The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread

[Guest]

This came up on another thread and wasn't really answered, so here it is again in the proper place. If sexual fantasy is used in the context of masturbation, do sexuals have issues losing the fantasy part way through?

For me, about 100% of the time. I'm not good at fantasizing. When I was young I figured it was because I didn't have enough experience to really picture it, but lord knows I have experience now and still can't manage to pull it off. I can fantasize in generalities, but when it comes down to watching a movie in my head, it all fades and skips and stalls.

[Olivier]

You mean - have a sexual fantasy, start masturbating, and then have the fantasy sort of fizzle away halfway through?

Mostly 'no'. It's happened where a given fantasy might not just work and it would switch or morph to a different one that works better at that time. Is that what you are asking?

This "morphing" happens to me all the time. I'll start out with some fantasy that seemed really sexy at the time, but often it will just fade to be replaced by memories of actual sex with my wife. Not much fizzling, though - which is weird, because generally I find it very easy to leave tasks unfinished.

[jajjaaj]

Here are a few questions:

Have you ever lost interest in dating?

What was the reason?

How long did the lack of interest last?

What would you think of the lack of interest was not preceded by being hurt?

Yes. It was not on my list of priorities as I was a single mom. There were plenty of suitors, but they just did not fit into my lifestyle during that time.

The lack of interest ended when I met my husband. As friends, our relationship escalated. Though, I would never have gained interest had he been selfish and want me to himself. He knew my children came first. Not to mention, he quietly chased me for a year. He was obviously very smart.

I had been hurt. A 17-year marriage ending, and then a not so nice boyfriend. Though, rather than think I would rather not date, I became more aware of one's bad traits. Red flags were repeatedly wagging in my face. Ultimately, I learned quickly what I wanted and what I did not want in my life. As a sexual person, it was easier to take care of myself rather than take on drama.

[Shakespeare's Sister]

Alright, I have a question that has been driving me absolutely CRAZY! It may have been answered here before (I tried to read through the posts...), but I'm still wondering:

What on earth is sexual attraction? What is it like? Is it something that sexual people experience casually on a day-to-day basis? Is it something that happens if you see someone "sexually attractive" just walking down the street or something? And, mostly: would I know if I'd experienced sexual attraction?

I know it's a common and probably tired-out question, and it is different for everyone, etc., but I would appreciate any answers--the more in-depth the better! Just... well, don't be too graphic, of course.

[Utena]

So my question, mainly to the sexuals looking in on this thread (though I'm sure there are plenty of asexuals how aren't virgins) is: what changes? forgetting that some part of the sexual media out there is that you're first time marks your entrance into the adult world (stereotypically)

I remember being really, really angry afterwards. It was probably a typical experience, nothing too great or too traumatic about it, and so it's hard to say why that was my reaction. I think it's because I was expecting something deep to happen within me, and it didn't. It was just physical, and not something I enjoyed-- it seemed to be purely selfish, something that caused him enjoyment and me discomfort.

I guess you could say it was life changing and emotional-- I did cry, and I did feel different. But that's because I felt disillusioned. I wanted nothing to do with sex. Although I've certainly felt attraction, it has never gone much beyond 'I want to cuddle/kiss/be romantically close to' this person. But, I thought I was supposed to feel that way, and I didn't, so I pretended for the things I did want (closeness, to make the other person happy).

[sinfiolti]

Alright, I have a question that has been driving me absolutely CRAZY! It may have been answered here before (I tried to read through the posts...), but I'm still wondering:

What on earth is sexual attraction? What is it like? Is it something that sexual people experience casually on a day-to-day basis? Is it something that happens if you see someone "sexually attractive" just walking down the street or something? And, mostly: would I know if I'd experienced sexual attraction?

I know it's a common and probably tired-out question, and it is different for everyone, etc., but I would appreciate any answers--the more in-depth the better! Just... well, don't be too graphic, of course.

