The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread

[anonymous guest]

18 hours ago, Olallieberry said:

This does happen a lot

Even without any of the other motivations you described?
 

If you just had that recognition of this very sexual feeling, without any desire to pursue or get closer or show something about yourself would you still consider this sexual attraction? 

[anonymous guest]

17 hours ago, Olallieberry said:

I guess so. I am reluctant to really call this “sexual attraction.”

Why is that so? Is it not still rooted in your sexuality? Would you perhaps consider it brief instances of sexual attraction? 

 

i understand that such brief instances obviously do not compare to the feeling/intensity of sexual attraction that perhaps emerges when you pursue someone. but would it still not be some sort of sexual attraction if it’s rooted in your sexuality. 
 

as previously, you did say that you could experience sexual attraction without having a particular thought, and explicit ideas, or fantasy or desire to pursue someone 

you also mentioned in another post that just because an attraction in aesthetic doesn’t mean it’s not sexual (for sexuals), it’s just both 

[anonymous guest]

the only reason i ask is because when I experience sexual attraction, it’s like a flash of that feeling, the one that makes me subconsciously realise that in the right circumstances i would be sexual with them/or that im feeling sexual towards them. 
 

I’m not necessarily thinking anything explicit (like wonder what they look like naked or shirtless) or like “smash” or “hot”, or fantasising, and I don’t always have the desire to do anything (like get closer to them or show them something attractive about myself). 
 

it’s genuinely just like realising that they appeal to me in a sexual manner. just because it feels innately sexual. 
 

And I’m wondering if you need to have that motivation you described to experience sexual attraction. Because I’ve also had cases of aesthetic attraction, and they don’t feel anything like the sexual instances. 

[Olallieberry]

5 hours ago, anonymous guest said:

If you just had that recognition of this very sexual feeling, without any desire to pursue or get closer or show something about yourself would you still consider this sexual attraction? 

Yes.

 

The sexual feeling is what makes it sexual attraction. Motivation is part of that feeling, so, when the motivation disappears, that’s when I’d stop considering it sexual attraction.

 

Thats just for me. Other sexual people might experience it differently or describe/explain/name it differently.

[Olallieberry]

4 hours ago, anonymous guest said:

Because I’ve also had cases of aesthetic attraction, and they don’t feel anything like the sexual instances. 

Sounds like you’ve got it all figured out, tbh

[anonymous guest]

@Olallieberry
Interesting! 
 

thank you so much for bearing with my endless questions. I’ve learnt a lot from you and am figuring myself out. 
 

it’s surprising how everyone’s sexual attraction works differently. I didn’t expect that. 
 

Thank you! 

[anonymous guest]

On 12/21/2024 at 9:39 AM, anonymous guest said:

@Mrs Telecaster-to-be @Olallieberry
 

so what you guys are saying is that all the use of these phrases (smash, hot, id hit that, wouldn’t kick them out of bed, etc etc etc) and descriptors will probably vary between person to person. 
 

There isn’t really anything specific you need to experience (like having a specific thought, or thinking explicitly or thinking about sex or some guy said he wonders what their pubes might look like 😭) for your attraction to qualify as sexual attraction. It’s more of this emotion/feeling or recognition 

@Mrs Telecaster-to-be

[anonymous guest]

On 12/21/2024 at 11:14 AM, anonymous guest said:

do you feel the desire/want to be sexual with them every time you feel sexual attraction? like you want some sort sex or sexual intimacy? 
 

or is it more of a sexual pull towards them? someone described it as subconsciously recognising that in the right circumstance you’d be sexual with them

 

i think olivier compared it to smelling coffee. you can smell coffee and think “yum” without wanting to have any. You can smell coffee and think “yum” and stop to smell it for longer. you can smell coffee and think “yum” but just go on with your day. but sometimes the “yum” is so good that you also want some. and sometimes you can just want coffee without smelling any or thinking “yum” 

also 

@Mrs Telecaster-to-be you seem to know Olivier. what do you think of his analogy? 

[Ceebs]

11 minutes ago, anonymous guest said:

@Mrs Telecaster-to-be

Ah sorry, missed that.

 

Yeah, I'd agree. If the person recognises it as sexual attraction, if it feels to them like how they know they personally experience sexual attraction, it's sexual attraction.

