Christian Sexual Woman married to Christian Asexual Man

[Jan4533]

Is there any women out there that can relate to my relationship?

I am a Christian remarried woman who is sexual. My first husband was not a Christian and he had an affair and divorced me. I met a wonderful Godly man who was romantic, honest, funny and loving. We didn't believe in sex before marriage, so I admired his streght to absain from sex before marriage. However, on our Honeymoon I knew something wasn't quite right. I blamed his lack of desire on his being tired form the long drive, but over the years our sexual differences created problems. We went to several counselors and they always gave us assignments to help his sex drive. He did make an effort but always defaulted to not having sex at all. I was young, thin, attractive and aggressive sexually when he married me. I couldn't understand what was wrong with our relationship. I thought he might be Gay or that he was having an affair. Later in our marriage, I thought he might be getting his sexual needs met through Pornography. I always thought it was something wrong with Me. My self-esteem has been deeply affected by years of what I thought was rejection. I started turning to food full pleasure and gained weight. After, years of questioning and trying to figure him out, he told me that he doesn't like sex, that he never has. This wasn't a total surprize but now I have to deal with accepting him as an asexual person. We have two teenagers and are partners in ministry. There is no way I would divorce him, so I just need to know how to cope. Is there any women out there that is coping? How are you doing it?

[thylacine]

So, you're married to an asexual dude, huh? Sorry to hear it, that's tough. Oh well... if he's asexual, you know he ain't cheatin' right?

[Gr8tlyLoved]

When you bring your faith into this issue it makes the matter much more difficult, because ofcoarse the option of "moving on" is not a real option at all. My faith prohibits leaving my husband for such a matter, and my heart wants to stay as well; I do love him truly.

Yet my flesh still seeks satisfaction. And by flesh I mean the craving or endorphines or whatever you want to call the desire to be loved physically. This is one of those situations however where the more information, the better. The more I read walrus and Hawke's posts the more I understand my weakness and this helps tremendously.

My faith that Christ can do all things is my hope. The fact that I love this man with all my heart is my motivation. This forum is my lifeline between the two worlds we live in and what offers a bridge between the two.

My advice to you is take one day at a time. Trust God and follow what His Spirit tells you. Get some kind of relational support or a place to release the tension when it gets too intense. I have this forum and it is where I comd to when I need answers that he seems unable to give me. He is also a reclusive on top of asexual, so this makes communication quite difficult.

My prayers are with you and if you need someone to talk to email me.

God Bless :o

[MaraKarina]

I can very well relate to your situation - with the problem and also with how religion makes it more difficult to cope with such a problem.

When I met my husband, he was great as a person and sexually as well, for over a year so that I never thought anything might be wrong with him. When he wanted sex less and less frequently, he always came up with excuses like he didn't feel well, was tired, had so much to do in the office, or simply with the question if sex was really more important than our good relationship overall.

When I met my husband I had no religion and later was introduced to Christian Science, which includes a rather unusual concept of a socalled "spiritual" body and healing through prayer alone. Christian Science would also discourage from premarital sex and even for couples there is an unspoken ideal that the more you grow spiritually the more you'd have sex to have children only and feel no need at other times...

My husband was never into Christian Science, but with this ideal in my head, I was living with a few contradicting needs/wishes: my husband's (we were not yet married but shared an appartment) lack of sexual interest, my sexual needs, the religion's ideal of no sex before marriage, and as little as possible during marriage. And based on the belief that all illness and problems be healed through prayer only, my only means of "solving" this issue was: prayer, alone or with with a so-called practitioner.

But again, always with the thought, that, maybe I should spiritualize more so my desire for sex would be less. As Christian Science also includes that you should not "make a reality of the problem" by speaking about it more than necessary, even discussions with my husband were reduced to times when I was absolutely frustrated and couldn't cope otherwise.

By the time we were married, 10 years after we met, my husband had stopped sex completely for 2 years. At that time I had already understood Christion Science to be a deception, and had found Jesus/become a Christian. But my thinking was still quite a bit influenced by Christian Science.

It may sould strange to some that we still got married with this problem on hand. But for me it was because I loved my husband as a person, and because I both believed all his excuses and because I wouldn't have let him down because if he was sick so why would I let him down if he had a problem which - I thought - we can tackle together. I did not at all imagine that we were never again to have sex. The time we got married was an absolute stress time for us with refurbishing a new house, and a few job issues, and I always thought that we'd get to solve our problem once things were getting quiet again.

