The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread

[ryn2]

2 hours ago, Mrs Telecaster-to-be said:

There's no universal right or wrong way to do it.

Agreed.  Just off the top of my I can think of several couples I know personally who’ve taken each approach; within each subcategory, some relationships have lasted decades/truly do seem likely to end only at death whereas others have ended for a variety of reasons.

 

I also know people who lived together before marriage and were still caught off-guard by abuse, and others who saw red flags early on and moved in together and/or wed anyway.

 

I really do think there’s no one best way for everyone, or one safest way.

[Olallieberry]

It's not even about red flags for me. Sometimes shit just doesn't work out, and, a breakup while cohabiting is unnecessarily painful and difficult and logistically punishing.

 

So I'll only do it with someone I fully expect to never break up with, and believing that the commitment is mutual.

[Sally]

The way my partner and I stayed together was that we lived apart.

[Olallieberry]

9 minutes ago, Olallieberry said:

It's not even about red flags for me. Sometimes shit just doesn't work out, and, a breakup while cohabiting is unnecessarily painful and difficult and logistically punishing.

 

So I'll only do it with someone I fully expect to never break up with, and believing that the commitment is mutual.

If my resistance to cohabiting causes shit to not work out, I'm okay with that. I wouldn't necessarily consider it a red flag, because people do have their reasons for wanting to cohabitate, and they're valid, but, I've also been manipulated into it and it was a red flag in that instance.

 

I should have bailed out - should have not just insisted on my "no," but should have actually ended it since she wasn't respecting my boundary. It should have been clear to me that the "try-out" was not going to work and breakup was inevitable. There was no reason whatsoever to invest another year into that relationship, and cohabiting just made the breakup exponentially worse than it needed to be.

 

Welp, older and wiser now.

[ryn2]

34 minutes ago, Olallieberry said:

It's not even about red flags for me. Sometimes shit just doesn't work out, and, a breakup while cohabiting is unnecessarily painful and difficult and logistically punishing.

 

So I'll only do it with someone I fully expect to never break up with, and believing that the commitment is mutual.

If you mean the red flags bit in my post, I specifically meant of potential abuse (since others had mentioned unexpected abuse as a risk of not cohabiting pre-marriage).

 

Ultimately, I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way to do it.  Everyone has to find what works best individually.  If marrying before/at the start of cohabiting is what works for you, it’s what works for you.

[ryn2]

43 minutes ago, Sally said:

The way my partner and I stayed together was that we lived apart.

I have several friends who have successfully gone that route, everywhere from “we each have half a duplex” to “one of us lives in SoCal and the other outside Boston.”

[Ceebs]

Meanwhile, my parents did everything veryyyyyy slowly. 😅 They met in 1967, when my mum was 23 and my dad 27. They both still lived with their families, mostly to save money. My dad started designing the house they built together and they got married in the hallway of their own home (where they still live today) nine years later, in 1976, which is also when they finally moved in together. Then I came along another nine years later in 1985. (My mum had a lot of difficulty getting pregnant, probably in part due to her age but also some medical issues. She had an ectopic pregnancy in 1983.)

[ubereatsme]

On 1/27/2025 at 6:05 PM, daveb said:

What about not wanting to live together after the wedding?  

 

(semi-serious - I saw an episode of some news-type tv show a long time ago, where they covered a few happily married couples where they had some sort of separate living arrangements - not just separate bedrooms, but even adjoining homes or an apartment above the garage or whatever. Sounded great to me.)

Sure i also know people in LTR who do not live together. But if the plan is to live together, then yes do that before marriage surely.

[daveb]

10 hours ago, ubereatsme said:

Sure i also know people in LTR who do not live together. But if the plan is to live together, then yes do that before marriage surely.

Not surely. If people want to do that, that's fine. If they don't, that's also fine. I just don't see it as a problem either way.

[ryn2]

48 minutes ago, daveb said:

Not surely. If people want to do that, that's fine. If they don't, that's also fine. I just don't see it as a problem either way.

That’s really the key point, to me - that everyone who’s part of a given relationship feels the same way (or is at least tolerant of a partner’s wishes, in the case where one has strong feelings about the best approach but the other(s) do(es)n’t really care).

[ubereatsme]

On 1/29/2025 at 6:51 PM, daveb said:

Not surely. If people want to do that, that's fine. If they don't, that's also fine. I just don't see it as a problem either way.

I wouldn't either if I was the person least likely to be left worse off than I started. 