 

Of course, sometimes aces (before they realise they're asexual) think that their romantic feelings or aesthetic draw or whatever to someone are sexual attraction, and then they discover they're not interested in the sex part and are able to reframe their attractions a different way. But if we're speaking about sexual people here, which I assume we are, there isn't a universal experience or one particular feeling or thought or way of expressing it that is absolutely required for it to be attraction that's based in one's sexuality. And of course (as I think has been mentioned) it can vary from one instance to another for the same person. Brief passing attraction on the basis of appearance, someone having a huge crush on an acquaintance they've hit it off with, and desiring one's spouse of many years all involve attraction but to different degrees or in slightly different ways and quite likely different levels of interest in actually acting on it.
 

4 minutes ago, anonymous guest said:

@Mrs Telecaster-to-be you seem to know Olivier. what do you think of his analogy? 

I certainly remember him being a very active regular member years ago and interacting with him, yep. Maybe about 15 years ago? I was in my mid-20s and still pretty confused about my own sexuality at the time. I recall his coffee analogy for sure yeah, though not the specific phrasing. Assuming it's close to what you wrote there, I'd agree with it, yes. It's pretty much what I was saying above. Attraction/desire and the motivation to act on them come in many different degrees depending on the situation and all the factors at play, and of course can also be based on different things. 

[anonymous guest]

On 12/21/2024 at 11:14 AM, anonymous guest said:

is it more of a sexual pull towards them? someone described it as subconsciously recognising that in the right circumstance you’d be sexual with them

@Mrs Telecaster-to-be do you also agree with this part? I believe it was Olivier who said this although I could be wrong 

[Windmills of My Mind]

1 hour ago, anonymous guest said:

it’s surprising how everyone’s sexual attraction works differently. I didn’t expect that.

That is something that only became clear to me while reading and discussing here on AVEN. I am under the impression that many people out there are not aware. That includes sexual people.

[anonymous guest]

1 minute ago, Windmills of My Mind said:

That is something that only became clear to me while reading and discussing here on AVEN. I am under the impression that many people out there are not aware. That includes sexual people.

yeah makes sense. 
 

i have really severe OCD so sometimes it’s hard for my brain to accept that things just are different for everyone, and there is no universal definition or “norm” that people relate to. 

[Ceebs]

9 minutes ago, anonymous guest said:

i have really severe OCD so sometimes it’s hard for my brain to accept that things just are different for everyone, and there is no universal definition or “norm” that people relate to. 

Ah, I'm sorry to hear that because I know that experience all too well. I've lived with OCD all my life as far back as I can recall, back to being a really little kid (wasn't diagnosed till my teens, though) and it sure can be a nightmare.

[Ceebs]

17 minutes ago, anonymous guest said:

@Mrs Telecaster-to-be do you also agree with this part? I believe it was Olivier who said this although I could be wrong 

Yep I think do agree with the bit you quoted. Mostly? Probably? 😅

 

I think my fiancé said something along those lines more than once in his years being active on here. His phrasing was something along the lines of 'all other things being equal, you'd want to have sex with them'. So like... they were interested too, neither of you were in a committed monogamous relationship with someone else, it wasn't some sort of circumstance where it was a bad idea like they were your boss or whatever, you were comfortable with each other, etc.

[anonymous guest]

7 minutes ago, Mrs Telecaster-to-be said:

Ah, I'm sorry to hear that because I know that experience all too well. I've lived with OCD all my life as far back as I can recall, back to being a really little kid (wasn't diagnosed till my teens, though) and it sure can be a nightmare.

oh tell me about it. 
 

I developed it later in life, late teens ish. but it’s been such a change from what I’m used to. a total nightmare. makes me question the tiniest things like my wording or the specificities of what I’ve said 

[anonymous guest]

2 minutes ago, Mrs Telecaster-to-be said:

So like... they were interested too, neither of you were in a committed monogamous relationship with someone else, it wasn't some sort of circumstance where it was a bad idea like they were your boss or whatever, you were comfortable with each other, etc.

knew them well enough etc! 

 

But yeah it’s a bit jarring to hear it like that because quite frankly, I’m not really thinking all these things when I experience those emotions/feelings you know? 

[Ceebs]

Yeah it is often just a recognition of attraction without specific thoughts about what you'd do or the logistics of doing it, if it's something mild and fleeting and realistically impossible.

 

Specifics come into it for me when it's someone I'm getting to know and starting to connect with, but initially there isn't anything detailed for me.