Well, things did become quiet again and I addressed that subject with my husband, approx. 1.5 years after we got married. And then, for the very first time, he told me that he just never feels like having sex, that he thought a doctor or counseling wouldn't help and that he refused to do such a thing (he'd rather get a divorce than do something like that). That he, in fact, didn't think he had a problem and if I had a problem with it why wouldn't I find a boy-friend for sex only, we could still enjoy being together.

During all the years, I put on weight, just enough so I didn't really feel attractive. And I used food to comfort me. And I lost much of my self-esteem. I got into a vicious circle of feeling sad and frustrated, after the first 1.5 years that my husband almost never initiated sex and was not at all open when I tried to. This not being desired or rejected - even with excuses such as feeling sick - hurt so very much that I stopped wearing fancy clothes. If I thought myself I wasn't attractive I couldn't expect my husband to consider me attractive and therefore feel rejected ... Occasionally I tried various things to change him, but nothing ever worked.

It was so bad that recently, after I had finally lost the extra weight, and as I am becoming a little more open to the idea of meeting someone else, I did buy nice clothes but then never wear it but instead only wore the items which made me look unattractive. When I did get into wearing the fancy items (showing the figure, bright colours) it brought with it strong waves of pain, the pain of wearing something which makes me feel attractive and automatically expect my husband to show some reaction - which NEVER comes. Even as I am slowly opening up to the idea of meeting another man - which I find immensely difficult to do as a Christian! - I have difficulties in dressing nicely. To dress nicely almost gives me the feeling as if I was dressed undecently, even when it is for an evening out and would still be decent enough for a conservative office!

Had almost forgotten, the "favourite" excuse of my husband was that I was putting too much pressure on him. That I always wanted sex before he had a chance to want it and that he thought it would help solve the problem if I become more patient and wait until he felt like it. Eager to see the problem solved I tried to wait, but only to find that our sex life died a lot faster. Looking back, I see this demand for me to be more patient was very selfish of my husband, I guess he could have been honest and shared the truth with me right then.

Today I am struggling with the thought that my husband cheated on me regarding his (a)sexuality. He was very well aware how difficult it was for me to cope and how much I had hoped for an improvement. And to honestly say that I could never again expect sex from him only after we had bought a house and got married, with the financial and legal ties that includes, made this feeling stronger.

Well, and as mentioned above, I am now a dedicated Christian who lives according to the bible as much as I can and understand it. Divorce would be accepted by the presbyterian church of which I am a member, and I feel that my husband has kind of broken the marriage by his not telling me in time so that I would generally feel I could have a divorce, according to Scriptures. But I would want to benefit from the advantages the large house etc include until I would in fact meet someone else. This also gives me a feeling of beeing selfish sometimes, and the again I feel that I have a right to do so because I had never got married with second thoughts.

[Ex-Christian]

Short Version

Long Version

A community for those leaving Christianity

Best wishes to all of you.

[me2]

I am a Christian also, and am asexual. While I understand how it feels to be asexual and your husbands feelings, it was totally inconsiderate for him not to discuss this matter with you before marrage.

In any relationship I had I always told my partner/boyfriend of my lack of interest in sex.

While some were understanding, in the end it never lasted. I honestly feel they thought they could 'change me" or satisfy me and make me interested in sex.

Your husbands deception about this matter should allow you to leave the marriage in good concience. Discuss it with your minister and go from there. Living in a marriage like this will only out more stress on both of you and will probably end eventually. You will not change him and he will not change you.

Good luck.

[shinermojo]

This is a tough one, which I unfortunately don't have an easy answer for. But I can at least share similar feelings. I'm a (very) sexual Christain man, and I've been married for over six years with almost no sex since the honeymoon. When we were first engaged we had sex some, but then decided to wait until we were married. Looking back, I wondered why it was so easy for her. Should have been my first clue...

My wife wasn't dishonest though, because she didn't realize what was going on either. Just like someone who goes through the first part of their life being straight because that's what they 'expect,' then start to realize they're attracted to the same sex after a while and it's a process to realize they're gay: it wasn't cut and dried for her. It's been a process. We've gone to a lot of counseling, and she doesn't think she's repressed or anything, she just doesn't get turned on. Duing the last few years, she's come to realize that she's just not into sex. I've hung in there all this time, and I still am. Sometimes I feel like God is giving me the grace to not need sex, and sometimes I get turned on and pissed off about it! All I can say is that I can identify with you, and you're not alone.

