Casual kissing vs romantic kissing for aromantics

[unicornia]

I started seriously realizing that I was asexual a bit more than half a year ago, which was like a big revelation that made everything in my life seem to make a lot more sense. By meeting the right people at the right time it somehow it also made me be more in contact with my feelings, and opening more up about my inner life to other people, which has truly been a blessing. It's amazing when you can actually explain to people how you feel, instead of just squishing your feelings together and try not to think too much about them because they don't make a lot of sense and you feel kind of fucked up and broken.

All this opening up, and being able to communicate my feelings have put me in a bunch of situations that are new for me (or rather made me dare trying to discover the real scope of me feelings instead of always running away because I had absolutely no idea what I was feeling or why), and I have, for example, come to realize that I really like to snuggle and cuddle, but at some point I also realized that I was very probably aromantic as well, more so than asexual (I'm probably more graysexual).

I think one of the reasons it took me so long to figure (I'm 26), both the ace and the aro part, is that I have absolutely no problems whatsoever with casual kissing (especially while drunk) and I am totally sex-positive (and I knew so, so little about both things). I don't really mind so much who I'm kissing, it has way more to do with the setting. If a group of people where to say, let's just kiss, all of us, and decide who is the best kisser, I would probably do it within a blink of an eye, no problem. Whereas sitting on a beach at sunset with a guy and then kiss would just feel totally weird. Sober, just forget about it, you are not getting a romantic kiss out of me. One of my good platonic relationships that I ended up learning a lot from in the end (and which was the time I started to realized I was aro), actually kind of started with a drunken kiss. The same day I had been thinking, this is going so well, I really like hanging out with this guy, I hope he doesn't kiss me... We never kissed again, but we'd share a bed and cuddle now and then (on my whims, plenty of nights I'd just prefer to have my bed all by myself), and before I told him that I really had absolutely no romantic feelings for him, one night he asked me why I had kissed him that first night (for the record, I told him I was asexual since the beginning). I told him because I was drunk, and he answered that he thought so.

We did have some conversations about him thinking or wondering that because I did it when I was drunk that it could be some kind of repressed desire or something. And I have been thinking about it a lot, and finally at some point I came to the conclusion that sure, I do like kissing now and then, but just for fun, for the connection of the moment. Sober settings just don't tend to be for fun, it's usually more "serious", and it usually involves more romantic feelings from the other person. And it just feels completely weird and unnatural for me.

I have come to realize that this feeling isn't just related to kissing, but things like holding hand and stuff as well. I don't mind holding anyones hand, I can grab my friends hands while speaking, I absolutely love to hug, it's all about the setting and what I *think* the other person get out of, or interpret the act.

Any other aros who experience the same actions meaning different things in different settings, and thus having problems doing them?

[m4rble]

Do have a problem with the act of kissing, or your partner's interpretation of the act? I personally like cuddling but I don't like the fact that it can be interpreted sexually in certain contexts.

I'm glad you're learning to understand yourself better. :)

[Sockstealingnome]

I'm afraid not (in terms of understanding). I'm not a physically affectionate person. Hell I'm not even a verbally affectionate person. I was part of a surprise birthday lunch for a friend today and when he asked why we all did it, one person said, "Because we love you." I realized I would never say those words. I'm the kind of person who would say something along the lines of, "Hey, that's what friends are for." And it's not as though I care less but I prefer to keep a much wider berth. I've had friends complain in the past that I'm distant and cold. To me there is no casual and romantic kissing. Kissing is always romantic. It's crossing a boundary I would never cross. I rarely initiate hugs with friends.

[Yumie]

For me personally, i feel like making out is too touchy and too romantic for my liking. I think that a light peck on the cheek or forehead occasionally is fine but everyone is different. Nobody will ever have the same type of feelings about something and that's okay.

[SkyWorld]

Oh, haha. I've yet to have kissed, unless you count a forehead kiss I got once that was pretty awkward... My personal space bubble is pretty wide too and I'm not too comfortable with people standing or sitting too close, let alone someone's face that close.