[Qiri]

On 1/27/2025 at 8:51 PM, Mrs Telecaster-to-be said:

Eh, we're doing fine and we got engaged before moving in together. The main reason for that being a very practical one -- living on opposite sides of the Atlantic. We had spent several months total cohabiting over the course of multiple visits of roughly three weeks each time, but yes of course there are still additional elements when you've properly moved in together. And we knew that would be the case and there have been a handful of difficult moments figuring out what works best for both of us. But still, given that we'd known each other well for over six and a half, nearly seven, years (the first two as friends, about four and half in a relationship) and did have some decent enough experience inhabiting the same space, we were both confident any bumps in the road living together all the time would be just that -- bumps in the road. Really no huge deal other than in the moment it can be a bit stressful, and we're good. 

This is essentially what happened with me and my partner. We couldn't live together prior to marriage due to visa practicalities and living on opposite sides of the Atlantic (even though we both would have preferred to). We also spent several months cohabitating on various holidays, and were aware that it wasn't the same as actually living together - but it was sufficient time together that we thought anything that came up could be ironed out. We had also known each other for many years as friends before a relationship ended up forming, and it was years after that before we got engaged. 

[anonymous guest]

On 12/29/2024 at 7:47 AM, Mrs Telecaster-to-be said:

can still feel a bit of attraction but nothing I'd want to act on because that slight attraction doesn't carry any real weight to me. It doesn't translate into a desire to pursue sex with the person

@Mrs Telecaster-to-be To be clear, this refers to how fleeting attraction doesn’t translate into a desire to pursue sex (or fantasise or think about it) - but not just in the sense that you don’t want to immediately in that particular moment, but also that you wouldn’t be interested (in pursuing or thinking or fantasising)  at any time in general while the circumstances remain what they are (so you don’t develop any greater more significant attraction or a further connection or never develop a dynamic) - it just remains this small fleeting feeling/attraction 

[anonymous guest]

@Mrs Telecaster-to-be I also have another question. In the context of a committed relationship, is it possible to feel the fill spectrum of things that can accompany sexual attraction. Like sometimes you might feel attraction + desire, other times you might feel more intense attraction that leads to some sort of sexually stimulating thought or fantasy, and sometimes it might just be a fleeting awareness of this feeling that you recognise as sexual attraction? (Obviously depending on the situation circumstances etc) 

[anonymous guest]

On 12/29/2024 at 2:18 AM, Mrs Telecaster-to-be said:

Would your thoughts get more detailed once you knew them well, or is it always just a more vague sense for you?

Thinking about this further, my thoughts definitely do get more detailed (like in my current relationship) but sometimes it’s also more of a vague sense? just depends? I’m not sure what it depends on but it just varies 

[anonymous guest]

@Mrs Telecaster-to-be 

[anonymous guest]

On 2/2/2025 at 11:26 PM, anonymous guest said:

@Mrs Telecaster-to-be To be clear, this refers to how fleeting attraction doesn’t translate into a desire to pursue sex (or fantasise or think about it) - but not just in the sense that you don’t want to immediately in that particular moment, but also that you wouldn’t be interested (in pursuing or thinking or fantasising)  at any time in general while the circumstances remain what they are (so you don’t develop any greater more significant attraction or a further connection or never develop a dynamic) - it just remains this small fleeting feeling/attraction 

Is this accurate @Mrs Telecaster-to-be

[anonymous guest]

On 2/2/2025 at 11:26 PM, anonymous guest said:

@Mrs Telecaster-to-be To be clear, this refers to how fleeting attraction doesn’t translate into a desire to pursue sex (or fantasise or think about it) - but not just in the sense that you don’t want to immediately in that particular moment, but also that you wouldn’t be interested (in pursuing or thinking or fantasising)  at any time in general while the circumstances remain what they are (so you don’t develop any greater more significant attraction or a further connection or never develop a dynamic) - it just remains this small fleeting feeling/attraction 

not to be annoying @Mrs Telecaster-to-be , but I’m not sure if you’re uncomfortable with my questions or simply missing my posts. 
 

if possible, I’d love your perspective on this. 

[Windmills of My Mind]

Some people do not keep track of notifications. I cannot tell for sure but willingly ignoring sincere questions that stem from curiosity is not her style.

[Ceebs]

On 2/2/2025 at 11:26 PM, anonymous guest said:

@Mrs Telecaster-to-be To be clear, this refers to how fleeting attraction doesn’t translate into a desire to pursue sex (or fantasise or think about it) - but not just in the sense that you don’t want to immediately in that particular moment, but also that you wouldn’t be interested (in pursuing or thinking or fantasising)  at any time in general while the circumstances remain what they are (so you don’t develop any greater more significant attraction or a further connection or never develop a dynamic) - it just remains this small fleeting feeling/attraction 

Correct, yep.

