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Why do Aromantics want a relationship?


Chihiro

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Ace of Amethysts

Uh... for my view on this, look at my user profile. :)

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I was asking the OP if they were asking about platonic/queerplatonic relationships or romantic relationships.

Whatever relationship an Aromantic person wants to be in.

An aromantic cannot desire to be in a romantic relationship, that's just a normal romantic/Cupioromantic/Gray-romantic.

As for why aromantics want platonic or queerplatonic relationships, simply because humans are typically social animals and it's nice to have someone important in your life.

Aromantics can be in romantic relationships just like asexuals in sexual relationships, they just don't desire them.

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by "relationship," do you mean a romantic relationship or a qpr?

the reasons i find the idea of a qpr desirable are that i like the idea of someone who could support me emotionally, and who can provide the intimacy that i still desire, even if i don't want it in a romantic or sexual context.

as for a romantic relationship....i'm not sure if i'd go for it. i feel like it could serve a similar function (as a qpr), but i would worry a LOT about the romantic components. i think i would be pretty crap at providing romantic intimacy...which is pretty important to most romantics, so i feel like any romantic relationship i had would not last very long. :P i'm not unopposed to the idea as a compromise on providing and receiving emotional intimacy, i just think my inability to meet someone else's romantic needs might be a hindrance to a "successful" romantic relationship. :)
(i actually had a boyfriend back before i realized i was aro ace, and i really loved the intimacy and the fact that i had someone i could count on...but i was not very keen on/good with the whole romantic (or sexual) aspect.)

@OP: I guess it's just a matter of wanting a friend who will always be there and who you can completely rely on and who won't make you a secondary to their primary partner.

So this is the main reason why I would want a relationship. (Being on AVEN makes me forget that I don't have dedicated friends in my real life, LOL). But I still don't get how people decide on who will be their life-partner. WTF seems to have chosen the 'first person (friend) to ask her' as her partner.

ahhhh, you're looking for criteria. ummmm, pretty much anyone i feel an emotional bond with. i view all my friendships as very individual and unique, and don't consider any of them to be "better" or "worse," just different.

i feel like trying to quantify how i "decide on" a lifelong partner implies that by virtue of being a partner, that person is more valued by me- that i should decide carefully, because the partnership would follow conventional romantic guidelines. however, if i ever choose to designate someone as a partner, that wouldn't really change anything about our relationship (other than the increased commitment that i mentioned before) or the relationships i have with others. like, "choosing" a partner does not make them the end-all be-all of my platonic relationships, and therefore it's not a big deal if someone gets that designation (again, except for the fact that the expectations would be somewhat different). basically, that distinction is not so "sacred" to me. :)

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Aromantics can desire relationships. What makes someone romantic is the ability to feel romantic feelings toward a specific person... it has nothing to do with wanting a relationship, or what type of relationship you'd want. Romantics can be very anti-relationship. Feeling romantic affection and being relationship-inclined are two super different things.

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I don't.

Getting into a relationship has been a cornerstone of my life, even when I realized that I didn't especially want one. I grew up reading romance novels and being told over and over that dating was special, and I saw that it was. I liked it. But I didn't want it. But I do want it. I was taught that being in a "relationship" was an accomplishment and a sign of maturity. If a friend has a boyfriend, I feel like I need one. I sometimes feel ashamed to tell people that I'm not dating. I don't know if I can help myself from wanting a relationship, despite not wanting one.

A better answer? I want a relationship because it's hard finding people who won't move on from me as their romance with their significant other becomes more serious. I won't always be 20. It's not uncommon for 20 year olds not to be married. Will the only friends available to me when I'm near 30, 40, 50 be younger people who aren't expected to be in serious relationships? Hmm. I fear this. but I don't have many friends so it shouldn't make a noticeable difference.

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I have not been in any relationship obviously because I'm an aromantic, but I'm not opposed to trying one. I guess my only reasons to be in a relationship of some sort would be social ones. It would be nice to have someone around to talk to and share activities with without having to go out of your way to find people to socialize with. To me the experience would probably be the same as sharing an apartment with a close friend.

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Ace of Amethysts

I don't.

