The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread

[Philip027]

42 minutes ago, Mrs Telecaster-to-be said:

I might as well picture them doing the vacuuming or sitting on the toilet (actually the latter is probably more entertaining at least haha).

Figures.

 

Insert poop emoji here because either I can't do it or am too stupid to figure out how to do it on mobile.

[Ceebs]

11 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

Figures.

 

Insert poop emoji here because either I can't do it or am too stupid to figure out how to do it on mobile.

Wait... there's a way to do it on desktop???

 

Here, have some on me: 💩💩💩

[anonymous guest]

I have to ask @Mrs Telecaster-to-be, if you don’t mind. 
 

was it also confusing for you to figure out your sexuality since visuals aren’t the most important factor in your sexual attraction towards others? I feel like there’s so much emphasis, especially with social media, on people lusting after celebrities and influencers. 

[Ceebs]

1 hour ago, anonymous guest said:

I have to ask @Mrs Telecaster-to-be, if you don’t mind. 
 

was it also confusing for you to figure out your sexuality since visuals aren’t the most important factor in your sexual attraction towards others? I feel like there’s so much emphasis, especially with social media, on people lusting after celebrities and influencers. 

Yeah, that was one of many factors that made things confusing for me when I was young and didn't understand much about myself or sexuality in general. I'm genuinely not entirely oblivious to looks, but it's either a very weak attraction that doesn't result in any desire to actively pursue someone, or most commonly, I'm drawn to someone on the basis of a non-physical trait first and then I begin to find them physically attractive. As a teen I was confused by how much my peers talked about crushes on people like pop stars and actors. Or even when other girls referred to certain boys at school as 'cute'. I did have a few crushes and once I'd developed the crushes on whatever basis I found the person interesting, I realised I did like to look at them, so I kind of understood, but like... giggling over cute boys I'd never interacted with who maybe didn't even know I existed didn't make any sense.

 

Also when I say 'physically attractive' I mean almost exclusively someone's face. That was another thing that confused me. I don't particularly find certain physiques or parts of bodies interesting in a sexual way. I know not everyone is going around constantly ogling other people's boobs or bums or whatever, but I'm definitely aware that plenty of people -- probably the majority -- do experience some sort of visual draw to parts of people below the neck. That's totally normal and I honestly wonder why I don't have much of a response to that. I like my partner's body specifically because it belongs to him, and that's how I've felt about previous partners as well to varying degrees, but if they weren't the bodies of people I've had feelings for, then they would hold no interest at all because bodies themselves just don't hold any visual sexual interest for me. I very much do enjoy touching someone's body and being close to them, doing things that get a sexual response, cuddling (clothed or otherwise haha)... the body of someone I love feels safe and comforting, and intriguing and exciting in a sexual context... but there still is no huge visual draw.

 

Years ago I said something to my ex-girlfriend about how bodies aren't that much more interesting to me than looking at a refrigerator. She did a quick drawing of a person with a refrigerator for a body. 😂

 

I don't think that makes me particularly unique, but it does make me feel a bit like I'm in the minority and not understanding the fuss about something lots of other people experience.

 

Weird (???) plot twist: I really like sending and receiving NSFW photos and videos with a partner. I mean, really like it. I've come across people who are more visual in their attractions than I am yet less interested in sharing that sort of thing. I like sending because I like being able to cause a reaction, and receiving because it feels a tiny bit taboo or illicit or whatever somehow, and I really like the feeling that they're sharing something with me that's private and vulnerable and only for me. I still don't really get turned on by the actual visual content, though. It's the implications surrounding sending/receiving such things that I like.

[anonymous guest]

@Mrs Telecaster-to-be Thank you so much for your insights! 
 

i honestly feel so much better having the clarity that brief experiences of sexual attraction can just involve a recognition of this sexual draw/pull that just feels innately sexual. 
 

I feel like much of AVEN makes it seem as though sexual attraction = sexual desire or needs to have this component of sexually stimulating thoughts or fantasy. When really (esp when it’s brief) it’s just more of an emotion/feeling/ recognition

[anonymous guest]

On 12/30/2024 at 11:53 AM, Mrs Telecaster-to-be said:

I like sending because I like being able to cause a reaction, and receiving because it feels a tiny bit taboo or illicit or whatever somehow, and I really like the feeling that they're sharing something with me that's private and vulnerable and only for me

I completely get that 

[Ceebs]

18 hours ago, anonymous guest said:

I feel like much of AVEN makes it seem as though sexual attraction = sexual desire or needs to have this component of sexually stimulating thoughts or fantasy. When really (esp when it’s brief) it’s just more of an emotion/feeling/ recognition

Yeah, you're not wrong there.

 

I was confused myself about all of it when I was young, and I certainly can't blame some kids and young adults for being confused and asking questions. It's when people who are very much adults and who also don't experience such things themselves try to insist that sexual attraction is sort of overwhelming need to shag 'hot' people, including perfect strangers, that bugs me. Is it sometimes that, for some people? Sure. Is that what it always is? Certainly not, and for some people it's never that. There's more to sexual attraction than fulfilling the stereotype of a teenage boy. Not even all teenage boys do that haha.

