Why do Aromantics want a relationship?

[Guest]

Ok well my answer made sense before you completely re-wrote your post.

A romantic desire is simply a desire to feel those feelings. Sexual desire can (and usually does) translate into an action, because sex is an action. Romantic feelings aren't an action. I understand that you're trying to tie it to an action because that's how it works with sex, but stop doing things backward. Stop trying to guess the form first and the fit the pieces in second. There IS no action to romantic feelings. They're just feelings. If you feel them, you're romantic and if you don't, you're not. It's that simple.

[Star Bit]

@-@ Sorry for that, i try to post once I'm sure i don't want to change anything, but half the time i end up clicking edit. Normally it's minuscule, but occasionally it's a major edit. I really hate it.

[Star Bit]

They could be anything... they could be romantic or aromantic. What kind of relationship a person wants tells you absolutely nothing about their romantic orientation.

Yes, wanting a QPR can happen to alloromantics too, but i was talking about aromantics (and should've specified).

But that's the whole point of an orientation, to tell people what you want.

"Hi, I'm asexual but i want sex"

"Hi, I'm aromantic but want romance"

"Hi, I'm gay but want to be with the opposite sex"

NO.

[Grace Barton]

I sometimes want to be in a relationship, mostly because I get lonely and become desperate for physical affection at times. It's the companionship, and just having someone to cuddle.

But the rest of the time... no. I like my personal space and the lack of emotional demand from me.

I've never been in a relationship, so I don't know what it's really like. But what I usually see from the people around me, there doesn't seem to be much benefit to being in a relationship. But as an aro, I don't know how a relationship can work unless it's a platonic relationship. In that sense, I don't think there is anyone who is 'right' for me since I don't really develop those kinds of bonds. I assume other aros have different opinions/experiences, but I can't fathom how it works.

[Chihiro]

They could be anything... they could be romantic or aromantic. What kind of relationship a person wants tells you absolutely nothing about their romantic orientation.

Yes, wanting a QPR can happen to alloromantics too, but i was talking about aromantics (and should've specified).

But that's the whole point of an orientation, to tell people what you want.

"Hi, I'm asexual but i want sex"

"Hi, I'm aromantic but want romance"

"Hi, I'm gay but want to be with the opposite sex"

NO.

Star, you are mixing things up. Anyway, if in your point of view Aromantics want only QPR, then answer from that point of view. Why are you even asking us if it is romantic or non-romantic relationship?

And I agree with "What kind of relationship a person wants tells you absolutely nothing about their romantic orientation". Suppose I were to tell you I only want QPR, what do you think my romantic orientation is?

[Guest]

They could be anything... they could be romantic or aromantic. What kind of relationship a person wants tells you absolutely nothing about their romantic orientation.

Yes, wanting a QPR can happen to alloromantics too, but i was talking about aromantics (and should've specified).

But that's the whole point of an orientation, to tell people what you want.

"Hi, I'm asexual but i want sex"

"Hi, I'm aromantic but want romance"

"Hi, I'm gay but want to be with the opposite sex"

NO.

These are just terrible, terrible examples. Jeeeesus.

I get it, you think that being romantic means you have to want a relationship, and being unable to feel romantic feelings means you can't want a relationship. I just think that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Just, totally baseless. Unless you have some good reason to assert that every romantic person wants the same thing and every aromantic person wants the same thing, you need to stop. You're making insanely arbitrary links between things that have no connection.

There is no WANT with romantic feelings. You have them or you don't have them. That's it. What kind of relationship you want is a separate issue entirely.

Basically, what you're saying makes so little sense, is based on nothing, and is supported by nothing, that unless you can make a good argument (and stating it is NOT making an argument), then you should put it to bed. Seriously.

Finally.

This hurts my head so much... I could write an entire book on why this one sentence is totally fucked: But that's the whole point of an orientation, to tell people what you want.

[Guest]

There is no WANT with romantic feelings. You have them or you don't have them. That's it.

Well... you can have the feelings but want to not have them... *sigh* -_-

But in the sense of what kind of relationship (in the broader sense of the word) one does or does not want, yes, I agree. People can be romantic and still prefer QPRs; sexual and still prefer celibacy, etc.. Sure, that's somewhat unusual, but it's definitely not unheard of.

[Snao Cone]

Aromantic people can want romantic relationships, which they fail at because they're aromantic and leave their partner out of boredom. Then that partner, a romantic person, can want a QPR because they're sick of poor outcomes of romantic relationships.

Romance is touted as something huge, as a major life experience that will pick you up off your feet. If I weren't such a cynical asshole with a point to prove I would probably be endlessly pursuing that romantic relationship. I would be comparing myself to cultural representations of it - because I've been told my whole life that I need to be picture perfect to pass the endless test of legitimizing my existence - and I would be failing all the time. People who don't desire romance and don't feel romantic love towards other people may still pursue it for a number of reasons that aren't true to their orientation.

And yes, asexuals do the same thing with sex.

And yes, gay people do the same thing with straight relationships.

