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The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread

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sonofzeal
{snip}

Wow, I'm sorry you had to wait so long for an answer! I'm not an expert either, but here's my two cents.

I would think in this sort sort of situation, a physical barrier is best - a condom ideally, to keep fluids all in one place so they don't get where they aren't wanted, and using it this way should have a much higher success rate, since you can notice any tears or leaks immediately. A membrane or female condom could also work. I wouldn't recommend the pill simply because of how much it messes up your hormone system.

To be honest though, I think most of the "horror stories" are where people just didn't want to admit they were doing penetration, so I wouldn't worry about it too much. It's probably possible, but probably in the "win the lottery" category of likelihood, unless you're deliberately taking risks.

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Hpets
I would think in this sort sort of situation, a physical barrier is best - a condom ideally, to keep fluids all in one place so they don't get where they aren't wanted, and using it this way should have a much higher success rate, since you can notice any tears or leaks immediately. A membrane or female condom could also work. I wouldn't recommend the pill simply because of how much it messes up your hormone system.

Really? Many of my friends are on the pill, and the only effect I've heard reported from them is an absence of menstration (some of them are taking it primarily for that purpose). From what I've heard via my friends and my university biology class, the best way to go would be both pill and physical contraceptives. Unless I misheard, I don't think the pill is a particularly dangerous thing.

But the best way to know for sure is to speak with a doctor about it.

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Ellers
But if we're regularly doing non-penetrative stuff, should I be on the pill or him wearing a condom for that too?

If you are unclothed and his penis is touching, or even around, your vagina then should be using a condom. Men have 'precum' which can contain sperm and is produced when they are aroused.

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sonofzeal
Really? Many of my friends are on the pill, and the only effect I've heard reported from them is an absence of menstration (some of them are taking it primarily for that purpose). From what I've heard via my friends and my university biology class, the best way to go would be both pill and physical contraceptives. Unless I misheard, I don't think the pill is a particularly dangerous thing.

But the best way to know for sure is to speak with a doctor about it.

The Pill is widely used, but any tampering with hormone balance always has side-effects. Excess estrogen (the main active ingredient in The Pill) is often linked to weight gain and breast cancer, and last I heard current research is conflicted on the exact dangers (and given how much of it is likely tied up with donations from concerned companies, I'm rather skeptical). Anyway, the general medical consensus is that's it's probably bad for you, just not as bad as actually giving birth in most cases. Still, it's not something I can in good conscience recommend to someone who probably doesn't need it.

But yes, if you absolutely 100% don't want to get pregnant, Pill + Condoms is your best bet.

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Placebo

Thanks for the discussion, guys! Sorry I didn't notice the responses for a bit. After discussion with my health care provider and some unofficial internet reading and discussion with you guys and the folks over at Apositive and my partner, we decided the following: So far we've been using a condom, but I'm going to try the pill also for a couple of months and see what the side effects are like. If they're not bad, I'll probably stay on that as a backup. If they are, we'll either just use a condom or look at some extra female barrier type thing or maybe the nuva ring. Fortunately, I have health insurance that drops the cost of prescriptions, so one month of The Pill is like $5, which I think is a fairly cost-effective experiment. ;)

Ironically, my partner is a little concerned that I'm going to lose my 'libido' from going on the pill. We still have slightly different definitions of the word, apparently, because based on my definition, I don't have sexual desire, only physical. :)

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Jill Bug

OK, here's a question for sexuals as I don't think it's appropriate to start a thread for it:

What would you think of a prospective partner who didn't want to have sex before marriage? Especially if they were not religious? Marriage is the only circumstances under which I would be willing to have sex, but even before I identified as asexual I felt that premarital sex is wrong. I also seem to get a more negative reaction when I tell people that I don't believe in sex before marriage, than when I explain about being asexual :blink:

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Olivier
OK, here's a question for sexuals as I don't think it's appropriate to start a thread for it:

What would you think of a prospective partner who didn't want to have sex before marriage? Especially if they were not religious? Marriage is the only circumstances under which I would be willing to have sex, but even before I identified as asexual I felt that premarital sex is wrong. I also seem to get a more negative reaction when I tell people that I don't believe in sex before marriage, than when I explain about being asexual :blink:

I guess the answer is the same as for all non-trivial questions: "It depends."