[anonymous guest]

1 hour ago, Mrs Telecaster-to-be said:

It's when people who are very much adults and who also don't experience such things themselves try to insist that sexual attraction is sort of overwhelming need to shag 'hot' people, including perfect strangers, that bugs me

Oh I get that. 
 

I have a friend who’s graysexual because she experiences sexual attraction but it’s really only very brief and it never gets strong enough for her to want to act on it, and she actually suggested I go on AVEN.  But at times, these different allegations of needing to want to shag people really confused her too. 

[anonymous guest]

On 1/12/2025 at 1:50 PM, anonymous guest said:

 

i honestly feel so much better having the clarity that brief experiences of sexual attraction can just involve a recognition of this sexual draw/pull that just feels innately sexual. 

@Mrs Telecaster-to-be do I have this right too? sorry my ocd is just being hyper aware of my wording lol 

[anonymous guest]

On 1/13/2025 at 2:54 PM, anonymous guest said:

@Mrs Telecaster-to-be do I have this right too? sorry my ocd is just being hyper aware of my wording lol 

 @Mrs Telecaster-to-be

[Ceebs]

@anonymous guest Oops sorry! Yep, absolutely correct.

[iff]

So not my problem, this question is inspired by the problem page in today's Irish times

 

Rough summation 

F (35) is in relationship with boyfriend for 7 years, lived together for 3. She is asking "why won't he propose?"

 

It seems long to me that they were together for 4 years before living together in the first place. What are your thoughts?

How long do you feel would be good length and personal experience,  if you feel comfortable talking about it? (I'm aware every relationship is differents)

[Ceebs]

3 minutes ago, iff said:

What are your thoughts? How long do you feel would be good length

For living apart before moving in together, or for being in a relationship before getting engaged?

[iff]

22 minutes ago, Mrs Telecaster-to-be said:

For living apart before moving in together, or for being in a relationship before getting engaged?

Living apart before moving in together

 

 

[Liara]

There is no good answer to that. Some couples move in together after one week, some never do. 

[Ceebs]

30 minutes ago, iff said:

Living apart before moving in together

Honestly I think I could only really put a lower limit on it, and even that would be a pretty rough one (and still highly dependent on the individuals involved). By which I mean I wouldn't recommend moving in together a week or a month into a relationship, probably not even a few months. Might it work out? Sure. But I wouldn't suggest taking the risk that early on. Seems highly inadvisable to me. 
 

I think personally I'd wait till the relationship had passed the one-year mark, unless there was some practical reason that made doing it a bit sooner a good choice. Like maybe one person lost their job and since the relationship was going really well and both people saw a future together, it made sense to save on expenses that way because sharing a living space seemed likely to happen eventually anyway.

 

Sometimes there are practical reasons it takes longer. I mean, other than during visits, until last November we were on opposite sides of the Atlantic for four and a half years. And sometimes people just really like their own space. A friend of Tele's got married nine years ago and he and his wife live separately. Not out of necessity, they just like having their own places. They live about half an hour away from each other and visit at the weekend. I can definitely see the benefits of that and wouldn't hate it myself (though I'd prefer maybe five minutes away, half a hour would annoy me), but for us I see more benefits to being under the same roof.

 

But yeah. No right answer. Very dependent on the individual people and the specifics of their circumstances.

[iff]

18 minutes ago, Mrs Telecaster-to-be said:

 

I think personally I'd wait till the relationship had passed the one-year mark, unless there was some practical reason that made doing it a bit sooner a good choice. Like maybe one person lost their job and since the relationship was going really well and both people saw a future together, it made sense to save on expenses that way because sharing a living space seemed likely to happen eventually anyway

It happened with a friend of mine, that he moved in with his girlfriend when  his landlord gave him termination notice for his tenancy. 

[Ceebs]

8 minutes ago, iff said:

It happened with a friend of mine, that he moved in with his girlfriend when  his landlord gave him termination notice for his tenancy. 

That's a shitty situation to end up in, hopefully moving in together worked out ok? My former landlords evicted me in 2021 because they wanted to move their son in, pretty much as an excuse to redo the place and then sell it because the housing market had gone wild. Good times. 😒

[Olallieberry]

3 hours ago, iff said:

So not my problem, this question is inspired by the problem page in today's Irish times

 

Rough summation 

F (35) is in relationship with boyfriend for 7 years, lived together for 3. She is asking "why won't he propose?"

 

It seems long to me that they were together for 4 years before living together in the first place. What are your thoughts?

How long do you feel would be good length and personal experience,  if you feel comfortable talking about it? (I'm aware every relationship is differents)

Why doesn’t she propose?

[Olallieberry]

I made a rule a LONG time ago to not live with a lover unless we were married.

 

I let a girl talk me into breaking that rule once, and wouldn’t you know it, she made me very sorry I had.

 

My fiancée moved in a few months before we got married. That was OK - we were already engaged.

 

As for the “how long” questions - theres no universal answer. Every couple is different.

