Nothing more nothing less. Each night I sleep and hold my neck. It reminds me a less painful time. I just hold onto my bed. I know that hurt will not last much longer. I know that the other people will be much happier and find her way home[to become who she really wants to be]. I will sit and listen for owls. The romantic story has ended like it always has before. Maybe this time I will just stop.

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Jade Cross

Well, don't let anyone tell you that you're missing out because you don't drink or don't have sex or don't combine the two. You have treated yourself well by not following bad advice from people who don't know you. :)

And really, why would you need to do this all yourself if you have fellow AVENites to tell you all their stories :D

Feelings of being a freak fed by pretty much all the peers in school, parents, or just general society (after all, you dont see "Dont drink" commercials, excluding the cop ones but thats just to warn you of legal trouble if you get caught, not promoting that not drinking is a good thing if you have no desire for it) will do that. And you hear tiresome amounts of studies, all which pretty much consider any person who doesnt have sex or even seek it to be "psychologically suffering" hell even when I went to therapy and in psychology class, the mention of a person consciously never wanting sex only generated laughters and comments of ridicule.

I think Pan mentioned having felt like a freak because she did not enjoy sex.

I was only just reading an article before about long-term relationships, which was good until the writer said ''sex is the most vitally important aspect of a relationship because it binds you both, it brings you close together.... without it, you are missing a vitally important and key aspect of intimacy so you must make time for sex, no matter how busy you are''.. Reading that sort of thing before I knew about asexuality (when I thought I was the only person ''like me'') would throw me into a deep depression, because I always knew I am capable of long-term, committed love, I desire that with all my heart (having one person I can love forever) but I felt I would either have to be alone forever (who wants to love someone who cannot enjoy sex, even if they give it... whats the point if they can't enjoy it?) OR find a partner who is paralyzed (man or woman) or has been castrated or whose genitals don't work or something (sorry I know all that sounds really bad) ... and yeah, I just hated myself. loathed myself for being broken... This was after I came out of 5 years of denial, where I would drink all day every day so I could ''cope'' with sex. I forced myself to have it, would even put myself in extremely dangerous situations to have it, and just drank and drank and drank... all day, every day. I was hoping I'd find something that worked (like Serran said she tried to, just in a different way) and then I could be a normal person, just like everyone else who loves having sex, and I'd be able to ''truly make a partner happy'' (yes I roll my eyes at how naive and foolish I was)

It wasn't until two years after I left my hypersexual ex (and had finally come to terms with the fact that I would have to be alone forever) that I learned about asexuality from a short clip on an NZ current affairs show... I cried because I was so relieved, I still cry now some days because of it hah. I'm not broken, I just have no interest in having sex and that's absolutely fine, and there are millions of other people out there in the world who feel the same ^_^

Reading what I did this morning (about sex being a vital part of a healthy relationship) I still felt a little sad... like things could be so much easier if I was ''normal'' ..but it doesn't upset me and make me hate myself the way that sort of thing used to.

Sorry that was so off topic :o

If I had a desire for love there would have been a strong possibility that I would have done the same thing.

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Snao Cone

I guess maybe feeling broken in so many other ways and sex/relationships being in the backseat makes my meltdowns less focused on this aspect :unsure: Out of all the things "wrong" with me, my sexuality doesn't seem significant.

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Anthracite_Impreza

So, guys, how do you counteract the feeling broken thing? No one should have to feel broken or missing out or like a freak. :(

By being an aromantic asexual with no interest in humans other than the occasional friend, and also holding the belief that it's the sexuals who are the weird ones with their strange, unhygienic rituals ;)

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Skullery Maid

So, guys, how do you counteract the feeling broken thing? No one should have to feel broken or missing out or like a freak. :(

It's tough sometimes. Silly things can trigger it. Like, that scene in movies/tv where the couple finalizes their love and it's this big to-do sex scene where they just adore each other afterwards, but were kinda luke-warm before. Or, where they break up cause some horrible thing would happen if they had sex and even though they love each other, are happy together and one doesn't want to leave the other, the one that can't have sex refuses to be cruel to the other and forces a breakup. Sometimes, even talking to people on here can trigger it. People who are ace-ace but still really enjoy and bond over sexual activity together. It can make me feel really sad, like I am just totally broken and can't fit in anywhere, or shouldn't be trying to form relationships with humans. Even people who identify as asexual.

