The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread

[Martin de V]

It depends on the occasion. Could you be more specific?

[Mo!]

I'm new but I am willing to answer questions as a sexual married to an asexual.

[AoH]

Platonic crushes/squishes seem to be pretty common around here, which is understandable. But my question is: do sexuals often get these kinds of crushes? It seems that most of the people I know outside of the internet haven't even heard of such a thing.

[Emery.]

"Platonic crush" seems to be a self-contradition to me. Platonic feelings, yes. Crushes, yes. But platonic crushes, no.

[Tarfeather]

"Platonic crush" seems to be a self-contradition to me. Platonic feelings, yes. Crushes, yes. But platonic crushes, no.

Maybe you've never had one? I've had several. They're kind of friendship-starters, where you're obsessing over this one person for several days, but without the hormonal responses of a crush. You know, kind of like obsessing over a new hobby / video game / whatever.

[Emery.]

I never really thought about it that way. Maybe?

[Guest]

Platonic crushes/squishes seem to be pretty common around here, which is understandable. But my question is: do sexuals often get these kinds of crushes? It seems that most of the people I know outside of the internet haven't even heard of such a thing.

We just don't call them that. AVEN likes to make words for things that are just widely accepted and understood... platonic crushes being one of them. I'm a grown ass adult, I'm not going to go around announcing crushes. Doesn't mean it doesn't happen, and it's exactly as Tar describes above.

[Talidara]

For me when someone is sexually attracted to me i kinda find it creepy having the thought that they want to have my body is just well repulsive i know its not a choice but they CAN control actions...Someone trying to get under my skirt just makes me feel very uneasy so i prefer to stay cautious if someone is sexually attracted to me.

I just wanted to say that I mostly agree with you on this. ;u; it's not with everyone but with most people and I'm glad I'm not alone!

I'm not alone either ;U;

Yay for platonic togetherness! :lol:

YAY :D

On sites as 9gag they often post things like: If you're feeling down, remember that you're someone's reason to masturbate.

I'm not even sex averse, but this is really gross to me. Especially since there's quite a few boys in my group of friends, and the last thing I'd ever want is for one of them to have sexual thoughts about me. Or think it would be someone not in your friend group, someone that barely knows you.

I get all paranoid thinking about it... Stupid posts...

I just can't imagine that people are actually happy about that, if it were true.

[levelskid]

Why is it that little interest in sex is regarded as emotionless and uncaring?

[Snao Cone]

Why is it that little interest in sex is regarded as emotionless and uncaring?

I'm stealing this question from sexuals because I think I know the answer anyway: sex is a deep emotional and physical need for sexual people, so many sexual people may interpret little/no interest in sex as having little/no interest in meeting their needs.

[sophiaphilo]

Maybe you've never had one? I've had several. They're kind of friendship-starters, where you're obsessing over this one person for several days, but without the hormonal responses of a crush. You know, kind of like obsessing over a new hobby / video game / whatever.

Wow. I always felt like a weirdo when I experienced this and tried to stay away from whoever I felt like that for. Thank you for your words, they give me things to consider. Out of curiosity, how have you approached people about whom you've felt this way? I could never figure out how to start a conversation. 'Hi, I find you randomly absolutely entrancing, may I be in your presence for a while?' always came across as a bit stalkery in my head...

[V.Jay]

Sexual thing is a carnal thing, i think, its arouse nothing more, i dont think anyone made love to me just sex, they just wanted to eat me. My sexuals relantioships the main thing for them was that and im assexual. More important to "eat" some one was the love and the full meaning of the word. My last relantioship broke up because i came to terms im assexual and the pilar of our relantionship it wasnt love, frienship, companioship...For him that was more important and he felt less than a man because i didnt look for him in that way. Understanding him, not judjing him, loving him and so on was the world for me. Unforfantly he also said i dindt love and use him. Im not carnal person and dont see sex as the pedestal of a relantioship. Sorry hope i helped some how.

[Tom O]

ETA: We have a thread! Any other sexuals wishing to answer questions should consider themselves begged to enlighten us

Original Message

A very long time ago, I posted a thread wondering if asexuals would be interested in a thread addressed something like 'Questions to Sexuals'. It would be a thread for asexuals to ask questions that they're not really comfortable asking close firneds/relatives/whatever. If I don't get any objections, and if I can get a few sexuals to sign up and sort of keep watch over the thread to answer the questions, I'll run it across the mods. That is assuming no one has a problem with it.

Any takers?

I'm new here. Male sexual in a monogamous relationship with an asexual woman. I'm here to understand more about asexuality, so happy to answer any questions since that'll help us both, maybe... :)

[Tom O]

Why is it that little interest in sex is regarded as emotionless and uncaring?

