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Telecaster68

Asexuals, how long do you think sex takes? (TMI)

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Serran

I wonder if part of the issue is what constitutes "sex"? I can't imagine from the first kiss to the final, exhausted roll back to your own side of the bed, lasting 20 minutes. How can you get anything done? It takes girls like 10ish minutes just to come, and it's not like after a peck on the lips you go right to the genitals... so for 2 girls to come at separate times, plus foreplay, plus taking breaks to be adorable... yeah, usually rounds up to about an hour.

Perhaps. I'm thinking... 40+ minutes of genital stimulation, like with my spouse. Not kissing, or playing around. It's 40+ minutes of hard work on his penis, with no breaks or anything. He can only tolerate kissing or something for a couple of minutes before he counts it as "teasing" and wants to "get to it".

What are we counting as foreplay? I generally only start watching the clock when sexual touch stuff starts happening. Not kissing and all that.

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Tarfeather

Longer than 15 minutes, not 45.. -_-

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Serran

Longer than 15 minutes, not 45.. -_-

Oh, ok. That makes more sense. :lol:

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Skullery Maid

I wonder if part of the issue is what constitutes "sex"? I can't imagine from the first kiss to the final, exhausted roll back to your own side of the bed, lasting 20 minutes. How can you get anything done? It takes girls like 10ish minutes just to come, and it's not like after a peck on the lips you go right to the genitals... so for 2 girls to come at separate times, plus foreplay, plus taking breaks to be adorable... yeah, usually rounds up to about an hour.

Perhaps. I'm thinking... 40+ minutes of genital stimulation, like with my spouse. Not kissing, or playing around. It's 40+ minutes of hard work on his penis, with no breaks or anything. He can only tolerate kissing or something for a couple of minutes before he counts it as "teasing" and wants to "get to it".

What are we counting as foreplay? I generally only start watching the clock when sexual touch stuff starts happening. Not kissing and all that.

Oh. Wow. Yeah I couldn't do that, no matter how into the person I was. I like lots of breaks. To each his own I guess!

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Serran

Oh. Wow. Yeah I couldn't do that, no matter how into the person I was. I like lots of breaks. To each his own I guess!

OK. So, you're counting in non-sexual touch stuff as well as the actual sex stuff? Then I can see the longer times. Especially if breaks happen. I've never been with someone that did breaks... maybe cause of it being with guys only? Generally it's once the penis is touched, don't stop touching til it's over. Or they complain. *shrug* If we're counting in kissing and all that ... erm, I guess my longest was two or so hours? Unless we're counting the initial make out session at the bar that started it, then, add an hour or so to it? :P

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Jade Cross

I cant even fathom 45 minutes. Even 10 seems too much. Id probably be bored to death 3 minutes in.

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Skullery Maid

Oh. Wow. Yeah I couldn't do that, no matter how into the person I was. I like lots of breaks. To each his own I guess!

OK. So, you're counting in non-sexual touch stuff as well as the actual sex stuff? Then I can see the longer times. Especially if breaks happen. I've never been with someone that did breaks... maybe cause of it being with guys only? Generally it's once the penis is touched, don't stop touching til it's over. Or they complain. *shrug* If we're counting in kissing and all that ... erm, I guess my longest was two or so hours? Unless we're counting the initial make out session at the bar that started it, then, add an hour or so to it? :P

yeah well i've been told having sex with me is an unusual experience. I like to have fun! and be chill! and connect with laughing and talking and playing while also connecting via sex. I get bored when it's just, like, "get me off". So sex will last like 1.5 hours but probably 45 of those minutes isn't actually sex... it's just... interspersed.

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Serran

Oh. Wow. Yeah I couldn't do that, no matter how into the person I was. I like lots of breaks. To each his own I guess!

OK. So, you're counting in non-sexual touch stuff as well as the actual sex stuff? Then I can see the longer times. Especially if breaks happen. I've never been with someone that did breaks... maybe cause of it being with guys only? Generally it's once the penis is touched, don't stop touching til it's over. Or they complain. *shrug* If we're counting in kissing and all that ... erm, I guess my longest was two or so hours? Unless we're counting the initial make out session at the bar that started it, then, add an hour or so to it? :P

yeah well i've been told having sex with me is an unusual experience. I like to have fun! and be chill! and connect with laughing and talking and playing while also connecting via sex. I get bored when it's just, like, "get me off".