 

 

On 2/3/2025 at 4:38 PM, anonymous guest said:

@Mrs Telecaster-to-be I also have another question. In the context of a committed relationship, is it possible to feel the fill spectrum of things that can accompany sexual attraction. Like sometimes you might feel attraction + desire, other times you might feel more intense attraction that leads to some sort of sexually stimulating thought or fantasy, and sometimes it might just be a fleeting awareness of this feeling that you recognise as sexual attraction? (Obviously depending on the situation circumstances etc) 

That seems about right I guess, yeah. Different situations with the same person can result in a variety of feelings and responses and desires. In a relationship, for me at least, it all depends on what's going on as a whole, both as a couple and just personally. If we're spending quality time together, maybe we spent the evening cuddled up on the sofa and watching a movie or we had some drinks and good conversation or whatever, and we're both in a good mood and feeling really close, it could lead to a strong sense of desire for each other and an urge to act on it. Or sometimes at random, just privately in my own mind, I'll think about my partner or a memory with him or something and kinda get warm fuzzy feelings and be reminded of my attraction to him. I might just keep it to myself and simply enjoy the thought, but if he's around and I'm in the right mood maybe I'll share that feeling with him. Could end up leading to sex, sure, though often it's just a random little moment of shared romantic affection. Depends on the situation. Since the two are closely tied for me, one can lead to the other. Alternatively, sometimes something might make me think of sex itself, like something I'm reading or listening to or watching perhaps, and if I'm in a headspace where that thought leads to actually wanting to have sex myself (and it doesn't necessarily do that, sometimes it's simply a passing thought), since he's the person I'm attracted to and desire, he'll of course be the person I go to. If he's up for it, great; if not, entirely ok.
 

Both the desire to actually have sex and what's motivating it and the intensity with which one is feeling attracted to their partner in any given moment certainly vary, if that's what you're asking. 
 

Anyway, sorry about the delay. @Windmills of My Mind is partially correct in that I'm often quite crap at checking my notifications so I genuinely didn't see several of the older ones, and then when I noticed a few of the latest ones honestly I felt a bit overwhelmed by them all and just hadn't got round to replying yet. It's a me thing, kinda depends on where my social interaction energy is at.

[anonymous guest]

On 2/20/2025 at 5:10 PM, Mrs Telecaster-to-be said:

Anyway, sorry about the delay. @Windmills of My Mind is partially correct in that I'm often quite crap at checking my notifications so I genuinely didn't see several of the older ones, and then when I noticed a few of the latest ones honestly I felt a bit overwhelmed by them all and just hadn't got round to replying yet. It's a me thing, kinda depends on where my social interaction energy is at.

Firstly, thank you so so much for your perspective. And second, please don’t apologise! I completely understand. I definitely didn’t want to come off as entitled to your time, and totally get it if you were to not respond (for any reason). But again, thank you for being so open to my questions and curiosities. 

[anonymous guest]

On 2/2/2025 at 11:26 PM, anonymous guest said:

@Mrs Telecaster-to-be To be clear, this refers to how fleeting attraction doesn’t translate into a desire to pursue sex (or fantasise or think about it) - but not just in the sense that you don’t want to immediately in that particular moment, but also that you wouldn’t be interested (in pursuing or thinking or fantasising)  at any time in general while the circumstances remain what they are (so you don’t develop any greater more significant attraction or a further connection or never develop a dynamic) - it just remains this small fleeting feeling/attraction 

@Mrs Telecaster-to-be also sorry one more clarification. here I say “sex” but am referring to all sorts of sexual intimacy in general like kissing or making out or any other sexually driven activities. that doesn’t change anything does it?

 

as in, the same applies to all of these activities as it would to sex? (So fleeting attraction just remains this  feeling/recognition while the circumstances remain what they are and there is no interest in pursuing anything sexual or fantasising or thinking about it?) 

[Phred]

On 2/23/2006 at 6:45 PM, Hallucigenia said:

What makes someone sexually attractive is different for each person, I think. Some people have "types" of people that they are attracted to strongly to the exclusion of others. Some people are attracted to everybody who meets the media's standard of beauty. Some people are only sexually attracted to people who are their good friends and mean a lot to them emotionally. There are other possibilities but you get the idea.