I think (and I'm formulating this theory on the spot), that as men we're brought up and conditioned to show little emotion. Crying is not manly, you're supposed to grit your teeth through pain, butch up, all that sort of harmful junk we're taught by pretty much everyone from everywhere. The news that your whole family died in a freak fireball is to be met with a stoic expression and a stiff shot of scotch. However, sex is where men are "allowed" (to some limited degree) to express themselves in a socially acceptable way. It's not right that this seems to be the case, but I suspect that if you're a man who's not interested in sex, you're (to these kinds of people) forfeiting your "right" to that emotional release, thus leaving you as being simply the emotionless man without the balancing bit of the equation that is sex.

Same goes for caring. It's not manly to care about stuff as a general rule, unless it's sports. In the most manly of circles even expressing affection for "your woman" is considered to be sailing too close to being deviant. Again, eschewing sex is essentially giving up what some perceive as your right to care about something that's acceptable, therefore, you don't care about anything (because what's more important than sex, right?).

I think compounded with this, there's a pop culture stereotype of a person (man or woman) who is cold and calculating and therefore can ignore the more 'human' side of things like empathy and compassion. It's a trope often seen in villains, or aliens. To some degree, you're flipping that round, by not caring about sex, you must therefore be cold and emotionless, otherwise that pop culture stereotype is wrong, and it can't be wrong since it's... well it's a stereotype, that means it's basically true, right?

If you're a woman who doesn't care for sex, then (by the above logic), you must therefore be more like a man, because you're able to quell the natural womanly explosion of uncontrolled emotion that makes you yearn for a big strong man to <insert misogyny here>, etc. And only men can control emotions, and therefore, because you don't want sex you're controlling that emotion, that desire, so you're essentially lumped into the same group as men. Congrats, you're not even a woman anymore.

I think there's more that possibly plays into this, I can think of a few more things, but I feel that's the gist.

In short. You know you're more interesting, diverse, passionate, empathetic and expressive than just what your sexual orientation or preferences telegraph to the outside world, and that's enough for anyone who should matter to you. In my opinion.

[Tom O]

Sexual thing is a carnal thing, i think, its arouse nothing more, i dont think anyone made love to me just sex, they just wanted to eat me. My sexuals relantioships the main thing for them was that and im assexual. More important to "eat" some one was the love and the full meaning of the word. My last relantioship broke up because i came to terms im assexual and the pilar of our relantionship it wasnt love, frienship, companioship...For him that was more important and he felt less than a man because i didnt look for him in that way. Understanding him, not judjing him, loving him and so on was the world for me. Unforfantly he also said i dindt love and use him. Im not carnal person and dont see sex as the pedestal of a relantioship. Sorry hope i helped some how.

I think you're right on the money with this, though I will say I think at its best, sex should be an expression of love (though I've never experienced it). I'm sorry he couldn't feel your love for what it was, and I hope you find someone who understands you next time - they do exist!

[Caged Bird]

Hi!

So I just read this whole thread (yes all 10 years/ 31 pages of it), because I just can't do anything by halves, it's always all or nothing for me (took me the better part of two weeks). It did answer a lot of questions but I've got another one: If you masturbate without actively fantasizing about anything and just let your mind wander, where does it go?

I'm just asking because I was curious and I tried that and the answer for me is, it goes nowhere, it stays right where it is wondering about where it will wander if left to it's own devices and then goes on to wonder about where other minds would go if put under the same conditions, at which point my inner scientist kicked in and started planning sample sizes and experimental conditions and control groups and practically turned the whole thing into a scientific study.

So now I'm curious: What do sexuals think about during masturbation, if they aren't actively fantasizing about something.

Fellow scientific mind here and I'm not a sexual, but on the rare occasion that I have masturbated (and I'm not really sure why I have, tbh) my mind is quite blank. I think of sex quite clinically really and masturbating doesn't have me thinking of someone or even fantasies, even though I do sometimes fantasise. It usually makes me think of a good book I once read about an author, because he masturbates, which makes me think about other books and books I've read and should read again and books I haven't yet read but should read and then all the things that I could/should be doing and then "Oh, shit!" because I have coursework to do which I haven't done and everyone else has and I need an A* :) because I'm odd like that. Lol, and to think I used to think I was heterosexual !

[ImLateAnyway]

Hey so my girlfriend says she's asexual, yet she's more than happy for me to do sexual acts to her (I never pressure her and I ask specific permission before touching her) but she won't even try to touch me and when she does she's hesitant - it's getting really frustrating sometimes but does this fit with a regular asexual type?

She's only just discovered this about herself now when I brought up about her hesitation. Is everything okay with this? And how can I stop feeling sexually frustrated? Because I love her and I don't want to leave her or hurt her.

Thank you in advance for your help!

[sonofzeal]

Hey so my girlfriend says she's asexual, yet she's more than happy for me to do sexual acts to her (I never pressure her and I ask specific permission before touching her) but she won't even try to touch me and when she does she's hesitant - it's getting really frustrating sometimes but does this fit with a regular asexual type?

