The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread

[Guest]

23 hours ago, Mrs Telecaster-to-be said:

Given that the motivations for sex and what people get out of it -- as well as simply how strong a desire they have for it -- can vary, I would think there's a small minority out there who could feel a genuine desire for it but find themselves content enough in a relationship without it where other forms of intimacy existed.

I'm guessing that by "in a relationship" you mean a romantic relationship. If someone isn't looking for a romantic relationship—or any other deeply intimate nonfamilial relationship—that wouldn't really be a problem to begin with.

 

Part of the reason why I'm asking is because I'm a bit confused around what "desiring sex" means. The "if you want to have sex to [XYZ], that's not wanting to have sex, that's wanting [XYZ]" kind of logic I've seen at times:

 

On 11/15/2015 at 2:18 AM, Guest said:

Given that the motivations for sex and what people get out of it -- as well as simply how strong a desire they have for it -- can vary, I would think there's a small minority out there who could feel a genuine desire for it but find themselves content enough in a relationship without it where other forms of intimacy existed.

But I'm not sure how far I'm meant to stretch that logic. For example, if someone wants to have sex to make someone happy, but that they could be just as content to please the person in other ways (or to never make them happy), would that count as an extrinsic reason? Does it need to be something only sex can provide for it to be an innate desire for sex?

[ryn2]

2 hours ago, SilenceRadio said:

I'm not sure how far I'm meant to stretch that logic.

I think the basic distinction there is indeed the why.  Someone who wants to have sex because they personally enjoy it desires sex; someone who doesn’t personally enjoy it but does want a baby desires parenthood.  In the former case sex is the “end,” whereas in the latter it’s the means to some other end.

 

Same idea as, say, someone who eats kimchi because they love kimchi (end) versus someone who doesn’t particularly like kimchi but eats it (means) for the health benefits (end).

[Olallieberry]

4 hours ago, SilenceRadio said:

someone wants to have sex to make someone happy

That isn't wanting sex. That's wanting to make someone happy, and using sex to try to do it. If you don't want the sex because you want the sex, then it might not even make the other person happy at all.

 

4 hours ago, SilenceRadio said:

I'm a bit confused around what "desiring sex" means. The "if you want to have sex to [XYZ], that's not wanting to have sex, that's wanting [XYZ]" kind of logic I've seen at times

If you want to have sex to make yourself happy, that's desiring sex.

 

I'm not saying there isn't joy in sharing sex with someone else who also wants it with you. Of course there is. But that sex is sex-with-desire-present. Having sex you don't care about because you think it would make the other person happy is sex-without-desire-present.

 

Willingness and desire are worlds apart, and the sex is very different with a merely-willing person than it is with a desires-me-sexually person. It's so different that I don't even want it.

 

Esther Perel talks about "sex worth wanting." This is the idea behind that.

[blaigorn]

Wondering what strategies do you use to "cope" with your lack of sexual intimacy? Not looking for replacements, or resolutions (ie: my strategy was breaking up!), but for ways to cope while trying to figure things out in the relationship.

 

I've found that running/exercising helps balance my libido, mood and insomnia (interestingly, after I go for a run it's hard for me to physically get in the mood for the next hour or so). Only worry is that it almost became like an addition, I certainly feel it when I'm not able to run for a week, but a friendly one as it has other health benefits as well.

 

Would be interested to see what other people are doing to help them find balance in their relationships.

[Olallieberry]

@blaigorn
 

Good toys.

 

Also writing erotica.

[Xaver]

I got a question to sexual folks. How does sexual attraction impact your day to day life?

 

A lot of time when I question if I can feel sexual attraction or not discussions center around relationships. Which is hard to relate to because I've never been in one.

 

But what I can relate to is mundane, daily life. All of us have that, and from my understanding sexual attraction is something that impacts people outside relationships too. So I'm interested to hear how that works for you. What does it mean to feel sexual attraction in day to day life, especially feelings not aimed towards a lover?

[blaigorn]

11 minutes ago, Xaver said:

I got a question to sexual folks. How does sexual attraction impact your day to day life?