[tracy kellogg]

Is there any women out there that can relate to my relationship?

I am a Christian remarried woman who is sexual. My first husband was not a Christian and he had an affair and divorced me. I met a wonderful Godly man who was romantic, honest, funny and loving. We didn't believe in sex before marriage, so I admired his streght to absain from sex before marriage. However, on our Honeymoon I knew something wasn't quite right. I blamed his lack of desire on his being tired form the long drive, but over the years our sexual differences created problems. We went to several counselors and they always gave us assignments to help his sex drive. He did make an effort but always defaulted to not having sex at all. I was young, thin, attractive and aggressive sexually when he married me. I couldn't understand what was wrong with our relationship. I thought he might be Gay or that he was having an affair. Later in our marriage, I thought he might be getting his sexual needs met through Pornography. I always thought it was something wrong with Me. My self-esteem has been deeply affected by years of what I thought was rejection. I started turning to food full pleasure and gained weight. After, years of questioning and trying to figure him out, he told me that he doesn't like sex, that he never has. This wasn't a total surprize but now I have to deal with accepting him as an asexual person. We have two teenagers and are partners in ministry. There is no way I would divorce him, so I just need to know how to cope. Is there any women out there that is coping? How are you doing it?

[tracy kellogg]

and its nice to know that im not the only one. i was taking myself down with lack of self esteem thinking my husband of 25 years was having sex with everyone but me. i could not understand why other men hit on me but him. he says he loves me but is not attracted to me....most men say he has to be gay...did not make sense....i was looking in the wrong direction....i thought he was a sex addict that just hated me but playing me for a fool...never understanding why he hated me so much...thinking he had a hidden motive. never heard of asexual...many people mentioned it to me...but never really thought about it....never heard of it actually. tonight after reading sooooo much about it and him fitting the guidlines like a PERFECT model i asked him aif he ever heard of that word "ASEXUAL" he said NO. when i told him what it was....just as always when sex comes up...he had every excuse in the world to avoid it....they never ended...accused of picking on him yet i was being nice and i felt just i wanted some answers. i will never touch him like that again...my feelings are more important then his messed up past....i will probably stay married but ....being normal and thinking/knowing sex is the one of the best things in the world to do for more reasons then i can count i will take on a lover. this explains why he is always so stressed out...he needs to get laid...but its not going to be by me. as i had already known before i asked him....he thinks i am the sick one...cause i like sex and he has better things to do...lol....like read a book

[Sally]

Wow, Tracy -- you say you'll probably stay married? I can't see why since you obviously are furious with your husband and intend to find someone else.

[Diamond]

and its nice to know that im not the only one. i was taking myself down with lack of self esteem thinking my husband of 25 years was having sex with everyone but me. i could not understand why other men hit on me but him. he says he loves me but is not attracted to me....most men say he has to be gay...did not make sense....i was looking in the wrong direction....i thought he was a sex addict that just hated me but playing me for a fool...never understanding why he hated me so much...thinking he had a hidden motive. never heard of asexual...many people mentioned it to me...but never really thought about it....never heard of it actually. tonight after reading sooooo much about it and him fitting the guidlines like a PERFECT model i asked him aif he ever heard of that word "ASEXUAL" he said NO. when i told him what it was....just as always when sex comes up...he had every excuse in the world to avoid it....they never ended...accused of picking on him yet i was being nice and i felt just i wanted some answers. i will never touch him like that again...my feelings are more important then his messed up past....i will probably stay married but ....being normal and thinking/knowing sex is the one of the best things in the world to do for more reasons then i can count i will take on a lover. this explains why he is always so stressed out...he needs to get laid...but its not going to be by me. as i had already known before i asked him....he thinks i am the sick one...cause i like sex and he has better things to do...lol....like read a book

Tracey Kellog, I'm so sorry for what you've endured with your husband. I found this site about a month ago after exhausting all other possibilities of what could be wrong with my relationship with my boyfriend. We've been together over 4 years and although we had sex early on for the first 4 to 6 months, our sexual relationship dropped of pretty much completely after that time. He made every excuse in the world also. Tired, busy, headache, relationships should not be based on sex, when the mood is right, when I become a beter person, etc. etc. I too thought he was gay, but that got ruled out by some mutual gay friends. My boyfriend otherwise is a great guy; kind, caring, generous, thoughtful, successful, loving, but he just doesn't like having sex. I too thought it was me, maybe I'm not attractive enough, I don't turn him on, but if that were the case he would have found someone who did turn him on and I know he's not seeing anyone else. Unfortunately the ball is in my court, whether I will stay or leave. I do love him and don't want to give him up, but I know our relationship will not change. I gues I'm just prolonging the inevitable. Fortunately we are not married, nor do we live together or have kids. Although he wants to get married one day, there is no way under these circumstances we can.

