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Telecaster68

Asexuals, how long do you think sex takes? (TMI)

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Telecaster68

No agenda here, not trying to solve anything. I just suspect there's another of the sexual/asexual lacunae here.

From some 'how do they find the time' reactions to posts about frequency of sex, I'm wondering how long asexuals think sexuals actually spend having sex? And as corollaries, do you find it takes you a while to mentally ramp up to being okay to sex? Or to get your head together again afterwards?

Obviously it'll vary from person to person, couple to couple, and over time. But say, as a reference - a quickie? Your regular, established relationship week night session? A weekend-away epic?

And thinking about it for sexuals in mixed relationships - is it necessarily any different in 'session length' than with a sexual partner?

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poindexter

I'vs heard a quickie could perhaps be 5 mins. Regular weekday, maybe 15 mins. If sex takes more than 30 mins, that seems like quite a long time.. Weekend away/all-nighter, I guess it's a case of just getting it on again as soon as you can after you've finished, so who knows? It takes men much longer to "recover" than women, but maybe women need longer "ramping-up" to sex? I think it depends on the individual.

When I say stuff like "where do you find the time?" I'm generally talking about building relationships, rather than the actual act of sex.

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Telecaster68
I'm generally talking about building relationships, rather than the actual act of sex.

Oh right, so more about being an aro than an ace, in fact.

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poindexter

I'm generally talking about building relationships, rather than the actual act of sex.

Oh right, so more about being an aro than an ace, in fact.

Yeah, pretty much.

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Sisky

I'm wondering how long asexuals think sexuals actually spend having sex?

A lot more than I can comprehend, but that goes for everything. I've always wondered how people find the time to do thing. It's either because I need a lot of recovery time after everything I do (and I mean a lot), or my mind just works a lot slower than other people's. Probably both.

And as corollaries, do you find it takes you a while to mentally ramp up to being okay to sex?

That doesn't work at all. I'm either okay with having sex, or not. Trying to get into the mood makes me incredibly cranky. And then cue recovery time.

Or to get your head together again afterwards?

Once the physical sensations wear off, I'm fully back to normal.

I can't really wrap my head around planning sex in any way. The thought of doing it at a specific point is an instant turnoff from the idea of sex in general for me.

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Lady Norgard

Takes a few minutes right? Like poindexter said, it's more about how people find the time to build up the relationship, or how they find the time to look for a one night stand. Sex it's self is quick but everything related to it takes more time.

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Custos

Referring to the actual penetrative part I'm thinking....15 minutes??? With foreplay and stuff it would be longer but it depends??? Ahaha, I've no idea :D

In terms of getting into it mentally, that depends a lot. I know from stories from friends that some of their guys literally take 5 minutes to get 'up' so to speak. They themselves (the girls) take a little longer. Nothing gender-orientated about this by the way, this is just what I've been told.

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Telecaster68

What sparked this question was, in particular, one poster seeing the average-ish figure of twice a week for established sexual couples and saying 'how do they find the time', and quite a few people agreeing. So in this case there's no buildilng up a relationship - it's already there - and no going out in search of casual sex. It made me think 'wtf do asexuals think happens?'.

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Jade Cross

If I suddenly became sexual or had a partner that wanted sex, with my schedule, 10 minutes would be the time and even that I find to be long. And that would be for a quickie as well as regular sex.

As for the frequency, at tops, once every 2 weeks at best.

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Telecaster68

Yeah but what do you think sexual people do?