In a wonderful and glorious world nobody would feel any pressure at all to pursue something against their internal desires, but I can think of a few things that aren't wonderful or glorious about this world we have now.

[Chihiro]

Aromantic people can want romantic relationships, which they fail at because they're aromantic and leave their partner out of boredom. Then that partner, a romantic person, can want a QPR because they're sick of poor outcomes of romantic relationships.

Romance is touted as something huge, as a major life experience that will pick you up off your feet. If I weren't such a cynical asshole with a point to prove I would probably be endlessly pursuing that romantic relationship. I would be comparing myself to cultural representations of it - because I've been told my whole life that I need to be picture perfect to pass the endless test of legitimizing my existence - and I would be failing all the time. People who don't desire romance and don't feel romantic love towards other people may still pursue it for a number of reasons that aren't true to their orientation.

And yes, asexuals do the same thing with sex.

And yes, gay people do the same thing with straight relationships.

In a wonderful and glorious world nobody would feel any pressure at all to pursue something against their internal desires, but I can think of a few things that aren't wonderful or glorious about this world we have now.

LOL, true. Thats how my world have been! :D You read my mind.

[Ace of Amethysts]

They could be anything... they could be romantic or aromantic. What kind of relationship a person wants tells you absolutely nothing about their romantic orientation.

Yes, wanting a QPR can happen to alloromantics too, but i was talking about aromantics (and should've specified).

But that's the whole point of an orientation, to tell people what you want.

"Hi, I'm asexual but i want sex"

"Hi, I'm aromantic but want romance"

"Hi, I'm gay but want to be with the opposite sex"

NO.

These are just terrible, terrible examples. Jeeeesus.

I get it, you think that being romantic means you have to want a relationship, and being unable to feel romantic feelings means you can't want a relationship. I just think that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Just, totally baseless. Unless you have some good reason to assert that every romantic person wants the same thing and every aromantic person wants the same thing, you need to stop. You're making insanely arbitrary links between things that have no connection.

There is no WANT with romantic feelings. You have them or you don't have them. That's it. What kind of relationship you want is a separate issue entirely.

Basically, what you're saying makes so little sense, is based on nothing, and is supported by nothing, that unless you can make a good argument (and stating it is NOT making an argument), then you should put it to bed. Seriously.

Finally.

This hurts my head so much... I could write an entire book on why this one sentence is totally fucked: But that's the whole point of an orientation, to tell people what you want.

Absolutely! Lack of interest does not negate ability. :)

Aromantic people can want romantic relationships, which they fail at because they're aromantic and leave their partner out of boredom. Then that partner, a romantic person, can want a QPR because they're sick of poor outcomes of romantic relationships.

Romance is touted as something huge, as a major life experience that will pick you up off your feet. If I weren't such a cynical asshole with a point to prove I would probably be endlessly pursuing that romantic relationship. I would be comparing myself to cultural representations of it - because I've been told my whole life that I need to be picture perfect to pass the endless test of legitimizing my existence - and I would be failing all the time. People who don't desire romance and don't feel romantic love towards other people may still pursue it for a number of reasons that aren't true to their orientation.

And yes, asexuals do the same thing with sex.

And yes, gay people do the same thing with straight relationships.

In a wonderful and glorious world nobody would feel any pressure at all to pursue something against their internal desires, but I can think of a few things that aren't wonderful or glorious about this world we have now.

You`re a cynical A-hole?! Squish over. :(

But seriously, although I`m in this situation myself, I still think it`s really depressing that sometimes cultural activities are so widespread that even people who don`t want to participate in them feel as if they`re forced to.

[Lord Jade Cross]

It's nice to see I'm not the only one who thinks these things.

[Ace of Amethysts]

Yes it is, Jade. :)

[Snao Cone]

You`re a cynical A-hole?! Squish over. :(

Hey, if you're gonna squish on me, you gotta squish on all my flaws too ;)

[binary suns]

oh, so I could only squish on your flaws then? :D

ps. what are flaws? o.O

[Ace of Amethysts]

You`re a cynical A-hole?! Squish over. :(

Hey, if you're gonna squish on me, you gotta squish on all my flaws too ;)

Hey, that was a joke. :D :lol:

[Snao Cone]

You`re a cynical A-hole?! Squish over. :(

Hey, if you're gonna squish on me, you gotta squish on all my flaws too ;)

Hey, that was a joke. :D :lol:

So was mine; I'm flawless. :D

[Tarfeather]

People have a right to not find it fun to get wasted with a sober person.

Likewise, people have a right to not find it fun when their sober friends get wasted. ^^' I really find the way my friends act when drunk everything but interesting.

[Tarfeather]

There is no WANT with romantic feelings. You have them or you don't have them. That's it.

We've had this argument before, haven't we.. But yes, I've been successful in eliminating my romantic feelings for people. It's certainly not as easy as *wanting* to, but wanting is the first step, and from there on it's a lot of hard work in interacting with your animal instincts.

But I do agree that the potential for romantic feelings is something we really can't do anything about. Either it's there or it's not. It's just, we can influence how that potential plays out in our minds.