 

3 minutes ago, anonymous guest said:

quite frankly, I’m not really thinking all these things when I experience those emotions/feelings you know? 

Would your thoughts get more detailed once you knew them well, or is it always just a more vague sense for you?

[anonymous guest]

6 minutes ago, Mrs Telecaster-to-be said:

Would your thoughts get more detailed once you knew them well, or is it always just a more vague sense for you?

I think details, specifics, fantasies, all these explicit thoughts etc start coming when I feed into the attraction. 
 

like when I met my boyfriend, it was initially just that feeling of attraction until we started dating and talking. then I just naturally moved into the realm of fantasy etc 

[Ceebs]

I'd say that sounds like a pretty common way to experience things. That's more or less how it works for me, though I don't have to be dating someone already. I do need to have some type of existing dynamic with them in order for more detailed thoughts to be of any interest to me. I guess I'd say when the attraction goes from something fleeting to turning into a proper crush is about the point where I'd actively think about having sex, probably because then I'm repeatedly and consistently thinking about them in general a lot.

[anonymous guest]

11 minutes ago, Mrs Telecaster-to-be said:

I'd say that sounds like a pretty common way to experience things. That's more or less how it works for me, though I don't have to be dating someone already. I do need to have some type of existing dynamic with them in order for more detailed thoughts to be of any interest to me. I guess I'd say when the attraction goes from something fleeting to turning into a proper crush is about the point where I'd actively think about having sex, probably because then I'm repeatedly and consistently thinking about them in general a lot.

Oh yeah I agree! We just happened to go from talking to dating soon so it happened that way. But usually it’s linked to some sort of romantic attraction with that person too. 

[anonymous guest]

1 hour ago, Mrs Telecaster-to-be said:

I do need to have some type of existing dynamic with them in order for more detailed thoughts to be of any interest to me

alright so one more time for the OCD part of my brain, what you’re saying is that you’re not interested in sex or sexual intimacy with someone you feel sexually attracted to until/unless you have some type of existing dynamic with them

 

[Ceebs]

3 hours ago, anonymous guest said:

alright so one more time for the OCD part of my brain, what you’re saying is that you’re not interested in sex or sexual intimacy with someone you feel sexually attracted to until/unless you have some type of existing dynamic with them

 

Yeah, that's how it works for me. I can still feel a bit of attraction but nothing I'd want to act on because that slight attraction doesn't carry any real weight to me. It doesn't translate into a desire to pursue sex with the person. With sexual attraction that mild it's presumably based on something almost instantly perceivable about a person, and it's hard to create any type of dynamic based on that. I don't mean the dynamic has to be something that's been established for months or longer, it might be several interactions where we connect in some way and there's clearly a spark between us, and at that point I'm definitely more aware of a stronger sense of attraction and (even if I don't consciously think it in words), at that stage I would basically be open to sex with them in the near future if the spark/connection continued to grow. That, in turn, is different from having a truly well-established connection and a strong crush and potentially being on the road to falling in love, which is when I'm likely to seriously contemplate sex the most and really hope it's leading in that direction.

[Olallieberry]

10 hours ago, Mrs Telecaster-to-be said:

I certainly remember him being a very active regular member years ago and interacting with him, yep. Maybe about 15 years ago?

Nope, it weren’t me! That would have been quite a few years before the… marital crisis.

 

What’s the coffee analogy?

[ryn2]

3 hours ago, Olallieberry said:

Nope, it weren’t me! That would have been quite a few years before the… marital crisis.

 

What’s the coffee analogy?

Not a typo - the member in question’s screen name was olivier.  He was very active when I first poked around on Aven but gone by the time I joined 4-5 years later.

 

If you search on his name you can probably find old threads…  if I’m remembering correctly he just gradually stopped posting, rather than leaving abruptly/getting banned/orphaning posts.

[Ceebs]

3 hours ago, Olallieberry said:

Nope, it weren’t me! That would have been quite a few years before the… marital crisis.

 

What’s the coffee analogy?

@Olivier, not Ollie. Aussie guy married to an asexual woman, very much a regular at one point. Apparently he hasn't posted in over a decade, but he was online in November...

 

I found one of his old posts. He mentioned the coffee thing more than once. I'm not sure this is the post @anonymous guest was referring to, but you get the gist.