Also, not all sexual attractions are made equal. Sometimes a sexual will look at or otherwise experience a person, and think "That is a hot girl/guy/androgyne/neutrois/whatever", and have a momentary twinge of sexual feeling, but it will pass and nobody will have any urge to actually do anything about it. Other times, the same sexual will experience attraction to a different person that is almost overwhelming. It depends on a lot of variables, partly the qualities of the person in question and partly how much you know about them and partly the setting in which you experience them and partly your mood and hormone levels that day and partly a lot of other stuff too that I can't think of right now.

Wow, I think that you are up to about 73 pages right now and that's phenomenal. I'm on like page 2. But you do so much more emotional response than many others. For me, that is the kicker. An emotional bond. As a sexual that is what I look for in a partner. The whole emotional thing. I couldn't be with my wife if she wasn't the same way. Emotions bond us. 

 

I look forward to reading the rest of this thread. Even if it means a few weeks of my life. I just had to comment about it early and I hope that you continue.peace and love. 

[anonymous guest]

On 2/22/2025 at 10:16 PM, anonymous guest said:

@Mrs Telecaster-to-be also sorry one more clarification. here I say “sex” but am referring to all sorts of sexual intimacy in general like kissing or making out or any other sexually driven activities. that doesn’t change anything does it?

 

as in, the same applies to all of these activities as it would to sex? (So fleeting attraction just remains this  feeling/recognition while the circumstances remain what they are and there is no interest in pursuing anything sexual or fantasising or thinking about it?) 

@Mrs Telecaster-to-be

[Guest]

So I've read on the forum that there's no "substitute" for sex, but it's made me wonder: are there any sexual people who do feel like they can fully replace sex with other things? Or would that mean that they don't actually desire sex?

[Olallieberry]

21 minutes ago, SilenceRadio said:

So I've read on the forum that there's no "substitute" for sex, but it's made me wonder: are there any sexual people who do feel like they can fully replace sex with other things? Or would that mean that they don't actually desire sex?

It depends what you mean by "replace."

 

I'm too busy to pursue sex with other people. Doesn't mean I don't desire it, doesn't mean I won't do it in the future, doesn't mean I don't feel the absence. So, school and work and other obligations have "replaced" sex as far as what I do with my time. But not in any satisfying way. It hasn't removed desire.

 

If there were something which could actually substitute for sex such that sex wasn't desired at all, then yeah, that would be "not desiring sex." Could there be such a thing? Hard narcotic drugs do that for some people.

[Olallieberry]

Next month's newbie asking "how can I eliminate my libido?"

 

Me: "Try heroin"

[Ceebs]

On 2/22/2025 at 10:16 PM, anonymous guest said:

@Mrs Telecaster-to-be also sorry one more clarification. here I say “sex” but am referring to all sorts of sexual intimacy in general like kissing or making out or any other sexually driven activities. that doesn’t change anything does it?

 

as in, the same applies to all of these activities as it would to sex? (So fleeting attraction just remains this  feeling/recognition while the circumstances remain what they are and there is no interest in pursuing anything sexual or fantasising or thinking about it?) 

I would say so, yep. No matter what the activity, the strength of the desire to actually engage in it can vary in any given situation.

[Ceebs]

4 hours ago, SilenceRadio said:

So I've read on the forum that there's no "substitute" for sex, but it's made me wonder: are there any sexual people who do feel like they can fully replace sex with other things?

I really don't know, people are a diverse bunch. In general I would say no, though.

 

There might be (and almost certainly are) things that are just as important to them in a relationship as sexual intimacy, things that would be just as difficult to deal with if they were missing from the connection, but that doesn't make those things an actual replacement.

 

If someone likes reading books and watching films and listening to music an equal amount, that doesn't make one activity a complete substitute for the other.

 

4 hours ago, SilenceRadio said:

Or would that mean that they don't actually desire sex?

I... don't know. Given that the motivations for sex and what people get out of it -- as well as simply how strong a desire they have for it -- can vary, I would think there's a small minority out there who could feel a genuine desire for it but find themselves content enough in a relationship without it where other forms of intimacy existed. Emphasis on small minority. Although would that make those things an actual replacement? I don't know. And that may be true for a certain portion of their life but not be a constant over time. I'm not sure it's a simple question.

[Liara]

16 hours ago, SilenceRadio said:

So I've read on the forum that there's no "substitute" for sex, but it's made me wonder: are there any sexual people who do feel like they can fully replace sex with other things? Or would that mean that they don't actually desire sex?

Even if my very few experiences in sex were limited and never good, they were stronger than anything else I knew since.

If other things can replace sex, I never found them. And believe me, I tried!