Getting into a relationship has been a cornerstone of my life, even when I realized that I didn't especially want one. I grew up reading romance novels and being told over and over that dating was special, and I saw that it was. I liked it. But I didn't want it. But I do want it. I was taught that being in a "relationship" was an accomplishment and a sign of maturity. If a friend has a boyfriend, I feel like I need one. I sometimes feel ashamed to tell people that I'm not dating. I don't know if I can help myself from wanting a relationship, despite not wanting one.

A better answer? I want a relationship because it's hard finding people who won't move on from me as their romance with their significant other becomes more serious. I won't always be 20. It's not uncommon for 20 year olds not to be married. Will the only friends available to me when I'm near 30, 40, 50 be younger people who aren't expected to be in serious relationships? Hmm. I fear this. but I don't have many friends so it shouldn't make a noticeable difference.

This, so much. All of us are taught to pursue romantic relationships to the point where even those who don`t feel romantic feelings feel like they have to pursue romance anyway because that`s what 99% of everyone is doing.

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I think I'd like a QPR because it seems nice to just have someone who's there for you and vice versa. Someone to hang out with, to travel with, to share a house with... Also, I feel like the few friends I have are moving on from me. Moving in with their SO, getting engaged... I'm happy for them, but it also makes me sad. I like doing things on my own, but I don't want to end up all alone and maybe meet up with certain friends maybe only once every few months...

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I'd say that there are two main reasons that I would consider a relationship (of whatever sort) desirable:

1. It is much easier to navigate life with two peoples' worth of resources (if one runs across hard times, the other can help them until they're back on their feet).

2. It would be nice to have one person who was a constant, consistent force in my life. Someone to come home to, share some passtimes with, and talk to. Basically, in my eyes, a "super-best friend" that you share life with (if that makes any sense). It would similarly be nice to be able to provide for the social needs of this significant other, whatever form those social needs would take.

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Lord Jade Cross

Aromantics can desire relationships. What makes someone romantic is the ability to feel romantic feelings toward a specific person... it has nothing to do with wanting a relationship, or what type of relationship you'd want. Romantics can be very anti-relationship. Feeling romantic affection and being relationship-inclined are two super different things.

Im curious. What do you mean by romantics being anti relationship?
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Being romantic and wanting, liking, or having relationships are separate issues. I have no relationship drive at all. I mostly hate them but I eventually realized that it's far more beneficial to create a functional one so someone's there to help you, etc. But if I end up in a relationship, it's because I was dragged into under notable protest, because given the choice between totally losing the person and a relationship, I accept the relationship. But I fight it the entire time... being with me is hard because I always have one foot out the door. They make me feel trapped and I have a very hard time pursuing my interests, success, etc, when I'm in them.

But I'm hella romantic. I fall for people all the time. That's another annoying thing about dating me... just because I'm with my partner doesn't mean I don't get swoony for other people. There's just no connection in my mind between feelings for someone and joining lives with them.

There are lots of people who will casually date but won't enter relationships for a number of reasons. It doesn't make them not romantic.

I'm surprised anyone would even question this. What does feeling all fuzzy and lovey about someone have to do with feeling like you want to be attached to them in some sort of formal living arrangement?

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Lord Jade Cross

I question what makes me curious or dont know. Also, I like stumbling upon people and ideals that are unconventional.

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I question what makes me curious or dont know. Also, I like stumbling upon people and ideals that are unconventional.

I don't know if you drink, but when I used to go out to bars and stuff, I learned that you can talk to almost anyone and as long as you remain friendly and express excited curiosity, they will tell you all kinds of crazy shit!!

I still remember one woman who said she was breaking up with her girlfriend that evening because her regressionist said that her girlfriend had lived far fewer past lives and needed time to catch up, so they couldn't be together right now.

People, man.

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The Great WTF

I question what makes me curious or dont know. Also, I like stumbling upon people and ideals that are unconventional.

I don't know if you drink, but when I used to go out to bars and stuff, I learned that you can talk to almost anyone and as long as you remain friendly and express excited curiosity, they will tell you all kinds of crazy shit!!

