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The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread

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Apostle
On 6/20/2019 at 12:16 AM, anisotrophic said:

 

 

 

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anisotrophic
4 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Lol.🤮

get a life. I'm past the teenage years enby.

 

I'm 40.

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Apostle
On 6/20/2019 at 5:11 PM, anisotrophic said:

 

x

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SusannaC

Wish I was 40.   That seems pretty damned young to me!

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anisotrophic

Yes, yes. But a far cry from teenager, I have children, responsibilities... When I regret a late transition, I'll remind myself there should be many years yet!

It may have come "late" because it wasn't until recently that I saw NB as an option. An important observation to make here is that this assumption of my youth implies that non-binary identities are a fad for young people. Instead, I found an explanation I always wanted -- not unlike asexuality is, for my spouse, as we met each other in a time where that concept was unknown to us.

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festiff

For me, I would have been in my early 30s when I started identifying as nb

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Apostle
On 6/20/2019 at 11:30 PM, anisotrophic said:

 

x

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questdrivencollie

How often do you feel attraction? I imagine it varies from person to person, but how frequent is the norm?

 

I personally can count the times I've felt attracted to someone, romantically or sexually, on one hand. About five times in all. Most of it, four occasions, was more than five years ago. I remember meeting one guy at age 20 and I was just like "oh boy, I'd like to get to know him, maybe that will lead somewhere". Which has been the only occasion of spontaneous romantic interest/attraction that I can remember.

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questdrivencollie

Here's a question for allosexual women:

Have you ever felt sexually attracted to someone, like wanted to have sex with them specifically? Did you only feel this way when in a relationship, or have you been attracted to aquatintances in that way?

 

Can you say you have a general desire for sex? Or did those desires remain hidden from you until you started dating?

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xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

My strongest attraction is towards people I know very well.  I've not had a lot of relationships, four in total, but I threw myself at each of them on the first date.  (Age of each relationship start was 14, 15, 25, 38)Though, for each of those relationships, I had huge secret crushes on them for a while first.

 

I've also had casual sex which is way different.  It's not fuled by the same desire.  It's more primal and high risk and then it's over and you don't even think about that person again.

 

I've had sexual urges since I was a young teenager.  I can go from having no desire for sex to being on fire and I can't always explain why.

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Apostle
On 6/26/2019 at 6:49 AM, xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ said:

 

 

On 6/26/2019 at 6:49 AM, xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ said:

 

x

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Skullery Maid
9 hours ago, questdrivencollie said:

Here's a question for allosexual women:

Have you ever felt sexually attracted to someone, like wanted to have sex with them specifically? Did you only feel this way when in a relationship, or have you been attracted to aquatintances in that way?

 

Can you say you have a general desire for sex? Or did those desires remain hidden from you until you started dating?

I have a general desire for sex, yes. If I'm single, it's not directed at anyone, so if I have sex its to have sex, not to have sex with that person. When there's someone I have a romantic interest in... the liking them comes first, and then my general desire for sex is directed at them and only them. 

 

In other words, I don't understand having sexual attraction for people you don't already have an emotional connection with, but I do understand having sex with them anyway.

 

I never feel that burning feeling except for romantic partners. It's not a feeling I feel outside of a relationship. 

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CBC
9 hours ago, questdrivencollie said:

Have you ever felt sexually attracted to someone, like wanted to have sex with them specifically?

Definitely, of course.

 

9 hours ago, questdrivencollie said:

Did you only feel this way when in a relationship, or have you been attracted to aquatintances in that way?

Mostly in a relationship. If I've felt sexual attraction to acquaintances it's because I've had a crush, but I would be fairly unlikely to bother actually having sex with them.

 

9 hours ago, questdrivencollie said:

Can you say you have a general desire for sex? Or did those desires remain hidden from you until you started dating?

Yes but... not strongly enough that I'd pursue it. For a multitude of reasons, but essentially it's just not in my personality to do so. I don't tend to do any sort of causal socialising really, and casual sex falls in that category. Just not compelling enough to involve myself with a near-stranger that way. I know how to masturbate and that works just fine. No weird and uncomfortable social situations necessary.

