The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread

[Olivier]

I remember reading in an agony aunt column someone's complaint that his wife always got straight in the shower after sex, and this contributed to his belief that she felt dirty about having sex with him. I also understand that both cuddling and falling asleep straight after sex are common reactions. Yet references in popular culture and among people I know suggest that the bed sheets become noticeably wet.

My questions are, is it unusual or even offensive to clean up immediately afterwards, and am I over-estimating how much external bodily fluid is involved? Not having had sex myself I don't know what the aftermath is, but one thing that's making me doubt that it would be worth the stress involved in trying it out (at 21 I am getting intellectually curious about sex acts instead of just sexual orientation and considering trying it in case I am missing out on something that might be highly rewarding by not dating in any capacity as now) is that I envision being expected to lie in my own and someone else's slime when we're done! Sorry to put it in such unappealing terms, but that's my fear and motivation for asking.

Well, where to start?

1) Yes, intercourse produces a wet patch, usually small, sometimes bigger (It will vary between people, and it will vary even with the same two people).

2) Sleeping in the wet patch is not fun, therefore...

3) There's a whole bunch of "wet patch etiquette". Firstly, and most directly to answer your question, it is not universally considered bad form to go clean up straight away. If cuddling after is wanted by your partner it's probably polite to make it quick and come straight back. But some people may get offended. Those sort of people should make damn sure sex takes place on their side of the bed so that they can chivalrously sleep in the wet patch. Anything else is a dick move. Another common practice is to spread a towel on the bed and have sex on it. Then afterwards, it can just go in the wash. Or to have something handy so clean-up can be done without bolting out of the room.

My experience in the matter is mostly confined to the single relationship I've spent the last two decades in, but I'd guess that the older people get, the more pragmatic they are about that sort of thing. I've never had a problem either way. I think it's also an attitude thing: an "I'm just going to take a few moments to get more comfortable" attitude is going to be less awkward than a "Yuk, I need to get this filth off me NOW" attitude.

But no, having sex does not doom you to sleeping in a puddle, and any partner of yours who suggests otherwise should probably be taken out and quietly shot as a service to humanity :P.

[square peg]

Well, where to start?

1) Yes, intercourse produces a wet patch, usually small, sometimes bigger (It will vary between people, and it will vary even with the same two people).

2) Sleeping in the wet patch is not fun, therefore...

3) There's a whole bunch of "wet patch etiquette". Firstly, and most directly to answer your question, it is not universally considered bad form to go clean up straight away. If cuddling after is wanted by your partner it's probably polite to make it quick and come straight back. But some people may get offended. Those sort of people should make damn sure sex takes place on their side of the bed so that they can chivalrously sleep in the wet patch. Anything else is a dick move. Another common practice is to spread a towel on the bed and have sex on it. Then afterwards, it can just go in the wash. Or to have something handy so clean-up can be done without bolting out of the room.

My experience in the matter is mostly confined to the single relationship I've spent the last two decades in, but I'd guess that the older people get, the more pragmatic they are about that sort of thing. I've never had a problem either way. I think it's also an attitude thing: an "I'm just going to take a few moments to get more comfortable" attitude is going to be less awkward than a "Yuk, I need to get this filth off me NOW" attitude.

But no, having sex does not doom you to sleeping in a puddle, and any partner of yours who suggests otherwise should probably be taken out and quietly shot as a service to humanity :P.

Thanks Olivier, that was an extremely helpful answer! Made me laugh, too :D

[sexualwithasexual]

That's interesting, I'm an asexual female and I started masturbating at about age seven and don't remember how I first discovered it, presumably the feeling down there just got uncomfortable and when I touched it to ease the feeling (like pressurising a wound) I noticed that it actually felt pleasurable. It was years before I realised anyone else did too, I was sure I was the only one and was quite ashamed and concerned by it. I'd find it triggered by and fantasise about the same themes I do now, nothing to do with sex or human bodies. I wonder whether the fact that I was doing this so early on prior to much knowledge about sex and experience of certain kinds of social interaction prevented me from coming to associate those physical sensations with normal objects of attraction (other people) in addition to what they had somehow seemingly always been associated with. Most parasexuals are still attracted to other people, after all.

I find this very interesting. But I suspect that you'd have been the way you are no matter what. When you were little, you most likely had ways of fantasizing human sexual things too. When I first masturbated, I was watching two people make out on a sitcom! So you don't need something that graphic...

