Jump to content

The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread


Recommended Posts

I have a dumb question but :

Like how some aces do compromise and have sex with their sexual partners to make them happy is it possible for a sexual to not have sex with his / her asexual partner out of love ?

First of all, I don't think that's a dumb question at all.

Like said above, there are sexuals who have been able to "give it up". Though I can say from the little experience I have with this so far, it's very hard (though that might be my hormones as well - I'm still in puberty). Everyone is different, and some people will have more desire for it than others.

If you have a partner who is sexual (I assume that's why you asked that question), just ask him to give it a try. You can always see if it is possible for him. That others can manage does not mean he can, and that has nothing to do with how much he loves you.

Also, don't be angry or disappointed if he would suggest something like going to prostitutes. No idea if that sounds rediculous, even to other sexuals with asexual partners, but it's just something I've been thinking about (for the far future, not for now, I'm not even of legal age yet lol).

Hmm after writing this post I notice that I actually assume a lot (that your partner is a he for example). No idea what is general or customary here, it's my first post :)

Hope I could help!

Link to post
Share on other sites

It is perfectly possible for a Sexual to become completely celibate out of love and consideration for their sex-averse Ace partner.

It is, however, extremely rare and difficult for them to feel happy and fulfilled within the relationship while doing so, just due to the way Sexual people tend to be romantically wired.

I'm sure success stories do exist, but they would be the exception, rather than the rule.

P.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Asexual who agrees with Pam (as I usually do!).

An asexual who has some sort of sexual relationship out of love and consideration for a sexual partner is (depending on the asexual and how adverse they were to sex) compromising their own orientation. However, as someone who partnered with sexuals for a long time, I'd think it would be pretty extreme for a sexual to be comfortable with having NO sex whatsoever in a committed relationship. If you experience a desire/need for sex in a relationship, the complete lack of it would be really difficult. That lack would surely affect the relationship.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Venus meets Chastity

It is perfectly possible for a Sexual to become completely celibate out of love and consideration for their sex-averse Ace partner.

It is, however, extremely rare and difficult for them to feel happy and fulfilled within the relationship while doing so, just due to the way Sexual people tend to be romantically wired.

I'm sure success stories do exist, but they would be the exception, rather than the rule.

P.

I truly love my asexual partner, however you are absolutely correct with a "sexual's" sense of completion, feeling fulfilled, and overall gratification not being met. It's hard, much like the concept of faking an orgasm. Many times I feel as if I a faking comfortability with his lack of sexual performance. Is faking "it" good? Plus, at a certain age, as a woman, there's the infamous "ticking clock."

Link to post
Share on other sites
Venus meets Chastity

So, I have another question. How do you all think that most sexuals would react to finding out that their partner didn't believe in pre-marital sex? If their partner was sexual? Asexual?

Thanks for the replies in advance!

No Premarital sex was the first excuse tossed to me, 13 yeas later.... We realized together he may have just been asexual and not know it. When we were dating, I was sexual. We tried to have sex it wasn't working. He confessed his feelings that in premarital sex and his belief that sex was for pro-creation not recreation. He suggested if I had a "need" which needed to be met, to well, go ahead and do it. He just didn't want to know (ego.) Then we married and still no sex. After hearing all the excuses I presented the concept of asexuality. It opened a door he had never known.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

How do you know you want to go to the bathroom?

How do you know you want something to drink?

How do you know you want to watch a movie?

How do you know you want to do anything?

I'm not trying to be facetious, but writing "You just know." seemed a bit unhelpful.

I guess with kissing, there's some cultural baggage tied up with it, in regard to expectations that kissing accompanies romance, and kissing being associated with shows of affection, but in general I know I want to kiss someone when "I just do".

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

First of all, I love this thread. Just read the whole thing, and it's amazing!

Now, a question. How can you tell the difference between a crush and sexual attraction? For example, when I have a crush on a guy, I am very aware of where he is when we're in the same room, and construct elaborate fantasies in my head about meeting him or spending time with him. But it seems like sexual attraction is beyond just being drawn to someone? But it's also not the same as appreciating someone who is good-looking? There have been a bunch of good descriptions of what attraction feels like already. I suppose I just want to know how a sexual person might identify when they just have a crush versus when it's more than that. (Does that make sense?)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

Intellectually, I think it MIGHT be easier for an asexual...provided they were not outright repulsed/ or even scared by the idea of sex...to have sex....rather than a truly sexual being to abstain for all time. One seems passive, but otherwise not requiring action, and one seems...like to a sexual, at any rate, deprivation.