I still remember one woman who said she was breaking up with her girlfriend that evening because her regressionist said that her girlfriend had lived far fewer past lives and needed time to catch up, so they couldn't be together right now.

People, man.

And this is one of the reasons I love bartending. The stuff I hear is just awesome... when it's not making me lose my faith in humanity, of course.

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Lord Jade Cross

I question what makes me curious or dont know. Also, I like stumbling upon people and ideals that are unconventional.

I don't know if you drink, but when I used to go out to bars and stuff, I learned that you can talk to almost anyone and as long as you remain friendly and express excited curiosity, they will tell you all kinds of crazy shit!!

I still remember one woman who said she was breaking up with her girlfriend that evening because her regressionist said that her girlfriend had lived far fewer past lives and needed time to catch up, so they couldn't be together right now.

People, man.

Drinking is not my thing so I dont go to bars and nor am welcomed among those who do because it quickly turns into a "drink or get lost" type of scenario. At least from the many times people have invited me to drink and Ive declined, they have not taken the rejection too kindly. So I know its illogical to go somewhere where I will not emjoy myself nor be welcomed either. I look for my brain food in other places and through other methods.

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Drinking is not my thing so I dont go to bars and nor am welcomed among those who do because it quickly turns into a "drink or get lost" type of scenario. At least from the many times people have invited me to drink and Ive declined, they have not taken the rejection too kindly. So I know its illogical to go somewhere where I will not emjoy myself nor be welcomed either. I look for my brain food in other places and through other methods.

I don't get why people have this drink-or-get-lost attitude. Just because I don't drink doesn't mean I don't enjoy company. I mean even when we go out to restaurants, if I do not order a drink, the other person will not drink either. Even after I tell them I do not have any problems with them drinking!

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Lord Jade Cross

Drinking is not my thing so I dont go to bars and nor am welcomed among those who do because it quickly turns into a "drink or get lost" type of scenario. At least from the many times people have invited me to drink and Ive declined, they have not taken the rejection too kindly. So I know its illogical to go somewhere where I will not emjoy myself nor be welcomed either. I look for my brain food in other places and through other methods.

I don't get why people have this drink-or-get-lost attitude. Just because I don't drink doesn't mean I don't enjoy company. I mean even when we go out to restaurants, if I do not order a drink, the other person will not drink either. Even after I tell them I do not have any problems with them drinking!

I would like to know that myself. *shrugs*

The last time I tried going to a bar, the only thing I got was the door lady giving me a nasty look from entering till I left. I didnt order a drink, particularly because by this point i had already tried drinking and didnt like it.

Coworkers who have invited me out to drink have quickly changed their attitude from trying to be friendly to annoyed even though i decline politely. But their insistence only ends after several attempts to get me to drink and failing.

If anyone knows the why to that, please share it with me.

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Because you guys are no fun. Yes, I realize you enjoy company, but when we're drunk and playing, you sober folks are a bit of a buzzkill. I used to have a friend who would say the same thing... "I don't need to drink to have fun!" and I was always like "but I need you to drink to make you fun". The entire point is for a different, altered experience where ya'll act differently, get goofy and drunk... if you're not going to get drunk, then the whole "getting drunk" thing isn't going to work so well. It's like someone who wants to go on a climbing trip but doesn't want to climb. "But guys, it's fun for me to just watch!".

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Lord Jade Cross

So how is that any different to any activity in which you dont like participating in?

I'm not telling people not to drink, just that I don't want to. I don't think anyone has any right to try and force me.

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Have people literally held your head back and poured drinks down your throat? Because that's what forced means.

People have a right to not find it fun to get wasted with a sober person. And yes, it's the same as other activities in which you don't like participating... if you don't want to participate, stay home.

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Lord Jade Cross

That's what I do. I'm not intentionally trying to ruin anyones fun. But I dont like it so I dont see the point of being part of it. What bugs me is that people act like they have the right to force you to do it and subsequently ridicule you for not participating which is why I really don't like hanging out with people.

It's like if I told them to join me in an art museum and calling them uncultured when they declined. I may fine art fun but they dont and thats perfectly okay. I'm not gonna try to force them. One time asking and getting rejected is enough. But people dont usually do this.