For some context, I am a (mostly) heterosexual female in my early thirties. For me, it usually starts with a smell for a male, and looks for a female (or at least those are the fastest/ most common ways I experience sexual attraction). Then the feeling moves to the pit of my stomach; a feeling of positive nervous excitement. When I am sexually attracted to someone (male or female), I feel a strong urge to be close to them. I want to touch them. I enjoy things that would normally be off-putting to me (and most people, I imagine), such as the smell of their sweat, or breathing in their exhalations.

For me, I've always known when I was attracted to someone, because I have such a strong physiological response. However, I assume that for others it is more toned down, or ambiguous (that fun nervousness to me is nausea to someone else).

[Percivel]

I've got a question!

What's sexual attraction like? I've asked this question to a few other people, and it seems like when I do get a reply, half the time they're describing sensations that don't seem (on their face) to have much to do with sex -- they get weak at the knees, or things like that. If this is the case with you, could you describe how those sensations tie in to sex? In other words, if you know you're attracted to someone because you get weak in the knees, how did you originally realize that that sensation was sexual attraction?

Thanks.

That's a really good question. I've wondered how feelings of sexual attraction lead to actually wanting to have intercourse. Well, I can honestly that there's been only one person in my life with whom I've wanted to have sex, and it was a strange thing. All I can really say is that I was so in love with her that I wanted to share myself with her completely. I wanted to put an end to any mystery there was and reveal everything. I figured that would be the way to go about that, at least physically. But there were other factors playing into it. I knew that she was a very sexual person and though I wasn't then and don't think I am now, I just wanted to please her. I thought that would be a way to reach her. So, that played into it. I suppose that takes away from the sincerity of it in a sense.

Sorry that I'm not really answering your question. I just felt compelled to comment on it though I'm obviously not remotely the best person to answer it.

I was recently told, and it makes sense to me, that sexual urges are an "appetite."

Like desire for food, our appetites come and go. When food is placed in front of us, or when we imagine food, we suddenly feel "hungry" or we desire that food. When we are distracted by something else, the feeling fades. If we think about food all the time, our appetite for food increases. We can become "gluttenous" by thinking about food too much. We can often control our thoughts by driving them out of our mind...stop thinking about them. So appetites can be controlled.

I am what you might call the "asexual" version of an eater. I don't care about food. Seeing wonderfully tasty food does nothing for me. I only eat because I have to eat to survive and stay healthy. I have no appetite for food. Some people think it's "nuts" to be that way...others are envious.

Sexual drive is very similar. It's an appetite that comes and goes. It can increase when thought about a lot. It can decrease when not thought about. An appetite level can also be driven by something internal. Appetites are individualized depending on our nature but can be controlled by our will.

I think this explanation is about pure sex drive/sexual urges and taken out of the context of intimacy.

[ifiwereyou]

Extremely embarrassing and stupid but this is something I've been wondering for a while now.

What does it feel like to be 'turned on'/horny/aroused and how does one know it's happening?

[Percivel]

I will do my best to respond to this question. It's a bit difficult as there really is nothing else to compare sexual arousal to. Know that I am not a scientist, physiologist, psychologist, therapist or anything of the sort. I am just Percivel. The only thing close to "sexual arousal" is the desire for food (others have explained it this way, too). I believe that arousal is, like the desire for food, an appetite. It can be "repressed" and it can be "encouraged." It's a bodily reaction (increase in hormones)that come from stimulation of the brain (thoughts or seeing something sexy/sexual). And, there are different levels of arousal...from mild to downright "horny as a toad." Sexual arousal can be very powerful, particularly if it is "fed" or "nurtured."