 

A lot of time when I question if I can feel sexual attraction or not discussions center around relationships. Which is hard to relate to because I've never been in one.

 

But what I can relate to is mundane, daily life. All of us have that, and from my understanding sexual attraction is something that impacts people outside relationships too. So I'm interested to hear how that works for you. What does it mean to feel sexual attraction in day to day life, especially feelings not aimed towards a lover?

I’ve learned I need a certain level of bonding/connection to experience sexual attraction. Sometimes my mind wanders to “how would that person look like naked, or in bed?” but that’s mostly intrusive thoughts and not common at all.

When I do bond with someone, specially if I find it being reciprocated somehow, sexual attraction might kick in. It’s kind of a desire to kiss and hold and be physical, which being allosexual for me would evolve into sexual intimacy. Obviously being married I haven’t acted on it, or pursued it further. I also sometimes wonder if I had been pursued/flirted with more aggressively if I would be able to stop it or give in, cheating on my wife. Fortunately I haven’t ever been put in that situation.

 

[Olallieberry]

24 minutes ago, Xaver said:

what I can relate to is mundane, daily life. All of us have that, and from my understanding sexual attraction is something that impacts people outside relationships too. So I'm interested to hear how that works for you. What does it mean to feel sexual attraction in day to day life, especially feelings not aimed towards a lover?

It influences the amount of effort one puts in to pursuing relationships or sexual partners.

 

If one isn't feeling any sexual attraction to anyone at all, then, presumably there is no motivation to do that.

 

But when one feels sexual attraction, then presumably certain motivations are present. How do you groom yourself, where do you go, who do you spend time around, what goals do you have regarding attractive people you meet, I mean, just all kinds of daily decisions are influenced by how you feel about attractive people in daily life.

 

If there don't happen to be any, an allosexual person will typically try to go where there are some. That's a way of saying that even the absence of sexual attraction creates motivation to find it.

 

So, I think that that's what it's like. I haven't described "what does it feel like," just, how does feeling it — or feeling its absence — impact life, for an allosexual person.

[Liara]

Even as a sexual person, I haven't feel any sexual attraction for decades. And I certainly miss it.

[Alonelygirl]

I am having difficulty accepting that my boyfriend of about 1 yr has become asexual. He has been going through some issues with returning PTSD (d/t 5 deployments and search/recovery efforts) however this problem existed prior to these issues. He’s going through therapy and began taking testosterone injections.

I am fulfilled most of the time by his romanticism and affection. I have no doubt he loves me. He has almost no female friends-all male. I beat myself up for questioning his sexuality and wondering if he was cheating. I feel confident he’s being honest about not feeling “sexual” at all. We used to have great sex. We were “very” adventurous at one time as we began as a friends with benefits.

I’m STILL a very sexual person. In fact, I’ve taken such a hit to my self worth/esteem and identity since this has persisted for months. I’m afraid we have fell into a pattern that won’t change. That we will never get back to physical intimacy. I have made it clear I still desire him and I’ve NEVER been rejected in my life until now. 
I really want to know how to cope with this as I continue to hang on. I have from time to time masturbated after waking up with him in bed. He holds me and kisses me when I am done. I don’t want to pressure him, but I’m still so confused about his lack of interest. Every thing else in our life/relationship has improved significantly. 

Alonelygirl

 

[Phred]

On 4/2/2025 at 9:40 AM, Alonelygirl said:

I am having difficulty accepting that my boyfriend of about 1 yr has become asexual. He has been going through some issues with returning PTSD (d/t 5 deployments and search/recovery efforts) however this problem existed prior to these issues. He’s going through therapy and began taking testosterone injections.

I am fulfilled most of the time by his romanticism and affection. I have no doubt he loves me. He has almost no female friends-all male. I beat myself up for questioning his sexuality and wondering if he was cheating. I feel confident he’s being honest about not feeling “sexual” at all. We used to have great sex. We were “very” adventurous at one time as we began as a friends with benefits.