 

 

[Sally]

I remember Olivier -- we had a text correspondence for a while after I'd talked about my partner.  He was a good person and a kind and interesting correspondent.

[anonymous guest]

On 12/29/2024 at 11:57 AM, anonymous guest said:

i think olivier compared it (sexual attraction) to smelling coffee. you can smell coffee and think “yum” without wanting to have any. You can smell coffee and think “yum” and stop to smell it for longer. you can smell coffee and think “yum” but just go on with your day. but sometimes the “yum” is so good that you also want some. and sometimes you can just want coffee without smelling any or thinking “yum” 

@Olallieberry this is the coffee analogy, not word for word but it’s pretty much this 

[anonymous guest]

On 12/4/2024 at 5:09 AM, Mrs Telecaster-to-be said:

On 12/4/2024 at 4:54 AM, anonymous guest said:

some sort of explicit intrusive thought

I think that happens. I guess it does occasionally for me, but not in a bothersome way that interferes with anything I'm doing. Aaaaaand... again, since my libido increases a lot when I have a current sexual connection with a specific someone or would like to do so, it's far more common.

When does you brain usually move into this territory with regards to sexual attraction (when do you start having instantaneous sexual thoughts)? Is it also when you establish some sort of connection and stronger sense of sexual attraction? 
 

also. You mentioned before that you don’t get ocd like intrusive explicit sexual thoughts. So does this mean you mostly choose to have an engage with such types of sexual thoughts about someone you’re attracted to? 

[Ceebs]

1 hour ago, anonymous guest said:

When does you brain usually move into this territory with regards to sexual attraction (when do you start having instantaneous sexual thoughts)? Is it also when you establish some sort of connection and stronger sense of sexual attraction? 

Not exactly sure how to answer that. I guess mostly if I feel like I have a proper crush on someone. I'm not sure 'instantaneous sexual thoughts' is what I'd call it though, it's more like simply an increased awareness of the fact that I feel that way towards them and a stronger desire for it to move from the realm of feelings into something actually happening between us. Personally at least, it's not like I'm suddenly starting to picture them naked or imagine particular sex acts in detail. I suspect a lot of other people might do more of that type of imagining and that I'm on the lower end there. I do have fantasies, but they're not particularly visual ones. My brain has trouble conjuring detailed imagery, so most of my sexual thoughts/fantasies are kind of emotionally-based. They'll be focussed on the connection and dynamic with the other person, the specifics of the situation we're in, sometimes some element of kink... basically the mental imagery doesn't matter a whole lot and it's quite weak anyway, but the circumstances are what my brain really enjoys.

 

So yeah, some type of connection/dynamic is needed for me for that. Out of curiosity, I guess almost as an experiment haha, I've tried to have fantasies about people I don't know at all but who I think are attractive in some way that I can tell is tied to my sexuality. Like a celebrity, that sort of thing. Absolutely nothing comes up. I genuinely draw a blank. I know it's not that I don't think they're attractive, it's just that for some reason I can't conjure what's basically an emotional fantasy if we don't actually know each other. And attempting to picture them naked or something is entirely uninteresting to me, I might as well picture them doing the vacuuming or sitting on the toilet (actually the latter is probably more entertaining at least haha).

 

Tl;dr: I need to have really interacted with them and we need to have a bit of an interpersonal connection going for me to entertain sexual thoughts/fantasies about them, most of which will focus on emotions and not imagery.

 

1 hour ago, anonymous guest said:

also. You mentioned before that you don’t get ocd like intrusive explicit sexual thoughts. So does this mean you mostly choose to have an engage with such types of sexual thoughts about someone you’re attracted to? 

Yeah, you could say that. The feeling of being attracted to someone isn't a choice, but explicit thoughts about them are a choice. They're nothing like the intrusive thoughts I've had with OCD, which generally come out of nowhere and my brain fixates on them and it's hard to get them to go away and they're usually at least somewhat distressing and often feed into compulsions and rituals.

[anonymous guest]

@Mrs Telecaster-to-be

 

i may not have realised it earlier, but I think I relate to a lot of what you’re saying. Physical features don’t necessarily evoke a really strong sexual attraction in me, but dynamics and the character/habits/movement/voice really do. 
 

that’s not to say I don’t feel sexually attracted to looks every once in a while (I do), it’s just not as strong/ it’s more brief than instances triggered by non visual aspects of someone