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

takes anywhere from a few minutes (IF one partner can orgasm quickly, some can orgasm in a few minutes, some it takes 40 minutes of stimulation, either by themselves or by their partner, before they can orgasm.. the time varies from person to person) to... well, hours... or all night/day... or days even, drawing the exploration and enjoyment of each other's bodies out over a long, slow time, over and over... only stopping for food and bathroom breaks etc :P

Tele, I notice you can be pretty harsh on aces here, but a lot of them haven't had a lot of sex. Most sexual people who haven't had any or much sex yet also have no idea about any of it... how long sex ''normally'' takes, what exactly you're meant to do, how anyone could put *that* in their mouth. It's not about sexual orientation, it's about experience. And many asexuals, regardless of their age, just haven't had much sexual experience at all (EDIT hence why they have no idea about how long sex takes. Also, not being interested in sex, it's hard for many asexuals to imagine why anyone would take the time to do it, when they could be doing something fun like gaming or reading or whatever lol)

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Telecaster68

I didn't mean to be harsh, it's a combination of curiosity and wanting to shed some light after seeing some posts that really made me wonder what on earth asexuals were imagining went on, especially as they do tend to not be as experienced as sexuals, for obvious reasons. Also, for sexuals, if you're with a partner who's clearly not into it (a la Serran's mentally reciting song lyrics), do they curtail things?

I don't think I'm harsh, I just get impatient with the AVEN tendency to smile and nod at things that don't make sense.

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Lixt

I don't think sex in itself takes a lot of time, and I certaintly never argued about a compromise on frequency because of the duration of sex itself.

For me, it takes a bit of time to be and feel (also just physically) myself/normal. And in fact, it's feeling physically myself that takes the longest time, it's not really about getting my head together, but my body back. I'm not sure if asexuality is the most decisive part of that, or if it's a past of abuse, or if it's being AFAB, or both, or neither.

3 times a week is my tipping point, the point I just can't deal with because I end up alienated 100% of the time. That doesn't mean I consider sex to last a third of a week, or that I am unable to do anything during that time. I have absolutely no idea if sexuals experience this, in fact I even thought about including being AFAB in the list of possible reason I feel like I don't have my full "physical integrity" until up to about 3 days, because I really don't know if that's something other people can relate to, and if yes, what's the denominator.

So it's not really about "but you're taking me 3x 20 minutes of sleep", just the need to get back to myself.

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Jade Cross

Yeah but what do you think sexual people do?

No clue really. From all the extravagant stories that tend to fly around, people make it seem like they can be having sex for hours on end even as illogical and exagerated as that is in logical terms.

Realistically speaking, Ive been told that 15 to 20 minutes tops with foreplay involved and everything. Whether thats true or not, I wouldnt really know.

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Telecaster68
So it's not really about "but you're taking me 3x 20 minutes of sleep", just the need to get back to myself.

Yeah, that was the kind of thing I was wondering was different - maybe related to the way sexuals tend to feel great afterwards, asexuals probably less so.

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Jade Cross

I didn't mean to be harsh, it's a combination of curiosity and wanting to shed some light after seeing some posts that really made me wonder what on earth asexuals were imagining went on, especially as they do tend to not be as experienced as sexuals, for obvious reasons. Also, for sexuals, if you're with a partner who's clearly not into it (a la Serran's mentally reciting song lyrics), do they curtail things?

I don't think I'm harsh, I just get impatient with the AVEN tendency to smile and nod at things that don't make sense.

Dont you smile amd nod when faced with a situation or subject which you have no idea about but dont want to offend the other person whos talking to you? Or do you pick fights over it?

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

I didn't mean to be harsh, it's a combination of curiosity and wanting to shed some light after seeing some posts that really made me wonder what on earth asexuals were imagining went on, especially as they do tend to not be as experienced as sexuals, for obvious reasons. Also, for sexuals, if you're with a partner who's clearly not into it (a la Serran's mentally reciting song lyrics), do they curtail things?

I don't think I'm harsh, I just get impatient with the AVEN tendency to smile and nod at things that don't make sense.