I’m STILL a very sexual person. In fact, I’ve taken such a hit to my self worth/esteem and identity since this has persisted for months. I’m afraid we have fell into a pattern that won’t change. That we will never get back to physical intimacy. I have made it clear I still desire him and I’ve NEVER been rejected in my life until now. 
I really want to know how to cope with this as I continue to hang on. I have from time to time masturbated after waking up with him in bed. He holds me and kisses me when I am done. I don’t want to pressure him, but I’m still so confused about his lack of interest. Every thing else in our life/relationship has improved significantly. 

Alonelygirl

 

You are not alone. I have been through a similar situation. I have also done much of what you have done. I have done the whole soul searching about if they are cheating or if they are gay. The latter not a stretch since she told me that she has dated women before we got together. The whole key for me is our bond. 

 

I'm still new to this as well. I just have to trust in our bond together that we are going to find our path. 

 

Likewise I am a sexual person. The thought of not having those thoughts confuses me, but I try to put myself in her shoes. I think of having to do something that I don't enjoy. How would I feel? 

 

This is not your fault. You did not make him Ace. He's not rejecting you. Your last sentence shows that everything else is better. It is just that he is more comfortable letting you know how he feels. That is a positive sign for any relationship. My wife and I have been together for decades and she only felt comfortable enough to come out as ace last year. In my book you are ahead of me. 

 

Best wishes.

[lilihierax]

On 3/27/2025 at 6:38 PM, Liara said:

Even as a sexual person, I haven't feel any sexual attraction for decades. And I certainly miss it.

That's interesting to hear. It highlights a key difference between sexual and asexual: I've never "missed" feeling sexual attraction, or more accurately, never been sad about never feeling it. I don't particularly want to feel it and I'm perfectly happy about going my whole life without it.

 

This leads me to another question if you don't mind, and for any other sexual people to answer if they wish:

 

Can you remember the time before you had ever felt sexual attraction (I'm guessing as a child or teen?), and did you know you wanted to feel it even before it had ever happened? 

[Liara]

4 hours ago, Lilihierax said:

That's interesting to hear. It highlights a key difference between sexual and asexual: I've never "missed" feeling sexual attraction, or more accurately, never been sad about never feeling it. I don't particularly want to feel it and I'm perfectly happy about going my whole life without it.

 

This leads me to another question if you don't mind, and for any other sexual people to answer if they wish:

 

Can you remember the time before you had ever felt sexual attraction (I'm guessing as a child or teen?), and did you know you wanted to feel it even before it had ever happened? 

I don't think that's how it works. Even as a sexual, sex is not always in my mind. There is no period of time before and after.
Even worse for me, it took me some years to understand I didn't feel anything for men. And I met my partner two months after I accepted I was a lesbian.
I don't think I feel a lot of sexual attraction (maybe a couple of times in all my life) so...
And I erased all memories of my sexual attraction for my partner when I understood she was ace. I certainly feel more desire to feel sexual attraction than I really feel sexual attraction.

[Liara]

And when I say I miss it, it's because it's a part of my identity (even more because I'm a lesbian, not because lesbian are sex addcited, but because it's almost a political part of me) and it's like this part of me has to stay hidden and silent.

[Alonelygirl]

On 4/5/2025 at 4:40 PM, Phred said:

You are not alone. I have been through a similar situation. I have also done much of what you have done. I have done the whole soul searching about if they are cheating or if they are gay. The latter not a stretch since she told me that she has dated women before we got together. The whole key for me is our bond. 

 

I'm still new to this as well. I just have to trust in our bond together that we are going to find our path. 

 

Likewise I am a sexual person. The thought of not having those thoughts confuses me, but I try to put myself in her shoes. I think of having to do something that I don't enjoy. How would I feel? 

 

This is not your fault. You did not make him Ace. He's not rejecting you. Your last sentence shows that everything else is better. It is just that he is more comfortable letting you know how he feels. That is a positive sign for any relationship. My wife and I have been together for decades and she only felt comfortable enough to come out as ace last year. In my book you are ahead of me. 