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Kyriee
On 6/25/2019 at 8:56 PM, questdrivencollie said:

Here's a question for allosexual women:

Have you ever felt sexually attracted to someone, like wanted to have sex with them specifically? Did you only feel this way when in a relationship, or have you been attracted to aquatintances in that way?

 

Can you say you have a general desire for sex? Or did those desires remain hidden from you until you started dating?

 

cis, pan, demi, allo woman (for reference)

 

Because I'm demi, I only really want sex if I am close to someone.
There's been a time or two when I had sex while not in a relationship or what have you, but it always felt kind of... obligatory? Hollow?

 

And if I am in a healthy relationship, the "switch" (for lack of a better term) for looking for partners goes off, they are all I want etc.

 

There have been some people who are NOT my partner I feel like I would happily hop into bed with, but they are super unattainable (like Gackt, sorry, would not even ask my lifemate for permission or anything, and They understand/ are ok with that lol).
But on the whole, I just can't get into the casual sex thing. (though I will defend the heck out of other people's right to have as much casual sex as they want)

 

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WildWest

I have a question.

When talking about sex, sexuals often mention a "merging" element to it (psychologically speaking). Could you explain it?

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alibali

As an asexual I can't say how it feels, but I believe it makes a couple closer and as one. My ex really only appeared to feel like we were part of a couple when we were having sex or had recently had sex. I didn't need sex to feel committed and close to him and only him. One of the nicest weekends I remember is when we had a weekend away together and left the kids with my Mum....and he was loving  and communicative for the whole weekend......the fact that I remember that clearly is pretty telling about the rest of our relationship when sex was either fraught or non existent.

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Telecaster68
14 hours ago, WildWest said:

I have a question.

When talking about sex, sexuals often mention a "merging" element to it (psychologically speaking). Could you explain it?

It's a kind of reciprocation of pleasure but pretty much simultaneous, so that in my experience, it feels like mine and my partners pleasure are actually the same thing. Making them feel intensely good makes me feel intensely good, and vice versa, and ideally, the build up of sexual arousal and pleasure, and its release, are pretty much simultaneous too, and then so is the oxytocin flood afterwards.

 

Clearly this is an ideal, and the whole thing being that sync'd up is rare, but in most sexual interactions, it's there to an extent, and intense at some points. If one partner isn't experiencing it (like, if they're asexual and just don't link sex and interaction with someone else), the other partner will sense something is 'off', and for most people in a relationship, this takes the shine off the whole thing at the least, and generally figuring out your partner isn't into it makes the whole thing pointless. Obviously some lovers don't care, and if it's a one off, like a ONS or prostitution, it might not matter too much. But in a relationship, it's like trying to have an intense conversation with your partner but they're just going 'aha' and 'mmm' while messing round on their phone.

 

The nearest thing I can think of to this shared experience thing is playing in a band: there's a complicity and shared joy which is pretty much the whole point of being in a band. If the rest of the band are just going through the motions with their heads in their sheet music, you end up feeling you might as well just be playing at home, to yourself. There might be a similar analogy with team sports - I wouldn't know, as I don't play team sports.

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SusannaC
Posted (edited)

I only have one thing to say in response: 

 

   WELCOME BACK TELE!!👋🎉💥.  

           Missed you

Edited by SusannaC
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Nikita98
4 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

There might be a similar analogy with team sports - I wouldn't know, as I don't play team sports.

I never liked team sports.

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MCLoves

Obviously the importance of sex can vary from person to person, but on average, is it really that big of a deal for most people?

As an ace, I don’t really understand the level of importance because sex is just kinda nasty to me.

This is probably a tough question to answer considering it’s so general, but I figured it might be worth a shot to ask.

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Kimchi Peanut
27 minutes ago, MCLoves said:

Obviously the importance of sex can vary from person to person, but on average, is it really that big of a deal for most people?

As an ace, I don’t really understand the level of importance because sex is just kinda nasty to me.

This is probably a tough question to answer considering it’s so general, but I figured it might be worth a shot to ask.

Can you define what a big deal is? 