TMI ahead

My ex was a 40+ minute guy, like Serrans fella was, and that was at least once a day, usually twice.. I'd try to do maths in my head, because I hate maths and find it difficult, to distract myself while the sex was happening. Nothing I could do would make it faster or shorten the duration, so I just had to grit my teeth and bear it pretty much. I wished he would have did what he could to make it faster, but he never did. He also always had to include at least 10 minutes of giving me oral each time, even though I hate receiving oral <_< Kind sexual partners would try to make it quicker though, I imagine, and try to do things their asexual partner might enjoy as well intimately (ie I really like having my breasts touched and played with, and that would have made it more bearable for me, but he wasn't interested in boobs unless they are super small and mine are super big so wasn't interested in touching mine) ,,,Anyway I'm super tired, maybe I didn't answer that question correctly at all, sorry if that's the case. 2.20am, I shall now get back to hanging curtains!

oh just quickly it's also worth noting, I didn't know about asexuality at the time, I just thought I was a broken freak who couldn't enjoy sex the way a ''real woman'' could. Probably one of the reasons I stayed in the relationship so long, I didn't think I deserved any better.

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Telecaster68

Dont you smile amd nod when faced with a situation or subject which you have no idea about but dont want to offend the other person whos talking to you?

Depends on context. Down the pub, smile and nod yes, but if it seems appropriate, probe a bit, gently. Unless the speaker clearly doesn't want to talk about it. And I tend to assume that anyone on a discussion board does want to talk about whatever it might be if they join in.

It's not as though there are no threads with variants 'wtf is it with everyone liking sex? it's ewwwwww' after all. The equivalent would be 'why on earth don't all these weird asexuals just shut up and have sex, they'd love it', and there are none of those.

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Telecaster68

Pan

You and Serran always impress me, and the partner you mention, and hers, seem to be way too uncompromising. But that was exactly the kind of thing I was thinking of.

And hanging curtains at 2.20am?

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Jade Cross

I didn't mean to be harsh, it's a combination of curiosity and wanting to shed some light after seeing some posts that really made me wonder what on earth asexuals were imagining went on, especially as they do tend to not be as experienced as sexuals, for obvious reasons. Also, for sexuals, if you're with a partner who's clearly not into it (a la Serran's mentally reciting song lyrics), do they curtail things?

I don't think I'm harsh, I just get impatient with the AVEN tendency to smile and nod at things that don't make sense.

TMI ahead

My ex was a 40+ minute guy, like Serrans fella was, and that was at least once a day, usually twice.. I'd try to do maths in my head, because I hate maths and find it difficult, to distract myself while the sex was happening. Nothing I could do would make it faster or shorten the duration, so I just had to grit my teeth and bear it pretty much. I wished he would have did what he could to make it faster, but he never did. He also always had to include at least 10 minutes of giving me oral each time, even though I hate receiving oral <_< Kind sexual partners would try to make it quicker though, I imagine, and try to do things their asexual partner might enjoy as well intimately (ie I really like having my breasts touched and played with, and that would have made it more bearable for me, but he wasn't interested in boobs unless they are super small and mine are super big) ,,,Anyway I'm super tired, maybe I didn't answer that question correctly at all, sorry if that's the case. 2.20am, I shall now get back to hanging curtains!

oh just quickly it's also worth noting, I didn't know about asexuality at the time, I just thought I was a broken freak who couldn't enjoy sex the way a ''real woman'' could. Probably one of the reasons I stayed in the relationship so long, I didn't think I deserved any better.

Dont most (to not say all) of us feel "broken/abnormal/sick/any other verb to describe the feeling" when everyone seems to be raving so much about sex and saying how awesome it is and youre sitting in a corner thinking "why am I the only one who cant feel that?"

Even at these stages in life, I still have days when it eats away at me to think that I will never be like others, which wouldnt be such a bad thing had I not grown up recieving the ridicule of others and even parental rejection of me as a person just because I said I wasnt interested in these things (relationships, sex, kids, etc)

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Snao Cone

If the only concern is the duration from insertion to ejaculation (i.e. the dude's ever temporary pleasure) it can range from 2 minutes to, like, an hour in very rare and exhausting cases. Sex in an actually mutually pleasurable sense (hetero, at least) will take at least a few extra minutes of foreplay if you're doing this on your coffee break.

I think we also need to establish a general awareness here that foreplay is a major part of most positive sexual relationships because sexual enjoyment goes beyond the boink. It's not just, like, five minute missionary followed by a handshake.

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Jade Cross

Dont you smile amd nod when faced with a situation or subject which you have no idea about but dont want to offend the other person whos talking to you?