I can't think of anything truly comparable. I mean, we all have to eat, but I guess it would be like asking a person who didn't crave sweets to sometimes take honey in their tea, rather than their tea, plain. Verses someone who craved or needed sweet things to never have sweet things again.

One would seem like a relative 'small' addition for love.

One would seem like total deprivation.

Again, I don't mean that in the case of asexuals...truly repulsed/ scared. THAT would be a bigger sacrifice than celibacy for a sexual, I think. Something to *endure*.

Boy, gets complicated.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

As an asexual somewhat offput by the idea of sex, even if I WAS in love emotionally/ 'heart wise' with someone, sex would probably be something I would only do if the person I loved really couldn't continue on in the relationship without it.

It would also be something I'd probably try to block out in my own mind. Which is probably not very healthy. I mean, it would be something that would probably lead to some sort of dissociation for me, just to get through it.

Too bad we don't fall in love with sexually compatible peoples!!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

I hope this wasn't asked before but how often do you feel sexual attraction?

Is it something you experience every day, weekly, once a month? I figure it must be more often than once a month but I'm just really curious and I have no clue.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I hope this wasn't asked before but how often do you feel sexual attraction?

Is it something you experience every day, weekly, once a month? I figure it must be more often than once a month but I'm just really curious and I have no clue.

How often do you laugh?

How long is a piece of string?

It's individual, and random. I feel sexual attraction whenever I meet someone I'm sexually attracted to.

P.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

I hope this wasn't asked before but how often do you feel sexual attraction?

Is it something you experience every day, weekly, once a month? I figure it must be more often than once a month but I'm just really curious and I have no clue.

How often do you laugh?

How long is a piece of string?

It's individual, and random. I feel sexual attraction whenever I meet someone I'm sexually attracted to.

P.

Different at different times in my life. And it depends on what you mean. Turned on (more) vs thinking someone looks sexually attractive (less often). I wouldn't say it's completely random for me - sometimes for a few days it will happen a lot, and then nothing for a few weeks. I'm female, and there seems to be a rhythm to it that relates (though not in a clear way) to my menstrual cycle. Men presumably don't get this - as far as I know they don't have regular hormonal cycles.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Different at different times in my life. And it depends on what you mean. Turned on (more) vs thinking someone looks sexually attractive (less often). I wouldn't say it's completely random for me - sometimes for a few days it will happen a lot, and then nothing for a few weeks. I'm female, and there seems to be a rhythm to it that relates (though not in a clear way) to my menstrual cycle. Men presumably don't get this - as far as I know they don't have regular hormonal cycles.

Just as an aside, I notice that I often get intensely horny almost exactly a month after really good sex (whether or not I've had any in the interim). A month's a long time to recall exact timings, but it seems to be a bit of a pattern, and it makes sense biologically.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

I hope this wasn't asked before but how often do you feel sexual attraction?

Is it something you experience every day, weekly, once a month? I figure it must be more often than once a month but I'm just really curious and I have no clue.

Heh. For me, multiple times a day is pretty typical? Sometimes that's a stimulus from seeing a certain image of a person, or being around a person, or interacting with them, or some unrelated stimulus like a memory - and all of those are different, especially 'interacting with them,' which could range from being in a conversation with them to canoeing. Sometimes there's just the feeling horny with no discernible stimulus - for me, that happens pretty rarely, more on a every-few-days basis. Then there's actual sexualized touch / foreplay / sex, all of which inflame those attractions immensely.

Honestly, for me, it mostly gravitates around specific stimuli like I mentioned above, which can vary widely and wildly. And strangers I meet in person that I feel that sort of attraction for would be perhaps 5% of the strangers I'm around on a given day - only a handful, but not insignificant. Images of people - especially images designed with sex appeal in mind - tend to be more likely. And that's just me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

To sexuals who are in mixed relationships, or who can imagine so; what do you get out of sex with a partner who isn't into it?

