The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread

[butterflydreams]

My point is that 'the media' (which is a troublesome concept anyhow) isn't *creating* positive reactions towards sex, it's developing something that's already there.

South Park did a hilarious parody of alcohol commercials. It's funny because it's true:

For me it's like a weird curve with a valley in the middle. If I don't know them at all and find them attractive, I sometimes experience something like a desire to touch their body and undress them and stuff. If I'm in limerence phase, that desire goes away, and instead I'm totally focused on wanting to get to know them. And if I've known them for a while and we're close, the sexual desire comes in full force.

Re: the bold part...do we have any sense of how common that is? I'm wondering if it's the kind of thing that's hit or miss depending on the situation, and the people involved.

Oh oh, related question, did you know that you'd have that sexual desire after becoming close before you'd ever become close with anyone before?

[El-not-so-ace]

Ugh, I'm repulsed so I hate watching graphic sex scenes or nudity on TV... I prefer shows that make them cover up a bit at least. Why would it be cool to watch my friends doing that? Why's it different with actors? When I mentioned this at work, I got weird glances... Hehe...

Though I must say that I've got a bad self-image so I can't help but compare myself with the actresses and I feel like no one could love or be attracted to someone with so many physical flaws. I have no idea how to stop comparing myself so I tend to just avoid movies or shows with nudity. My heart literally feels heavy after writing that down. :/

I feel like I should go to a nudist beach someday since they say it helps to see imperfect bodies as something completely normal. That and trying to tell myself positive sentences is all I have left to try. :(

[Quinoa]

I have a question. I've heard several places about not being able to look directly at someone who is attractive. I first heard it in "Call Me Maybe" and dismissed it as just a weird lyric that didn't make sense, but then I heard it in this video. Can anyone explain what it's about?

[Quinoa]

It's partly that there's a really strong draw to stare at someone you're attracted to, and you become aware of it, realise it could be a bit creepy, and over-correct.

Actually, that makes sense. Thank you!

[OutsideObserver]

It's partly that there's a really strong draw to stare at someone you're attracted to, and you become aware of it, realise it could be a bit creepy, and over-correct.

Actually, that makes sense. Thank you!

I've never asked Carly Rae Jepson about it personally, but I always assumed the "hard to look right at you" was short for "It's hard to look right at you... without feeling embarrassed or foolish because it's obvious I'm really into you" But maybe that's just my interpretation.

[El-not-so-ace]

Yeah, no one wants to be a creep and stare, nor look desperate or too needy. So they need to purposely look on fewer opportunities or to remember to look away. :P

[magnificat]

Ok so I have a question for sexual and asexual people and sorry in advance if this is TMI

I see random strangers and often say "Wow, they're super attractive". I've watched movies with sex scenes and never felt particularly grossed out or embarrassed, and I've even explored romance novels with graphic sex scenes in them. I've felt aroused sometimes when reading, but when I imagine myself having in that scenario or having sex with someone at all I feel repulsed. I even had a long-term boyfriend with whom I had sex with on multiple occasions because I liked making him feel good, but I was eventually so uncomfortable and felt so grossed out that we broke up. Is this something other people experience? Either sexual or asexual? I'm still trying to figure out if I'm really ace or not :/

[Snao Cone]

Ok so I have a question for sexual and asexual people and sorry in advance if this is TMI

I see random strangers and often say "Wow, they're super attractive". I've watched movies with sex scenes and never felt particularly grossed out or embarrassed, and I've even explored romance novels with graphic sex scenes in them. I've felt aroused sometimes when reading, but when I imagine myself having in that scenario or having sex with someone at all I feel repulsed. I even had a long-term boyfriend with whom I had sex with on multiple occasions because I liked making him feel good, but I was eventually so uncomfortable and felt so grossed out that we broke up. Is this something other people experience? Either sexual or asexual? I'm still trying to figure out if I'm really ace or not :/

Hi magnificat!

The fact that you can easily separate sex as it's happening in fiction (movies, TV, books) from sex that you envision yourself having would strongly suggest that you're asexual. Many people on AVEN have had sex in relationships as a compromise with sexual partners, and some of them have stories that parallel yours. You put up with it while you could, because you wanted to please your partner, but it sounds like it's ultimately not something that you genuinely desire with anyone.

