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Telecaster68

Asexuals, how long do you think sex takes? (TMI)

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Blakrana

Likely comes down to the person and people involved and I'll leave any numbers to those in the know. Much as any activity people enjoy, people will find and make the time to pursue it. Don't see what's especially difficult about that.

As an inherent outsider to the equation there of, it remains a matter of discussion I plainly state I cannot partake in due to lacking any experience and interest to do so in the first place. Same as with anything I don't personally care about, really: acknowledge and respect the other person does and just be upfront you can't contribute to such discussions beyond perhaps a willingness to listen, up to a point.

Shrugging and saying 'fair enough' is pretty much the extent of engagement when it comes to it. Maybe mix it up with an automatic 'kinky' somewhere or other and just leave it at that. If other people get 'offended' I don't really care about their sex lives, that's their problem. I don't need to make a scene when someone doesn't like a game, book or piece of music I like, after all; people are entirely in their rights not to give a damn about stuff others do.

Not interested is a reasonable response when it's accurate. All one needs to do is simply act respectfully when pointing that out.

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Jade Cross

I didn't mean to be harsh, it's a combination of curiosity and wanting to shed some light after seeing some posts that really made me wonder what on earth asexuals were imagining went on, especially as they do tend to not be as experienced as sexuals, for obvious reasons. Also, for sexuals, if you're with a partner who's clearly not into it (a la Serran's mentally reciting song lyrics), do they curtail things?

I don't think I'm harsh, I just get impatient with the AVEN tendency to smile and nod at things that don't make sense.

Here where you yourself are admitting that you didnt mean to be.

Like I said, tone or wording can come off as that even if youre not intending it to be. I can relate though because often people tell me Im rough with them when in reality my way of expressing things tends to be percieved as rough.

Other than that, Im behind the desire to learn. I would like to learn a few things on sex too. If nothing else, it would help me get by easier than awkwardly standing whenever I get picked for questions on sex.

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Telecaster68
Here where you yourself are admitting that you didnt mean to be.

I was saying I didn't mean to be, not that I did. People can perceive things that just weren't there, particularly when the general discussion on AVEN is hedged round with 'haha', 'IDK', 'I don't know anything about this but here's my opinion', 'that's just me', 'feel free to disagree', '*shrugs*', and many other ways of getting your invalidation in first. I just take it as read that what they're posting is their personal opinion and I can disagree with it, and people can argue with me right back, so I just don't bother with it.

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Jade Cross

My point exactly.

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Telecaster68

I refuse to use faut Valley Girl instead of talking like a grown up.

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Jade Cross

Im not faulting you for wanting to get to the botton of things. I do the same.

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Snao Cone

How did an earnest conversation about asexuals' perception of sex turn into another thread about diminishing the intelligence or validity of what people say because their conversational style is different from a middle aged British guy? I know you're not trying to dismiss everything we say, Telecaster, but you seem to easily fall back into the rut of claiming most people on AVEN are stupid or simple or just generally not to be taken seriously.

Oh, and perhaps this was just an unnoticed typo, but I believe you mean "faux" and not "faut".

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Hobbes!

This is, like, just my opinion or whatever, but I think it's totally cool to hedge when you're not sure about something. Anyways, I heard, like, you can take breaks to cuddle and stuff when you're doing it

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Snao Cone

This is, like, just my opinion or whatever, but I think it's totally cool to hedge when you're not sure about something. Anyways, I heard, like, you can take breaks to cuddle and stuff when you're doing it

OMG r u 4 real?????

Okay, I'll stop purposely irritating Telecaster now :D

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levelskid

Maybe a few minutes, depending on how long you're willing to drag it out.

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.,.

I'm going to say, it lasts however long you want it to last.

Myself I am suspecting that I might have to do the sex one day, and I was thinking earlier today on how I might tackle that. I know some things about sex, and one of those things is that it's not a one sided thing, and it doesn't even need to involve penetration, and especially not oral sex eww! However, from my experience with cuddling and that sort of stuff I can say that I like it, I like stroking people's backs and the back of their heads and making them feel good. So this morning I was thinking that maybe I'd be able to sexually please a partner manually? Because on the surface, what's the difference between rubbing the nerve endings on top of someone's head, and the ones between their legs and on their breasts? This is what inspired my short answer above, that if I end up being comfortable with this I could give my partner 10 minutes, or if I'm feeling particularly nice that day I could keep it going for hours (at least till my hands cramp up). In return I can of course ask for things back, like them doing the dishes the day after! yeah!

