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The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread


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Olallieberry
19 minutes ago, AngelofDeath22 said:

Why is sex considered a need to most people?

I compared it to food once. When someone was saying “you won’t die without sex,” I pointed out that there might be people who would just as soon have an IV drip or an automated stomach tube instead of eating food, and they’d be more or less fine other than the expense. But for “most people” it would be no substitute for food and it would be constraining and shitty quality of life.

 

I get that this comparison could be taken as pathologizing asexuality since I invoked a medical intervention and a person would actually die without it, but it’s just a simile, a model, for illustration purposes, I don’t intend for it to be taken that literally. 
 

And maybe it’s an exaggeration because those people probably wouldn’t just as soon have an IV or stomach tube, they’d really prefer to just not have to eat. But they’d die without it so there, more exaggeration. There really are people like this though, they don’t have an innate desire for food and find it an inconvenience and often gross.

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1 minute ago, Ollie415 said:

I compared it to food once. When someone was saying “you won’t die without sex,” I pointed out that there might be people who would just as soon have an IV drip or an automated stomach tube instead of eating food, and they’d be more or less fine other than the expense. But for “most people” it would be no substitute for food and it would be constraining and shitty quality of life.

 

I get that this comparison could be taken as pathologizing asexuality since I invoked a medical intervention and a person would actually die without it, but it’s just a simile, a model, for illustration purposes, I don’t intend for it to be taken that literally. 

Oh okay that's interesting. I asked because my professor said that sex is a need and that most men and women are biologically programmed to have sex and the like. Thanks though.

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Olallieberry
4 minutes ago, AngelofDeath22 said:

Oh okay that's interesting. I asked because my professor said that sex is a need and that most men and women are biologically programmed to have sex and the like. Thanks though.

I mean, that’s true. If any living creature didn’t have a need to procreate, there wouldn’t be any more of that kind of living creatures.

 

Doesn’t mean any individual human has to go along with that. There are also humans who will have sex just to procreate and for no other reason - they otherwise just won’t do it.

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4 hours ago, AngelofDeath22 said:

Why is sex considered a need to most people?

Because it's a form of human connection.

 

We usually have other ways we need to connect with people as well, like with family and friends and community. (To varying degrees, because people have different needs; some people are highly social and some are not, some people have no real need for connection with their families and some are very family-oriented, some are super active in their community and others prefer to keep to themselves in that respect.) Anyway, sexual intimacy is one unique type.

 

And like Ollie said, it's not a life-or-death thing, no. But if you have that innate desire for that type of connection, living without it can feel like something is missing.

 

4 hours ago, AngelofDeath22 said:

What does sexual desire feel like?

I don't know how to answer this. What does desire for anything feel like? It feels like... desire. A pull or a craving, perhaps. Think of something you desire strongly, or have at one point. It's that, but for sexual contact with someone. If you're asexual, you'll not have experienced that feeling pertaining to sex, but surely you've desired other things in your life. Perhaps even other types of physical interaction, like a hug.

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.

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20 minutes ago, Ceebs said:

Because it's a form of human connection.

 

We usually have other ways we need to connect with people as well, like with family and friends and community. (To varying degrees, because people have different needs; some people are highly social and some are not, some people have no real need for connection with their families and some are very family-oriented, some are super active in their community and others prefer to keep to themselves in that respect.) Anyway, sexual intimacy is one unique type.

 

And like Ollie said, it's not a life-or-death thing, no. But if you have that innate desire for that type of connection, living without it can feel like something is missing.

 

I don't know how to answer this. What does desire for anything feel like? It feels like... desire. A pull or a craving, perhaps. Think of something you desire strongly, or have at one point. It's that, but for sexual contact with someone. If you're asexual, you'll not have experienced that feeling pertaining to sex, but surely you've desired other things in your life. Perhaps even other types of physical interaction, like a hug.

Ah okay good to know. Yeah it makes sense when you put it that way. It's hard to imagine that kind of feeling. It kind of sounds like people exaggerate but I didn't really know that they felt that way about it.

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5 hours ago, Ollie415 said:

I get that this comparison could be taken as pathologizing asexuality since I invoked a medical intervention and a person would actually die without it, but it’s just a simile, a model, for illustration purposes, I don’t intend for it to be taken that literally. 

It was the most opaque comparison I've ever read.  

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7 minutes ago, Sally said:

It was the most opaque comparison I've ever read.  

Given you couldn’t care less about sex, it makes sense it not be as easy to see.

 

✋🏼 Crystal clear here!

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Olallieberry
54 minutes ago, Sally said:

It was the most opaque comparison I've ever read.  

quoting the "this isn't what I mean at all" disclaimer instead of the actual comparison is a bit opaque to me.

 

*shrugs*

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  • 3 weeks later...