Of course this advice is just based on what you've told us here, and human emotion/sexuality is rarely ever that simple (), so if you find yourself still confused or starting to think differently, don't worry about not fitting the definition. AVEN is here to help you make sense out of your a/sexuality rather than telling you what to think or feel.

[Luftschlosseule]

Ok so I have a question for sexual and asexual people and sorry in advance if this is TMI

I see random strangers and often say "Wow, they're super attractive". I've watched movies with sex scenes and never felt particularly grossed out or embarrassed, and I've even explored romance novels with graphic sex scenes in them. I've felt aroused sometimes when reading, but when I imagine myself having in that scenario or having sex with someone at all I feel repulsed. I even had a long-term boyfriend with whom I had sex with on multiple occasions because I liked making him feel good, but I was eventually so uncomfortable and felt so grossed out that we broke up. Is this something other people experience? Either sexual or asexual? I'm still trying to figure out if I'm really ace or not :/

Mostly, I am confused when I see a sex scene, because I didn't see that coming. It's like I missed a part, because I didn't feel the atmosphere that supposedly built up and led to the characters having sex - I am not grossed out.

Or, if I am grossed out, it's because one of these movies in which heroe and female lead hated each other from the beginning, or at least didn't like each other, but endet up in bed anyway. Or, hey, it's James Bond, so he has to sleep with her! But then it isn't because of the scene as such, but because of the tropes. Because a woman is just there for the men to have sex with.

For me, it's okay if the sex scene is important for the character development instead of just being there as eye-candy for the sexuals. Or to fill time.

I like them especially if I really need to visit the bathroom and there are no commercials, so I can go without feeling to miss something important. xD

Written erotica may arouse me, which always confuses me. I enjoy the arousal, if it doesn't annoy me, and there's nothing more to it. I don't want to have sex, I don't image me having sex, I just read on, following the plot. If there is any.

You sound very ace to me, if that helps.^^

[alibali]

...I think I just will never know what sexual attraction is. I have used sex as a way to get attention from someone if they didn't want a relationship, or they didn't want to cuddle, as a way to get close to them but there's no pull towards the sex acts. I can see it as an expression of love but more like I love this person enough to please them in this way. I enjoy the feelings more than the act and it's not much different than just kissing someone. I just like the intimate side rather than the sexual stuff involved or by themselves, which is why I hate using sex as a way to get attention from a partner when I don't even want that stuff. I hope that makes sense.

It makes total sense to me. I personally think that the main difference between sexuals and asexuals is an intrinsic desire to have partnered sex. I think the experience of attraction itself is so similar between the two that sometimes it's hard to see a real difference. The terms romantic, aesthetic, and so forth are what many sexual people might think are basic components of sexual attraction.

I think sexual people are attracted to certain people and either right away or sometime later they think about sex with the person or desire to have it with them. I think asexual people are attracted to certain people but it doesn't lead to a desire for sexual contact with that person as part of that attraction.

Yep. I have had quite a few encounters with different people....well until about 10 year's ago. I have also experienced arousal (but it doesn't feel right or good, or something I want to continue or pursue) and I have felt drawn to people. What I would usually like to do with people I feel drawn to or attracted by is to have a pint (beer) with them, which is a euphemism for talking and getting to know them. No desire for partnered sex, other than to prove my self worth, my attractiveness to the opposite sex, or to keep them interested or to fulfill their conjugal rights...

[alibali]

Aware that I quoted an old quote. Sorry. I no longer have any need to have sex, as I am single and am old enough to not need to prove either myself or myself as attractive. It's a very liberating place to be although I wish I'd known this earlier!

[Casimir]

Ok so I have a question for sexual and asexual people and sorry in advance if this is TMI

I see random strangers and often say "Wow, they're super attractive". I've watched movies with sex scenes and never felt particularly grossed out or embarrassed, and I've even explored romance novels with graphic sex scenes in them. I've felt aroused sometimes when reading, but when I imagine myself having in that scenario or having sex with someone at all I feel repulsed. I even had a long-term boyfriend with whom I had sex with on multiple occasions because I liked making him feel good, but I was eventually so uncomfortable and felt so grossed out that we broke up. Is this something other people experience? Either sexual or asexual? I'm still trying to figure out if I'm really ace or not :/

I can relate to you in some ways and others in not. I feel repulsed seeing sex and sexual acts. I don't like seeing it in movies or shows or in any way. I have to physically turn my head away because I don't like it. (I don't like porn because of this) On the other had written erotica does arouse me. I feel much like you, reading about others doing it arouses me, but if I try to put myself in that situation I immediately get disgusted.