[thecynicalromantic]

and its nice to know that im not the only one. i was taking myself down with lack of self esteem thinking my husband of 25 years was having sex with everyone but me. i could not understand why other men hit on me but him. he says he loves me but is not attracted to me....most men say he has to be gay...did not make sense....i was looking in the wrong direction....i thought he was a sex addict that just hated me but playing me for a fool...never understanding why he hated me so much...thinking he had a hidden motive. never heard of asexual...many people mentioned it to me...but never really thought about it....never heard of it actually. tonight after reading sooooo much about it and him fitting the guidlines like a PERFECT model i asked him aif he ever heard of that word "ASEXUAL" he said NO. when i told him what it was....just as always when sex comes up...he had every excuse in the world to avoid it....they never ended...accused of picking on him yet i was being nice and i felt just i wanted some answers. i will never touch him like that again...my feelings are more important then his messed up past....i will probably stay married but ....being normal and thinking/knowing sex is the one of the best things in the world to do for more reasons then i can count i will take on a lover. this explains why he is always so stressed out...he needs to get laid...but its not going to be by me. as i had already known before i asked him....he thinks i am the sick one...cause i like sex and he has better things to do...lol....like read a book

Slight etiquette/sensitivity tip: if you EVER refer to an asexual as "needing to get laid," you are not allowed to complain in any way, shape or form when you are flamed into oblivion.

Just a heads-up.

[AVENCakes]

I am a Christian also, and am asexual. While I understand how it feels to be asexual and your husbands feelings, it was totally inconsiderate for him not to discuss this matter with you before marrage.

Does her husband know he's asexual? Did he before marriage? A lot of asexuals don't think they're unusual or realize that they're asexual. If he didn't realize he was any different from anyone else, then he wouldn't've been able to tell her he was asexual because he wouldn't've realized there was anything to tell.

i will never touch him like that again...my feelings are more important then his messed up past....i will probably stay married but ....being normal and thinking/knowing sex is the one of the best things in the world to do for more reasons then i can count i will take on a lover. this explains why he is always so stressed out...he needs to get laid...but its not going to be by me. as i had already known before i asked him....he thinks i am the sick one...cause i like sex and he has better things to do...lol....like read a book

Where are you from, exactly? Just curious.

Anyways- You think he's asexual, as in he doesn't experience sexual attractiona nd really doesn't want sex, but needs to get laid. Do you also think people who don't like sweets need a candy bar? If he actually is asexual, then the last thing he needs to get laid. If it's simply because of his "messed up past" and intimacy issues, then you getting a lover (without his consent and you two coming to a compromise that works for everyone) is likely the last thing you need because being cheated on will hardly make him want to sleep with you more.

Honestly, though, if you think that his issues don't matter because you two can't find a way to communicate so that it stops hurting you, that you should take a lover, shouldn't try to fulfill his needs despite the fact that this isn't even a need for him, then you probably should reconsider staying married unless you two can start communicating a lot better than oyu appear to be.

[evanescence]

<<I couldn't understand what was wrong with our relationship. I thought he might be Gay or that he was having an affair. Later in our marriage, I thought he might be getting his sexual needs met through Pornography. I always thought it was something wrong with Me.>>

Your pain comes through loud and clear, and I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. You know what never ceases to amaze me? How those of you with sexually uninterested spouses (and there are many, on this and other boards) spend years torturing yourselves, wondering if it's this, if it's that, thinking of every possible "reason" except a naturally low interest in sex. From my perspective, it's hard to understand why this wouldn't occur to you. Did you believe that libido is uniform or near-uniform across the human species? Did you believe that sex and sexual arousal come easily to everyone? (These are sincere questions. I'm genuinely astonished.)

E.

