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Telecaster68

Asexuals, how long do you think sex takes? (TMI)

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Jade Cross

Ok. Im feeling better now. Apologies for the earlier outbust. Im really glad to have stumbled upon this site and eslecially this thread. What has been discussed in just a few posts has literraly turned upside down what I have been told sex is from day 1.

It has made it feel like something that is not the mandatory "you must do it", scorn inducing if you didnt comply activity that I was fed. And it actually gives this whole thing a new more clear meaning that I feel I can coincide with creating a sense of peace.

So thanks to you guys all.

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Sally

I know how long it can take from experience: ENTIRELY TOO LONG! :P

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m4rble

It seems to me, but that's just me right, YMMV, whatever, IDK, that asexuals who are tolerating it - even with good grace and attempts at enthusiasm - basically want it to be over, so there's as little of the nonPIV as they can manage. Haha *shrugs*

When I'm reading through the Aven forums I can hear each poster with a somewhat distinctive voice inside of my head. This post seems very out of character and I can almost feel the sarcasm dripping off of it. There are so many arguments about stylistic posting choices but I think that often a style has as much to do with personality and natural inclinations as it does with conscious intent.

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nanogretchen4

About 80% of the times I want to have sex I don't particularly want to have an orgasm. If I am going to have an orgasm I prefer to get my own orgasm out of the way at the beginning. This involves either a vibrator (five to ten minutes) or touching my own clitoris while also being touched by my partner (twenty to forty minutes, but fun). The afterglow lasts around three hours and really increases my interest in whatever other sexual or sensual activities may be on the schedule. So I like to have sex backwards, basically.

I've had two longterm relationships with males and two with females. One man was in his 40's. PiV frequently took about forty minutes. If I did it more than once a week there were chafing issues. Fortunately he was always happy to receive oral sex which was very fun for me. That took closer to ten minutes. I'm not sure whether he wasn't all that into PiV or whether he thought it was supposed to last that long.

The other male was in his early twenties and mostly gay. Perhaps surprisingly PiV was his favorite activity. It lasted about five minutes but the refractory period was barely a thing so we'd do it two or three times.

One of my girlfriends was a pillow princess, and that is not a complaint. She didn't offer to reciprocate and I didn't ask. Actual sex usually took around twenty minutes with a lot of cuddling both before and after.

My other girlfriend always wanted to reciprocate and I tried to be cooperative but I usually wasn't very into that part. Sex took about an hour and a half, which was a big enough time commitment to limit the frequency.

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m4rble

I've a memoir where the author says she was in (lesbian) sex sessions that could last for 8+ hours. I've also heard some people claim they could do a quickie in two minutes(they were gay men, if that's at all relevant). The range is rather expansive.

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Telecaster68

It seems to me, but that's just me right, YMMV, whatever, IDK, that asexuals who are tolerating it - even with good grace and attempts at enthusiasm - basically want it to be over, so there's as little of the nonPIV as they can manage. Haha *shrugs*

I suppose that you could be raising a valid point, Monsieur Telecaster, but it could theoretically depend on the sensual activities that may be catered to the enjoyment of a person of the asexual persuasion. It is indeed perceivable that an asexual individual might still like arm- and body-based activities that can be partaken in by their semi-clothed lonesome, or practiced post-coitus in the nude. If the act was performed in the long-standing traditional environment of one's resting chamber, the acts of, dare I use the terms, "cuddling" or "spooning" may be most practically held in the same place immediately following in the same state of undress, as it were, with the additional intimacy of sharing such a sacred space between the duvet and the mattress upon which one sleeps. Sir.

It's basically what Sally pointed out to me once.

It seems to me, but that's just me right, YMMV, whatever, IDK, that asexuals who are tolerating it - even with good grace and attempts at enthusiasm - basically want it to be over, so there's as little of the nonPIV as they can manage. Haha *shrugs*

When I'm reading through the Aven forums I can hear each poster with a somewhat distinctive voice inside of my head. This post seems very out of character and I can almost feel the sarcasm dripping off of it. There are so many arguments about stylistic posting choices but I think that often a style has as much to do with personality and natural inclinations as it does with conscious intent.
Oh FFS.

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m4rble

It seems to me, but that's just me right, YMMV, whatever, IDK, that asexuals who are tolerating it - even with good grace and attempts at enthusiasm - basically want it to be over, so there's as little of the nonPIV as they can manage. Haha *shrugs*

When I'm reading through the Aven forums I can hear each poster with a somewhat distinctive voice inside of my head. This post seems very out of character and I can almost feel the sarcasm dripping off of it. There are so many arguments about stylistic posting choices but I think that often a style has as much to do with personality and natural inclinations as it does with conscious intent.

