The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread

[Ceebs]

26 minutes ago, Alex Bailey said:

Is sex better when you were attracted to them in the first place?

I would think 'yes' would be an almost universal answer to that. I mean, I've never even had any type of sexual interaction with anyone I wasn't ever attracted to at all. I've had sex with someone I'd lost attraction to by that point though, and that was one of several factors that made it not that great. It's pretty difficult for most people to muster desire for sex with someone to whom they feel no attraction. 
 

Is there a specific type of situation you were thinking of, where someone would choose to have sex without having ever been attracted to the person they're having sex with? Obviously it does happen... drunken bad decisions, sex workers making a living, pressure from society or other specific people (like perhaps to lose one's virginity or something), whatever. Just curious if you had a scenario in mind you were wondering about.

[Alex Bailey]

1 hour ago, Ceebs said:

I would think 'yes' would be an almost universal answer to that. I mean, I've never even had any type of sexual interaction with anyone I wasn't ever attracted to at all. I've had sex with someone I'd lost attraction to by that point though, and that was one of several factors that made it not that great. It's pretty difficult for most people to muster desire for sex with someone to whom they feel no attraction. 
 

Is there a specific type of situation you were thinking of, where someone would choose to have sex without having ever been attracted to the person they're having sex with? Obviously it does happen... drunken bad decisions, sex workers making a living, pressure from society or other specific people (like perhaps to lose one's virginity or something), whatever. Just curious if you had a scenario in mind you were wondering about.

Like I've only known I was ace for a year or two, and I know it's not supposed to feel like I'm missing out, and I know a lot of ace people enjoy sex anyway, so is having sex but no sexual attraction 'missing out'

[Olallieberry]

4 hours ago, Alex Bailey said:

Is sex better when you were attracted to them in the first place?

 

4 hours ago, Liara said:

Sex is better when you have a connection with your partner, obviously.

That's how I'd answer it, too.

 

Attraction isn't a connection, and I've had sex with people I was attracted to but not connected to, and with people I was connected with but not strongly attracted to.

 

And the connection is more important than the attraction is, for making the sex good.

 

In my experience it can be said that connection can create attraction. But attraction can't create connection, all it can create is a motivation to become connected.

 

And sex is a way to do that.

 

Having sex with someone usually makes me both more attracted and more connected to them.

[fantastic mx. foxglove]

TW for the mention of illicit sexual relations

 

Spoiler

What's with the "mommy" and "daddy" thing? My hypothesis was that the forbiddeness of the thought of screwing someone related to you is what makes it erotic. Is this the case? Or is the truth far less incest-y?

 

[Liara]

I must admit I never understood the Daddy kink. I can use it as a joke but in a real situation I think it would kill the mood.

[Ceebs]

It's usually a kink thing, generally part of BDSM, but despite being into some degree of that myself, those terms are a very hard no for me. Thankfully not Tele's thing either haha. Not only because both of us have/had difficult relationships with our parents (my family dynamic is just really really unhealthy, his mother was extremely abusive), but that certainly makes it way less appealing.

 

I don't think for most people it has anything whatsoever to do with incestuous desires, though. I still don't get the appeal myself, but that's... heartening to know... at least. I think people see it as kind of symbolically representative of the Dom/sub dynamic. Terms like 'daddy' and 'mummy' are ways you'd address someone (a parent) who was in a position of more power, but most people who like those words in a sexual context (where of course any power dynamic is consensual and actively desired) don't actually relate them to anything truly familial. Obviously some people do have incest kinks/fantasies, but that's really not the majority. 

[Olallieberry]

It's not just one thing.

 

For some people, it's about incest.

 

For others, it's about something else entirely.

 

For still others, it isn't anything at all, except maybe "ick"

[Windmills of My Mind]

It is most certainly not a "thing" for me. No background as explicit as explained by Ceebs, nevertheless there is no sexual interest in any family member for me.