[evanescence]

<<A lot of asexuals don't think they're unusual or realize that they're asexual. If he didn't realize he was any different from anyone else, then he wouldn't've been able to tell her he was asexual because he wouldn't've realized there was anything to tell.>>

Do you really think this is true? I realized very quickly, probably around age 12, that I was different from others sexually. Evidence of people's intense and genuine interest in sex was around me everywhere, all the time. (At the same time I encountered several other people with little interest in sex, so I knew I wasn't entirely alone.) It's a real stretch for me to believe that any asexual not living in a cave would honestly think others felt exactly the same non-interest in sex as he did.

JMHO E.

[Olivier]

You know what never ceases to amaze me? How those of you with sexually uninterested spouses (and there are many, on this and other boards) spend years torturing yourselves, wondering if it's this, if it's that, thinking of every possible "reason" except a naturally low interest in sex. From my perspective, it's hard to understand why this wouldn't occur to you. Did you believe that libido is uniform or near-uniform across the human species? Did you believe that sex and sexual arousal come easily to everyone? (These are sincere questions. I'm genuinely astonished.)

For me there are a few answers to that question:

1) Yes, when younger I really did think sexual attraction/arousal came easily to everyone. It seemed to for everyone I knew, although to a large degree people didn't really talk about it openly. I imagine that when it was discussed those with lower libidos just stayed quiet about it (or lied) rather than out themselves as different. I myself was less sexually experienced than most my age, and I certainly wasn't shouting it from the rooftops.

2) Many people also went through a period early in their relationships where the sex seemed normal. That certainly was the case with us. There are all sorts of reasons for that - the initial "rush" phase that all relationships go through, the hope that sex will work this time, or whatever. Many of the sexuals who come to AVEN have partners who themselves didn't know of their own asexuality. So the problem doesn't look like a naturally low libido, it looks like a fall in libido.

3) The other explanations, such as your partner losing interest because you're being lazy with your appearance, or not being romantic enough, or they've become more interested in or attracted to someone else, are all statistically far more likely than discovering that your partner is asexual. Also, those sexuals know that they would be more sexually attracted if their partner did more romantic things, or dressed more sexily, and so they figure that will work for their partners, too. While a naturally low libido is one explanation for low desire, it's certainly not the only one, and the others are potentially ones you can do something about.

[Olivier]

<<A lot of asexuals don't think they're unusual or realize that they're asexual. If he didn't realize he was any different from anyone else, then he wouldn't've been able to tell her he was asexual because he wouldn't've realized there was anything to tell.>>

Do you really think this is true? I realized very quickly, probably around age 12, that I was different from others sexually. Evidence of people's intense and genuine interest in sex was around me everywhere, all the time. (At the same time I encountered several other people with little interest in sex, so I knew I wasn't entirely alone.) It's a real stretch for me to believe that any asexual not living in a cave would honestly think others felt exactly the same non-interest in sex as he did.

And again, my wife didn't. She's not aromantic, so she felt attraction to men, but just figured it didn't have a sexual component due to her lack of sexual experience. And there were positives to sex for her - pleasing her partner, feelings of closeness - and so she did think that what she felt was normal. Still does, actually - she believes that most women have lower libidos than men, and even that most women feel no more sexual attraction than she does.

[AVENCakes]

Do you really think this is true? I realized very quickly, probably around age 12, that I was different from others sexually. Evidence of people's intense and genuine interest in sex was around me everywhere, all the time. (At the same time I encountered several other people with little interest in sex, so I knew I wasn't entirely alone.) It's a real stretch for me to believe that any asexual not living in a cave would honestly think others felt exactly the same non-interest in sex as he did.

I didn't realize that it was possible for people to be sexual until 17, which was after more than a year on this website. I still don't really accept it, it's just completely foreign to me that not only could people want something like that, but that so many of them do.

I've heard people say that they pretended to be sexually attracted due to peer pressure and always assumed that everyone else did, too, because the media tells you that you should be so if they can fake it why is it so unlikely for everyone else to?

[iff]

there are two choices

1) work on your differences and they are big ones and come to a compromise. some here have talked about how they allow their partners to sleep around

2) go for the easy option and get a divorce

[mindlife]

and its nice to know that im not the only one. i was taking myself down with lack of self esteem thinking my husband of 25 years was having sex with everyone but me. i could not understand why other men hit on me but him.

Only a sexual could hold this perspective.

he says he loves me but is not attracted to me....most men say he has to be gay...

No. He does not have to be gay.

never understanding why he hated me so much...thinking he had a hidden motive.

There is much about your husband that you do not know.

There is much communication here but it's not clear.

I would suggest that you show your husband our site and in particular, our FAQs.