My partner says she fantasized being on a hill of flowers and rolling naked all over the hill! I'd love to hear other asexual fantasies. It's interesting to me that humans can feel sexual over something not typically considered, well, sexual!

[square peg]

That's interesting, I'm an asexual female and I started masturbating at about age seven and don't remember how I first discovered it, presumably the feeling down there just got uncomfortable and when I touched it to ease the feeling (like pressurising a wound) I noticed that it actually felt pleasurable. It was years before I realised anyone else did too, I was sure I was the only one and was quite ashamed and concerned by it. I'd find it triggered by and fantasise about the same themes I do now, nothing to do with sex or human bodies. I wonder whether the fact that I was doing this so early on prior to much knowledge about sex and experience of certain kinds of social interaction prevented me from coming to associate those physical sensations with normal objects of attraction (other people) in addition to what they had somehow seemingly always been associated with. Most parasexuals are still attracted to other people, after all.

I find this very interesting. But I suspect that you'd have been the way you are no matter what. When you were little, you most likely had ways of fantasizing human sexual things too. When I first masturbated, I was watching two people make out on a sitcom! So you don't need something that graphic...

My partner says she fantasized being on a hill of flowers and rolling naked all over the hill! I'd love to hear other asexual fantasies. It's interesting to me that humans can feel sexual over something not typically considered, well, sexual!

I don't remember having fantasies about human sexual things, and when I realised that that's what other people masturbated to it was quite a shocking revelation to me, even though I knew the mechanics of how babies were made again from the age of seven, so the dots were there to be joined. I actually have noticed that I do now get a little turned on by the thought of certain sex acts, because I'm imagining how that physical stimulation must feel. However I could get turned on just as much by the thought of a sex act with a pie or other warm moist object, as it would probably feel pretty similar. I don't really see a difference, except I that wouldn't feel self-conscious in front of the pie.

[bluebanana2014]

question time, do you guys think that a relationship consisting of an asexual and the opposite orientation could work?

[Pandoren]

I think it CAN work, but with love, communication, perseverance, patience and compromise. I also think in the majority of cases, it doesn't work- but then again, a lot of same orientation relationships don't either.

[Hallucigenia]

A poster named Olivier here has one that works, and has been working for a very long time, as do a couple other folks. With a lot of communication, patience, and understanding, yes, it can work.

[Seul]

question time, do you guys think that a relationship consisting of an asexual and the opposite orientation could work?

I think it can-- (my boyfriend and I are on year three of living together) but I think that, like any other relationship it takes work and (some rather unique) compromises. We started out as friends, and neither one of us were looking for a relationship-- I think that helped a lot.

[mariachi]

question time, do you guys think that a relationship consisting of an asexual and the opposite orientation could work?

I think it can-- (my boyfriend and I are on year three of living together) but I think that, like any other relationship it takes work and (some rather unique) compromises. We started out as friends, and neither one of us were looking for a relationship-- I think that helped a lot.

What compromises Seul?

[Hazelnut]

question time, do you guys think that a relationship consisting of an asexual and the opposite orientation could work?

Me being as stubborn as I am, I think so... :) because I'm thinking to myself I'm going to try all that I can to convince my one asexual friend to be in a relationship with me. With an open mind and heart, many possibilities open up. But just as Seul said, many compromises and I'm curious as to what they are as well.

[------]

Unless this question has already been asked: if you're in an asexual/sexual relationship, what compromise works best for you? Why did you both decide on that option?

I know there at a number of options and I'm curious as to which is the most used and successful.

[Olivier]

Unless this question has already been asked: if you're in an asexual/sexual relationship, what compromise works best for you? Why did you both decide on that option?

I know there at a number of options and I'm curious as to which is the most used and successful.

Well, it's not exactly compromise, but the most important part of our solution is mutual acceptance of each other's sexuality. We have an explicit agreement that my wife saying "no" is not a personal attack on or rejection of my sexuality, and that me expressing my attraction or asking for sex is not a personal attack or attempt to invalidate her asexuality, they're just both us being us. We decided it had to be that way because we tried it the other way, where we'd each try to modify our behaviour out of respect for each other - me by suppressing my sexual nature and my wife by feigning interest, but that (not surprisingly) isn't really a recipe for happiness, no matter how well-intentioned, at least not for us.