[Exploding Seltzer]

My question is: How many tries does it take to "get the hang" of sex? I'm especially curious to hear from fellow AFAB folks, though I suppose anyone is welcome to chime in. 

 

For reference, I'm AFAB leaning towards nonbinary in my personal gender identity, and I'm ace. As a teenager I *did* have libido but in almost all of my fantasies, I was a man having sex with a woman. And yet, I'm not trans and I'm not attracted to women in real life. 

 

When it came time to try sex, I just could not brain it from the female perspective. I just couldn't fathom why any woman would want sex! Also, I lost my libido by the age of 18-19 and it never came back except once due to artificially medicated hormonal means that I won't get elaborate on right now. 

 

I've tried sex a few times and never liked it. I know that I never will. Funny thing is, out of curiosity I was reading through a reddit thread asking women about what losing their virginity was like, and 99% have had a bad time, with pain or general awkwardness, etc. So... why keep trying? What's the motivation? And how long until you actually liked sex?

[Ceebs]

17 minutes ago, Exploding Seltzer said:

My question is: How many tries does it take to "get the hang" of sex?

I don't think it's possible for there to be a universal answer to that. For one, pretty much no one is great at it right off the bat. But also, like any other activity or skill, it just comes more naturally to some people than others. And even for those who seem to get into it more easily than others, so much of it is still a learnt skill, plus good communication is part of it and if that doesn't exist it's not going to be as easy. And of course there are all kinds of different sexual acts. And each person's body is unique and different people like similar activities to be done in different ways, so how you are with one partner may not be at all the same at all as with another. Each new relationship involves learning about each other (though of course if you have prior sexual experience, it's not quite the same as starting from scratch). 

[Ceebs]

Oh also,

 

47 minutes ago, Exploding Seltzer said:

Funny thing is, out of curiosity I was reading through a reddit thread asking women about what losing their virginity was like, and 99% have had a bad time, with pain or general awkwardness, etc. So... why keep trying? What's the motivation?

Some part of you knows you really want to share that experience with someone, so you keep trying. It feels like an important way to connect with another person.

 

47 minutes ago, Exploding Seltzer said:

And how long until you actually liked sex?

Me... I'm a weird one. It didn't take me too many experiences to realise I enjoyed certain aspects of it physically, although it took me a lot longer to be sure that it was something I wanted and enjoyed emotionally. Lots of reasons, most of them having to do with shame and repression stuff, and then when I was with my ex-husband (who's ace), the vibe was always just... off. Not right. I think I was simply too inexperienced to realise exactly what reciprocal desire was supposed to feel like, but I knew something was missing. And that fed into my already-existing shame issues surrounding my own sexuality. I wasn't sure if something was wrong with me and sometimes I felt like I was some sort of creep or pervert in comparison to him. I was easily just as relieved as he was when we stopped having sex entirely, possibly even more. He wasn't averse to it, certainly not repulsed, but just had no natural inclination to want sex as part of a romantic connection and therefore any true desire was missing. I think I was 27 when we stopped having sex (I was in my early 20s before I ever had any type of sexual interaction with anyone) and still was not entirely comfortable with myself that way at the time. I knew I wanted sex, but want =/= being completely at ease with it. I didn't start becoming more so until I was around 30, and I had a connection with someone else and my brain stopped linking anything sexual to my ex-husband. (Not in the sense that I was still attracted to him in that way, I very much was not, but he was still the person I naturally associated the majority of my experiences with at that point and that coloured how I felt about sex until I started mentally connecting it to other people instead.) So anyway, I guess I knew I liked it physically by the time I was perhaps 24, but I wasn't entirely at ease emotionally until my early 30s.

 

Younger me would not recognise current me. I was so messed-up and ashamed and confused. My husband and I (second husband, I mean) have a very fulfilling sexual connection and it's always something that's easy for us to discuss. And it's fun as hell haha. Easily one of my favourite activities in life.