To be a little bit more on topic though: I know some couples who spend up to 40 minutes every night, or even several times a day, - yeah I've been told. And I assume they mostly make the time by doing it in the time they'd otherwise use for sleep. Or maybe one of them will visit the other during break at work, and they'll find a tiny room with a lock or something. If you're creative time can be found anywhere. They don't have to spend time on AVEN so that saves them a lot of time too!

A quickie: 3-10 mins.

Your regular, established relationship week night session: 15-60 minutes.

A weekend-away epic: 1.5-8 hours.

These are my guesses.

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Telecaster68

You can be tentative without the disingenuous 'don't mind me' stuff though. If posters actually felt they weren't worth listening to, they wouldn't post. It's just a way of getting themselves off the intellectual hook instead of thinking out what they meant before they start typing. It's a sort of written version of rising intonation: asking a question? Fine. Making a statement that's open to challenge? Fine. Not both though. Obviously this isn't an asexual thing, it's probably cultural and generational.

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Hobbes!

You can be tentative without the disingenuous 'don't mind me' stuff though. If posters actually felt they weren't worth listening to, they wouldn't post. It's just a way of getting themselves off the intellectual hook instead of thinking out what they meant before they start typing. It's a sort of written version of rising intonation: asking a question? Fine. Making a statement that's open to challenge? Fine. Not both though. Obviously this isn't an asexual thing, it's probably cultural and generational.

Or it's a way of avoiding being attacked for presenting an opinion as universal, or a matter of fact (Both of which I've seen before on this site, multiple times). Or it's communicating that one's opinion is subject to change based on comments from better informed - or just plain other - people. Admitting that you don't know everything is no bad thing. What language you use to do that is a matter of individual style

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Anthracite_Impreza

I thought like half an hour to an hour, any less than that seems kinda pointless for how much people go on about it.

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Telecaster68
What language you use to do that is a matter of individual style

True, and on, say FB or even in the more chatty threads I don't have a problem with it. It cuts both ways though - saying I'm being harsh, 'exploding' and lashing out because I don't hedge in the same style is unjustified. I use 'personally', or 'my experience is' a lot, and by definition, everything everyone says on here is up for challenge.

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timewarp
On that note, does anybody here seriously think that a 5 minute or 15 minute or even 25 minute cuddle session would be in any way satisfying?

Yes.

About getting mentally ready for sex: ironically, for me it's probably more of the opposite. My attempts at making sex work somehow failed mainly because I got really bored during foreplay. I didn't mind doing it, it was just not exciting for me at all. Which makes arousal as likely as, say, while cleaning dishes or solving differential equations.

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Serran

No agenda here, not trying to solve anything. I just suspect there's another of the sexual/asexual lacunae here.

From some 'how do they find the time' reactions to posts about frequency of sex, I'm wondering how long asexuals think sexuals actually spend having sex? And as corollaries, do you find it takes you a while to mentally ramp up to being okay to sex? Or to get your head together again afterwards?

Obviously it'll vary from person to person, couple to couple, and over time. But say, as a reference - a quickie? Your regular, established relationship week night session? A weekend-away epic?

And thinking about it for sexuals in mixed relationships - is it necessarily any different in 'session length' than with a sexual partner?

It varies by person, honestly.

My first boyfriend - sex took anywhere from 10 minutes to half an hour, foreplay included. And I didn't have to ramp myself up, he didn't want it very often. Every two weeks or so. And if I wasn't interested, no harm, no foul, we'd just cuddle instead.

My second - Uhhh... sex was pretty quick, in general. 5 minutes, perhaps? Again, no prep needed, we used perhaps 20 condoms over his couple months stay. No biggie.

My third - Varied a lot. From 30m to an hour, but he always needed BDSM play involved. If I wasn't interested, he didn't push, so no prep needed. Just a no til I was ready.

My fourth - "Quickie" is like 10 minutes, average is more around 45 minutes... no foreplay involved, total is 100% genital stimulation time. Yes prep needed. If I can't at least go into the bathroom and mentally prepare myself, when sex is LONG and DAILY I will end up sighing and showing how much I really don't want to be doing it. If it's less frequent, it doesn't bug me.