 

If the woman in the scenario described is done with being not-married to this guy, it’s up to her to change that. Propose or find someone who wants what she wants.

 

Just one more person asking strangers what to do with their partner, instead of talking to their partner about it. What is with people?

[ubereatsme]

I'd not consider marrying anyone until we had lived together for some time without the expectation of marriage 

[Liara]

Never seen the appeal of marriage…

[Frameshift07]

17 hours ago, iff said:

It seems long to me that they were together for 4 years before living together in the first place. What are your thoughts?

I don't see what's wrong with that.

[Snao Cone]

My sister and brother-in-law were together for over eight years before he proposed. Technically they had only officially lived together for two months at that point, but he was essentially staying at her house full time for a while before that.

 

Every relationship moves at its own pace. People want to see their phases of life in their own way. Maybe that means having separate dwellings for a while, maybe that means cohabitation for a while, maybe that means getting married. There are options now. There haven't always been, and I think it's a good thing that there are couples taking their time. (Though having different ideas of this is one reason BEBO is a good approach, as otherwise you can waste years with a person who doesn't want the same outcome.)

[ryn2]

I think it’s more a case of “does the pace work for the people in the relationship?”  If they’re on drastically different timetables or paths, that’s going to be a problem, even if what either of them wants is common/statistically normal.

 

19 hours ago, Olallieberry said:

Just one more person asking strangers what to do with their partner, instead of talking to their partner about it. What is with people?

Some - maybe even lots of, or perhaps that’s just how it plays out in my friend group - people seek external validation for their thoughts and feelings.  For various reasons they want to understand if they “should” feel how they feel before deciding to take action.

[Qiri]

I know this sounds like a non-answer, but I think it depends on the people in the relationship and their wants/needs/expectations. 

 

I know people who moved in together a few months after they started dating. I know others who waited several years to move in together. And some who got married before they moved in together, and others who wanted to live together first to really stress test the relationship before marriage was even an option. 

 

Personally, I would want to live together with someone before getting married (perhaps for a year or so). It wasn't possible in my case, but in my ideal world, that's what I would have done. 

[Olallieberry]

23 hours ago, Olallieberry said:

I made a rule a LONG time ago to not live with a lover unless we were married.

I do recognize that a rule like this could mean a relationship ends instead of abiding. If the other person is THAT antsy to cohabitate AND won’t talk in good faith about how much of a commitment they’re considering, I’m OK with that.
 

I do not care about their wish to cohabitate to “find out” if they’d consider marriage. I understand it, but I’m not interested in participating. Trying it and then either one of us deciding, eh, you know what, fuck it, No - That is more risky than I’m willing to chance.

 

Again.

 

The fallout is too costly and unpleasant. There is no way to plan ahead for an amicable breakup as a contingency. “Marriage or hell” is a completely avoidable situation and that’s why I wouldn’t do it again.

[Sally]

My partner and I knew that we didn't want to get married again; we both had had children already and we both had houses.  However, we did try living together to see if that would work.  After trying that twice, with a number of years in between, we realized it would not, and continued our partnership living apart (quite close; only 2 miles from each other's house).  Unfortunately, that didn't make sense to anyone else and our friends didn't really treat our partnership seriously, even though it lasted for 3+ decades.  That really irritated me.  

[ubereatsme]

8 hours ago, Olallieberry said:

There is no way to plan ahead for an amicable breakup as a contingency.

Of course there is. 

 

8 hours ago, Olallieberry said:

If the other person is THAT antsy to cohabitate AND won’t talk in good faith about how much of a commitment they’re considering, I’m OK with that.

Why would you assume that an adult woman (in your case) wouldn't consider the commitment they're making? You know women leave marriages worse off than men the majority of the time because they typically sacrifice career opportunities for domestic labour and caregiving. I would say that it's the women who understand what they're committing to, if anyone. They just sometimes makes that commitment for the wrong reason. 

 

Living together before marriage is a way a woman can see how it will really be when you share space. Will the guy stop doing housework now he has a lady around? Will he become controlling and abusive in other ways once we escalate the relationship (that's what abusers do)? 

 

You're worried about losing money, women are worried you could end up killing them either through murder or misery and exhaustion once you're legally bound. Your concerns are just not equal. 

[Ceebs]

Well, not all women are. I've never once worried about a man I've been in a relationship with murdering or exhausting or mistreating me, or even making me miserable. Even in my marriage to my ex, and obviously we're no longer together, he didn't make me miserable, he's not at all a shitty or abusive or unpleasant person, it just wasn't the right fit for a romantic relationship.

 

I'm absolutely not saying those things don't happen, and if a woman had already experienced that once then I can very much understand where that fear would come from in subsequent relationships, but it's not a universal worry that women have. I've never automatically worried a man will do me harm. When I move in with someone, I wonder about whether we'll both have enough personal space and how our routines will work together and whether I'll be too annoying or need too much alone time or how my mental and physical health struggles will impact them or whether any of their habits will bug me. That's it. It's never occurred to me to worry about the things you mentioned. And my worries would be exactly the same if I was moving in with a female partner.