This is always something that has really baffled me. I sort of get why indifferent asexuals may have sex with a sexual partner; because they want to make their partner happy, they know it is how their partner expresses an emotional connection etc. But the opposite: not a clue. I always put this down to not understanding because I didn't experience sexual attraction/desire; but now that I have, I still can't imagine sex with a partner who wasn't interested in mutual sexual desire to be anything but awful (for me personally). The idea of a future partner of mine saying "I know you're sexually attracted to me so I think we should have sex even though that's not what I really want" is horrible; it sounds to me like they are saying that I am entitled to sex. No one is entitled to sex from anyone. I'm not sure whether I could be in a celibate relationship (I suspect yes, but I don't know) but I'd much rather have no sex than feel that my partner felt obligated to have it with me. Maybe I'm just projecting my own feelings onto others, since although I'm demisexual, unless I'm experiencing sexual attraction I'm very averse to sex.

Anyway, I know you guys will have some wonderfully intelligent answers for me. :cake: for your help.

Edit: just want to point out I'm referring to if your asexual partner didn't want/like sex at all; if the asexual partner liked sex for reasons other than sexual attraction I understand that.

Link to post
Share on other sites

To sexuals who are in mixed relationships, or who can imagine so; what do you get out of sex with a partner who isn't into it?

This is always something that has really baffled me. I sort of get why indifferent asexuals may have sex with a sexual partner; because they want to make their partner happy, they know it is how their partner expresses an emotional connection etc. But the opposite: not a clue. I always put this down to not understanding because I didn't experience sexual attraction/desire; but now that I have, I still can't imagine sex with a partner who wasn't interested in mutual sexual desire to be anything but awful (for me personally). The idea of a future partner of mine saying "I know you're sexually attracted to me so I think we should have sex even though that's not what I really want" is horrible; it sounds to me like they are saying that I am entitled to sex. No one is entitled to sex from anyone. I'm not sure whether I could be in a celibate relationship (I suspect yes, but I don't know) but I'd much rather have no sex than feel that my partner felt obligated to have it with me. Maybe I'm just projecting my own feelings onto others, since although I'm demisexual, unless I'm experiencing sexual attraction I'm very averse to sex.

Anyway, I know you guys will have some wonderfully intelligent answers for me. :cake: for your help.

Edit: just want to point out I'm referring to if your asexual partner didn't want/like sex at all; if the asexual partner liked sex for reasons other than sexual attraction I understand that.

That is a really good question.

I don't think sexuals get much out of it, at least I don't. I have been with my asexual partner in a zero-sex relationship for 3-4 years (can't remember exactly when the last time was) with a transition year before that, where we had occasional sex but my partner was not enjoying it. It feels awkward, selfish, and pretty meaningless, and, in fact, I can't develop a sexual desire to act, no matter how strong the sexual desire itself is (these two are quite distinct).

I think whether an asexual is willing to have sex with a sexual is a totally personal decision that the asexual ought to take based purely on her/his degree of aversion or indifference to sex. I can imagine it's a hard decision to take, because you always think of your partner, and the decisions may vary with time (this is where communication is really important to keep both partners on the same page). I think that most sexuals in a serious relationship with an asexual would strongly prefer not having sex to having unwanted or "obliged" sex. I definitely do. I found it an obvious decision to respect my partner's decision wishing not to have sex anymore. You don't take your partner up the Eiffel tower on a date if (s)he is scared of heights, even if you love the view and find it romantic.

The trouble is how does the sexual cope with the recurring sexual desires. I don't have a good answer to that yet - that's one of the things i came searching for in AVEN. I think a successful asexual-sexual relationship depends a lot on resolving these issues for oneself, being honest about one's decisions with one's partner, whilst reassuring her/him of your love and support.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi everyone, I'm a sexual female (androsexual) and I joined to pitch in with my own answers to some of the questions :)

How can you tell the difference between a crush and sexual attraction?

For me, a crush is something I feel in my chest (heart beating faster, or seeming to skip beats, or feeling akin to being on a rollercoaster that's going downhill), and a general feeling of weakness (sweaty palms or face, knees shaking, etc). Basically, having a crush on someone will make me feel like I'm afraid of them, in a way. The feeling is fairly close, although enjoyable.

Sexual attraction is a much more localized feeling that happens down there and makes me very aware of my...er... private parts. I'm trying to avoid being graphic as I don't know what people around here are usually comfortable with. But basically it's like this part of me, that I generally don't think about, is suddenly very present. I'm aware of it in every move I make, how my body or my clothes might touch it, how it moves, and it becomes at the forefront of everything.