You can compare a "highly aroused" person as someone who is very hungry. This very hungry person walks into their grandma's kitchen as she is making his absolutely most favorite meal. Picture this very hungry person sitting at grandma's kitchen table waiting for the food to finish cooking. He sits and smells the aroma of the food as it cooks. He knows what is in the oven and he can't stop thinking about it. His mouth waters. He seems to be feeling hungrier and hungrier as each minute passes. His blood pressure increases as he waits in anticipation. His grandma tells him where she bought the ingredients and how she prepared the meal. She tells him what temperature the stove should be at and how long it will take to cook. The smell of the delicious meal gets stronger and stronger as it cooks. He wants to rip open the stove and start shoving the food in his mouth. He can't. He must wait. He can hardly bare it. So, to distract himself, he gets up and walks into the living room. He turns on the T.V. and watches the football game to take his mind off the food that is cooking and his incredible desire to consume it. This helps some, but, lingering in the background is the unavoidable aroma of his grandma's cooking.

Now, if you pair up this arousal with the desire for intimacy (or extreme closeness) with your partner, your arousal (and your intimacy) can become magnified as you both physically, emotionally and mentally give and receive for each other in the act of "making love." This intensifies the whole act and experience. It is one way you and your partner become "one."

[Casey Foley]

Hi guys, I'm new to the site and I'm a bisexual sexual (if that isn't redundant)

I've seventeen but I've fallen so deeply in love with my girlfriend that I can't even fall asleep without being on the phone with her. I even let myself think that I'll be marrying her someday, I can honestly say I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

I went to her dorm recently, as a valentine's day get together. Thing we going really well, I was having the best time I've had in a very long time. Of course at one point she kissed me, she was my very first kiss. Things got heated (I though she was a very good kisser) and I couldn't stop kissing her, I felt like I was floating. It felt so right to be there. Soon I had to leave and I kissed her good bye and I left.

The next night she says we have something very important to tell me, so I coax her into it. She tells me that she didn't feel anything in the kiss, that there was no real feeling in it for her and she only kept going because I wanted to. Needless to say I was, and still am, devastated. It hurt. A lot.

I'm so stressed out I can't even eat right now. I can't stop crying either. I know its nobody's fault but I can't help but feel responsible, I feel like its all my fault. I feel like maybe she was right, maybe we should break it off but at the same time I need her more that I've ever needed someone.

I can't loose her because I care too much about her, I'm in love with her for god's sake. I feel like I'll always be making her cuddle with me, or making her hold my hand or making her kiss me, or even to go as far as making her make love with me.

I feel like somehow I'll ruin everything we have because I am more sexual than her. I love her and I want to change for her but I need some sort of compromise. I'm so scared she won't see it form my end, to see how I need some sort of touch to feel loved. Something as simple as a kiss on the cheek and I would be fine, but something to reassure me that there is a connection that means something more.

Sex isn't everything in a relationship, I know that and I understand that, but I can't feel like I'm making her miserable by kissing me or cuddling with me. I couldn't do that to her, I won't do that to her. But I can't just sit here and think that I'm the only one out of the two of us that wants to make this work.

I have a sinking feeling that I am.

I want her to be comfortable with me but she is so hesitant to talk about anything personal that I'm so scared that the lack of communication will be our downfall.

I don't want that at all.

I would really love some help guys. I really need it. :C

[Boo42069yomomma]

Hi guys, I'm new to the site and I'm a bisexual sexual (if that isn't redundant)

I've seventeen but I've fallen so deeply in love with my girlfriend that I can't even fall asleep without being on the phone with her. I even let myself think that I'll be marrying her someday, I can honestly say I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

I went to her dorm recently, as a valentine's day get together. Thing we going really well, I was having the best time I've had in a very long time. Of course at one point she kissed me, she was my very first kiss. Things got heated (I though she was a very good kisser) and I couldn't stop kissing her, I felt like I was floating. It felt so right to be there. Soon I had to leave and I kissed her good bye and I left.

The next night she says we have something very important to tell me, so I coax her into it. She tells me that she didn't feel anything in the kiss, that there was no real feeling in it for her and she only kept going because I wanted to. Needless to say I was, and still am, devastated. It hurt. A lot.