That sounds like a more fun way of doing it. I'm usually less bored when something non-sex happens to make it funner. Like, the bird landing on my sexual partner's head and screaming "TURKEY!" at the top of his lungs. Or, my ex made the corniest jokes during sexy times ... one time during oral he grabbed his tea cup and took a sip, making it more British. Or, just anything to lighten the mood and make it less "We should focus on talking dirty and moaning and getting really into the mood". Give me joking, tickling or playing any day.

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Tarfeather

Oh. Wow. Yeah I couldn't do that, no matter how into the person I was. I like lots of breaks. To each his own I guess!

OK. So, you're counting in non-sexual touch stuff as well as the actual sex stuff? Then I can see the longer times. Especially if breaks happen. I've never been with someone that did breaks... maybe cause of it being with guys only? Generally it's once the penis is touched, don't stop touching til it's over. Or they complain. *shrug* If we're counting in kissing and all that ... erm, I guess my longest was two or so hours? Unless we're counting the initial make out session at the bar that started it, then, add an hour or so to it? :P

yeah well i've been told having sex with me is an unusual experience. I like to have fun! and be chill! and connect with laughing and talking and playing while also connecting via sex. I get bored when it's just, like, "get me off". So sex will last like 1.5 hours but probably 45 of those minutes isn't actually sex... it's just... interspersed.

Sex is supposed to be fun?! Does not compute. ~_~

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Jade Cross

Ok seriously, why isnt sex potrayed as this? Hearing you guys talk about in betweens in sex, joking, cuddling, if I had heard sex like this growing up, I probably wouldnt have such a deep level of adversion to it. Everything I ever heard was "you gotta fuck"

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Snao Cone

It seems to me, but that's just me right, YMMV, whatever, IDK, that asexuals who are tolerating it - even with good grace and attempts at enthusiasm - basically want it to be over, so there's as little of the nonPIV as they can manage. Haha *shrugs*

I suppose that you could be raising a valid point, Monsieur Telecaster, but it could theoretically depend on the sensual activities that may be catered to the enjoyment of a person of the asexual persuasion. It is indeed perceivable that an asexual individual might still like arm- and body-based activities that can be partaken in by their semi-clothed lonesome, or practiced post-coitus in the nude. If the act was performed in the long-standing traditional environment of one's resting chamber, the acts of, dare I use the terms, "cuddling" or "spooning" may be most practically held in the same place immediately following in the same state of undress, as it were, with the additional intimacy of sharing such a sacred space between the duvet and the mattress upon which one sleeps. Sir.

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Serran

Ok seriously, why isnt sex potrayed as this? Hearing you guys talk about in betweens in sex, joking, cuddling, if I had heard sex like this growing up, I probably wouldnt have such a deep level of adversion to it. Everything I ever heard was "you gotta fuck"

Only reason I don't have a deeper aversion to it is because my introduction to it was .. relaxed. Cuddling instead if anything bothered me, with no meanness from being told no, even if the act had already started (he didn't even get up to go "finish", just was like "OK, that's fine, we don't have to do anymore"). Jokes and acceptance of anything to keep me from feeling embarrassed or shy, probably also to mask his nervousness. Respect for my being nervous. And not a lot of expectations. If I had any other introduction to sex, I probably would have become very repulsed and even more anti-sexual than I was. However, it's portrayed the way it is, because a lot of people do focus on the act, I would assume? Different people like different things.

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Jade Cross

Ok seriously, why isnt sex potrayed as this? Hearing you guys talk about in betweens in sex, joking, cuddling, if I had heard sex like this growing up, I probably wouldnt have such a deep level of adversion to it. Everything I ever heard was "you gotta fuck"

Only reason I don't have a deeper aversion to it is because my introduction to it was .. relaxed. Cuddling instead if anything bothered me, with no meanness from being told no, even if the act had already started (he didn't even get up to go "finish", just was like "OK, that's fine, we don't have to do anymore"). Jokes and acceptance of anything to keep me from feeling embarrassed or shy, probably also to mask his nervousness. Respect for my being nervous. And not a lot of expectations. If I had any other introduction to sex, I probably would have become very repulsed and even more anti-sexual than I was. However, it's portrayed the way it is, because a lot of people do focus on the act, I would assume? Different people like different things.