[Olallieberry]

I had my own first-sex experience, which was kind of bad for me, even though my partner was experienced, because I didn't have the hang of it and didn't know what I was doing.

 

And I have also been there for the first-sex experience of three women and one man, experiences which were kind of bad for them, even though their partner (me) was experienced, because they didn't have the hang of it and didn't know what they were doing.

 

The thing was, though, that all five of these first-sex experiences were had by allosexual people. And here is the common thread I see in all five of those:

 

They didn't suck. Not for either one of the two people in each of those five situations.

 

They were awkward. They were, in a way, unsuccessful. They were uncomfortable. They were disappointing, because more was expected. But they were still fun too. There were still good feelings, too. Each of these five people went in to the first-time experience knowing that they wanted it, and knowing that we would want more in the future.

 

And we all did. Every one of those first-time experiences was not a last-time experience. And every one of the second-time experiences was way better than the corresponding first-time experience.

 

So my direct answer to the question, how long does it take to get the hang of it, is, "not very long." It sounds to me like you know you aren't going to enjoy it whether you have the hang of it or not. What motivates "keep trying" is, anticipating, expecting, knowing it will get better.

[Liara]

I don’t have a lot of sexual experience. My first time was with my current partner, we absolutely didn’t know what we were doing and that was not really good. Then she rejected me again and again, I didn’t understand why, thinking it was my fault because I was very bad… then I discovered she was ace.

it was 25 years ago. Very limited experiences and never really enjoyable. But I still know I want to try again (obviously, not with her). Because sex is not just « sex », the physical thing, but a lot more. And I really would like to have that (even if I have to accept it will never happen).

[SleevedAce]

I have two questions

 

1. What is your type?

 

Write down your answer somewhere, maybe here, maybe elsewhere but you don't have to hit submit or post the answer. After writing it down, read the hidden question below.
 

Spoiler

2. Which statement(s) best applies when you answered the first question?

• a. I knew what my type is almost immediately. Its like asking me about a favourite show or movie.
• b. I had to think about it. I thought back to real or fictional people I'm attracted to and wrote down patterns of traits that showed up a lot in them.
• c. I imagined an ideal partner and described them or I wrote about an existing imaginary ideal partner.
• d. I thought of a specific real or fictional person and described their characteristics.
• e. I have no type or my type is all types, it really depends on the person.
• f. I think having a type isn't a thing and is just a less personal way to say you aren't interested.
• g. I misread the first question in some way and wrote "My type? You mean the thing I type with? That's a keyboard."
• h. I peeked at the hidden question before writing down my first answer.
• i. Other.

Post your spoilered answer to the second question. Thanks! Keep it hidden or only use letters so others don't see the choices before answering the first question.

 

Feel free to erase your answer to the first question (or not) before posting.

 

The statements were gathered from various thread on different online forums.

 

[Ceebs]

1. I don't have a type other than someone who makes me laugh and with whom I can have good conversations (by which I mean things like interesting, intellectually stimulating, emotionally vulnerable, etc.), is respectful and compassionate in general, non-judgemental of my various struggles, more or less shares my worldviews and also some of my interests (connecting over favourite music is a big one for me), makes me feel safe and secure and like I can be completely myself around them, and also like there's something about me that I can offer them that makes their life more fulfilling. Physically, to steal a line from my husband because he feels similarly, just don't look like a troll haha. Body type doesn't matter, I don't need any particular facial features or hair colour or a certain height, whatever. As long as someone isn't actually seriously off-putting physically, I have no type in that regard.

 

My type is someone I would still want to be totally platonic best friends with too, even if there was no romantic or sexual element. Not that I would be fine in some sort of a committed relationship without those latter two things (been there, done that, wasn't fulfilling as a marriage), but I need that really close friendship to underlie everything else.

 

E, I guess?

[Olallieberry]

1.

I definitely don't have just one type, I have a few different types and I can also be attracted to someone who doesn't fit one of those types at all.