I'm so stressed out I can't even eat right now. I can't stop crying either. I know its nobody's fault but I can't help but feel responsible, I feel like its all my fault. I feel like maybe she was right, maybe we should break it off but at the same time I need her more that I've ever needed someone.

I can't loose her because I care too much about her, I'm in love with her for god's sake. I feel like I'll always be making her cuddle with me, or making her hold my hand or making her kiss me, or even to go as far as making her make love with me.

I feel like somehow I'll ruin everything we have because I am more sexual than her. I love her and I want to change for her but I need some sort of compromise. I'm so scared she won't see it form my end, to see how I need some sort of touch to feel loved. Something as simple as a kiss on the cheek and I would be fine, but something to reassure me that there is a connection that means something more.

Sex isn't everything in a relationship, I know that and I understand that, but I can't feel like I'm making her miserable by kissing me or cuddling with me. I couldn't do that to her, I won't do that to her. But I can't just sit here and think that I'm the only one out of the two of us that wants to make this work.

I have a sinking feeling that I am.

I want her to be comfortable with me but she is so hesitant to talk about anything personal that I'm so scared that the lack of communication will be our downfall.

I don't want that at all.

I would really love some help guys. I really need it. :C

Hug!

Well, I'll start off by saying I'm terrible with relationship advice. But I'll give it anyhow. My advice is to give her some space. I think breaking up would be stupid, but you might want to give her some room.

Also, try to have a deep conversation about it.

If it's any comfort, I think it'd be stupid as hell to break up over that.

[Guest]

You need to talk to her further about it and find out what she'd like to do. Not feeling anything when kissing doesn't automatically mean she's asexual. It could mean any number of things, including (these would be my top two in the list of likely): 1) not enjoying kissing in general (not as uncommon as you'd think), and 2) she doesn't feel that spark for you.

Of course she could also be nervous, especially if she's inexperienced. I found kissing to be really weird and awkward until I got in a lot of practice... and even now I feel awkward about it. I'm too *aware* of what's happening which makes it unenjoyable (and I'm sexual!). Anyway, you'll have to talk to her to get more details.

EDIT: Oh. Realized Dalek pulled up this question from February. Nevermind.

[MIKE'SgotTHEmike]

I've got a question!

What's sexual attraction like? I've asked this question to a few other people, and it seems like when I do get a reply, half the time they're describing sensations that don't seem (on their face) to have much to do with sex -- they get weak at the knees, or things like that. If this is the case with you, could you describe how those sensations tie in to sex? In other words, if you know you're attracted to someone because you get weak in the knees, how did you originally realize that that sensation was sexual attraction?

Thanks.

It's like a hypnotism that comes. You get giddy, you start to get distracted by how sexy the person is and you start stumbling over words. You just have this intense desire to know them - i mean in a platonic as well as sexual way. It's a desire to be near. I also find the main marker for sexual attraction for me is if someone's pheramones smell devine - I will huff that shit, i can't get enough of it.

Question: How do you recognize someone is sexually attracted to you? I've been able to recognize crushes and stuff, emotional thingies, but how it looks like when someone is sexually attracted to you?

I find it's all in the ways you both interact together. Like when someone's attracted back to you you'll either see them get a little flustered or smile etc, or if they're good at playing it cool then they'll try to physically touch you in some way, or give you the sexy eyes. When two people are attracted to each other there's a fluidity in interacting with them - it just feels right.

Ok, my attempt at a question:

This is something I've wanted to know for a long time. Possibly the romantic As can help out here too.

What was it like growing up as a sexual? I mean, how did you know when you were younger? When did you start "noticing" the opposite (or same) sex? Was it gradual or sudden? Was the attraction you felt when you were younger the same as you feel now?

I remember some people being interested in dating as young as 8, were these just very early developers or just trying to act like "grownups"?

That was more than one question, but you get the sense (hopefully) of my general overall question.