Though, I'm pretty open-minded. Compared to some things, I would give kissing a chance, but I'm pretty meh about it and don't really care much at all to have that experience. Kind of like a, "hey, if it happens, it happens" attitude. However, now that I picture it, it might be pretty awkward coming from me, like one of those "which one of these things doesn't belong" photos. :lol:

[unicornia]

Do have a problem with the act of kissing, or your partner's interpretation of the act? I personally like cuddling but I don't like the fact that it can be interpreted sexually in certain contexts.

I'm glad you're learning to understand yourself better. :)

I'm actually not 100% sure. What I do know is that I sometimes enjoy kissing, for a little while, the more casual the better, only in the state of drunkenness and preferably with people I don't know. I especially try to avoid kissing close friends, just not to complicate things and confuse them (and it has been like that since before I realized that I was aroace). I guess I don't have a problem with the act of kissing in and by itself, but I'm obviously more aware of all the connotations other people have with kissing and how it is perceived when both parts are sober, when I am sober. Which totally turns me completely off and makes me not want to kiss because I have absolutely no romantic, nor sexual attraction to the people I make out with, though I have found various of them fascinating in one way or another. I'm not sure if it actually makes any sense, hell, I don't really find it to make sense, but it seems to be the way I'm functioning for some reason or another.

[unicornia]

For me personally, i feel like making out is too touchy and too romantic for my liking. I think that a light peck on the cheek or forehead occasionally is fine but everyone is different. Nobody will ever have the same type of feelings about something and that's okay.

Actually, for me, sometimes a peck on the forehead can feel more intrusive and uncomfortable than a full on make out session with tongue and everything. It all depends on the setting, the person and the expectations somehow. The same guy I talked about in the opening post, I didn't really mind kissing him that night (I thought it was a really, really bad idea, for sure, even at the moment, and I wished he wouldn't try to kiss me to begin with, but when it first started, the kissing in itself I didn't mind), though in the weeks after, before I told him I didn't have any romantic feelings for him and that I thought I maybe could be aromantic, when he would kiss me on the forehead or give me an extra long hug or something, I would slightly cringe, and start to feel uncomfortable and caged in a way.

When I realized how I was feeling I told him, and I told him that I also really liked him, as a friend, and I loved hanging out with him. We had a few slightly awkward weeks, trying to figure out how to work things out, and how we would behave with each other. Slowly we worked it out and in the end we pretty much ended up just as before, but more relaxed, without the expectations, and with completely open communication about where and what we were . Sometimes we would snuggle together while watching movies, sometimes we would sit separately. Sometimes he would sleep over, sometimes spooning, sometimes not, but he completely stopped the kissing on the forehead, and the long, longing hugs (he would always ask me what I felt like doing at a any moment, the fact that we spooned last time he slept over, didn't necessarily mean that I wanted to do the same the next time). He stopped trying to make it into anything more, or anything definable for that matter, and I felt fine doing things that just some weeks earlier would have freaked me out. I felt free.

I'm afraid not (in terms of understanding). I'm not a physically affectionate person. Hell I'm not even a verbally affectionate person. I was part of a surprise birthday lunch for a friend today and when he asked why we all did it, one person said, "Because we love you." I realized I would never say those words. I'm the kind of person who would say something along the lines of, "Hey, that's what friends are for." And it's not as though I care less but I prefer to keep a much wider berth. I've had friends complain in the past that I'm distant and cold. To me there is no casual and romantic kissing. Kissing is always romantic. It's crossing a boundary I would never cross. I rarely initiate hugs with friends.

I actually understand where you are coming from quite well. I didn't use to be a very physically affectionate person either, nor verbally. I'm actually quite surprised by how I have changed, very slowly and gradually, over the past 8 years or so, to the point of becoming a very physically affectionate person.

[ChillaKilla]

I only have a problem if my partner has a romantic intent. If it's between friends I don't care.