I'm a virgin and not planning on changing that any time soon, but if you don't like something you shouldn't feel compelled to do it. If sex in general sounds distasteful or unappealing, you might be ace. If it only sounds appealing in certain situations or with certain people, you could be somewhere else in the spectrum and not necessarily fully asexual. I suggest you explore the different types of asexuality, such as grey or demi, to see where you might fit. It's all about how you feel. Hope this helped some!

[lkels]

Hi, pansexual here. Happy to answer any questions you may have in relation to sexuality and sex etc. I have a fairly high sex drive and have had a varied sexual history. My brother is asexual, hence I am here don't hesitate to ask anything! 

[lec16]

On August 17, 2016 at 10:06 AM, Luftschlosseule said:

 

For me, it's okay if the sex scene is important for the character development instead of just being there as eye-candy for the sexuals. Or to fill time.

I like them especially if I really need to visit the bathroom and there are no commercials, so I can go without feeling to miss something important. xD

 

This. 

[Snao Cone]

9 hours ago, lkels said:

Hi, pansexual here. Happy to answer any questions you may have in relation to sexuality and sex etc. I have a fairly high sex drive and have had a varied sexual history. My brother is asexual, hence I am here don't hesitate to ask anything! 

 

What do you mean by "varied sexual history"?

[Manticone]

I, too, use sex scenes as ''bathroom trip time'' when I am at the theater. That said, I can romantically ship couples I really like and then enjoy scenes when they are doing cute things for one another. Again, that's not sex, but it's of a romantic or cute nervous nature. Or maybe I enjoy watching people be awkward around people since I am an awkward enough person. XD

 

Interestingly enough, I am pretty confident I am aro, but if I ship a couple in a TV show or film or book series, I can totally be cheering on their own little fictionalized romance. Since I am also ace, I find it fascinating how I am definitely more romance-friendly than sexually interested in the development of the characters. Perhaps because one I see as strictly something bodily (an impulse, like hunger or thirst that motivates a character to do something sort of, in my opinion, mechanized) but on its own doesn't draw me in the same way that emotional progression does?

 

Does anyone else identify as aro but find themselves more or less okay with certain romantic scenes (provided you care about said characters. There are characters that I find awfully dull or 2D, and as such...their ''romantic moments'' are also awful, imo).

 

 

 

[Snao Cone]

@Manticone I'm definitely aro but find some romantic plotlines interesting. It has to be done well, though - subtle and realistic and humanizing. It's the same with sex scenes. Gratuitous ones will get an eye roll. That's not because I'm asexual, though. It's because I like quality entertainment.

[cavalier080854]

2 hours ago, Snow Cone said:

@Manticone I'm definitely aro but find some romantic plotlines interesting. It has to be done well, though - subtle and realistic and humanizing. It's the same with sex scenes. Gratuitous ones will get an eye roll. That's not because I'm asexual, though. It's because I like quality entertainment.

Jane Austen, the perfect author for Asexuals, no sex, just a very witty and sharp observer of human behaviour.

[DoomDodo]

I've got a question:

 

When sexual people ask you out, does that usually mean they have (or are) experienced some sexual attraction towards you? Inversely, if I ask someone out, will they assume that they're sexually attractive to me? And lastly, when you decide whether you like someone back, is sexual attraction among the things you base your evaluation on?

 

 

[kasuchans]

8 hours ago, DoomDodo said:

I've got a question:

 

When sexual people ask you out, does that usually mean they have (or are) experienced some sexual attraction towards you? Inversely, if I ask someone out, will they assume that they're sexually attractive to me? And lastly, when you decide whether you like someone back, is sexual attraction among the things you base your evaluation on?