Evidently that wasnt the case for the people around me. They focused on just the act and nothing more. Some of the worst memories I have regarding sex were people focusing on the act and the alledged horrible "truth" that its lack meant.

Hearing you guys here now makes me feel like I was even more decieved about this than I already am. Why the hell dont people use their brains and actually explain things rather than lumping them all together and presenting it as an absolute truth?

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Snao Cone

Ok seriously, why isnt sex potrayed as this? Hearing you guys talk about in betweens in sex, joking, cuddling, if I had heard sex like this growing up, I probably wouldnt have such a deep level of adversion to it. Everything I ever heard was "you gotta fuck"

Sex sells, but only a skewed version of it because the stigma of "not getting any" conflicts with taboos of carnal enjoyment. Plus there's the issue of time is money and the cutting room floor, et cetera. Marketed entertainment will only use as much sex as required to reach a sales goal, and a lot of the foreplay or other factors of a good interpersonal sexual experience aren't worth keeping in.

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Skullery Maid

Ok seriously, why isnt sex potrayed as this? Hearing you guys talk about in betweens in sex, joking, cuddling, if I had heard sex like this growing up, I probably wouldnt have such a deep level of adversion to it. Everything I ever heard was "you gotta fuck"

Sadly, I think "you gotta fuck" is the standard approach. Ironically, despite being sexual and having many many partners, I'm always one of the partners involved so I only know how I have sex, which is, fun and cute and silly and stuff. It's only from the people I sleep with that I hear about how it normally goes down with others.

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Serran

Sadly, I think "you gotta fuck" is the standard approach. Ironically, despite being sexual and having many many partners, I'm always one of the partners involved so I only know how I have sex, which is, fun and cute and silly and stuff. It's only from the people I sleep with that I hear about how it normally goes down with others.

Yeah, I think that was the theme of what most people tried to teach me when I expressed my inexperience in the field. Nothing about keeping it light. And I am fairly certain "Do you want to see my impression of an elephant?" would not be very accepted by most women, even though I found it oddly cute as a come on. When I tell people about the bird thing, they usually are like "AND HE WASN'T MAD?!?!" ... no, why would anyone be mad over an adorable animal being adorable? :unsure: Just cause he happened to do it during sex doesn't mean it's time to get mad. Geez.

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Skullery Maid

And he wasn't mad... lol... if he was, I'd consider that person very inconsiderate in bed. It's all about setting a mood and tone that's enjoyable for both people, keeping nerves out of it, and honestly... i can get myself off, I need the other person for touches and kisses and rolling around and joking and stuff. The actual orgasm? Meh, give me 5 minutes at the end and I can hammer that out on my own. I've never understood orgasm-based sex (but again, I recognize I'm odd).

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Jade Cross

And he wasn't mad... lol... if he was, I'd consider that person very inconsiderate in bed. It's all about setting a mood and tone that's enjoyable for both people, keeping nerves out of it, and honestly... i can get myself off, I need the other person for touches and kisses and rolling around and joking and stuff. The actual orgasm? Meh, give me 5 minutes at the end and I can hammer that out on my own. I've never understood orgasm-based sex (but again, I recognize I'm odd).

Well I have a newfound respect for you.

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Anthracite_Impreza

I've learnt an entirely new dimension to it in the last few posts, I think my brain's short-circuited.

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Jade Cross

I've learnt an entirely new dimension to it in the last few posts, I think my brain's short-circuited.

youre not alone. I feel that my lifes whole perception on sex has just been one gigantic fucking lie. Im actually really mad right now that THIS isnt what people teach about sex.

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Skullery Maid

And he wasn't mad... lol... if he was, I'd consider that person very inconsiderate in bed. It's all about setting a mood and tone that's enjoyable for both people, keeping nerves out of it, and honestly... i can get myself off, I need the other person for touches and kisses and rolling around and joking and stuff. The actual orgasm? Meh, give me 5 minutes at the end and I can hammer that out on my own. I've never understood orgasm-based sex (but again, I recognize I'm odd).

Well I have a newfound respect for you.

Thank you, I really appreciate that, actually :blush:

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Serran

I don't think I'll ever get orgasm-based sex either. I thought that was just cause I don't enjoy the physical sensations of it. At least I am not as weird as I thought. :D

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Tarfeather

If it weren't that unusual then sexual desire would not really enable reproduction. I do think it's pretty normal to desire orgasm with your partner as heterosexual.