And that compromise extends to sex itself. I don't expect my wife to come on to me all hot and steamy (even though I'd like that ;)) because that's just not really her. And she doesn't expect me to give up sex and be happy with cuddles only every time (even though she'd like THAT), because that's just not me. We are who we are, and we'd rather be together than apart (and we'd rather that A LOT ) so we accept that our sex life is going to be a sort of odd shape for both of us, because we just don't fit together as perfectly on sex as we do on everything else.

So over all we have sex, but rather less frequently than I'd prefer, and it's usually quite relaxed and comfortable rather than passionate and frantic. We'll often chat about other things during, or just joke around, for most of it. Sometimes we'll just make it very quick, if that what my wife wants, and sometimes she'll add in things that I really like.

Two asexuality-specific compromises we have:

1) if we're aiming for her to have an orgasm as part of sex (and she alone chooses whether she wants that on any occasion) then we really de-emphasise the partnered aspect of sex - we don't talk, minimise touch such as stroking each other or kissing, pick a not very in-her-face position, and she usually uses a vibrator during intercourse. She can then focus on her own arousal, and let the fact that I'm even there at all to fade to a more secondary or peripheral thing. I actually find it pretty damned sexy to have a ringside seat (or closer) for her self-pleasure, so that works well for us.

2) rather than end a sex-free cuddle / light make-out session with me left hanging feeling sexually frustrated (which mucks up my sleep, amongst other things) we'll often tack on at the end a chance for me to masturbate that away while while we kiss, or my wife simply looks sexy for my benefit (by taking her time getting undressed for bed, for example) or gives me verbal cues to assist a fantasy (eg, "Imagine I'm wearing X when you come in from work..."). I still feel like I've had some of things I like from partnered sex, because my wife is directly involved, but she gets to avoid intercourse, or even touch completely.

[notalone]

Unless this question has already been asked: if you're in an asexual/sexual relationship, what compromise works best for you? Why did you both decide on that option?

I know there at a number of options and I'm curious as to which is the most used and successful.

Well, it's not exactly compromise, but the most important part of our solution is mutual acceptance of each other's sexuality. We have an explicit agreement that my wife saying "no" is not a personal attack on or rejection of my sexuality, and that me expressing my attraction or asking for sex is not a personal attack or attempt to invalidate her asexuality, they're just both us being us. We decided it had to be that way because we tried it the other way, where we'd each try to modify our behaviour out of respect for each other - me by suppressing my sexual nature and my wife by feigning interest, but that (not surprisingly) isn't really a recipe for happiness, no matter how well-intentioned, at least not for us.

And that compromise extends to sex itself. I don't expect my wife to come on to me all hot and steamy (even though I'd like that ;)) because that's just not really her. And she doesn't expect me to give up sex and be happy with cuddles only every time (even though she'd like THAT), because that's just not me. We are who we are, and we'd rather be together than apart (and we'd rather that A LOT ) so we accept that our sex life is going to be a sort of odd shape for both of us, because we just don't fit together as perfectly on sex as we do on everything else.

So over all we have sex, but rather less frequently than I'd prefer, and it's usually quite relaxed and comfortable rather than passionate and frantic. We'll often chat about other things during, or just joke around, for most of it. Sometimes we'll just make it very quick, if that what my wife wants, and sometimes she'll add in things that I really like.

Two asexuality-specific compromises we have:

1) if we're aiming for her to have an orgasm as part of sex (and she alone chooses whether she wants that on any occasion) then we really de-emphasise the partnered aspect of sex - we don't talk, minimise touch such as stroking each other or kissing, pick a not very in-her-face position, and she usually uses a vibrator during intercourse. She can then focus on her own arousal, and let the fact that I'm even there at all to fade to a more secondary or peripheral thing. I actually find it pretty damned sexy to have a ringside seat (or closer) for her self-pleasure, so that works well for us.

2) rather than end a sex-free cuddle / light make-out session with me left hanging feeling sexually frustrated (which mucks up my sleep, amongst other things) we'll often tack on at the end a chance for me to masturbate that away while while we kiss, or my wife simply looks sexy for my benefit (by taking her time getting undressed for bed, for example) or gives me verbal cues to assist a fantasy (eg, "Imagine I'm wearing X when you come in from work..."). I still feel like I've had some of things I like from partnered sex, because my wife is directly involved, but she gets to avoid intercourse, or even touch completely.