Oh FFS.

There, that's the Telecaster tone I was looking for! :P

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

It seems to me, but that's just me right, YMMV, whatever, IDK, that asexuals who are tolerating it - even with good grace and attempts at enthusiasm - basically want it to be over, so there's as little of the nonPIV as they can manage. Haha *shrugs*

Haven't finished reading all the comments yet but had to reply..

For me I always tried to make it as little PIV as possible (by extending me giving oral as long as possible - to me oral counts as sex, the thing is all my partner ever really wanted was to give me oral -which I hate, and stick his penis in me, which I dislike even more) BUT... I don't understand why EVERYONE (even Skullery in reference to non-PIV) has to keep bringing PIIV up like PIV is the basis for something??? Like, what people measure experience against or.. something?

When I say sex, I personally mean any genital stimulation of either partner, so I mean oral, fingering, toys, anal, and yeah PIV if that's happening.

..Anyway, while Tele seemed to originally be baffled by asexuals ideas of how long sex should ''normally'' take, I believe no one who hasn't had a lot of sex would really have any reasonable idea of how long it's meant to take ''normally'' - I notice Tar is saying it should take quite a long time, but maybe if he ever started having a lot of sex with a lot of people, he would realize some sexual people (women or men) can have it over happily in 10-30 mins and don't want it to be longer than that, while others do enjoy dragging it out. Just because one has a personal preference for how long sex should take, doesn't mean that's how long sex ''averagely'' takes.

While Tele was baffled by asexuals ideas of the duration of sexual activity, what I am baffled by is why almost everyone (sexual as well as ace) seem to keep mentioning PIV as the basis for something, or the ''main point'' or whatever. I have probably had sex with more people than anyone in this thread (not bragging, just being honest) and while PIV is my least favorite part of sex, even for hetero men it often isn't the most important part of sex.. PIV is just one specific type of sex (that plenty of people aren't even that fussed on) nothing more and nothing less.

And believe me, how long it takes averagely literally depends on both the partners involved, whether or not you want to include foreplay (i do not include oral as part of foreplay and I believe people that do include it are incorrect) as part of sex. I also do not include foreplay as part of sex because I could do that (foreplay) with my asexual a-fuck buddy (hah) happily for hours, even though we'd never actually have sex (our genitals wouldn't become involved) regardless of whether or not arousal happens as a biological reaction to the activities we are doing, as two people with active libidos .... So if foreplay counted as sex, we would both be raging horny sexuals..... even though we'd never actually have sex... (EDIT each others genitals wouldn't become involved)

I hope that made sense, I had like two hours sleep so my brain isn't working entirely efficiently :o

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skullery

Yeah, the foreplay vs sex thing is a tricky wicket. What tends to happen for me, anyway, is that if we're cuddling and kissing and touching, and that leads to sex, then all the cuddling, kissing, and touching gets rolled into my conception of the sex we just had. So if we had just finished fucking and then someone was like "dang, how long was that anyway?", I'd scale back to whenever we first got physically close and/or started kissing.

But if we cuddled and kissed and touched and then didn't end up having sex, then none of that would be considered sex in my head... I'd conceive of that as "fooling around" or something to that extent. It's still sexual, in a sense, but not sex, not in any sense.

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timewarp

While Tele was baffled by asexuals ideas of the duration of sexual activity, what I am baffled by is why almost everyone (sexual as well as ace) seem to keep mentioning PIV as the basis for something, or the ''main point'' or whatever. I have probably had sex with more people than anyone in this thread (not bragging, just being honest) and while PIV is my least favorite part of sex, even for hetero men it often isn't the most important part of sex.. PIV is just one specific type of sex (that plenty of people aren't even that fussed on) nothing more and nothing less.

I cannot speak for anybody else, but all of my attempts to have a relationship with an allosexual, except one, failed because of this, that's why from my experience it seems to be the main point.

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Serran

Hmm. Out of my four, ones focus was BDSM play, not any specific type of sex. Two were happy with pretty much any type of sexual behavior, but PiV was the main. And the other it depends on his mood. When he wants oral, he wants oral, nothing else. When he wants PiV, he wants PiV, nothing else. Etc. And pretty much has to have it all in order to be happy.

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Snao van der Cone

Yeah, the foreplay vs sex thing is a tricky wicket. What tends to happen for me, anyway, is that if we're cuddling and kissing and touching, and that leads to sex, then all the cuddling, kissing, and touching gets rolled into my conception of the sex we just had. So if we had just finished fucking and then someone was like "dang, how long was that anyway?", I'd scale back to whenever we first got physically close and/or started kissing.