 

It’s important in my relationship for intimacy but less important for love and unimportant for everything else if that makes sense? I would still love my husband without sex but something would be missing for me. I wouldn’t feel as close. It’s fun, I like it, it makes me feel loved... but yeah, I could live without it. I have a low libido. If I were single, I wouldn’t even think about sex - celibacy would be a nonissue. That’s just me personally though.

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CBC
52 minutes ago, MCLoves said:

Obviously the importance of sex can vary from person to person, but on average, is it really that big of a deal for most people?

Personality-wise I'm not one to seek out people for casual sex (not at all a moral thing; that's just me, I'm very reserved and can be socially anxious, I get nervous just talking to people... it's just something quite unlikely to happen unless perhaps I was very inebriated or whatever), but in a relationship it's really important to me, yeah. A relationship is missing something vital for me without the ability to connect to someone and express emotion that way. I wouldn't ever leave a partner who couldn't have sex for some reason (disability, for example), but I wouldn't enter into a relationship with someone who was asexual. (Putting aside the fact that I did so in the past... but I didn't know myself very well then, so.) It sucks when someone doesn't feel those things for you (and it sucks when you realise you're with the wrong person and are trying to have a sexual relationship with someone you don't feel that stuff for very much, either). It's hollow, incomplete.

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Telecaster68
1 hour ago, MCLoves said:

Obviously the importance of sex can vary from person to person, but on average, is it really that big of a deal for most people?

As an ace, I don’t really understand the level of importance because sex is just kinda nasty to me.

This is probably a tough question to answer considering it’s so general, but I figured it might be worth a shot to ask.

About comparable with conversation for me, for very similar reasons. 

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MCLoves

@disGraceful What I mean to ask is basically: Is a relationship without sex a sort of “deal breaker” for the average sexual person?

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Telecaster68
5 minutes ago, MCLoves said:

@disGraceful What I mean to ask is basically: Is a relationship without sex a sort of “deal breaker” for the average sexual person?

Yes.

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CBC

Course it is, why on earth would it not be. It's not a random hobby like playing tennis. It's meaningful and intimate human connection.

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TimeDelay

Like Telecaster and CBC say, it's about communicating with another human being. It's vital for those of us who are wired that way. There is no deeper sense and affirmation of our human connection than what we experience during sexual interactions. 

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Anthracite_Impreza
11 hours ago, CBC said:

It's not a random hobby like playing tennis.

To be fair to @MCLoves, I used to think it was just a random hobby, and that was only after learning people did the deed for non-reproductive purposes. It was the only reason I could fathom doing it for otherwise. It was like, I hate sewing, some people like it; it's their hobby. I assumed sex must be the same.

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uhtred
23 hours ago, MCLoves said:

Obviously the importance of sex can vary from person to person, but on average, is it really that big of a deal for most people?

As an ace, I don’t really understand the level of importance because sex is just kinda nasty to me.

This is probably a tough question to answer considering it’s so general, but I figured it might be worth a shot to ask.

I don't have any statistics on "most", but for "many" sexual people, sex is extremely important.  For those people (in general):

 

Sex is the difference between friendship and love.  (which are very different things for those people).

 

Sex is essential to being happy in a relationship. Without it you feel like something vital is missing from your life. 

 

Sex is not nasty, but rather a natural continuation of love and romance. The lack of it makes the relationship feel broken, incomplete. 

 

Sex is basically why straight people love people of the other gender, and homosexual people love those of the same gender.  It is the primary distinguishing feature.  To most sexuals, what else is really the important difference between falling in love with a man or a woman. 

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CBC
4 hours ago, uhtred said:

To most sexuals, what else is really the important difference between falling in love with a man or a woman. 

Mostly agreed with your post, however I'm not 100% on this. I connect differently, emotionally, with men and women. With guys it's either an entirely platonic friendship or it's some type of obviously sexual pull (pretty much always personality-based, not a physical thing) that results in a crush. With women it's platonic or it's romantic and sexual (again a personality thing, not a "wow they're hot" thing), and under the right circumstances I'll fall in love. I don't seek out long-term romantic relationships with men (well, I did... I married one... but it didn't work, for reasons pertaining to both of us), and that's because I connect with them differently. It's not about the sex exactly, although the difference in the emotional component affects the way I experience sex.

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