With a crush, I feel all what I said in my first paragraph, but I'm extremely aware of the person I have a crush on (where they are, what they're doing). With sexual attraction, the focus becomes on me, and on trying to either quiet it if in a public place (or at a place or time when it's not appropriate) or to get it "satiated".

With a crush I want more of the feelings I'm experiencing. With sexual arousal, even though the feelings are enjoyable, they're also... it's hard to explain, like an itch that I want to stop.

So I would say the main difference for me is whether I want more of that feeling and can't get enough of it (crush), or whether I want it to stop, for the "need" (I guess more of a want) to be fulfilled, for it to be replaced with sexual gratification.

I hope this wasn't asked before but how often do you feel sexual attraction?

Usually every day, although in various degrees and intensities, and sometimes more often than others. It's more often and stronger in some parts of my cycle.

Sometimes it will depends on outside things: seeing someone I love, seeing someone I find sexually attractive, reading something I find "hot" without it necessarily having something to do with the people involved... Mh, maybe I should clarify that last one. When you see something that seems cute and you go "awww", sometimes it's because it's a cute thing (a kitten, puppy, bunny...) but sometimes it's an act, like an animal being affectionate or a sentence someone said to someone else. In that case, you might not find the individuals cute, but the sentence or situation is. It can be the same thing for what I find "hot".

And sometimes it comes from inside. Days like that, I know I'd be horny no matter what happens or who is around, and I suspect it's hormonal. I might start feeling sexual attraction for almost everyone I meet, and it can make it hard to focus on normal life. In cases like that it's best to get some relief in some way.

To sexuals who are in mixed relationships, or who can imagine so; what do you get out of sex with a partner who isn't into it?

I'm not in a mixed relationship, so I'll speak on a hypothetical basis.

I think for me sex is a way to express affection similar to hugs or kisses or acts of service, and so on. If someone isn't into sex at all, I'm likely to feel like I'm being rejected personally due to how differently I work, even if I understand on the intellectual level.

If my partner was to still have sex every so often to indulge me, it would mean a lot to me. It would mean they love me enough to do something they don't particularly enjoy for my sake. It becomes something like doing the dishes for your partner who is tired from a long day, even though it was their turn: they'll appreciate it a lot, but that doesn't mean they "get something out of their partner doing chores for them", you know what I mean?

This being said, it would have to come from my partner. I couldn't enjoy sex if I felt like I was forcing them and they were doing it to be rid of it, or because they felt bad about refusing, or something like that. But if they started being sexual with me, I would take the offer, and be appreciative of it, realizing it means a lot that they are willing to.

Even though I am sexual, I have been in a relationship with a man who was much more sexual than I was, and who would ask for sex, initiate it and insist after I said I wasn't in the mood, bring it us constantly (every day) and complain he wasn't getting any of it. Not only did it not help me get in the mood, but I lost trust for him because I felt like he just wanted his thing and didn't care if he was forcing me into it. I felt very unappreciated and unloved.

It reinforced my feelings that you shouldn't force someone, as now I know what it feels like to be pressured so much.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

Sorry if this question has already been asked, but I'd like to know if you as a sexual person prefer oral sex or intercourse?

There is already a threat concerning oral sex and asexuals (http://www.asexuality.org/en/index.php?/topic/60729-oral-se-tmi-maybe/)and I just wanted to get some insight from other parties.^^

Disclaimer:

I've only ever been with my wife AND she has told me that she would prefer NOT to give me oral sex.

I prefer intercourse over oral or manual sex, by a long shot. I suppose the purpose of my disclaimer was to note the fact that it's likely I've never received "good" oral sex. I say that because many people will say that receiving oral sex is awesome. Not for me!

Link to post
Share on other sites
never odd or even

havent trawles the pages, so i'm just going to have to hope this wasnt asked.

anyway. within a monogamous relationship how hard is it to separate love and sex? is this affected by your gender?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Lady Girl

Sorta hard for me as a girl I guess because my emotions seem to dominate over my thinking. I'm learning how clearly sex does not equal love via everyone here at AVEN and all the years with my husband.

Link to post
Share on other sites

within a monogamous relationship how hard is it to separate love and sex?

Some of us will understand, intellectually, that we are loved even if we aren't having sex. But we will have trouble feeling/believing it.