But if we cuddled and kissed and touched and then didn't end up having sex, then none of that would be considered sex in my head... I'd conceive of that as "fooling around" or something to that extent. It's still sexual, in a sense, but not sex, not in any sense.

I kind of see it based on how you'd tell your buddies about it the next day. If your buddies asked "Did you have sex last night?" when you only cuddled and made out, you'd say "No, but we made out." If they asked that and you did have sex, you wouldn't say "Yes, but only after cuddling and making out." You'd say "Fuck yeah, broz, this guy got LAAAAIIIIIID!"

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skullery

Hahaha yes, exactly!

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

While Tele was baffled by asexuals ideas of the duration of sexual activity, what I am baffled by is why almost everyone (sexual as well as ace) seem to keep mentioning PIV as the basis for something, or the ''main point'' or whatever. I have probably had sex with more people than anyone in this thread (not bragging, just being honest) and while PIV is my least favorite part of sex, even for hetero men it often isn't the most important part of sex.. PIV is just one specific type of sex (that plenty of people aren't even that fussed on) nothing more and nothing less.

I cannot speak for anybody else, but all of my attempts to have a relationship with an allosexual, except one, failed because of this, that's why from my experience it seems to be the main point.

Yes and that is often the case for someone personally, I just mean people talking about sex in general, as overall concept, seem to base things around PIV. personal experience is different.. My own personal experience is that yeah, PIV is a dealbreaker for me pretty much, not gonna happen again. But that doesn't mean I'm going to go and say ''sex is all about PIV and for most people that lasts like 15 minutes'' or ''well PIV takes like 20 mins so yeah the average amount of time for sex is about 20 mins'' ... which is just a general assumption I see made on and off AVEN far too often: that ''sex'' is ''PIV'' or PIV is the main factor of sex or whatever. ''Sex'' isn't PIV, PIV is just a type of sex for some people and for many of those, not even the most important part. I'm probably just nitpicking though? lol.. it's just one of those things that always get to me :P

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Serran

While Tele was baffled by asexuals ideas of the duration of sexual activity, what I am baffled by is why almost everyone (sexual as well as ace) seem to keep mentioning PIV as the basis for something, or the ''main point'' or whatever. I have probably had sex with more people than anyone in this thread (not bragging, just being honest) and while PIV is my least favorite part of sex, even for hetero men it often isn't the most important part of sex.. PIV is just one specific type of sex (that plenty of people aren't even that fussed on) nothing more and nothing less.

I cannot speak for anybody else, but all of my attempts to have a relationship with an allosexual, except one, failed because of this, that's why from my experience it seems to be the main point.

Yes and that is often the case for someone personally, I just mean people talking about sex in general, as overall concept, seem to base things around PIV. personal experience is different.. My own personal experience is that yeah, PIV is a dealbreaker for me pretty much, not gonna happen again. But that doesn't mean I'm going to go and say ''sex is all about PIV and for most people that lasts like 15 minutes'' or ''well PIV takes like 20 mins so yeah the average amount of time for sex is about 20 mins'' ... which is just a general assumption I see made on and off AVEN far too often: that ''sex'' is ''PIV'' or PIV is the main factor of sex or whatever. ''Sex'' isn't PIV, PIV is just a type of sex for some people and for many of those, not even the most important part. I'm probably just nitpicking though? lol.. it's just one of those things that always get to me :P

I just kinda count the sex clock as starting when genitals come into play. Which is why I don't really count the kissing and all that. Whatever form the genitals come into play as.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

I just kinda count the sex clock as starting when genitals come into play. Which is why I don't really count the kissing and all that. Whatever form the genitals come into play as.

Yep same: Oral, fingering, anal, sex toys, whatever... once the genitals are involved then sexytime is on :p

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Tarfeather

Yeah, the foreplay vs sex thing is a tricky wicket. What tends to happen for me, anyway, is that if we're cuddling and kissing and touching, and that leads to sex, then all the cuddling, kissing, and touching gets rolled into my conception of the sex we just had. So if we had just finished fucking and then someone was like "dang, how long was that anyway?", I'd scale back to whenever we first got physically close and/or started kissing.

I think it does relate to actual biological processes. As I said earlier, it takes a while for me to get into the state to be able to have an orgasm, and the "fooling around" stuff could be part of what sets this process in motion. So since it's all part of one continuous biological process, it'd be weird to pick a point in time and say "from here on it's sex and before that it was something else".

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butterflydreams

Wow, I think this thread has actually reached the "more than I wanted to know" limit for me. Yikes. I thought it would be higher.