 

 

1) If a sexual person asks you out, it means they are attracted to you. This generally includes sexual attraction among other factors, yes. 

2) Unless you're an open asexual, most people will assume someone asking them out is interested in the same manner as above. 

3) Two things. One, people don't usually "decide" to like someone back. It just sort of happens. That being said, when you are romantically interested in someone as a sexual person, you are usually sexually attracted to them as well as romantically, because the two are kinda wrapped up in each other. (You can be sexually attracted to someone but not romantically, however.)

[Lara Black]

10 hours ago, DoomDodo said:

I've got a question:

 

When sexual people ask you out, does that usually mean they have (or are) experienced some sexual attraction towards you? Inversely, if I ask someone out, will they assume that they're sexually attractive to me? And lastly, when you decide whether you like someone back, is sexual attraction among the things you base your evaluation on?

 

 

I’d say, it’s generally a bit more complicated than just “sex” or “no sex”. Since people of different sexes can be friends, so can gay and straight people of the same sex, every invitation to a dinner can’t be about sex. But if sexual person finds the other party attractive (in some way), he or she might hope for sex. So we usually have different ways of checking for the possibility of sex: that sometimes includes touching and watching the other person’s reaction to a touch, might be some demonstration of sexuality and a bit of provocation etc. Therefore, it seems to me that sexualisation of a relationship is a step-by-step process rather than a one-time decision. At any point the asexual can present him or herself as such and lay the foundation for a non-sexual friendship.

[Tarfeather]

On 12/21/2016 at 10:09 AM, Lara Black said:

So we usually have different ways of checking for the possibility of sex: that sometimes includes touching and watching the other person’s reaction to a touch, might be some demonstration of sexuality and a bit of provocation etc.

To be honest, that stuff is totally alien to me, and I'm not even asexual. I don't get why people have to play these "games" (that's what it feels like to me) and can't just openly say what's on their mind / what they desire..

[nanogretchen4]

Keep in mind that a substantial fraction of asexuals experience responsive desire. They don't desire sex until aroused, and the "games" either arouse them or not, which helps them figure out whether they are sexually interested in a new acquaintance.

[nanogretchen4]

Yeah, sorry. I typed sexuals, but AVEN autocorrect doesn't believe sexual can be a noun.

[lkels]

Hey, I'm a 25 year old female pansexual. My brother is asexual, hence I have found AVEN. I am more than happy to answer any questions about anything in regards to sex, sexuality and the like. I have had a very broad and varied sex life and will answer to the best of my ability, or give my opinion if that's what you're after! I'm open to answering anything! 

 

Have a good day! 

 

- L xx 

[Tarfeather]

8 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

It's also just down to tentative exploring without exposing yourself to too much vulnerability in one do or die move. 

Vulnerability? Do or die move? You sound as if there were some sort of penalty to opening up about your desires and learning that the other currently has no wish to meet them.

[Tarfeather]

No, just baffled by the way humans behave. I do understand it, it's just.. hard to believe sometimes. If me and my girlfriend thought in such patterns, our relationship, even our friendship, wouldn't have worked in a million years. From the start, we had to communicate, learn to understand someone who's totally different to ourselves, learn what we can do to support the other. I realize that the same doesn't work with most women I've taken an interest in since, and it just makes things a lot harder than they would have to be. Trying to guess what the other might want, from the emotions you read in them, and very subtle indicators alone.. sometimes even having to guess things that directly contradict their explicit statements, it makes things very complicated. I understand that people think and act in these ways, I just kind of wish they wouldn't.

[Lara Black]

There are two distinctly different styles of starting a relationship. One can be called typical dating – with all those games, staying guarded to protect one’s self-esteem and trying to calculate whether or not the other guarded person will make a good partner in relationships. The other one is about being open pretty much from the start – it might not even involve any dates per se.

Each style has its pros and cons. The first one leaves many people with the feeling of “playing a game” (and losing it), of being dishonest, not knowing some secret rules etc. The second often forces people to be more open than they would be comfortable with – sort of emotionally naked. It seems that every person chooses for themselves, which style is best for them. And having chosen, they are pretty much stuck with the people who made the same choice – it’s very uncomfortable for two people with different styles to interact.