 

Men: I like pretty faces. They don't have to be "pretty boys" in terms of style or fem-spectrum, though I do like a femmy twink. Nice bone structure, nice skin, and really nice eyes and pretty hair (whether short or long) all add up to a pretty face for me. I like certain kinds of cut/fit bodies but there has to be a pretty face to go with them. The hottest body there is does nothing for me if the face just looks like a bro. And I like not-a-lot of body and facial hair.

 

Women: I am a magnet for people with queer-girl energy, which suits me just fine. I'm into non-Barbie types. I'm not talking about like anti-femme women, but not too femme. I like very tall women, I like short-haired women, I like boyish women, I like women who have some butchness - but it has to be plausible, you know? Stone-butch obvious lesbians aren't attractive to me, partly because of appearance and incompatible energy, but also partly because I know there's no potential there. 

 

I also like people who are smarter than me. But not ones who think I'm dumb.

 

Genderqueer: Two past partners of mine have turned out to be non-binary. They weren't out as such during those relationships, but I liked them because they weren't fully gender-normative. When one of them came out as non-binary, I wouldn't say it was expected but I wasn't too surprised either, upon reflection. The other was clearly gender-fluid but didn't identify as such until later. Again, this was one of the things I liked about them.

 

So yeah, there are a lot of different physical, gender, orientation and personality types I can be attracted to, but, I think that orientationally-compatible, queer, smart women are a type for me, for sure.

 

2.

Spoiler

a. I totally knew

also 
e. "type" doesn't limit my attraction, even though I do have types

 

[Liara]

1. No type at all. I never understood what it means. Maybe because I never really had crush. I met my partner 2 months after I accepted I was gay, never been able to have a lot of experience about attraction...

2.

Spoiler

Obviously E.

I don't really understand the idea behind using spoilers here...

[Ceebs]

3 minutes ago, Liara said:

I don't really understand the idea behind using spoilers here...

Same.

 

I get why the question-asker used them, I suppose. They didn't want us seeing the options before we thought about our replies. But not sure why which categories those replies end up falling under need to be spoilered. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[Olallieberry]

11 minutes ago, Ceebs said:

They didn't want us seeing the options before we thought about our replies

Well, I guess that if we see previous answers, we see some of what was under the spoiler originally.

[Ceebs]

Hrmm yeah true.

 

Not sure that not spoilering the options would've really influenced anyone's answer anyway, because I assume people would've answered honestly otherwise what's the point. But since that was the request... 🤷🏼‍♀️

[SleevedAce]

Thanks for all answers so far!

 

Yes, @Olallieberry guessed right. When I wrote the question, I wanted later posted to avoid seeing partial answers to the second question, especially if there's extra comments thrown in. I think seeing partial answers to the second question might influence the answer to the first question of later replies.

 

I wasn't expecting so many willingly share the first answer here. In hindsight, I should have asked to spoiler everything. In other places I've looked, answers tend to clump together and maybe there's some anchoring effect from the first few answers given. I think there are different ways to interpret the first question, not the words but the intended nature of the response. All interpretations are valid for the question I asked.

 

Of course, its also possible that the answers are clumped together because of the exact wording used elsewhere or the local culture.

[Ceebs]

2 minutes ago, jeffrey02 said:

coffee

That seems like a more reasonable request than your last post possibly seeking a mistress, at least. 

[Frameshift07]

3 hours ago, jeffrey02 said:

coffee

3 hours ago, Ceebs said:

That seems like a more reasonable request than your last post possibly seeking a mistress, at least. 

They deleted the mistress thread! I was hoping it'd be the next casino thread.

[Ceebs]

1 minute ago, Frameshift07 said:

They deleted the mistress thread! I was hoping it'd be the next casino thread.

Damn! I was enjoying it and had exactly the same thought. 😂

 

How mistress thread we are not loveing. 😢

[Olallieberry]

11 hours ago, Frameshift07 said:

I was hoping it'd be the next casino thread.