Yeah, that's exactly the stuff i was thinking of, so I'm glad I'm not totally off-base. Like, no matter how much you know that not everyone has to like sex, it doesn't change that fact that most people do, and there's this experience that you don't have, that unfortunately impacts your relationships - against your will - with people you love. It's not the same as being gay, because gay people can just date each other and have the same experiences as straight people. It's different with asexuality... and although it's nowhere near as important to me as it is to you guys, it'd be nice if there were... I don't know what... more resources (media, like books/tv/etc, and physical spaces to assemble)... something to help. In some ways I think the aros are much luckier than the romantic aces, and that's the part that makes me really sad. I mean, of course I think that people should chill out about wanting sex... but then, when it's so easily attainable for us, it's a pretty hard argument to make convincingly for a lot of people.

I'm rambling. I still feel bad about the other thread but I just really believe the labels make things worse... in particular by bringing in a thousand more people who actually do have and enjoy sex, thereby further ostracizing the asexuals who really need community. I dunno. #selfservingnonsense

EDIT: lol I typed too long and the aromantics ninja'd me!

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tase

I really never feel broken,

but feel paralyzingly inadequate after reading this thread

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Snao Cone

Now I'm thinking I should make another thread about a bummer thought I just had but I don't know where it would go :unsure: It's kinda related to this feeling-broken thing, I guess, but more personal and leaning towards why I told myself I wasn't having sex. I don't know where to put that, though... :unsure:

:unsure: :unsure: :unsure: <-- this is me right now and me forever

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Skullery Maid

Put it here! SPFA is small and friendly-like :)

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Snao Cone

I think the scope of it is too general. And we've completely derailed poor Telecaster's thread :P

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Blakrana

So, guys, how do you counteract the feeling broken thing? No one should have to feel broken or missing out or like a freak. :(

Admittedly for the most part, I avoided thinking about my discomfort too much as it was only relevant in context of a relationship...and I'd always maintained I wasn't worth anyone's time of day for that. Really, it just served to more back up my self-view than unhinge it when I did have cause to consider it with people. So in a way...I dealt with the whole thing by just not having high self-esteem in the first place.

Can't go lower than rock bottom.

Although it's not really an approach I can recommend. It's just all I had to work with really.

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Skullery Maid

I keep looking for this new thread, SC...

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Snao Cone

I'm taking my time :P

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Rising Sun

So, guys, how do you counteract the feeling broken thing? No one should have to feel broken or missing out or like a freak. :(

Simple. I just do whatever makes me feel happy. I don't do anything that makes me feel uncomfortable or that would hurt, because it's unhealthy.

Now, very personal stuff... Even when I was 4 or 5, I already noticed that there was something weird about me (which I learned later by my neurologist was my autistic-like neurodevelopmental disability), other kids called me a freak and much worse, even my own "family" did, I wanted to kill myself but my survival instinct became stronger and stronger, and I eventually became strong. I understood that nothing was broken in me as I was too strong to be those people's victim. I'm too resilient to be broken. I've become proud because I'm alive.

The counterpart is sometimes feeling lonely, but for the last 5 years I've lived the worst and the best moments with a very special person.

How could I be broken. If no one breaks me, I can't be broken. "Being born broken" is a legend that others who hurt you want you to believe.

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Skullery Maid

If no one breaks me, I can't be broken. "Being born broken" is a legend that others who hurt you want you to believe.

I'm kind of in love with this.

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