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Because you guys are no fun. Yes, I realize you enjoy company, but when we're drunk and playing, you sober folks are a bit of a buzzkill. I used to have a friend who would say the same thing... "I don't need to drink to have fun!" and I was always like "but I need you to drink to make you fun". The entire point is for a different, altered experience where ya'll act differently, get goofy and drunk... if you're not going to get drunk, then the whole "getting drunk" thing isn't going to work so well. It's like someone who wants to go on a climbing trip but doesn't want to climb. "But guys, it's fun for me to just watch!".

Well I still don't get why people don't order drink in the restaurant when they are with me. These are people who have never gotten drunk in their life, and do not intend to get drunk at the restaurant. It is like any other food- just because I order vegan food, the other person doesn't really go vegan!

Also, when people go for drinks, they usually make sure that one person doesn't get drunk so that that person can drive them home. They might as well take someone who doesn't drink with them! That's what I would have done.

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I've decided that saying I want a relationship is counter to what i really want. i want a few specific interaction in my life, and if they all come from the same person great. if they come from different people great. if they only come for a few months than we split ways, whatever, those were great months ily have a wonderful life now. and the only restriction on how much of these interactions I can have is my time.

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Aromantics can desire relationships. What makes someone romantic is the ability to feel romantic feelings toward a specific person... it has nothing to do with wanting a relationship, or what type of relationship you'd want. Romantics can be very anti-relationship. Feeling romantic affection and being relationship-inclined are two super different things.

Yes, romantic attraction and romantic-drive are two different things, but with that logic an asexual can desire sex if an aromantic can desire a romantic relationship. Someone who does't feel romantically but desires a romantic relationship is not non-romantic (aromantic), they're Cupioromantic/a type of Gray-romantic.

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No, those are two very very different things. Being sexual and wanting sex are very much related. Romantic feelings and relationships are not. You're comparing apples to apples and then apples to oranges. Again, desiring a relationship has NOTHING to do with one's orientation in any way, shape, or form. It's completely and totally incorrect to say that the definition of romantic feelings is "desire for relationship". Here:

Sexual: Has the ability to and does feel sexual desire

Romantic: Has the ability to and does feel romantic desire

That's the proper parallel. Here's what you're doing, Star:

Sexual: Has the ability to and does feel sexual desire

Romantic: Has the ability to and does feel desire for relationship

Where'd the word relationship come from? Why is it there? What does feeling romantically toward something have to do with a relationship? Don't equate romantic drive with wanting a relationship. They're not the same at all. A relationship is a contract, which has nothing to do with feelings. Here's an off-topic example to illustrate:

I would say that someone who is hungry is someone who desires food. You're saying that someone who is hungry is someone who desires going to the store. But why? Going to the store is soooooo random and has very little to do with the feeling of hunger.

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Ah Skulls, I love you. In a very un-romantic way, of course. :D

As another example to what you said above... even before medication killed my "romance drive" in '07, I've been very much romance-repulsed while still being (hyper)romantic. The thought of being in a romantic relationship was horrifying to me, despite me having romantic feelings for lots and lots of women (and a small number of guys) all. the. frickin'. time.

There are romance-repulsed romantics, just as there are sex-repulsed sexuals. For obvious reasons, they won't want to actually be in a romantic (m.m. sexual) relationship, and will likely choose abstinence instead. It's a damn shitty and depressing position to be in, from my experience, but the combo does happen.

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I know you and I have both talked before about how we don't feel like our love/ romantic feelings are lessened by leaving the person to do their thing and just sort of admiring who they are. I know AVEN loves to play around with the idea of reciprocation as part of orientation, but IMO that's just personality. It's part of my personality to want to intrude as little as possible into the life, psyche, and habits of someone I admire. Doesn't make me not romantic. In fact, the whole "they're so great they don't need me for anything!" is part of romanticism for me. I don't, personally, understand how someone could love another person AND make demands on them. So yeah. Different personalities feel differently about relationships, which is totes separate from the romantic feelings.

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I never said romantic feelings were the desire for a romantic relationship. I agreed that those two things are two dicferent things. Secondly, how are you defining romantic desire?

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