Not sure if this has already been asked (since there are currently 64 pages of this thread 😅)

 

Question for non asexuals (as individuals, I know opinions may vary) regarding mixed relationships (ace with non-ace)

 

How do you feel when a partner does not appear to be sexually attracted to you or just doesn’t want sex? Does this affect your feeling of security or attractiveness in a relationship?


How might one reassure a sexual person in a relationship that a lack of sexual attraction/desire does not mean we (meaning I and anyone who resonates with this question) feel any less attracted to you or want you any less, just that sex isn’t a factor that registers in our brains? How might we help assuage insecurities around sex life without actually having sex, or at least not frequently?

 

This is, of course, assuming that sex is not the defining factor/an absolute necessity for the individual sexual person in the relationship 

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Guest Queerdo
10 minutes ago, CRHarper said:

This is, of course, assuming that sex is not the defining factor/an absolute necessity for the individual sexual person in the relationship 

Not a defining factor/absolute necessity for me. 

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23 hours ago, CRHarper said:

How do you feel when a partner does not appear to be sexually attracted to you or just doesn’t want sex? Does this affect your feeling of security or attractiveness in a relationship?

Security, no. Attractiveness, definitely.

 

23 hours ago, CRHarper said:

How might one reassure a sexual person in a relationship that a lack of sexual attraction/desire does not mean we (meaning I and anyone who resonates with this question) feel any less attracted to you or want you any less, just that sex isn’t a factor that registers in our brains? How might we help assuage insecurities around sex life without actually having sex, or at least not frequently?

That's a tough question, and I suspect a specifically individual one. Because for a lot of us sexuals, there's no replacement. Not in a 'I will never be happy if I don't have it' (excepting the people for whom that is the case, naturally) but in a 'the feeling I get from this I get from nowhere else.' 

 

I wouldn't even necessarily say 'attracted less or want less'. I'd say attracted/wanted 'differently'. Do I feel wanted in a 'wants a relationship' way? Sure. Do i feel 'wanted' in a way that satisfies the part of my sexuality that needs to feel 'wanted/desired'? No. Of course not. That's the often impossible hurdle, isnt it? There is a part of me that will never get sustinance, no matter how much I understand my wife's love languages or we find other forms of intimacy. The needs of my sexuality revolve around reciprocal desire and sex.

 

But again, that's just me, and why I think this is a individualistic question. Because it depends entirely upon the ways in which the non-ace in the relationship is able to have those needs of want/desire satisfied.

 

I don't think sex is a defining factor/necessity for me, but at the same time, no amout of aesthetic attraction will 'feed' the need to be sexually desired. (I try so hard to stay away from the food/eating metaphors yet here we are.) It is something that I have to accept that I will be living without if I'm going to continue in my marriage, which I intend to.

 

Tldr: I dont think there's much the ace partner can do to reassure insecurities or make their non-ace partner feel more wanted specifically in regards to the sexual mismatch. Being able to talk about it helps, the non-ace partner having vocabulary and knowledge helps those discussions.

 

Verytldr: It's probably too individual a thing to give a blanket answer.

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  • 2 months later...
patientallo
On 12/21/2005 at 12:58 PM, Eta Carinae said:

I've got a question!

What's sexual attraction like? I've asked this question to a few other people, and it seems like when I do get a reply, half the time they're describing sensations that don't seem (on their face) to have much to do with sex -- they get weak at the knees, or things like that. If this is the case with you, could you describe how those sensations tie in to sex? In other words, if you know you're attracted to someone because you get weak in the knees, how did you originally realize that that sensation was sexual attraction?

Thanks.

Sexual attraction for me usually happens after getting to know someone who I am physically attracted to, and seeing qualities in them that find attractive (like similar values, interests, vulnerability, sexual desires etc). It usually looks like me fantasising about different sexual scenarios with that person, particularly when I am masturbating. Also, when I realise that this person is into the things I like sexually or willing to try that intensifies the sexual attraction. It has been quite hard to answer this question because I don't think there is a straight answer, what I will say though is I am quite easily tuned on by sexually intimate scenes in movies, shows etc which sometimes annoys me because I find it a little embarrassing. I am very sexual and discovering my partner is ace has been the hard BUT best thing for our relationship because there was a lot of blame that was put on me when it came to us not having sex and that became very difficult to deal with. I am happy to discover there is nothing wrong with me being sexual, desiring sex in all the ways I do and the lack of outlet for this has made me extremely sexually frustrated and that has been something that I am trying to deal with, as it has been affecting some of my decision making. Anyway, I digress and hope my input has been helpful.

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  • 1 month later...
On 5/16/2023 at 12:13 AM, CRHarper said:

Not sure if this has already been asked (since there are currently 64 pages of this thread 😅)

 

Question for non asexuals (as individuals, I know opinions may vary) regarding mixed relationships (ace with non-ace)

 

How do you feel when a partner does not appear to be sexually attracted to you or just doesn’t want sex? Does this affect your feeling of security or attractiveness in a relationship?