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Serran

Yeah, the foreplay vs sex thing is a tricky wicket. What tends to happen for me, anyway, is that if we're cuddling and kissing and touching, and that leads to sex, then all the cuddling, kissing, and touching gets rolled into my conception of the sex we just had. So if we had just finished fucking and then someone was like "dang, how long was that anyway?", I'd scale back to whenever we first got physically close and/or started kissing.

I think it does relate to actual biological processes. As I said earlier, it takes a while for me to get into the state to be able to have an orgasm, and the "fooling around" stuff could be part of what sets this process in motion. So since it's all part of one continuous biological process, it'd be weird to pick a point in time and say "from here on it's sex and before that it was something else".

Hrm. Most guys I have dated are ready to go the second I say go. See me in a tank top? They're ready. Parked outside a bowling alley ready to go in, they're ready... just hand down the pants a couple of minutes. So, it's hard for me to think of it as one long process that starts with kissing some of the time. I guess it makes sense to lump it together when it happens together. But, then, how do you determine what started it, if it's like... you make out at a bar, then have to go home, watch a movie a little bit together, go back to making out and then have sex. Their initial wanting sex sparked at the bar, would you start the clock there, or the second make out session or? :unsure:

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Snao van der Cone

Wow, I think this thread has actually reached the "more than I wanted to know" limit for me. Yikes. I thought it would be higher.

You're still a good sport, Hadley :P

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skullery

I'd start the timer at the first physical intimacy of a continued physical session that ultimately involved stimulating genitals. So, no, the making out at the bar doesn't count, but the kissing that leads to touching that leads to sex does count.

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Snao van der Cone

Yeah, the foreplay vs sex thing is a tricky wicket. What tends to happen for me, anyway, is that if we're cuddling and kissing and touching, and that leads to sex, then all the cuddling, kissing, and touching gets rolled into my conception of the sex we just had. So if we had just finished fucking and then someone was like "dang, how long was that anyway?", I'd scale back to whenever we first got physically close and/or started kissing.

I think it does relate to actual biological processes. As I said earlier, it takes a while for me to get into the state to be able to have an orgasm, and the "fooling around" stuff could be part of what sets this process in motion. So since it's all part of one continuous biological process, it'd be weird to pick a point in time and say "from here on it's sex and before that it was something else".

Hrm. Most guys I have dated are ready to go the second I say go. See me in a tank top? They're ready. Parked outside a bowling alley ready to go in, they're ready... just hand down the pants a couple of minutes. So, it's hard for me to think of it as one long process that starts with kissing some of the time. I guess it makes sense to lump it together when it happens together. But, then, how do you determine what started it, if it's like... you make out at a bar, then have to go home, watch a movie a little bit together, go back to making out and then have sex. Their initial wanting sex sparked at the bar, would you start the clock there, or the second make out session or? :unsure:

I don't think it matters if we have a consistent definition on when sex "starts" among levels of both physical and social foreplay, as long as we respect that the genital involvement is definitely sex.

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Snao van der Cone

I'd start the timer at the first physical intimacy of a continued physical session that ultimately involved stimulating genitals. So, no, the making out at the bar doesn't count, but the kissing that leads to touching that leads to sex does count.

What if you were already in bed and half naked and making out and definitely going to rip off another item of clothing, but you got a call from your boss that you had to take so you put it on pause to return to later? Oh yeah, that wouldn't be sex at all because the other person would have left :P

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Serran

I'd start the timer at the first physical intimacy of a continued physical session that ultimately involved stimulating genitals. So, no, the making out at the bar doesn't count, but the kissing that leads to touching that leads to sex does count.

Ok, so the second make out session then. Which would put my longest at around 2 hours... though I only ever really counted the 30 minutes of actual sex stuff going on. My brain kinda doesn't go to "sex" til the stuff I DON'T like comes in, like... touching my boobs, genitals etc haha Before that it's just "Yay, fun kissing" until it turns and then I am like "Oh, boo, sex just had to start" and that's when my brain kicks in a timer of "OK... been half an hour, are we done yet?" :lol:

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Snao van der Cone

"How long does sex take?" isn't quite the same as "How much of your time do you spend on sexual activity?" because people are probably going to only see the first question in terms of genitals and they're more likely to include making out and other foreplay in the second question.

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skullery

I'd start the timer at the first physical intimacy of a continued physical session that ultimately involved stimulating genitals. So, no, the making out at the bar doesn't count, but the kissing that leads to touching that leads to sex does count.