Thanks to anyone who can answer this and help me understand it better.

I have an endocrine disorder that I didn't get treated for until I was 19, and prior to that I pretty much id'd as asexual myself. Not interested with anyone, enjoyed hugging and cuddling with girls, experimented a bit with guys but found it left a bad taste in my mouth. Pretty much as soon as I started taking T I found I could play the flirt game better, I had more self confidence, I noticed attractive women more, and I experimented with guys again and didn't have the same kneejerk uncomfortable feeling.

Hi. Okay, here's my thing. Why do all my friends, family, co-workers & casual acquaintances bug the hell outta me about "Why aren't you married yet?" "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" And they keep trying to fix me up, and I keep saying, "No, please! Just knock it off, will yah?" And they won't stop & they never give up and it's driving me nuts. I really know I'm better off living with a cat, okay? 1. Why won't these crazy over-sexed sexuals leave me alone, and 2. Why do they all feel compelled to take over my entire life and re-arrange my existence, and 3. How do I make them all stop? Okay, there's my question. Thank you! I await your wisdom!

Well, I don't know why they would either considering how you seem to love to pile on latent insults. Come off it, not everyone is like that, and stop being so judgemental of their intentions. I'll still dignify this with a response. 1.) they are not oversexed, they feel that you must be lonely and are trying with good intentions to help you. How do you get over-sexed from someone trying to set you up on a date? 2.) Setting you up is hardly re-arranging your existence. Is that all there is to your existence, your asexuality? 3.) Make them stop by either telling your coworkers you will threaten them with sexual harassment, or just lie and say you're seeing someone as long as youre willing to accept some of the logistical difficulties, or you could just try telling them you don't like accepting new people in your space. Alternatively, you could act as hateful and insulting as you did in this post to their face, and I'm pretty sure they'll stop caring as to whether you are lonely or not.

I have a question... does sexual attraction ever go away? I mean, I know I have heard the term 'hit the wall' referring to a woman (or man) who has lost their appeal. But I'm not talking age or looks necessarily.

For instance - I get crushes, and I am romantically attracted to someone, but it goes away after a short while and I lose interest. Sometimes I can figure out why, other times I have no clue...

Does sexual attraction ever go away like this for no apparent reason?

hawke

I think it goes away for a lot of people because the novelty wears off. In the beginning it's new and exciting and the possibilities seem endless,everyone's on their best behavior dressing sharp and scratching their ass in the bathroom only...then as everyone gets more comfortable those bad habits come out, cutting toenails in the bed, drinking from the milk carton, scratching your balls in public constantly. Attraction naturally changes from a lust-based force to one that is denser, heavier, that moves on momentum and inertia as time goes on and the relationship deepens. If it doesn't deepen, you lose attraction because whether subconsciously or not you just don't see a point of being with the other person or not...the wall's getting closer and closer to reference "hitting the wall".

I have one question. If one of your friends, or even an aquaintance said they were asexual, how would you react? What would you think of them?

I'm trying to decide whether I should be open or not.

Depends way too much on the person. How old are they? Do they have an endocrine disorder? Are they mentally unstable? Lack of interest in sex could be a symptom of any amount of things, or could be just an orientation unto itself that requires no explanation. If a friend who felt healthy and happy, who had been to an endocrinologist who found nothing wrong with their hormonal levels, who had already come to accept their asexuality and felt no distress over it told me they were asexual, I would of course accept them for who they are.

Alright, new question that sprung to mind:

How much does sexual attraction make you distinuish between people? For instance, if you had a thing for redheads, and you saw two people who looked exactly the same, but one was a brunette and the other a redhead, would the redhead stick out much better in your mind?

Speaking of that, is there such thing as a 'thing'? Do people really feel significant more attraction to certain, small things (like hair colour) on people?

if you had a "thing" for redheads of course she'd stick out. People definitely experience fetishes so I think certain physical traits can be favorable, but i've met many more who say they have no type or preference. I personally believe it's about the whole package, both physically and how the mind and personality fit in.