How might one reassure a sexual person in a relationship that a lack of sexual attraction/desire does not mean we (meaning I and anyone who resonates with this question) feel any less attracted to you or want you any less, just that sex isn’t a factor that registers in our brains? How might we help assuage insecurities around sex life without actually having sex, or at least not frequently?

 

This is, of course, assuming that sex is not the defining factor/an absolute necessity for the individual sexual person in the relationship 

 I must say that it's very hard. And it was even harder before we discovered that one of us is an ace person. Once I started to understand a little another side I started to feel relieved. For a long time I thought that my partner is too anxious, depressed, that I'm not good enough, etc. We are going to work a compromise now. I know that if I have no sex for too long I become crazy, it's like a drug starvation. To masturbate doesn't help, it's also about a closiness... Regular, planned sex (once a month for example) can make it work, if it's not making an ace uncomfortable. 

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I understand the point being made, but I'm always sceptical of analogies between things like drugs and sex -- especially when making them here on AVEN, where I'd prefer sexuals not be painted as lust-crazed monsters incapable of self-control. Unless of course someone actually has an unhealthy relationship with sex and is using it to cope with underlying issues, the analogy between sexual intimacy in a relationship and drug use isn't a great one. As someone who's experienced several forms of addiction, I wouldn't ever really compare them to my need or desire for sexual intimacy. I'm not saying all of these things don't involve a strong craving, but the cravings I've had to get drunk or engage in unhealthy behaviours with food or chain smoke in order to cope with feelings, avoid feelings, intensify feelings, whatever are not healthy and positive. Craving the touch and closeness of someone who loves me, whether in the form of sex or simply something like a hug, is never damaging to my mental or physical health and it's not a way to cope with deeper painful issues. It's not a psychological or physical addiction. It's joyful, meaningful human connection that only ever has positive effects.

 

Perhaps I'm being pedantic, but I just don't find it the greatest way of explaining a need for sexual intimacy to asexuals, when many of them are coming from a place of viewing it as entirely unnecessary and meaningless and sometimes even shallow, like it's something a person could give up, a need they could overcome, if only they tried hard enough. Addiction requires appropriate treatment and people can live without harmful drugs, alcohol, misuse of food, excessive gambling, video games that take over their every waking moment, etc. The vast majority of people experience emotional pain, lack of fulfilment, a sense of loneliness, depression, etc. when they're unable to have the types of human connection they're wired to need for good psychological health.

 

(Sorry, not meaning to attack! Just something that came to mind that always kinda bugs me when I read those sorts of analogies.)

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Olallieberry

Well, they were just saying what it's like for them, but it's a good point.

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I find it interesting that one of the keystones of this site is the understanding that "asexual" is not one thing, but rather a spectrum. So why would the sexual side be any different?  There isn't one type of "sexual" but similarly it is a spectrum, so people will feel different degrees of 'sexualness'.  

 

I understand the concern with comparing the sexual experience to a drug addiction, but for me, i think it is actually quite accurate. There is no higher high than getting the intimate and sexual experience that you desire - in fact, it is far better than drugs, because it is lasting and real. But similarly, there is no lower low than being without that intimate connection. And knowing that it is out there and that others have exactly what you want, it becomes so unfathomable that it does become a physical as well as emotional craving. Just look at some of the posts here. People admit that without it they become crazy, irritable and empty inside. You can physically feel sick. So no, it isn't just something in people's heads. And yes, it can be both physically and emotionally damaging just like a drug. 

 

This doesn't mean at all that sexuals are running around as sex-crazed maniacs. Afterall, it often isn't just the sex that is missing but the one-on-one intimacy AND with a specific individual that is missing.

 

Essentially, as strong as the feelings can be on the asexual side (repulsed, I believe?), they can be the equal and opposite on the sexual side. We all have our own experiences. 

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The problem with the drug analogy, that's there is no control when you are addicted to a drug. You CAN'T resist, Your brain is broken and makes you do things you would never do normally. Horrible things. No self-control, as said Ceebs.
And even if lack of sex, of sexual intimacy, of connection can be horribly painful - believe me, I KNOW -, there is ALWAYS self-control. That's never an addiction.

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These are the types of analogies other ace people would encourage me to use with partners to make them feel bad about wanting sex with me. 

 

what some should have felt bad about was pressuring me for sex but I really don’t think my response of using these shaming analogies was helpful at all. 

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I don't think people understand what it is like to be a highly functional addict. You don't have to do horrible things...

 

And to suggest that there is ALWAYS self-control with lack of sex and intimacy is just wrong and not true. 