Depends on context. Down the pub, smile and nod yes, but if it seems appropriate, probe a bit, gently. Unless the speaker clearly doesn't want to talk about it. And I tend to assume that anyone on a discussion board does want to talk about whatever it might be if they join in.

It's not as though there are no threads with variants 'wtf is it with everyone liking sex? it's ewwwwww' after all. The equivalent would be 'why on earth don't all these weird asexuals just shut up and have sex, they'd love it', and there are none of those.

Probing gently to see is one thing and I can certainly get behind that because Im very curious myself. But you also have to be careful on how you word it. As Panficto said, you seem to be harsh and at times it may feel like youre lashing out at people who are not doing or saying things out of malice but genuinly dont know.

Its as if I was asked " so what do you prefer, oral vaginal or anal" and the only thing I will do is stand there and think "what do I say?" "Uhhh vaginal?" and then the person explodes saying how do I choose vaginal when anal is better.

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Telecaster68

I don't really differentiate 'foreplay' from 'sex as in PIV'. Most sexuals like to have some PIV, often to finish, at least some of the time, but I've never understood why it's viewed as 'proper' sex, and the rest not.

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Baam

No agenda here, not trying to solve anything. I just suspect there's another of the sexual/asexual lacunae here.

From some 'how do they find the time' reactions to posts about frequency of sex, I'm wondering how long asexuals think sexuals actually spend having sex? And as corollaries, do you find it takes you a while to mentally ramp up to being okay to sex? Or to get your head together again afterwards?

Obviously it'll vary from person to person, couple to couple, and over time. But say, as a reference - a quickie? Your regular, established relationship week night session? A weekend-away epic?

And thinking about it for sexuals in mixed relationships - is it necessarily any different in 'session length' than with a sexual partner?

Uh.. Maybe like 10/15 minutes? I have no idea. A complete guess, I've never really thought about it... It doesn't really affect me so I don't care to be honest... I can imagine it would take me a very long time over the course of a relationship to even consider having sex... On the day though, I don't know. There's really no way for me to know, sorry.

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Telecaster68

at times it may feel like youre lashing out at people who are not doing or saying things out of malice but genuinly dont know.

I don't believe I've lashed out. What would be an example of that?

I'm fine with people not knowing things, but insisting their opinion is as valid as people who do know those things just doesn't stand up to examination. AVEN's validation fetish can result in some really weird claims sometimes, and that doesn't help anyone.

What have I said that you perceive as exploding, or even criticising someone's preferences?

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Hobbes!

Hypothetically if the whole thing was beginning to last for more than maybe 45 minutes I'm sure I'd begin to worry that I'm not doing something right

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Telecaster68

Hypothetically if the whole thing was beginning to last for more than maybe 45 minutes I'm sure I'd begin to worry that I'm not doing something right

... or it might be you're doing a lot of things very right and your partner doesn't want it stop. Ever. ;)

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Tarfeather

I'vs heard a quickie could perhaps be 5 mins. Regular weekday, maybe 15 mins.

I think the only effect this would have would be to give the male involved blue balls. :P I need 25 minutes of stimulation of *some* form (not necessarily physical, can be mental) to be able to have an orgasm, and then I'd consider that "quick and just to get it out of my system".

On that note, does anybody here seriously think that a 5 minute or 15 minute or even 25 minute cuddle session would be in any way satisfying?

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DannyFenton123

Not looking at any of the other forum posts, I'd say two minutes? I mean, if it took much longer wouldn't you get bored? :blink:

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blanket burrito

My last partner probably averaged around 15 minutes, a few times a week. Maybe it would've lasted longer if I'd actually been into it. <_<

I took a little extra time to mentally prepare myself beforehand, and then to contemplate why I was so disinterested afterward. For sexual people, I'd guess 15-30 minutes is normal? I'm pretty sure that's about the same time frame I imagined before I'd tried it, but I do remember seeing some totally absurd stories where people were going at it for hours at a time. I'm not sure I believe that's a thing. But if it were... how do they find the time?

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