Since this came up on another thread:

Can you have sexual feelings for someone you find physically unattractive?

yes. You can just imagine them looking different or avoid looking at the unattractive places ;) in all seriousness, i have found many physically attractive people who were assholes who I had absolutely no sexual interest in, and I've had sex with people I wasn't physically attracted to because they were so damn awesome.

Alright here I go....

With all this talk about sexual attraction I don't think this question was asked so I am going to lay it out there...

A person can be physically attractive or not but What is it that makes someone sexually attractive? Is it personality, looks, smarts or are they just overall a nice person? Is it something as simple as a look, touch or smile that just screams out "Hey there, I'm Fuckable."

I find people physically attractive and smart but when I really think about it, sexual attraction just doesn't have a place in my mind.

Depends on the person. I personally get turned on from smells, and pheramones are the biggest factor in screaming "I'm fuckable." Physical attraction is like a thought, it's not as much of a feeling as sexual attraction. Someone might be turned on by a certain body feature, someone else by a certain type of clothing or lack thereof, someone else may be into a certain fetish and signs of that fetish get them going. Regardless, the feeling comes on strong and without any control or initiation on your part.

OK, new question:

When you start feeling sexual attraction, do you just suddenly turn on the TV one day and realize you'd totally have sex with (insert someone here)? Or is it slow and gradual? 'Yeah, she looks pretty.' to 'Yeah, she gives me tingly feelings.' to 'Holy crap! Find me a condom!'

Slow and gradual. First sex as a concept has to be introduced, then you think about it, then you start relating to it as you relate to your own body via masturbation, then you start thinking about possibilities from there. No it's not sudden, it develops very naturally.

I watched a Barbara Walter's sepcial last night and one of the stars was questioned on when and how and where he lost his virginity, and in part of his answer he said that it completely changes a person, that you're different after, and it only happens once.

This seems to be the general consensus of the sexual media world, that losing your virginity changes you in some way. But when that's stated it's so vague that I'm really not sure if they mean changes you sexually, emotionally, or changes how your mind works and your personality. Perhaps all of the above in different ways. And this is just referring to your 'first time'.

In life there are a lot of first times, and just because I finally tried fried octopus doesn't mean it's changed my person.

So my question, mainly to the sexuals looking in on this thread (though I'm sure there are plenty of asexuals how aren't virgins) is: what changes? forgetting that some part of the sexual media out there is that you're first time marks your entrance into the adult world (stereotypically)

Is there really anything that changes? and why is the event of you're first time marked as one of the few events in a persons life that is truely amazing? (though I'm quite aware that not everyone's loss of virginity is amazing).

I imagine that those asexuals that are not virgins had a very different experience with their first time as the sexual world portrays it to be.

I myself am a virgin and plan to remain that way, and my asexuality is such that I dont think I could ever compromise on sex with someone, so I was just pondering.

That's all bullshit, it's a social right of passage. That's the only thing that changes, apart from now being able to relate in your head with real experience sexually with another person and not just yourself. I will say that for me and a few others i've talked to, you tend to develop a certain fondness for your first that you never have with anyone else you sleep with - assuming the experience wasn't with a hooker or wasnt a negative one overall.

I have a question. I have wondered this for years. I'm sure it's difficult to answer.

How does an orgasm feel? How does one know if he or she has experienced one?

(Okay, so, that wound up being two questions).

Flex your bicep as hard as you can and release it. Multiply that feeling by 10, and imagine it in your whole body, but concentrated in your genitals and like radiating out. That's how it feels. You just know when you experience it, it's a very distinct physical feeling of release.