[Elo]

I think what you and your wife have is beautiful, and I'm grateful that you posted. I've noticed that your posts are always well structured and nicly written, it makes them highly enjoyable to read. This one makes me hopeful that things can work out. My one and only major relationship ended in shambles recently. I realised my asexuality about halfway through and we approached it all the wrong way.

. . .we tried it the other way, where we'd each try to modify our behaviour out of respect for each other - me by suppressing my sexual nature and my wife by feigning interest, but that (not surprisingly) isn't really a recipe for happiness, no matter how well-intentioned, at least not for us.

It's funny how good your intentions are when you start down that road. :(

[test account]

Old post.

[sonofzeal]

I need to ask our sexual friends about flirting.

I'm worried that I'm a verbal abuser. When I date guys I like I tease them, I take cheap shots and digs at them. I expect them dig me back and have fun with it but one guy that I really like tends to go quiet on me when i do that. One time he called me a bitch (in a joking way, but it was out of character for him so i took it half-seriously).

I thought this is what flirting was, playing a silly game of gently insulting each other. But now I'm worried that I'm actually abusive because I love the thrill of making cutting remarks and waiting to see if my date can trump me with something even more cutting. If he does, it shocks me a bit but I admire him for it. Like when this guy called me a bitch, my respect for him went up several levels.

I guess what I'm asking is, am I overly concerned about this or should I address it? Am I being abusive?

(Actually, now I've written this I'm thinking that I might actually be seeking abuse for some sick reason...oh dear)

Oh dear indeed! Armchair psychoanalysing can be a dangerous thing!

Flirting can take many forms, but you have accurately described at least one. The key to making it healthy is to make sure than the other person is on the same page. That's really what it's about, I think, on a subconscious level. If you can read the other person to know exactly how to pitch your jabs so they don't hurt, that's a big recommendation for you. And if the two of you can dance that dangerous dance without either getting hurt, it bodes well for your compatibility in general. So, it makes sense as a functional courting practice; couples who know how to rib each other are probably more likely to be successful in the long term than couples who can't strike that delicate balance with each other.

But I also know people who like to be dominated, and there's nothing wrong with that. It's not abuse, it's not sick, as long as trust and communication are maintained and everyone's enjoying it. If that's what's going on for you, hey, if it works then go for it.

Or maybe you're just like me and enjoy the sparring. ^^

[test account]

Cheers.

[motherof]

ETA: We have a thread! Any other sexuals wishing to answer questions should consider themselves begged to enlighten us :D

Original Message

A very long time ago, I posted a thread wondering if asexuals would be interested in a thread addressed something like 'Questions to Sexuals'. It would be a thread for asexuals to ask questions that they're not really comfortable asking close firneds/relatives/whatever. If I don't get any objections, and if I can get a few sexuals to sign up and sort of keep watch over the thread to answer the questions, I'll run it across the mods. That is assuming no one has a problem with it.

Any takers?

I am the mother of a 14 year old that I believe is asexual. I have joined to support him, but I am also a sexual person, so if I can answer any questions, I will be glad to. By way of introduction, I am in mother in my 50's, have been married more than 20 years and have two children.

[test account]

Hmm.

[Niemand]

So, I have another question. How do you all think that most sexuals would react to finding out that their partner didn't believe in pre-marital sex? If their partner was sexual? Asexual?

Thanks for the replies in advance!

[Olivier]

Well, I'm sure you realise it's impossible to generalise. Some sexuals are all for pre-marriage abstinence, others dead against. I suspect those comfortable with pre-marital sex are the vast majority these days - I don't know anyone who waited, not even my most Christian friends.

But I suspect many could respect their partner's decision to wait, and others would find it intolerable to deliberately put off learning something important about how you relate as a couple until after a lifelong commitment was made, especially if the partner was asexual and the potential for deal-breaking incompatibility was higher.

Personally, I think any fears about sex not working out to either party's satisfaction in a sexual/asexual relationship are pretty reasonable, whether or not that turns out to be the case down the road.

[Pamcakes]

Niemand, for my part, I would be unwilling to be in a monogamous, nonsexual relationship.

P.

[Niemand]

I figured there must be a lot of variety between how sexuals would feel, which is why I thought I'd ask here--to get a large sample size. Thanks for the replies, and if anyone more wants to comment feel free! Thanks!

[EasyGoing]

Someone once told me that they were uncomfortable around gays because of the "anal sex thing". I pointed out that behavior is not orientation, and sex didn't have to be about penetration. They were confused; I think they said, "sex is penetration". So, here's my question.