Different people have different attitudes to premarital sex, from strongly anti- (those who feel sex = commitment) to strongly pro- (those who feel it's essential to confirm sexual compatibility so that commitment is made fully informed) and everywhere in between. And for those who are not wedded to one end of the spectrum or the other, it would still depend on knowing and respecting your position, and realistically evaluating how they would feel about waiting. And of course it depends on how much they love you and/or are prepared to make sacrifices, or potential sacrifices, for you.

These days, most people of course do not wait. And by and large, people's experiences with pre-marital sex are positive - mine certainly all were - which can lead to questioning the value of waiting. Also, if a partner has already gone through the initial "discovery and experimentation" phase of discovering their sexuality (which can be awkward or confusing) and arrived at a place where they are comfortable with sex as an enjoyable, intimate and unremarkable part of a close emotional relationship, then it can seem like a step backwards to invest the distinction of its presence or absense in that relationship with a significance that they no longer feel themselves.

Taking asexuality out of the equation (which it is if you haven't disclosed it), then as a sexual, I would be curious as to the motivations of a partner who, pre-marriage, wanted to have the intimacy and emotional connections, but not sex. Not suspicious, but curious. And I'd probably want to reassure myself that the reluctance to have pre-marital sex really wasn't the result of some strange hangups, and that if my partner claimed that it was just that they needed the absolute commitment of marriage to be comfortable with having sex, I'd really need to build up a trust that that was actually true.

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Busrider

(edit) Olivier's answer is much better than what I typed after a night's sleep.

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evanescence

<<Actually, a girl can experiance up to five different TYPES of orgasm, belive it or not. Clitoral orgasm is the most easy to reach, especially if its by yourself (Its the only one IV ever been been able to accomplish) vaginial orgasm, and g-spot orgasm as the the next two. They are orgasms that feel completly different and in a different place. Then there is anal orgasm which is even harder for a girl to get to.... but is possible. And SOME girls can orgasm from breast stimulation, though that is extremely rare. >>

As far as know from my reading, observation and experience, all these different orgasms you describe are still clitoral, in that the peak of nervous build-up and feeling occurs in the clitoris. As a previous poster said, some positions can stimulate the clitoris indirectly. When you're vaginally or anally stimulated to orgasm, it may FEEL different from an orgasm from direct clitoral stimulation, but the physiological buildup occurs in the clitoris. It's possible to orgasm not only from breast stimulation (as you pointed out) but from pure fantasy, which doesn't make it a "fantasy" orgasm. The seat of orgasm is still the clitoris. In other words, a woman who doesn't have a clitoris can't have an orgasm. A woman who does have a clitoris can reach orgasm through all kinds of stimulation (depending on what turns her on) and (for some particularly arousable women) through imagery or fantasy.

Evanescence

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MetroChumpy

Not sure if this is the best place for this, but heck, I figure a sexual is probably the best person to ask this.

I've been in a relationship with a great guy for almost 10 months now. For a little over half that period of time the relationship has been sexual, though very rarely. I usually come up with an excuse to avoid it, but I've never admitted a dislike of sex, for fear of hurting him or his confidence. Until very recently (a month or so ago) I wasn't even aware of asexuality, I just thought I was kind of odd and I'd put up with it because it pleases him and he enjoys it. But now I know I'm not the only one, and I know I need to talk to him about it. So my question is...how do I start this conversation? What do you feel is the best way to "come out" to him? Do I avoid the ever-dreadful "We need to talk"? Do I just come right out and say it? How would you prefer to hear this news?

Hopefully this isn't too dumb of a question.

Thanks for your time!

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AVENCakes
I've been in a relationship with a great guy for almost 10 months now. For a little over half that period of time the relationship has been sexual, though very rarely. I usually come up with an excuse to avoid it, but I've never admitted a dislike of sex, for fear of hurting him or his confidence. Until very recently (a month or so ago) I wasn't even aware of asexuality, I just thought I was kind of odd and I'd put up with it because it pleases him and he enjoys it. But now I know I'm not the only one, and I know I need to talk to him about it. So my question is...how do I start this conversation? What do you feel is the best way to "come out" to him? Do I avoid the ever-dreadful "We need to talk"? Do I just come right out and say it? How would you prefer to hear this news?

I'm not sexual nor an expert on relationships, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but I'm guessing it's the same as with transsexuality. Test the waters by bringing it up. He might guess you are, if he doesn't you'll at least find out if he's heard of it, what he thinks of it, etc. That way at least when you tell him about it it won't be totally new to him.

