The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread

[Isitworthit]

Thanks for the insights and recommendation Snao, Ceebs n Liara. certain subjects seem to stop dead but he has said that he’s not had a significant gf in 20 years. A flag I chose to ignore. Never married, no kids, and I think one near death medical crisis and the loss of his closest brother have made him seek companionship. Not sure I could steer him here, though he is an intellectual fellow.
I think he equates a physical response to attraction and before I investigated this path I mentioned testosterone supplements. He said he would ask his doc for the test, etc…assay to find out if he was deficient but we are now in a cooling off phase due to the mismatch. 

[Olallieberry]

15 hours ago, Isitworthit said:

he questions aloud about the missing drive to be intimate

Like, in what way? Tone/intention?

 

Is he asking as if he's frustrated about it and wishing he could get it back? Or is he more like asking rhetorically as if musing philosophically because he's self-conscious about the mis-match in your relative drives and feels like he has to say something?

 

Big difference.

[fantastic mx. foxglove]

I've always thought of sex as something deeply intimate between two people, but things like hookups seem to contradict this thought. What does it feel like to have sex with someone you are attached to vs a total stranger? Is there any difference at all? Do you prefer one or the other? What about someone else (especially someone you don't really know) would make you consider hooking up with them? What about repeated hookups or friends with benefits?

 

What is it like to be sexually attracted to someone, but not romantically? If you're hanging out with someone you're not romantically interested in but you sleep with them in a platonic setting (like hanging out at a pub or something), how do you view them? Do you feel a desire to have sex with them even though the situation is unrelated? How do you view them or your relationship in platonic settings?

 

Unrelated to the above, but I was wondering what the appeal of strippers is. What makes them fun to watch? What do you personally get out of it?

[Olallieberry]

58 minutes ago, festive foxglove said:

I've always thought of sex as something deeply intimate between two people, but things like hookups seem to contradict this thought.

Indeed. Sex is never all or only one thing. Even if there's some hypothetical person for whom sex is all or only one thing, they're just one person and don't define anyone else's sexual experience.

 

58 minutes ago, festive foxglove said:

What does it feel like to have sex with someone you are attached to vs a total stranger?

Hard to describe, but let's go with... "More attached?" And for me, usually hotter, because with a stranger or someone else who's new in my bed, there's not a history of sex with them giving us knowledge about what each other likes and how each other responds and how to make it personally hot for each other. And, desire builds with familiarity. Look at it this way - there's always a "first time" with someone, right? Even if you become more bonded/attached later. For me, sex has a large part in creating that bond/attachment.

 

58 minutes ago, festive foxglove said:

Is there any difference at all? Do you prefer one or the other?

For me, sex with a regular partner is definitely preferred. Ideally a "love" partner, not just a "like-you-but-don't-love-you" regular partner. You see how there's a whole spectrum here, I'm sure. Stranger < acquaintance < friend < fwb < date < lover < partner < life partner

 

58 minutes ago, festive foxglove said:

What about someone else (especially someone you don't really know) would make you consider hooking up with them?

Appearance is probably what would make me initially take notice and start having thoughts of considering it.
But it definitely would have to go beyond that, so, "chemistry" is all I can come up with.
At a minimum, they would have to have a not-repellent personality AND
the situation would have to be such that:
There would need to be an opportunity, and  something compelling about taking it, with them.
Better would be someone whose personality is attractive to me - we get along, have fun.
And always, the circumstances are relevant.
Is one or the other of us already with someone, for any value of "with?"
Do either of us have expectations the other isn't willing to meet ("call you after" or something else)?
Are they sober enough? (I always am, and someone else's intoxication might be a turn-off on its own, besides being a pragmatic reason for me to say no-thanks.) 

For me, some of the situational requirements would be, Can we take our time and not be rushed?

Do we have a comfortable place for it?
How hungry for sex am I at the moment?

 

58 minutes ago, festive foxglove said:

What about repeated hookups or friends with benefits?

SItuationally, any first-time hookup could become a regular thing. I've never had intercourse with someone just the one single time. But I have backed out of a regular, if short-term, FWB situation after finding I wasn't really enjoying spending time with the person.

 

I'd generally be pretty reluctant to have a hookup with someone who I didn't like enough to expect to want to do it with again, whether they were a stranger or someone I already knew. Though, with people I was attracted to, I have had one-night situations. These were based on expectations, not just on a "one and done" attitude. One time I made out with and felt up a boss who was engaged - clearly no repeat expected. Another time I went down on a friend at college when I was just visiting there for a couple of days after dropping out - we both knew I wasn't going to be around afterwards.