[Tarfeather]

5 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

The penalty is feeling rejected. You honestly don't get this? 

Rejection is an opportunity for growth, nothing more, nothing less. But I get what you're saying. If you are somehow able to deceive yourself about the fact that you want something you can not have, then you might save yourself some pain. Just, in my experience, that's a really bad idea in the long term.

 

Quote

Maybe some of the point is that if you each understand the other's subtle contradictory signals, you're going to be at least somewhat compatible. 

Not sure what you mean. With a basic talent for sensing feelings and a lot of practice, you can easily understand it. So compatibility is something that can be practiced / learned? Hm.. maybe that's the truth.

 

3 hours ago, Lara Black said:

There are two distinctly different styles of starting a relationship. One can be called typical dating – with all those games, staying guarded to protect one’s self-esteem and trying to calculate whether or not the other guarded person will make a good partner in relationships. The other one is about being open pretty much from the start – it might not even involve any dates per se.

Each style has its pros and cons. The first one leaves many people with the feeling of “playing a game” (and losing it), of being dishonest, not knowing some secret rules etc. The second often forces people to be more open than they would be comfortable with – sort of emotionally naked. It seems that every person chooses for themselves, which style is best for them. And having chosen, they are pretty much stuck with the people who made the same choice – it’s very uncomfortable for two people with different styles to interact.

I disagree with that by counter example. Of the last two women I've taken an interest in, one thought herself to be the latter style - seemingly open in communication, expressing what they wanted, etc. But it turned out that what she said were often lies, lies most likely intended to deceive herself first, not others. The moment you started being honest toward her, she wouldn't be able to cope.

 

The other is in a monogamous relationship, so not even in the "dating pool". She's still playing those "games" with me, guarding herself as you say, yet very clearly not rejecting me. And you know, somehow that's the real tragedy? If you're single, I can sort of maybe get it and view it as acceptable. But if you're in a relationship, the potential damage you could do to your relationship, to your partner.. But maybe that's easier for some, than becoming aware of and genuinely trying to address the issues you have in your own relationship? *shrugs*

 

It's not like I don't understand it. Unlike you suggested, as someone who prefers open communication, I'm not even uncomfortable with getting close to someone who doesn't. I can play those games without risk, because at every step I do my best to be aware of myself, to find areas where I'm not content with myself and improve, to be honest with my partner and let her know about every detail of my feelings that's relevant to her. I have nothing to lose. I don't need to be "guarded", but if the other needs this layer of safety, I can provide it.

 

It's just that it doesn't really make sense to me, that anyone would prefer this to just talking things out honestly and openly.

 

3 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Even with the latter style, there's still an element of exploring whether the other person wants to be more than friends and at some point one of you has to put yourself on the line and open to rejection. The 'games' and hints are a way of doing that very tentatively and making the risk as little as possible. 

Well, with the latter style you just say it. It's what I did with my girlfriend. When I just barely knew her, I told her how I felt, she listened but didn't give any clear indication of what she wanted (nor did I expect her to). Then I dropped the subject because there was nothing more to discuss. Three weeks later, without me bringing the subject up again, she gave me a letter telling me she wanted to be in a relationship with me. That was it. That's how "dating" works for "simple-minded" people like us.

[nanogretchen4]

I think some of the things you consider games are more like nonverbal communication and subtle social cues. It's important for people in a sexual relationship to actually talk about sex on a regular basis, but most people don't want to be verbally processing every little thing in real time while they are having sex. That's distracting and unerotic for many people. So they would prefer someone who can learn to read their nonverbal signals. How you do the mating dance is a factor in how compatible you are as a mate.

 

As you have also seen, verbal communication is not necessarily more honest or clear than nonverbal communication. People can't just tell you exactly what they want as soon as they meet you, because they probably don't know yet. What they want may be conditional on what they think you want. For example, they may be basically monogamous but considering breaking up with their current partner if they see someone better. So on the one hand, they would only want to be with you if they thought the chances were decent that you would eventually make a monogamous commitment to them. But on the other hand they may not yet know you well enough to be sure they would prefer you to their current partner anyway. Once they say any of this out loud they are being unfaithful and the decision has been made. So for now they are testing the waters without doing anything irrevocable.