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sonofzeal
Not sure if this is the best place for this, but heck, I figure a sexual is probably the best person to ask this.

I've been in a relationship with a great guy for almost 10 months now. For a little over half that period of time the relationship has been sexual, though very rarely. I usually come up with an excuse to avoid it, but I've never admitted a dislike of sex, for fear of hurting him or his confidence. Until very recently (a month or so ago) I wasn't even aware of asexuality, I just thought I was kind of odd and I'd put up with it because it pleases him and he enjoys it. But now I know I'm not the only one, and I know I need to talk to him about it. So my question is...how do I start this conversation? What do you feel is the best way to "come out" to him? Do I avoid the ever-dreadful "We need to talk"? Do I just come right out and say it? How would you prefer to hear this news?

Hopefully this isn't too dumb of a question.

Thanks for your time!

I tend to be fairly direct about things, and the person who introduced me to asexiness was direct about it and it worked (obviously, since I'm here now). Testing the waters is never bad though; I might be tempted to bring it up as a sort of idle-speculation-hypothetical thing, if you can pull that off. "So, I heard about this 20/20 thing on asexual people, did you see that? It was a pretty interesting watch, sometimes I think I have more in common with them than those horndogs at school/work/whatever." That brings it up in a much more casual way, lets them get used to the idea of you in that context, and lets you get a clear view of their opinion before you make it official.

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Niemand

So, this feels like a really stupid question, but for the average sexual, do they generally have to be sexually attracted to someone before going out on a date with them? I was talking with my friend and she said that while sexual attraction isn't required for a first date you "should" have it for the other person because it "certainely helps" or something like that. I'm curious if other people agree with this or whether this is purely her point of view.

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sonofzeal
So, this feels like a really stupid question, but for the average sexual, do they generally have to be sexually attracted to someone before going out on a date with them? I was talking with my friend and she said that while sexual attraction isn't required for a first date you "should" have it for the other person because it "certainely helps" or something like that. I'm curious if other people agree with this or whether this is purely her point of view.

That sounds fairly accurate. I mean, you generally need some form of attraction for dating to be worthwhile, and for most people sexual attraction develops faster and more easily than romantic attraction. So, most relationships between sexuals will start on a basis of some level of sexual tension between the two, and develop from there. There's plenty of exceptions though, especially if the two people involved got along well as friends before dating.

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emmarainbow

I've seen sexual people try and base a relationship on friendship alone, but it's never really taken off because of that lack of attraction - or possibly the continuing attraction to other people.

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sonofzeal
I've seen sexual people try and base a relationship on friendship alone, but it's never really taken off because of that lack of attraction - or possibly the continuing attraction to other people.

Oh, of course. What I meant by bringing up prior friendships was that, at least sometimes, romatic attraction can develop there and lead to good relationships. Same with anything where the two people can spend some time together before moving into a relationship setting. But trying to force it when there's no pre-existant sexual/romantic/whatever attraction is a recipe for disaster, unless you're into the whole Arranged Marriage thing.

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Unsure

First of all, hello again since I've been away since forever. ^_^

Now, I'm asking more for an opinion since I think this might not have a definite question but....

People talk about early bloomers and late bloomers all the time. So how old this late bloomer would be? I mean, would it have an average age for late bloomers or it could happen when you are 99 years old?

And, speaking about blooming, how does it work?

Thanks.

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sonofzeal
First of all, hello again since I've been away since forever. ^_^

Now, I'm asking more for an opinion since I think this might not have a definite question but....

People talk about early bloomers and late bloomers all the time. So how old this late bloomer would be? I mean, would it have an average age for late bloomers or it could happen when you are 99 years old?

And, speaking about blooming, how does it work?

Thanks.

You might find this informative.

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Unsure

Oh.... Okay, so, am I right to assume then, since the article talks about "biology", that any sexual thinking should accour by then? And if you have already been thru puberty, as in body fully developed, and has no sexual interest than I could assume I am asexual?

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Hallucigenia
Oh.... Okay, so, am I right to assume then, since the article talks about "biology", that any sexual thinking should accour by then? And if you have already been thru puberty, as in body fully developed, and has no sexual interest than I could assume I am asexual?