[binary suns]

kissing is always the same thing for me. but, the context of the kiss, like, who is kissing me and why they are, definitely can be uncomfortable for me if it's clearly something romantic or something for them

[Squirrelylovessquirrels]

On 1/6/2016 at 6:54 AM, unicornia said:

I totally agree! I would make out with anyone at the drop of a hat but I hate when men hug me an extra long time or tell me they love me. I especially hated when my teacher touched my neck with his hand without my permission. I'm not even straight so a lot of that really freaks me out. I'm thinking I may be aromantic but just really like kissing and handholding. I never wanted to get married or bond off with someone. It just feels wrong to me to live with someone and sleep in the same bed and be monogamous and live the rest of our lives that way. But at the same time I long for a close relationship where we can satisfy each other's needs for platonic affection. And still be friends afterwards.

*Start Quote*

 

Actually, for me, sometimes a peck on the forehead can feel more intrusive and uncomfortable than a full on make out session with tongue and everything. It all depends on the setting, the person and the expectations somehow. The same guy I talked about in the opening post, I didn't really mind kissing him that night (I thought it was a really, really bad idea, for sure, even at the moment, and I wished he wouldn't try to kiss me to begin with, but when it first started, the kissing in itself I didn't mind), though in the weeks after, before I told him I didn't have any romantic feelings for him and that I thought I maybe could be aromantic, when he would kiss me on the forehead or give me an extra long hug or something, I would slightly cringe, and start to feel uncomfortable and caged in a way.

When I realized how I was feeling I told him, and I told him that I also really liked him, as a friend, and I loved hanging out with him. We had a few slightly awkward weeks, trying to figure out how to work things out, and how we would behave with each other. Slowly we worked it out and in the end we pretty much ended up just as before, but more relaxed, without the expectations, and with completely open communication about where and what we were . Sometimes we would snuggle together while watching movies, sometimes we would sit separately. Sometimes he would sleep over, sometimes spooning, sometimes not, but he completely stopped the kissing on the forehead, and the long, longing hugs (he would always ask me what I felt like doing at a any moment, the fact that we spooned last time he slept over, didn't necessarily mean that I wanted to do the same the next time). He stopped trying to make it into anything more, or anything definable for that matter, and I felt fine doing things that just some weeks earlier would have freaked me out. I felt free.

I actually understand where you are coming from quite well. I didn't use to be a very physically affectionate person either, nor verbally. I'm actually quite surprised by how I have changed, very slowly and gradually, over the past 8 years or so, to the point of becoming a very physically affectionate person.

 

[-Lex-]

No making out or anything for me.  Just quick pecks, if anything, from my partner.  I prefer forehead kisses over anything else.  We mostly just hug.  Hugs are the best!

[Apathetic Echidna]

I think as aros, what we are and aren't comfortable with and what feelings we aren't able to give, are very much based on what we understand as romance which of course is very individual. There are no finite rules of our internal views on whether or not a generally romantically-coded activity is or is not actually romantic. Obviously you see drunk casual kissing as a friendly thing, while kissing while sober in less group-social environments leans towards 'romantic'. 

 

I have no issues with European greeting kissing, it is a formal thing for me. The only times I kiss people on the lips they are family pecks or they are a sexual thing. 

On 06/01/2016 at 10:52 AM, unicornia said:

sitting on a beach at sunset with a guy and then kiss would just feel totally weird.

I would also feel totally weird as I never want to have sex on a beach so I would feel the kiss is completely out of place and I would probably be surprised by it, surprised in a bad way.

I generally don't care about what other people would think of my action in public, I control my actions based on what I think is and is not curtious public behaviour. Kissing is sexual so PDA is sexual which I think is impolite to expose strangers to. I am happy to hold hands, but I have friends who fear random strangers who see us will think us a couple and so they are uncomfortable with it. But then most of the time I am oblivious to romantic intentions so I probably wouldn't be uncomfortable about the other person in the kiss misinterpreting my intentions (basically be cause I wouldn't notice it )