The first issue you need to get to the bottom of is whether or not he loves or hates you. Just because he is not interested in sexual contact with you doesn't mean he hates you.

His intentions in the relationship are important. You seem to be unsure if he is a positive influence or a negative influence in your life.

You do not know if he means well or ill.

You must find out, and it will take more than his telling you up or down.

Whatever course of action you take, and you must take one, must depend on your impressions first. If you are in a relationship with a man who is a complete mystery to you, you should not allow it to continue. You should choose to live by yourself and get a divorce or an annulment.

[mindlife]

I always thought it was something wrong with Me. My self-esteem has been deeply affected by years of what I thought was rejection. I started turning to food full pleasure and gained weight. After, years of questioning and trying to figure him out, he told me that he doesn't like sex, that he never has. This wasn't a total surprize but now I have to deal with accepting him as an asexual person. We have two teenagers and are partners in ministry. There is no way I would divorce him, so I just need to know how to cope. Is there any women out there that is coping? How are you doing it?

Show him our site and our FAQs.

Ask him about his feelings again. It isn't just a matter of not liking sex. It has to do with how he defines relationships and understands intimacy.

Then get back to us.

[UltraViolet]

Had almost forgotten, the "favourite" excuse of my husband was that I was putting too much pressure on him.

To an asexual this is not an excuse - this is a valid reality. What may not seem to be pressure from you is indeed agony to us.

That I always wanted sex before he had a chance to want it and that he thought it would help solve the problem if I become more patient and wait until he felt like it.

Well, sexuals DO usually want sex before we have a chance to possibly want it (or at least agree to go along with it).

Eager to see the problem solved I tried to wait, but only to find that our sex life died a lot faster.

Sometimes it may die faster and sometimes it allows the asexual space to realize what their needs/ability to compromise are. After trial and error with a few realtionships I was able to realize that I could actually want/agree to sex about once a month.

Looking back, I see this demand for me to be more patient was very selfish of my husband, I guess he could have been honest and shared the truth with me right then.

I doubt your husand was being selfish - more like desperately trying to figure out what could work for him in a society that DEMMANDS that everyone be sexual - especially men.

[UltraViolet]

(tracy kellogg @ Jan 28 2009, 02:58 AM)

i will never touch him like that again...my feelings are more important then his messed up past....i will probably stay married but ....being normal and thinking/knowing sex is the one of the best things in the world to do for more reasons then i can count i will take on a lover. this explains why he is always so stressed out...he needs to get laid...but its not going to be by me. as i had already known before i asked him....he thinks i am the sick one...cause i like sex and he has better things to do...lol....like read a book

This sounds extremely rude and only shows a woman who is not willing to accept the reality of who her husband really is and seems to delight in berating him for it. Does your husband know that you consider your feelings more important than his? Since you seem so bitter against your husband for being who he is maybe you should do him a favor and divorce him. With attitudes like yours it is no wonder so many men will never admit to their lack of interest in sex. It is only when society not only understands but also stops ridiculing those who differ from the "norm" that all people can finally be open and honest.

PS - The old cliche about stressed people needing to get laid is just that - OLD and cliche - like a sexual old wives tale. By the way, telling an asexual that "he needs is to get laid" is just as offensive as telling a sexual to "just get over it and stop thinking so much about sex already".

[thylacine]

This is why I'm so glad I sleep with a cat.

Who the hell wants the constant annoying nuissance of someone else's "needs" -- whether the other party is male, female, or a reasonable combination of both.

And yeah, I'd rather read a book. In fact, I'd rather do a lot of things instead... do the laundry, dust the furniture, wax the car, clean the toilet bowl, all that stuff seems a lot more exciting & interesting to me.

[CrazyCatLover]

<<A lot of asexuals don't think they're unusual or realize that they're asexual. If he didn't realize he was any different from anyone else, then he wouldn't've been able to tell her he was asexual because he wouldn't've realized there was anything to tell.>>

Do you really think this is true? I realized very quickly, probably around age 12, that I was different from others sexually. Evidence of people's intense and genuine interest in sex was around me everywhere, all the time. (At the same time I encountered several other people with little interest in sex, so I knew I wasn't entirely alone.) It's a real stretch for me to believe that any asexual not living in a cave would honestly think others felt exactly the same non-interest in sex as he did.

JMHO E.

I honestly thought, until age 19, that sex drives didn't really develop until after a person had already experienced sex and found out how good it was. I'd like to add that I'm not an idiot, and don't live in a cave. I just come from a demographic that doesn't discuss sex and sexual urges openly very often.