Well, you have to be careful what you mean by "body fully developed". The article mentions girls reaching their adult height by 14.5 years, but a 14.5-year-old girl doesn't tend to look like a grownup yet. I would suspect that most 14.5-year-old girls already know they are sexual, but I'm pretty sure I recall AVENites discovering they were "late bloomers" at 16, 18, or even 20 or 21 (not sure if anyone's discovered it later than that). Remember, there are always outliers.

Mind you, my psychology textbook said that the average age of first sexual attraction was ten and a half, but I'm going to ignore that because it freaks me out.

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Unsure
Well, you have to be careful what you mean by "body fully developed". The article mentions girls reaching their adult height by 14.5 years, but a 14.5-year-old girl doesn't tend to look like a grownup yet. I would suspect that most 14.5-year-old girls already know they are sexual, but I'm pretty sure I recall AVENites discovering they were "late bloomers" at 16, 18, or even 20 or 21 (not sure if anyone's discovered it later than that). Remember, there are always outliers.

Mind you, my psychology textbook said that the average age of first sexual attraction was ten and a half, but I'm going to ignore that because it freaks me out.

O_O That piece of information also freaks me out. Not to mention I caught my 7 year old cousin flirting with a WOW character. (dont even ask)

I'm almost 24 so I cant expect to grow any further. Althought a few centimeters would be good. ;] Anyway, these things are too complicated. I never thought I'd think so much about it. I guess it's because everyone is always talking about dating and stuff so it makes one wonder.

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Solodancer1
Oh.... Okay, so, am I right to assume then, since the article talks about "biology", that any sexual thinking should accour by then? And if you have already been thru puberty, as in body fully developed, and has no sexual interest than I could assume I am asexual?

Well, you have to be careful what you mean by "body fully developed". The article mentions girls reaching their adult height by 14.5 years, but a 14.5-year-old girl doesn't tend to look like a grownup yet. I would suspect that most 14.5-year-old girls already know they are sexual, but I'm pretty sure I recall AVENites discovering they were "late bloomers" at 16, 18, or even 20 or 21 (not sure if anyone's discovered it later than that). Remember, there are always outliers.

Mind you, my psychology textbook said that the average age of first sexual attraction was ten and a half, but I'm going to ignore that because it freaks me out.

I'm going to question your sources, as I've studied the topic of development quite a bit and the general consensus is that US females reach their full height at 17.5, not 14.5, males a year and a half later. Studies usually find the age of first sexual attraction to be 15-16 for girls, 13-14 for boys. Ten is totally out of range. I've never heard anyone even suggest anything close to that young as normal. Preadolescent pubescent development is generally considered 10-13 or so for girls, 11-14-ish for boys, then pubescent adolescence (still officially part of childhood) is about 13 or 14 to 16, 17 or 18. Post-pubescent adolescence is officially part of early adulthood and goes to age 21 or thereabouts. The body does continue developing into the mid-30's. These ages are among the earliest in the world and in history, due to increased calorie intake and hormones in food.

Biologists continue debating the pubertal interval (menarche to fertility) with some denying its existence and saying child-brides just have less sex or something, others saying it's established as are the reasons for it, but all agree that female fertiltiy peaks at about 23-24 years of age. I would define 23 as full development based on that fact.

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Hallucigenia

Well, that's a relief, Solodancer. *glowers at her psychology textbook*

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mad_scientist

I have a question for sexuals. Everything I know about human sexual attraction has come from popular media and observation of other couples. I assume the media/entertainment industry exaggerates it like with everything else. My question is, is exual attraction really as much of an influence over thoughts and actions as pop culture would have us believe, or are they just being sensationalistic? Can it really lead people to make the idiotic sorts of decisions you hear and read about (like jeapordising a career for a fling)?

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Olivier
I have a question for sexuals. Everything I know about human sexual attraction has come from popular media and observation of other couples. I assume the media/entertainment industry exaggerates it like with everything else. My question is, is exual attraction really as much of an influence over thoughts and actions as pop culture would have us believe, or are they just being sensationalistic? Can it really lead people to make the idiotic sorts of decisions you hear and read about (like jeapordising a career for a fling)?

It certainly can lead people to do idiotic things like jeopardising a career for a fling, and you don't need to look to pop culture to see evidence of that, just the news.