Some sexual folks can come to have complete clarity regarding the issue, but I don't think many.

Additionally, it is really effing hard not to take the lack of sex personally. "Am I gross? Ugly? Repulsive? Being cheated on? In a relationship with a closeted homosexual?" It's rough. Again, clarity is achievable. But difficult.

is this affected by your gender?

I have not a clue. I'm inclined to say "no."

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry if this question has already been asked, but I'd like to know if you as a sexual person prefer oral sex or intercourse?

There is already a threat concerning oral sex and asexuals (http://www.asexuality.org/en/index.php?/topic/60729-oral-se-tmi-maybe/)and I just wanted to get some insight from other parties.^^

I prefer to receive oral sex, followed by intercourse. I find the juxtaposition of orgasm and then penetration immensely pleasurable.

As for giving, I enjoy each more or less equally, though in different ways - intercourse is certainly physically mutualistic, which depending on mood can be an argument for or against it. :)

P.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Lady Girl

within a monogamous relationship how hard is it to separate love and sex?

Some of us will understand, intellectually, that we are loved even if we aren't having sex. But we will have trouble feeling/believing it.

Some sexual folks can come to have complete clarity regarding the issue, but I don't think many.

Additionally, it is really effing hard not to take the lack of sex personally. "Am I gross? Ugly? Repulsive? Being cheated on? In a relationship with a closeted homosexual?" It's rough. Again, clarity is achievable. But difficult.

is this affected by your gender?

I have not a clue. I'm inclined to say "no."

You say it so well! I concur.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry if this question has already been asked, but I'd like to know if you as a sexual person prefer oral sex or intercourse?

There is already a threat concerning oral sex and asexuals (http://www.asexuality.org/en/index.php?/topic/60729-oral-se-tmi-maybe/)and I just wanted to get some insight from other parties.^^

I prefer oral, very slightly, in terms of physical sensation (both giving and receiving) but intercourse is also very nice, and better at getting my horniness to die down a notch. Like Pam, after oral, I usually want intercourse. After intercourse I usually just want to cuddle.

within a monogamous relationship how hard is it to separate love and sex? is this affected by your gender?

I find it really easy, but they're still very intertwined. To me, your question is sort of like: "within nutrition, how easy is it to separate drinking and eating?" They're clearly different, but related, and if you drink enough soup you're not hungry any more, and if you eat enough pretzels, then you really need a drink, and... this analogy is probably about to break :P Decide for yourself whether eating=love and drinking=sex or the other way round, I'm not sure I'm feeling coherent enough to work it out :rolleyes:

Link to post
Share on other sites
never odd or even

makes more sense! yeah, i understand that its hard to take the lack of it as a lack of love... i mean, if you didnt touch or kiss or cuddle your partner, you'd be quite inclined to believe that there is a problem, i assume sex is just another step down that route... :mellow:

i asked my former question as everyone seems to say 'yeah i know the difference' but in reality of ace/sexual relations they really dont... they can only see it in terms of one night stands and friendship love which isnt what i'm talking about :rolleyes:

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks for the answers^^

So, I have another question: When do you feel the most intimacy? (When you kiss,have sex or when you talk to your partner or something else?) Do you need physical closeness to get a feeling of intimacy or is emotional closeness sufficient as well to feel it?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Lady Girl

To be honest, there have been a few distinctly intense intimate moments with my husband and they were not sexual. And there have been some that did involve physical closeness as well, but I might rate them slightly lower because of the physical. Not sure why (maybe because he's asexual) but I tend to think of emotional and intellectual connectedness as being more meaningful and enduring.

And to contradict myself, because he is asexual (and possibly aromantic) and actually puts forth effort for me physically, even just a hug seems quite intimate. So it looks like my answer is both maybe. And I've also noticed that the intensity of it seemed uexpected at the time...like you didn't plan it. Seems even more intimate because of that!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Here's a question (from someone still trying to figure out this whole sexuality thing): How specific is sexual attraction? As in, when you see someone you're sexually attracted to, do you imagine having sex with them and what they would look like in sexual situations? Or is it more a general arousal coupled with a nonspecific desire to be closer to them? Does this change based on whether you've had sex before, i.e. have something the desire on, or do you just naturally think about the person in relation to sex? I'm specifically asking women, here, only because I am one. I'd be interested in what men have to say too, though!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...