 

Again, my point is each have their own perspective. I am not saying others are wrong - but they don't not speak for all asexuals. 

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26 minutes ago, blews22 said:

I don't think people understand what it is like to be a highly functional addict. You don't have to do horrible things...

 

And to suggest that there is ALWAYS self-control with lack of sex and intimacy is just wrong and not true. 

 

Again, my point is each have their own perspective. I am not saying others are wrong - but they don't not speak for all asexuals. 

I find that post extremely creepy.

Really.

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  • 2 months later...

Late to the party here, but the sex vs drugs comparison is interesting, but I think in the end wrong.

 

IMHO, drugs short circuit /  get around the various human drives that make us do things. Rather than acting in ways that produce happiness, joy, etc, drugs let us get those immediately and as a result reduce the desire to do other things.   In many cases drug use replaces other activities, often in a life destroying way.

 

While there are sex addicts,  for most (sexual) people sex is different. It does produce immediately feelings of happiness / joy - but (maybe because its a partially evolved response) those are limited in time.  Desire for sex and relationships (which are often closely connected for sexuals) also cause people to do active things, engage with others.   Many people behave in ways (subtle or not) to attract partners - not just in their dress but in hobbies, sports, jobs, etc.   Sometimes this is a bit foolish, like buying fancy sports cars, but I think often people are motivated to have interesting / exciting lives in order to be attractive to others.

 

BTW - there are lots of reasons people try to live good lives - but I think attracting partners is one of them.

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I'm not sure I quite understand many of the comments in this sex v. drugs thread. I mean, if somebody says that lack of sex feels to them like drug starvation, then that is their reality, regardless of how it fits the narrative of others. 

 

Whether the person is looking for pleasure (sex) or to dull the pain (drugs) is irrelevant. The point is the feeling when missing either. 

 

And certainly, that missing feeling and where it comes from isn't any indication at all of whether that person will have "self-control" or not. That is just ridiculous. 

 

I suppose the sexuals that "ALWAYS" have self-control have never had a blow-up with their partner over their sexual differences... Never stormed out of the room or slammed a door, and certainly never said anything in the heat of the moment that they regretted later... Because, of course, they had full self-control...

 

That entire thought pattern is utter nonsense. 

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  • 3 weeks later...

I’ve never been in a relationship with an ace before. I met a fellow on OKC presumably in search of love . We’ve dated for months now and he does not make nor respond to sexual advances. He continues to invite me to events and sleep overs and intellectual intimacy grows ( and with it my love for him) but it’s  frustrating and demeaning to be told that he’s not hesitant because the desire just isn’t there. He welcomes cuddling but nothing more and questions aloud about the missing drive to be intimate. Cuddling with him is a gateway activity and leaves me feeling alone and undesirable. Is it possible at 68 yo, he is unaware of his asexuality?

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2 hours ago, Isitworthit said:

I’ve never been in a relationship with an ace before. I met a fellow on OKC presumably in search of love . We’ve dated for months now and he does not make nor respond to sexual advances. He continues to invite me to events and sleep overs and intellectual intimacy grows ( and with it my love for him) but it’s  frustrating and demeaning to be told that he’s not hesitant because the desire just isn’t there. He welcomes cuddling but nothing more and questions aloud about the missing drive to be intimate. Cuddling with him is a gateway activity and leaves me feeling alone and undesirable. Is it possible at 68 yo, he is unaware of his asexuality?

A lot of older people has never heard about asexuality. So yeah, that's totally possible.

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9 hours ago, Isitworthit said:

Is it possible at 68 yo, he is unaware of his asexuality?

Certainly.

 

Alternatively, do you know anything about his past relationships? Most men at 68 are likely still pretty interested in sex, even if they're not as... rampant... as they might've been at 20 haha, but sometimes things can change for people for various reasons. Do you have any idea if he had past relationships that involved a more typical degree of interest in sex, or is this a lifelong pattern? I know it can be a bit awkward for some people to talk about previous relationships and sexual experiences, but since you've said he's wondered himself why he's not interested, it might be worth asking him some questions.

 

Also he doesn't owe you sex of course, but you aren't required to remain in a relationship that lacks mutual desire and leaves you feeling lonely and undesirable.

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9 hours ago, Isitworthit said:

Is it possible at 68 yo, he is unaware of his asexuality?

I second what Ceebs said. If he is content without the sexual element of a relationship and doesn't feel responsive to suggestions and actions of intimacy that would typically precede sex then he likely is asexual but may not know about the term or community. He may never have felt the need to find a label, as the absence of something doesn't always stick out as a trait for one to think about. If he does seem to want to understand this part of him better, the resources on the main site for AVEN (like the FAQ or pages about specific topics) might be a useful starting point. They can also help him better understand his relationship needs and what he can do to better understand yours too.

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