 

Best wishes.

Thank you for your support. Means so much. Best of luck on your journey as well. A deep bond is much harder to find than a good sexual relationship. I keep that in mind with my guy. He’s a good person, great friend and he provides me with affection and security. That’s a lot. Hoping your lady does the same. 
 

In love and hope.

[Alex Bailey]

Okay I have a question. In books and movies, there are scenes where the characters kiss and it's magnetic, like you just feel yourself being pulled toward them. Does this actually happen? Is it some magical force that pulls people's faces together? Or is it highly exaggerated like other things in movies and books?

[Olallieberry]

12 minutes ago, Alex Bailey said:

Okay I have a question. In books and movies, there are scenes where the characters kiss and it's magnetic, like you just feel yourself being pulled toward them. Does this actually happen? Is it some magical force that pulls people's faces together? Or is it highly exaggerated like other things in movies and books?

“Magnetism” is a metaphor. Sometimes there is a very compelling feeling which makes you want to close the distance. “Magnetism” can be a way to describe the feeling.

 

Is it magical? I mean, that’s probably a metaphor too, but sure, it can feel magical.

 

I think the real lesson is that it’s not always logical. Sometimes you do it because you feel compelled to, not because it “makes sense” or “seems like the thing to do.” I mean, sometimes it can happen that way too, but that is less often depicted in the movies.

[Philip027]

Making "magnetism" obvious I assume is meant to imply that the interest is mutual on some level, not just one person forcing themselves on the other -- the latter of which can be somewhat less titillating for the audience.

[Olallieberry]

1 hour ago, Philip027 said:

Making "magnetism" obvious I assume is meant to imply that the interest is mutual on some level, not just one person forcing themselves on the other -- the latter of which can be somewhat less titillating for the audience.

Great point.

 

These stories are about people experiencing the magnetism. They aren't about people experiencing a less compelling and inexorable kind of attraction, or about people going through the motions of attraction for reasons.

 

It's Hollywood - magnetism "sells".

[Liara]

It can definitely feel magical. And it's addicting.

[Alex Bailey]

So these "charged" moments actually happen sometimes?

[Philip027]

Yes; I can feel it.  It isn't something specific to kissing though, nor is it specifically something sexual.  It's just part of mutual attraction of some form.

[uhtred]

14 hours ago, Alex Bailey said:

Okay I have a question. In books and movies, there are scenes where the characters kiss and it's magnetic, like you just feel yourself being pulled toward them. Does this actually happen? Is it some magical force that pulls people's faces together? Or is it highly exaggerated like other things in movies and books?

I don't get that specifically for kissing, but I do get very strong desires for close / intimate contact with someone.

[Traveler40]

12 hours ago, Olallieberry said:

It's Hollywood - magnetism "sells".

Yes, and when you’re lacking that mutual magnetism you so badly need, you feel its absence keenly. 
 

I recall seeing movies in the past that led to relationship arguments. 🙄

[OverThePathlessLand]

On 3/26/2025 at 3:49 PM, Olallieberry said:

If one isn't feeling any sexual attraction to anyone at all, then, presumably there is no motivation to do that.

Not true. As an ace, I've been very motivated for other reasons -- to be held, and ideally to be loved. 

[anonymous guest]

@Olallieberry did mrs telecaster to be leave AVEN? 

[Olallieberry]

2 hours ago, anonymous guest said:

@Olallieberry did mrs telecaster to be leave AVEN? 

it's none of my business

[anonymous guest]

fair enough. I just wanted to thank them. It’s been a minute since I logged on and wanted to say thank you to all of you. Being able to converse so freely with people on this forum really brought me a lot of comfort and eased my anxiety. 
 

in case you’re still here @1246, I’d just like to thank you especially. I know I was very repetitive and annoying at times, so I really do appreciate your patience and kindness. 

[Alex Bailey]

Is sex better when you were attracted to them in the first place?

[Liara]

Sex is better when you have a connection with your partner, obviously.