I may answer the others in this thread later

[Guest]

Mike, welcome. Your voice is needed around here! :)

[Guest member25959]

Mike, you do realize that all those quotes are from 2005/2006 right? Only one of those quoted members is still active here. :P

[MIKE'SgotTHEmike]

Oops I thought this thread was like 4 pages lol. Well w/e those seem like pretty basic questions that'll just come back later. Next fine I'll skip forward a few pages tho. These q & a threads are fun time sinks.

Thank you for the welcomes. I need a forum like this if for nothing else when I need to vent frustration and to connect with other sexual so's of asexuals.

[Pandante]

Oops I thought this thread was like 4 pages lol. Well w/e those seem like pretty basic questions that'll just come back later. Next fine I'll skip forward a few pages tho. These q & a threads are fun time sinks.

Thank you for the welcomes. I need a forum like this if for nothing else when I need to vent frustration and to connect with other sexual so's of asexuals.

Yeah, definitely a good place to vent. I'm going through a difficult phase again at the moment too, but you did the venting for me.

[Lady Girl]

Loved these answers...they were entertaining as well as pretty accurate! Way to tackle tons of questions in one gigantic post. That was cool, and yeah, welcome to AVEN! :)

[abnor]

I am a sexual.

I like being sexually aroused. I like the way my body perks up in different places and melts in others. I like the way it puts me in a good mood and makes my senses heightened and makes me giggly.

I like aesthetically pleasing things, I like being turned on (sensually, physically, sexually, mentally, just about anything), and I like have heightened senses and to touch and be caressed and to lightly play with my senses (touch, taste, smell, sight, sound), but I don't necessarily like sex.

I don't actually like to engage in sex all that much though-I'm not that into intercourse.

I do like being teased and teasing others for the sexual arousal-I do like being intimate and close-but I could care less about sex, being touched sexually, receiving an orgasm, or anything of the sort.