Ok, so the second make out session then. Which would put my longest at around 2 hours... though I only ever really counted the 30 minutes of actual sex stuff going on. My brain kinda doesn't go to "sex" til the stuff I DON'T like comes in, like... touching my boobs, genitals etc haha Before that it's just "Yay, fun kissing" until it turns and then I am like "Oh, boo, sex just had to start" and that's when my brain kicks in a timer of "OK... been half an hour, are we done yet?" :lol:

to be clear, this would be a retroactive timer... because yeah, while its happening I wouldn't be kissing and thinking "yeah dude this sex is great!". It's not til after sex has happened that the precursor activities get rolled into it.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

Hrm. Most guys I have dated are ready to go the second I say go. See me in a tank top? They're ready. Parked outside a bowling alley ready to go in, they're ready... just hand down the pants a couple of minutes. So, it's hard for me to think of it as one long process that starts with kissing some of the time. I guess it makes sense to lump it together when it happens together. But, then, how do you determine what started it, if it's like... you make out at a bar, then have to go home, watch a movie a little bit together, go back to making out and then have sex. Their initial wanting sex sparked at the bar, would you start the clock there, or the second make out session or? :unsure:

I think whatever you are doing (ie tongue-kissing and having your tits groped for example), if you are doing that with the intention of it leading to sex, then yeah that's sexual and a part of the sexual enjoyment. But if you're doing those same actions (tongue-kissing and having your tits groped) with absolutely no intention/expectation of it leading to sex (ie you are both asexual and have no intention of having sex, you just love tongue-kissing and touching each others bodies) then well, it's not sexual exactly. That's the difference to me. Whether the actions are meant as a lead-up to sex.

"How long does sex take?" isn't quite the same as "How much of your time do you spend on sexual activity?" because people are probably going to only see the first question in terms of genitals and they're more likely to include making out and other foreplay in the second question.

To me, the ''actual sex'' is once the genital stimulation starts (and that can take any amount of time depending on the partners involved). The sexual ''activity'' is the actions leading up to the partnered genital stimulation. And if there is no intention for it to lead to genital stimulation, then it's just heavy-petting as opposed to ''sexual activity''

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Serran

I'd start the timer at the first physical intimacy of a continued physical session that ultimately involved stimulating genitals. So, no, the making out at the bar doesn't count, but the kissing that leads to touching that leads to sex does count.

Ok, so the second make out session then. Which would put my longest at around 2 hours... though I only ever really counted the 30 minutes of actual sex stuff going on. My brain kinda doesn't go to "sex" til the stuff I DON'T like comes in, like... touching my boobs, genitals etc haha Before that it's just "Yay, fun kissing" until it turns and then I am like "Oh, boo, sex just had to start" and that's when my brain kicks in a timer of "OK... been half an hour, are we done yet?" :lol:

to be clear, this would be a retroactive timer... because yeah, while its happening I wouldn't be kissing and thinking "yeah dude this sex is great!". It's not til after sex has happened that the precursor activities get rolled into it.

This question has gotten extremely complicated.

"How long does sex take?" isn't quite the same as "How much of your time do you spend on sexual activity?" because people are probably going to only see the first question in terms of genitals and they're more likely to include making out and other foreplay in the second question.

It seems most the sexuals would count it all as "sex" once sex happened and the aces are the ones that are focused on the genital bits.

Hrm. Most guys I have dated are ready to go the second I say go. See me in a tank top? They're ready. Parked outside a bowling alley ready to go in, they're ready... just hand down the pants a couple of minutes. So, it's hard for me to think of it as one long process that starts with kissing some of the time. I guess it makes sense to lump it together when it happens together. But, then, how do you determine what started it, if it's like... you make out at a bar, then have to go home, watch a movie a little bit together, go back to making out and then have sex. Their initial wanting sex sparked at the bar, would you start the clock there, or the second make out session or? :unsure:

I think whatever you are doing (ie tongue-kissing and having your tits groped for example), if you are doing that with the intention of it leading to sex, then yeah that's sexual and a part of the sexual enjoyment. But if you're doing those same actions (tongue-kissing and having your tits groped) with absolutely no intention/expectation of it leading to sex (ie you are both asexual and have no intention of having sex, you just love tongue-kissing and touching each others bodies) then well, it's not sexual exactly. That's the difference to me. Whether the actions are meant as a lead-up to sex.

But, but... I don't know what their intentions are with any activity. My intentions are never to lead it to sex. :lol:

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nanogretchen4

I think if someone keeps looking at an actual timer while it's happening that person is probably asexual.

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Serran

I think if someone keeps looking at an actual timer while it's happening that person is probably asexual.

Haha. Guilty as charged? I actually used the stop watch on my tablet one week cause it just felt like it was taking forever....

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