She's only just discovered this about herself now when I brought up about her hesitation. Is everything okay with this? And how can I stop feeling sexually frustrated? Because I love her and I don't want to leave her or hurt her.

Thank you in advance for your help!

If you don't mind my presumption, it sounds like the real question here is, "is this legit or is she just being selfish"?

And, hey, fair question. In a vacuum, both are entirely possible, and it's entirely reasonable to be conflicted about wanting to be supportive, wanting your own desires met, and wondering if this is a type of person you want to associate with.

The bad news here is that we aren't going to have the kind of answer you need. You know her best, and you're the only one who can make that final judgement call. All I can say is, hey, receiving sexual pleasure takes very little thought and interactivity and mostly just requires functioning nerve endings and a moderate libido. A fair number of asexuals have both of those, so that part at least is plausible. And giving sexual pleasure takes far more thought, focus, and intention. There's also a fair number of specific hangups that could come into play there. So yeah, a decent segment of the asexual population would be markedly more comfortable receiving pleasure than giving it (though you'll also find the reverse, people with very little libido but who take pride in at least mastering the mechanics of providing pleasure).

Still, even if she's perfectly comfortable receiving gratification but hesitant to provide it, you're also right when you imply that it's a bit selfish of her to take advantage of your willingness to provide when she's unwilling to reciprocate. I'd imagine most people would feel a bit guilty about that, and if she doesn't then I'd take that as a bad sign. But then, you know her better than we do - does that fit with what you know of her personality, or do you think she's just confused, conflicted, and muddling through the best she can? Nearly everyone goes through that sort of confusion at some point, and often makes bad mistakes that they sometimes only realize in hindsight.

I suspect that, if you know her to be a kind and generous and caring person, she'll probably come around in time. It may take her a long time to get at all comfortable with your anatomy, and attempts to push her are probably going to implode, but if she feels that she's "safe" around you even when you're aroused, she'll eventually warm up to you and make that effort more easily.

Just be aware that dating an asexual means you're almost always going to be wanting more than she'll be providing, even if she does open up in that way. You have to ask yourself whether you'll be okay with that sort of dynamic long-term, and it's perfectly okay if the answer's "no". Even among sexuals there's a whole continuum and if you're on the lower end it might be manageable but if you're on the higher end it might not be. Ten years from now, if you two are still together and getting up to hanky panky maybe once every few months, is that a happy or a sad image for you? You don't need to decide now of course, but it's something you'll need to consider as this proceeds.

[just an owl]

A question for some sexuals... How do you differentiate between libido and sexual desire? It's probably obvious but I can't seem to figure it.

I'm just confused, and struggling to understand if what I'm feeling is sexual desire or just a (high ish?) libido. I'm kinda sex repulsed/dysphoric too and that doesn't help, I can't imagine actually wanting sex and doing it..

[sonofzeal]

A question for some sexuals... How do you differentiate between libido and sexual desire? It's probably obvious but I can't seem to figure it.

I'm just confused, and struggling to understand if what I'm feeling is sexual desire or just a (high ish?) libido. I'm kinda sex repulsed/dysphoric too and that doesn't help, I can't imagine actually wanting sex and doing it..

Libido = general horniness

Sexual Desire = specific target

....or, to use an analogy....

Libido = hunger

Sexual Desire = craving

If you've got a food craving then you're probably hungry to a degree, but having a craving for a specific food is a rather different experience than simply being hungry.

[Snao Cone]

I usually use sexual desire = appetite in my version of that analogy, because sexual desire is not always necessarily as specific or targeted as a craving is (according to sexual people). Like, appetite is a general thing that is a part of a person's overall healthy outlook towards the world around them that's usually present to some degree, but sometimes it's very strong and sometimes completely absent (to an unhealthy degree). Cravings can be strong bursts of sexual desire, but for many sexual people there's also an ongoing interest in keeping sex/sexual relationships/sexual intimacy as part of their daily life.

For many of us, hunger and appetite and cravings are all intertwined in some way. For other people, they may just eat to live by hunger alone, without any attached desires. Sometimes we have appetites or cravings when we don't feel hungry, just based on knowing we enjoy those foods. And now I'm getting lost in my own analogy so I'll just end it now before it gets out of hand. ;)

[butterflydreams]

And now I'm getting lost in my own analogy so I'll just end it now before it gets out of hand. ;)

I kinda want pizza now. Pizza is delicious.

So I have a question for sexuals, or anyone who feels like they can answer really. This may sound really naive, but I promise I'm being completely genuine. In a romantic relationship is sexual contact really the intrinsic way you want to express your feelings for your partner? In other words, do you feel a general sense of "wow, I really love this person. I want to express that sexually with them."