In the past it was of great confusion to me whether or not I legitimately enjoyed sex. I did enjoy the idea of the activity, but I did not enjoy engaging in it. I didn't like the stress of trying to reach orgasm, I didn't like the psychological toll it took on me to perform and to expect to be performed on. I preferred to just prance around the house, horny, and if I wanted to reach orgasm I might do so all by myself, but I usually didn't, and usually don't, and usually avoid sex at all costs.

~~~

Hope it helped someone :D

[Light&Darkness]

I have a question!

I'm sexual and a virgin. My boyfriend is also a virgin but I don't know if he's asexual or not (you can read the whole story here - in fact it would be really AMAZING if you could answer that topic). If one day he figures out he's asexual, is it possible that he will have sex with me just to please me? I know that a lot of asexuals have sex to please their partners. In my head, I think I would feel very bad to kind of "push" him to do it, even though he may not want it or even feel anything. He would do it just for me, because he doesn't want to lose me, and I'm afraid that he would even find sex disgusting or even have some kind of trauma after that. I think it would be a lot easier to understand if you read the link I posted.

My question is: what do asexuals feel when they have sex with their sexual partners? Do you feel bad about having sex with them or is it ok because you are pleasing them?

[Larien]

I have a question!

I'm sexual and a virgin. My boyfriend is also a virgin but I don't know if he's asexual or not (you can read the whole story here - in fact it would be really AMAZING if you could answer that topic). If one day he figures out he's asexual, is it possible that he will have sex with me just to please me? I know that a lot of asexuals have sex to please their partners. In my head, I think I would feel very bad to kind of "push" him to do it, even though he may not want it or even feel anything. He would do it just for me, because he doesn't want to lose me, and I'm afraid that he would even find sex disgusting or even have some kind of trauma after that. I think it would be a lot easier to understand if you read the link I posted.

My question is: what do asexuals feel when they have sex with their sexual partners? Do you feel bad about having sex with them or is it ok because you are pleasing them?

Hi! I used to have a sexual partner; obviously as an asexual I wasn't attracted that way, but I enjoyed when we were, er, intimate because I enjoyed the general physical affection that was included in those situations. And yeah, I did get a certain amount of satisfaction from knowing I was contributing to the pleasure of someone I cared about. Guilt wasn't an issue for either of us, because we both enjoyed the experience. But that's just my experience. ^_^

[-N-]

Ok I have a question, although it's very similar to an earlier one...

How would you find it easiest to understand/accept an asexual coming out - would you prefer it quick (eg 'hi I'm asexual!') or slow, like with a build up or talking about how the person feels before they drop in the a-word?

[Lady Girl]

I've thought about this but never quite knew since I introduced the idea to my asexual husband...

It almost seems like something along the lines of, I'm not a very sexual person might be a good opener though.

I guess it really depends on the situation.

[Rivan Vox]

Ok I have a question, although it's very similar to an earlier one...

How would you find it easiest to understand/accept an asexual coming out - would you prefer it quick (eg 'hi I'm asexual!') or slow, like with a build up or talking about how the person feels before they drop in the a-word?

Basically, explain to me they're understanding of Asexuality and then tell me that they're asexual, so I get what they mean by the label.

[Michal2012]

Thanks for all of your this discussion.

[OperettaZero-of-Hearts]

I have a question, I'm not sure if I'm sexual, grey-a, or asexual, I've kind of disregarded the labels for now.
But what I'm really wondering is, if I'm a 17 year old female, and still do not want sex, is that normal?
I like to flirt, and the THOUGHT of doing something sexual isn't disgusting to me or anything like that, but as soon as I get up the courage to try and get in a relationship, I get so terrified and it ends after two weeks! I don't want it to get sexual.
Thoughts from any sexuals? How do I compare?
And also, I've heard for sexual people, sex is something their life revolves around. I'm not sure I understand that. Elaborate?
Thanks :)

[jojo2003]

Dear operetta,

No, it is not a problem if you are seventeen and you do not feel the need for sex. I was 21 when I lost my virginity and consider myself to be a straight forward sexual person.

As for your fear of relationships. You should discuss these feelings with your partner. If he or she is serious about engaging in a relationship, he (or she) will understand and try to make you feel comfortable. Take small steps and don't let anyone talk you into something you do not want to do. Even if "everyone else is doing it", does not mean you need to do it. It's your body and mind.

I can not speak for other sexual persons, but my live does not revolve around sex. I do have sexual feelings and do enjoy them, but do also enjoy a good wine, a good meal, nice conversation, sports and many other things that have nothing to do with sex. So I am with you that I do not understand that.

[icelloe]

Are there a lot of sexual people who don't like non-sexual physical contact? I want to comapre with the same question for asexuals. I think if asexuality and not wanting any physical contact are conected it could make my mom feel less bad about me not wanting to hug or kiss her. Thanks in advance for any replies.

[Einy]

Are there a lot of sexual people who don't like non-sexual physical contact? I want to comapre with the same question for asexuals. I think if asexuality and not wanting any physical contact are conected it could make my mom feel less bad about me not wanting to hug or kiss her. Thanks in advance for any replies.

I don't think that wanting physical contact with friends/parents is connected to one's sexuality. I'm sexual and avoid physical contact with anyone except my SO.

[*Judy*]

As an asexual I have a question to you guys: Why is it that so many sexuals in the beginning of a relationsship when they get aware of the fact that something is strange start to think: with a little amount of time, that will change? and furthermore, if that doesn't work, they become frustrated? I really don't understand it, because what I know is that doing nothing never changes anything, so why don't speak about it from the beginning and be open to each other, instead of taking time?

You know that time-thing, I hear it everywhere! My whole family is like: You don't want kids? - just wait, it will change. What's up with them? wanting sex or children isn't like your sense of taste that may change every 7 years or so...and telling them about all this doesn't do any good.

I believe that the huge fault lies in society telling us how something HAS TO BE - and if you don't get it later, you start blaming somebody else as if you have a right to get something you paid for...you may have a certain right to become happy the way you are but that doesn't include your partner being pressured and changed,just my opinion.