To the OP, I feel very sorry for both you and your husband. This is part of the reason asexuality awareness is so important: so that asexuals can know they are unusual and so that sexuals can know that it really is not at all personal if an asexual is not sexually attracted to them. I want to emphasize that asexuals just simply don't feel sexual attraction towards anyone. It isn't about you, at all. He wouldn't find Angelina Jolie sexually attractive (she is supposed to be, right? :)). To be honest, I have trouble understanding why a person would want to be sexually attractive. I would absolutely LOVE it if NO ONE ever looked at me with sexual desire. But, on the other hand, I don't want people to think I'm ugly, so I suppose I do understand, in a way. I'm afraid I can't give you any practical advice, except to assure you that you probably are very sexually attractive. I wish you both the best of luck.

[AVENCakes]

Had almost forgotten, the "favourite" excuse of my husband was that I was putting too much pressure on him.

To an asexual this is not an excuse - this is a valid reality. What may not seem to be pressure from you is indeed agony to us.

I'm agreeing with this. I might be willing to have sex if I knew it made my partner happy, even if I didn't want to- but if they kept asking me for it I'd feel so awful or like they only wanted that that, after awhile, I wouldn't even be able to touch them.

Looking back, I see this demand for me to be more patient was very selfish of my husband, I guess he could have been honest and shared the truth with me right then.

He might not have known the truth, and might have been desperately trying to be normal and make you happy. If he knew that your pressuring only made him feel less willing to, then of course he'd ask you to stop so he could try to be more willing to at his own pace, without feeling the pressure of you or society.

And yeah, I'd rather read a book. In fact, I'd rather do a lot of things instead... do the laundry, dust the furniture, wax the car, clean the toilet bowl, all that stuff seems a lot more exciting & interesting to me.

If more people would rather do housework than have sex, I wouldn't feel so weird about using other peoples' showers.

He wouldn't find Angelina Jolie sexually attractive (she is supposed to be, right? :)).

My ex's friend (while we were together) insisted that even asexuals would want to sleep with some actress, and I think it was her. So, yes, supposedly she is. I wouldn't, by the way.

To be honest, I have trouble understanding why a person would want to be sexually attractive. I would absolutely LOVE it if NO ONE ever looked at me with sexual desire. But, on the other hand, I don't want people to think I'm ugly, so I suppose I do understand, in a way. I'm afraid I can't give you any practical advice, except to assure you that you probably are very sexually attractive. I wish you both the best of luck.

This is exactly how I am. I actually have to warn my partners not to use examples when they try to convince me I can be sexy, because I would immediately stop doing it. I don't want to come off as ugly, and don't think I am, but I don't want people to think I'm sexually attractive in any way.

[Lucinda]

This is exactly how I am. I actually have to warn my partners not to use examples when they try to convince me I can be sexy, because I would immediately stop doing it. I don't want to come off as ugly, and don't think I am, but I don't want people to think I'm sexually attractive in any way.

I don't care one way or another whether someone thinks I am sexually attractive. They can think so til their heart's content, but that doesn't mean I have to do anything about it. It's the same with someone who doesn't like my long long hair. That's their opinion. It doesn't mean I have to take any action such as shaving my head. I'll just skip along on my merry way and continue to do my own thing. :)

Lucinda

[thylacine]

I think of myself as "pretty" but not in a sexual way... I like to look good, but I'm not strutting down the street looking like a Victoria's Secret model, for instance.

[Shadow girl]

You did good marrying another Christian.

It sounds like you are getting on well.

[linjo]

Wow, that was the basic story I told on another AVEN topic: http://www.asexuality.org/en/index.php?showtopic=35715[/url]

We didn't have sex before marriage and I thought he was just a guy with a lot of character. Years later, my sister-in-law told me stories of him taking women to conventions, etc. and the women chased him around the bed trying to get him to have sex. Guess I was the lucky one!

If you read my story, we parallel in a lot of ways. I always felt ashamed like I had this deep dark secret. Guess we can give the media credit for some of that as they would have us believe everyone is having lots of sex. The funny part is that you would think my esteem improved when my husband died and I was free to persue other relationships, but I can't because it's like I still have this dark secret and I'm not worthy of another relationship.

I loved my husband in so many ways and I thank God daily for his life, but when he died, I buried my dear friend but not my lover.