Having said that, that's one end of a wide spectrum, and popular culture does exaggerate how many people are at that end of the spectrum. For most people the influence of sex is far less than that, and their sex lives more modest (but a TV scriptwriter call them "dull" :rolleyes:) Most people in real life don't have quite the craving for drama in their lives, the way entertainment producers do.

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mad_scientist
I have a question for sexuals. Everything I know about human sexual attraction has come from popular media and observation of other couples. I assume the media/entertainment industry exaggerates it like with everything else. My question is, is exual attraction really as much of an influence over thoughts and actions as pop culture would have us believe, or are they just being sensationalistic? Can it really lead people to make the idiotic sorts of decisions you hear and read about (like jeapordising a career for a fling)?

It certainly can lead people to do idiotic things like jeopardising a career for a fling, and you don't need to look to pop culture to see evidence of that, just the news.

Having said that, that's one end of a wide spectrum, and popular culture does exaggerate how many people are at that end of the spectrum. For most people the influence of sex is far less than that, and their sex lives more modest (but a TV scriptwriter call them "dull" :rolleyes:) Most people in real life don't have quite the craving for drama in their lives, the way entertainment producers do.

I know people on the internet who can turn something totally random into a sexual reference. For instance, we were discussing a double helix tattoo and one guy said "I don't know about a tattoo, but it would make a really interesting transparent dildo". Is it common for non-asexuals to connect random stuff to sex all the time like this? Or are these people just pretty extreme in their sexual obsession?

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Olivier
I know people on the internet who can turn something totally random into a sexual reference. For instance, we were discussing a double helix tattoo and one guy said "I don't know about a tattoo, but it would make a really interesting transparent dildo". Is it common for non-asexuals to connect random stuff to sex all the time like this? Or are these people just pretty extreme in their sexual obsession?

Especially amongst a young crowd, that sort of thing gets attention. Some people are pretty extreme in craving attention. I'd put it down to an attention seeking habit, rather than a sex obsession per se.

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mad_scientist
I know people on the internet who can turn something totally random into a sexual reference. For instance, we were discussing a double helix tattoo and one guy said "I don't know about a tattoo, but it would make a really interesting transparent dildo". Is it common for non-asexuals to connect random stuff to sex all the time like this? Or are these people just pretty extreme in their sexual obsession?

Especially amongst a young crowd, that sort of thing gets attention. Some people are pretty extreme in craving attention. I'd put it down to an attention seeking habit, rather than a sex obsession per se.

I'm pretty sure this guy is in his 40s or 50s, and married with kids, but okay. Some of the others seemed to find it quite funny.

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AVENCakes
"So, I heard about this 20/20 thing on asexual people, did you see that? It was a pretty interesting watch, sometimes I think I have more in common with them than those horndogs at school/work/whatever."

Depending on how he feels about the term, you might want to avoid the term 'horndogs' in case he might take it as "you think I'm a horndog?""

O_O That piece of information also freaks me out. Not to mention I caught my 7 year old cousin flirting with a WOW character. (dont even ask)

I don't remember how old she was, but she might've been 9 or younger- but my little cousin and I were playing with her Bratz dolls and she ended up veering it into a sex and teen pregnancy story. I was, um, disturbed by it. And a friend says her dad knew she was bi when she was 3 (SHE didn't know until her teen years and came out a few years later).

Biologists continue debating the pubertal interval (menarche to fertility) with some denying its existence and saying child-brides just have less sex or something, others saying it's established as are the reasons for it, but all agree that female fertiltiy peaks at about 23-24 years of age. I would define 23 as full development based on that fact.

Er.... do you know how transsexual transition would effect this? I mean, you already went through one puberty. Your breasts and hips won't totally shrink (the fat might move, but not totally), you probably won't get taller- but things are growing and changing. COULD taking Testosterone prolong the "late bloomer" interval and have it turn out you are one at the end?

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Collin

Hi i am an asexual and im in a relationship with a very sexual woman

i dont particularily mind having sex with her although i feel she puts it in far too high of importance (she can barely sit through a movie without doing something).

I am new to the site as i just saw it in the st catharines standard today.

anyways i was just wondering how to make this work because she always wants to do sexual stuff but i am often cut off by her if we are discussing something.

she said she was going to try to cut back and compromise with me a little however sure enough les than an hour later...

i was just looking for any advice on how we can make this work...

like i said i do not mind having sex with her but i feel we are wasting a lot of our together time with it

sorry this might not be the right place but its all i found

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