[butterflydreams]

Interesting...so as a followup, is it also something that can be felt for someone with whom you don't already have any kind of romantic involvement? Like say you see someone every morning while getting coffee. You give them a smile when you see them, maybe say hello, and you're interested in them, but not already involved. You may not even know their name yet.

Would the same kind of thing apply? Would a person in that moment be in a mode of "I'd like to be sexually intimate with this person" even if they don't consciously articulate it to themselves? Even in a several-steps-down-the-line kind of thing?

[Snao Cone]

For some people it can, if they frequently experience spontaneous desire. The desire is felt more often than the sex is had, of course, because it's generally not appropriate to boink strangers. It depends as well on how strongly one's sexual desire is linked to aesthetic attraction. Some people, myself included, will be wowed by the beauty of a stranger but if it came down to having the option of sex with them right away, then and there, they would decline. For sexual people who are like that, they may still know at that point "Yes, when the time comes I do want to have sex with that hot bod" but they're not going to do it then and there.

(Some people would do it then and there, so to each their own :P)

[butterflydreams]

Hmm, very interesting. Thanks for the responses, they were very helpful.

I'm certainly not trying to end up on the notion that if you aren't fantasizing about banging random strangers on a daily basis, you must be asexual. That idea is just a train wreck and seeing it turn up as often as it does is eye-roll-inducing.

I feel kinda weird not experiencing or really understanding this stuff.

[Snao Cone]

These are good questions. They provide sexuals (and asexuals like me who assume they know everything :P) to address some of the myths that seem to confuse younger people coming here to find answers.

[Bambi2]

OK, although I am a newbie to this forum, I do have a question for the sexuals. Why the overwhelming obsession and curiosity about various forms of sex shown in the media? I have always found it embarrassing to watch actors in movies or on TV having sex or even preparing to have sex. I don't really consider myself a prude and have been sexual in the past (but primarily to please the man, not because I enjoyed it). I mean, come on, we all know how it's done so why are people still so fascinated when they see it performed by actors in films? Do people really feel they are going to learn something new?

[sonofzeal]

OK, although I am a newbie to this forum, I do have a question for the sexuals. Why the overwhelming obsession and curiosity about various forms of sex shown in the media? I have always found it embarrassing to watch actors in movies or on TV having sex or even preparing to have sex. I don't really consider myself a prude and have been sexual in the past (but primarily to please the man, not because I enjoyed it). I mean, come on, we all know how it's done so why are people still so fascinated when they see it performed by actors in films? Do people really feel they are going to learn something new?

One book I read had a character horribly distressed by seeing all that, or all the glitzy lights and scantily-clad posters around the strip club he walks past to get to work. He feels there's something wrong with him for not being into all that. When he finally confides this concern with another character, the other person laughs and says it's "high pressure salesmenship". Those companies and that media push it so hard because they're trying to sell you something, whether it's a product or a worldview, rather than simply catering to viewer tastes.

Media doesn't reflect the real world well, of course. And it doesn't necessarily reflect viewer tastes all that well, either. Traditional cable tv is (for various reasons) extremely formulaic, and one formula that's worked is it try to be just shocking enough to rile people up without actually causing a scandal. HBO and Starz, of course, are "premium" channels with much fewer limitations and are often far more experimental, so you'll get things like Game of Thrones or Outlander with overt sex scenes next to, I dunno, Dexter, which hardly had any skin (though a lot of blood) or Dead Like Me which was just off-beat and cute. Even there, though, the "historical drama with lots of boobs and blood" genre is its own trope, so if you're going to do a show about the Tudors or Spartacus or Marco Polo, certain things are now expected, and a show will suffer if it doesn't live up to those expectations. It's like how guns in movies don't actually sound like guns, but if you do make them sound authentic, audiences will find them surprising and unrealistic. Sometimes the weight of expectations means media creators have to add something the audience doesn't particularly want, but would be surprised if it wasn't there.

[Tarfeather]

Interesting...so as a followup, is it also something that can be felt for someone with whom you don't already have any kind of romantic involvement? Like say you see someone every morning while getting coffee. You give them a smile when you see them, maybe say hello, and you're interested in them, but not already involved. You may not even know their name yet.

Would the same kind of thing apply? Would a person in that moment be in a mode of "I'd like to be sexually intimate with this person" even if they don't consciously articulate it to themselves? Even in a several-steps-down-the-line kind of thing?

For me it's like a weird curve with a valley in the middle. If I don't know them at all and find them attractive, I sometimes experience something like a desire to touch their body and undress them and stuff. If I'm in limerence phase, that desire goes away, and instead I'm totally focused on wanting to get to know them. And if I've known them for a while and we're close, the sexual desire comes in full force.

[Tarfeather]

For me it's like how you don't want to eat because your hormones are all messed up, the same applies to libido.