[Kuebiko]

Why does anyone want a relationship? They're reasons, our reasons, are our own. People want company, someone to care, practical reasons like taxes, prison and hospital visitation rights, a bunch of things exclusive to couples or people in relationships. It's like asking why gay people wanted the right to marry.

For me, I just want someone who'll support me in whatever I do, within reason. Emotional support is quite high a priority for me. I need someone to keep me from self-destructing, among other things. I'm quite aware that this relationship will probably be very one-sided and honestly anyone who can put up with me is a saint but yeah, it's my ideal relationship for the time being.

And there's no absence of feelings. In fact, there's quite an abundance of joy and safety when I'm with my friends. There is, however, a distinct lack of romantic attraction.

[Snao Cone]

There is no WANT with romantic feelings. You have them or you don't have them. That's it.

We've had this argument before, haven't we.. But yes, I've been successful in eliminating my romantic feelings for people. It's certainly not as easy as *wanting* to, but wanting is the first step, and from there on it's a lot of hard work in interacting with your animal instincts.

But I do agree that the potential for romantic feelings is something we really can't do anything about. Either it's there or it's not. It's just, we can influence how that potential plays out in our minds.

Romantic love isn't animal instincts. It's largely cultural. I agree that it requires a lot of hard work, though; I'm not diminishing your point that you need to swim against your own emotional current to disassemble romantic feelings for the wrong person.

[Tarfeather]

There is no WANT with romantic feelings. You have them or you don't have them. That's it.

We've had this argument before, haven't we.. But yes, I've been successful in eliminating my romantic feelings for people. It's certainly not as easy as *wanting* to, but wanting is the first step, and from there on it's a lot of hard work in interacting with your animal instincts.

But I do agree that the potential for romantic feelings is something we really can't do anything about. Either it's there or it's not. It's just, we can influence how that potential plays out in our minds.

Romantic love isn't animal instincts. It's largely cultural. I agree that it requires a lot of hard work, though; I'm not diminishing your point that you need to swim against your own emotional current to disassemble romantic feelings for the wrong person.

That's a pretty bold hypothesis, although I can't really think of anything that would disprove it. Surely aspects of how it operates are animal instinct, still?

[jack616]

Interesting thread to read! Thank you all for sharing x

[Snao Cone]

There is no WANT with romantic feelings. You have them or you don't have them. That's it.

We've had this argument before, haven't we.. But yes, I've been successful in eliminating my romantic feelings for people. It's certainly not as easy as *wanting* to, but wanting is the first step, and from there on it's a lot of hard work in interacting with your animal instincts.But I do agree that the potential for romantic feelings is something we really can't do anything about. Either it's there or it's not. It's just, we can influence how that potential plays out in our minds.

Romantic love isn't animal instincts. It's largely cultural. I agree that it requires a lot of hard work, though; I'm not diminishing your point that you need to swim against your own emotional current to disassemble romantic feelings for the wrong person.

That's a pretty bold hypothesis, although I can't really think of anything that would disprove it. Surely aspects of how it operates are animal instinct, still?

Its roots are physiological, but it manifests in ways shaped by culture. Selection and protection of kin are of course fundamental parts of sustaining the species, which is what "animal instincts" means, no? Romantic feelings are far more complex than instincts, further down the path of intellectual and emotional capabilities of humans and framed in cultural and social contexts.

[Rising Sun]

There is undeniably a cultural part to romantic love, but why can't animal instincts be complex ?

[Snao Cone]

I didn't say they can't be complex. I said romantic feelings are more complex. They're not going to be as complex as the social constructs built around them over centuries.

[Tarfeather]

I don't know if it's really that much about social constructs. I know I resisted these social ideas of romance very actively as a teen. There was something else going on inside my subconscious that overruled those conscious efforts, and I'm not sure that it was social conditioning.

[Snao Cone]

Tarfeather, pretty much everything thing we do is shaped by social constructs. Language is a social construct and it's how we learn and represent almost all things. You're not free from social and cultural influence because you didn't pass love notes to girls when you were in high school.

You are not a feral child. Every part of you is somehow socially conditioned past sucking nipples before your eyes open for the first time after birth. (Don't take this 100% literally. It's a slight exaggeration for rhetorical purposes.)

[Lord Jade Cross]

Social constructs exist but they are not absolute. What dissolves them many times is being mindfull about your surroundings.

[binary suns]

i don't know anything about romance but i do get squishes and if I assume romantic crushes are quite comparable than I'd say romantic attraction has got to be pure instinct.

i would say cultural influences will affect us. and, that's not something unique to a specific culture in fact that's our social instinct, so even if romance were socially influenced more than the instinct of attraction that influence is instinct in inspiration

[Snao Cone]

Social constructs exist but they are not absolute. What dissolves them many times is being mindfull about your surroundings.

So if you're mindful of your surroundings, all of your feelings are without any influence from any source but your DNA? I know that's not what you mean, but your statementsounds like changing your perspective after contemplation breaks you free of everything that's influenced you up to that point of epiphany.