How much time afterwards: Well, it takes me a few hours to stop being annoyed afterwards, if it's too frequent. A few seconds to minutes if it's less frequent.

I'd generally consider 5m-1 hour "typical" though. Quickie is a few minutes, long session around an hour. Most sexual women I know say more than that would annoy even them.

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Telecaster68
solving differential equations

So in your case, pretty f***ing horny... ;)

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Hobbes!
What language you use to do that is a matter of individual style

True, and on, say FB or even in the more chatty threads I don't have a problem with it. It cuts both ways though - saying I'm being harsh, 'exploding' and lashing out because I don't hedge in the same style is unjustified. I use 'personally', or 'my experience is' a lot, and by definition, everything everyone says on here is up for challenge.

Cutting both ways, yeah, I can see where you're coming from. Not least because I'm not quite sure why your original post in this thread was considered harsh

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Telecaster68
I'm not quite sure why your original post in this thread was considered harsh

Presumably because it lacked fluffiness. Everywhere isn't Facebook.

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timewarp
solving differential equations

So in your case, pretty f***ing horny... ;)

Mind you, it's definitely on my "more interesting than sex" list :)

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nanogretchen4

I know this thread is about how long asexuals think sex takes, but I think the more interesting and informative question might be how long sex actually takes. Some asexuals on this site have first hand experience with more partners than I do, while others are probably in middle school in the Bible belt. Some asexuals are too repulsed to deal with very mild references to sex, while others are aspiring sex therapists or researchers. I haven't read any crazy guesses on this thread yet, probably because asexuals have heard the same conventional guesses about what's typical as sexuals have. I don't know about anyone else, but I haven't had enough partners to make a statistically significant sample size, and the answers varied widely from partner to partner. Also, the sexes of the participants seem to make a difference.

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Telecaster68

As you say, it varies across time and people and specific situations, and none of the guesses were way off anyhow. Closer than I expected to be honest, given some of the posts I've seem, though that might be down to people with no idea not contributing. My interest in perceptions were based on this, though: expectations about what might work in a mixed relationship are really important, because otherwise people get emotionally involved in a situation that turns out to be not what they thought. You see it a lot with frequency, and I wondered if the time taken might be something similar.

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Skullery Maid

Maybe it's because I don't have that PIV option, but my sexytimes last a lot longer than that... :/ Like, never less than 45 minutes.

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Tarfeather

Maybe it's because I don't have that PIV option, but my sexytimes last a lot longer than that... :/ Like, never less than 45 minutes.

To be honest, they last longer for everyone I've heard from.

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Telecaster68

Mine did when it was with a sexual partner, and during NRE with my wife. Steady decline since then though.

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Serran

Maybe it's because I don't have that PIV option, but my sexytimes last a lot longer than that... :/ Like, never less than 45 minutes.

To be honest, they last longer for everyone I've heard from.

Most sexual people I know have given me times considerably shorter, in general. Though, they're either college hookups, or married with kids couples. Disappearing for 2 hours or so from your kids is hard to do, when you have a billion things going on.

I can't imagine spending more than 45 minutes on sex frequently though. Ugh. I'd rather honestly sit and watch paint dry. Literally.

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Skullery Maid

I wonder if part of the issue is what constitutes "sex"? I can't imagine from the first kiss to the final, exhausted roll back to your own side of the bed, it only lasting 20 minutes. How can you get anything done? It takes girls like 10ish minutes just to come, and it's not like after a peck on the lips you go right to the genitals... so for 2 girls to come at separate times, plus foreplay, plus taking breaks to be adorable... yeah, usually rounds up to about an hour.

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Hobbes!

I wonder if part of the issue is what constitutes "sex"? I can't imagine from the first kiss to the final, exhausted roll back to your own side of the bed, lasting 20 minutes. How can you get anything done? It takes girls like 10ish minutes just to come, and it's not like after a peck on the lips you go right to the genitals... so for 2 girls to come at separate times, plus foreplay, plus taking breaks to be adorable... yeah, usually rounds up to about an hour.

Yeah, that's what I based my "45 minutes and time to get worried" assumption on. Based on some personal experience, but nowhere near enough for me to be more than tentative about it

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Telecaster68

It seems to me, but that's just me right, YMMV, whatever, IDK, that asexuals who are tolerating it - even with good grace and attempts at enthusiasm - basically want it to be over, so there's as little of the nonPIV as they can manage. Haha *shrugs*

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