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Snao Cone

And he wasn't mad... lol... if he was, I'd consider that person very inconsiderate in bed. It's all about setting a mood and tone that's enjoyable for both people, keeping nerves out of it, and honestly... i can get myself off, I need the other person for touches and kisses and rolling around and joking and stuff. The actual orgasm? Meh, give me 5 minutes at the end and I can hammer that out on my own. I've never understood orgasm-based sex (but again, I recognize I'm odd).

Maybe this is part of my asexuality or greyness or whatever, but I would prefer to finish myself off. I don't want to make someone feel like I'm their responsibility to please.

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Serran

If it weren't that unusual then sexual desire would not really enable reproduction. I do think it's pretty normal to desire orgasm with your partner as heterosexual.

No one said it wasn't normal. In fact, Skulls keeps saying she gets she's odd. But, given Skulls likes sex and likes orgasm, but still doesn't get the orgasm-based sex, means people who can enjoy it still don't get it. Meaning, it's not as unusual as I always thought. :P

Edit: And you can correct me if I am wrong, but I assume Skulls prefers orgasms during sex... even if she doesn't think that is her main goal ?

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Float On

that's an interesting thought. people always talk about sex v. nosex in an ace-allo relationship, but no one talks about duration. it should be totally valid for anyone to "compromise" by doing whatever they're comfortable but stopping when they stop being comfortable. and would a considerate sexual partner really complain if they had to finish on their own, if their ace partner had been willing to do so much as they had?

like for me, I'll kiss roll around and laugh with you heck I'll even kiss or caress you(r upper body) while you finish your own self and if that constitutes as sex to you I actually just have no complaints.

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Serran

that's an interesting thought. people always talk about sex v. nosex in an ace-allo relationship, but no one talks about duration. it should be totally valid for anyone to "compromise" by doing whatever they're comfortable but stopping when they stop being comfortable. and would a considerate sexual partner really complain if they had to finish on their own, if their ace partner had been willing to do so much as they had?

like for me, I'll kiss roll around and laugh with you heck I'll even kiss or caress you(r upper body) while you finish your own self and if that constitutes as sex to you I actually just have no complaints.

Yes, sexual partners would complain about that. Some require more than that to feel fulfilled. Should a considerate partner push? No. But, admit to it not being enough? Sure. I mean, some of my partners have complained because I don't want their body fluids in my mouth cause they felt sexually incomplete without that.

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Tarfeather

I think sex for the sake of your own pleasure is a pretty high reaching goal. Not only would you have to find a sexual for that, but also one who shares your preferences. For people like me who are incompatible with most people even just personality-wise, that's pretty much unattainable. What I desire out of sex is to please my partner, not to have it the way I'd prefer.

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Skullery Maid

that's an interesting thought. people always talk about sex v. nosex in an ace-allo relationship, but no one talks about duration. it should be totally valid for anyone to "compromise" by doing whatever they're comfortable but stopping when they stop being comfortable. and would a considerate sexual partner really complain if they had to finish on their own, if their ace partner had been willing to do so much as they had?

like for me, I'll kiss roll around and laugh with you heck I'll even kiss or caress you(r upper body) while you finish your own self and if that constitutes as sex to you I actually just have no complaints.

Yes, sexual partners would complain about that. Some require more than that to feel fulfilled. Should a considerate partner push? No. But, admit to it not being enough? Sure. I mean, some of my partners have complained because I don't want their body fluids in my mouth cause they felt sexually incomplete without that.

Yeah, i was gonna say, for me that would constitute satisfying sex, but probs not for most people. And I very much agree that a considerate partner would never push, prod, beg, whine, complain, attempt more, etc... but stating one's needs, even if they're contradictory to what the other person can give, is totes ok.

I think sex for the sake of your own pleasure is a pretty high reaching goal.

I think it's a misguided goal, personally, in that there's a whole other person there who should be at least as, if not more, relevant than yourself. So yeah, I agree wit ya. :D

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Tarfeather

I think sex for the sake of your own pleasure is a pretty high reaching goal.

I think it's a misguided goal, personally, in that there's a whole other person there who should be at least as, if not more, relevant than yourself. So yeah, I agree wit ya. :D

Sure, but if you can have it anyway, why not? I've known some heterosexual women who took it for granted, actually.

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