I see attraction as an interested in doing sexual things with someone else, a desire to experience arousal and climax with them. Is heterosexual attraction "penetration driven"? When a heterosexual woman feels attracted to a man, is "being penetrated" high on her list of desired activities? When a heterosexual man feels attracted to a woman, is "penetrating" high on his list of desired activities?

Here's the main question: Is thinking about/desiring penetration an important part of heterosexual sexual response?

[Pamcakes]

That's entirely individual.

Sexual intercourse is only one type of sexual activity, and it gets a little over-emphasised by our culture.

I consider having participated in fellatio or cunnilingus or mutual masturbation or frottage all to be having "had sex", and refer to them as such. I don't buy this idea that penetration is the only "real" sex, and everything else is just...foreplay? I guess.

P.

[Olivier]

Someone once told me that they were uncomfortable around gays because of the "anal sex thing". I pointed out that behavior is not orientation, and sex didn't have to be about penetration. They were confused; I think they said, "sex is penetration". So, here's my question.

I see attraction as an interested in doing sexual things with someone else, a desire to experience arousal and climax with them. Is heterosexual attraction "penetration driven"? When a heterosexual woman feels attracted to a man, is "being penetrated" high on her list of desired activities? When a heterosexual man feels attracted to a woman, is "penetrating" high on his list of desired activities?

Here's the main question: Is thinking about/desiring penetration an important part of heterosexual sexual response?

Starting with the main question: I think desiring penetration is an inevitable part of the sexual response of anyone who sexually enjoys penetration, and that group of people is fairly large, to say the least. But it's not really an end in itself, for me. What I desire is shared emotional intimacy, and sensual pleasure of a sexual nature. Intercourse gives me that, so I desire it, but the fact that it's penetrative is not important in and of itself.

As for your anal-fearing friend: was their discomfort based on the fact that gays might be attracted to them, and hence fantasise about penetrating them (if they were male)? That's the only part-way rational way out of that that I can see. I have a bisexual male friend who is quite open about the fact that he's sexually attracted to me (and has been for thirty years). It's just a bit of a joke between us now, but I had more trouble coming to terms with it when I was a teenager, and it really was along the lines that what he saw sexually in me was firmly in my "Do. Not. Want!" basket.

The whole penetration is sex, so sex is penetration is just another example of a pretty common logic fail.

[Pamcakes]

As for your anal-fearing friend: was their discomfort based on the fact that gays might be attracted to them, and hence fantasise about penetrating them (if they were male)? That's the only part-way rational way out of that that I can see. I have a bisexual male friend who is quite open about the fact that he's sexually attracted to me (and has been for thirty years). It's just a bit of a joke between us now, but I had more trouble coming to terms with it when I was a teenager, and it really was along the lines that what he saw sexually in me was firmly in my "Do. Not. Want!" basket.

I never quite understood that response, though I shan't impugn its validity. I just always figured what people do in their own minds is their business, even if it involves me; but the moment someone starts actually, physically behaving in a way that impinges on my boundaries, I admit I speak up and voice my discomfort (when I feel able - it's sad I even have to include that clause, but that's - TRIGGER WARNING - rape culture for you).

P.

[Olivier]

I never quite understood that response, though I shan't impugn its validity. I just always figured what people do in their own minds is their business, even if it involves me

I agree with that, with the wisdom of my years ;)

But at 14, I was still getting that sorted, and it wasn't so obvious to me then.

[Rhaenys]

I have a dumb question but :

Like how some aces do compromise and have sex with their sexual partners to make them happy is it possible for a sexual to not have sex with his / her asexual partner out of love ?

I'm just wondering if that can be a form of compromise as well cause I don't see it around much.

[Olivier]

I have a dumb question but :

Like how some aces do compromise and have sex with their sexual partners to make them happy is it possible for a sexual to not have sex with his / her asexual partner out of love ?

I'm just wondering if that can be a form of compromise as well cause I don't see it around much.

It depends what you mean.

I recall a few couples here where the sexual had given up sex for their partner, but not many, it's true.

But even in a situation like mine where we do have sex, there are plenty of occasions where I give up the thought of sex out of love. Indeed, (and quite against my natural inclinations), if we're having particularly special, intimate time together, I'll refrain from even suggesting sex, lest that ruin things.

That seems to get a good balance for us, anyway.