 

58 minutes ago, festive foxglove said:

What is it like to be sexually attracted to someone, but not romantically?

Sometimes romantic attraction develops out of sexual attraction. I've never had romantic attraction without sexual attraction, not counting the present state of my current relationship which is 100% asexual now after years of marriage, and it's also borderline aromantic, not that that diminishes our commitment or the attraction that we do have, whatever it's called.

 

Sexual attraction is more fun and intense with romantic attraction. Even when there's no expectation of romantic bonding. For me to pursue sex with someone with whom there's no expectation of romantic bonding, it would have to be a matter of opportunity and circumstances being just right. One of those circumstances would have to be that expectations on both sides are real clear. For me to expect no romance while the other person might very well expect that, that would be playing with fire. I'm not interested in using someone else who will wind up hurt. That's not sexy to me, it's piggish.

 

58 minutes ago, festive foxglove said:

If you're hanging out with someone you're not romantically interested in but you sleep with them in a platonic setting (like hanging out at a pub or something), how do you view them? Do you feel a desire to have sex with them even though the situation is unrelated? How do you view them or your relationship in platonic settings?

This is hard to answer, but I guess it just becomes like - now they're a friend I have a past with. They're a friend I shared something with. It doesn't make them a "different kind of friend" than other friends, exactly, although I guess it could. But, really, only in the sense that every friend I have is already a different kind of friend than every other friend I have. They're all different people and I had different experiences with them all. It certainly can make them a different kind of friend than they used to be. But maybe not a lot different.

 

As far as the desire to have sex with them goes, I feel like a lot of friendships can have a certain presence of sexual tension. Most of them never get acted on. What you said about "the situation" is pretty much exactly what does lead to acting on the desire. Something about the friendship, or about our individual circumstances, prevents us from pursuing each other as lovers as long as we're friends, but then "one night" there's just a right-place-right-time scenario and we go for it. Afterwards, those individual circumstances remain in force and we don't continue. The friendship is subsequently a little different, but like I said, maybe not a lot.

 

So the way I view them is still "just friends," but there's something a bit special there. I don't view them as "a slut" or "used" or any BS like that, if that was what you meant by this question. It's like - I have friends I've gone climbing with, and friends I haven't. I have friends I've gone sailing with, and friends I haven't. I have friends I've cooked dinner for, and friends I haven't. I have friends I've gone to the hospital with, and friends I haven't. I have friends I've had sex with, and friends I haven't. You know?

 

Interestingly, I've never had a friendship ruined just because we had sex and then didn't become romantic partners, but, there isn't one romantic/sexual partner from my past who I remained (became?) friends with afterwards.

 

58 minutes ago, festive foxglove said:

I was wondering what the appeal of strippers is. What makes them fun to watch? What do you personally get out of it?

Me? Nothing. It's not even as exciting as softcore porn, and I've given porn up. I don't get what's in it for other guys - I mean, I guess I do, I just don't get anything from watching strippers.

[fantastic mx. foxglove]

This is actually super interesting! You've said a lot of things I've never considered before. I've learned a lot! Thank you so much for sharing! ^^

[Ceebs]

Casual sex isn't for everyone, and I'm part of the demographic of people to whom it doesn't appeal. An extremely brief (like, a few weeks maybe) online-only FWB thing was the closest I got. We knew each other a bit through a community we both belonged to, and although the sexual desire came first, along with liking his personality (at the time, anyway; I later found him kind of annoying and pretentious), my brain quickly started thinking about him in a romantic sense as well. Sexual and romantic feelings just pretty much always go hand in hand for me, perhaps with one preceding the other ever so slightly. So it didn't last long because I'm just not fulfilled by something sexual that doesn't involve a really intense and exclusive emotional connection as well. We didn't stay in contact. 

 

My relationship with my partner of a little over three and a half years now followed a similar pattern to some degree -- online friends first, I very quickly developed a crush (tbh it was one of those weird situations where you feel like there's something different about someone almost immediately but you can't explain why), and then started having Sexytimey Thoughts (but in that case nothing happened for ages; I was in another relationship at the time, and also assumed he wouldn't be interested). We continued becoming closer emotionally over the course of a couple years. By the time sexual stuff did eventually happen, I'd long ago realised I was in love with him, so I had a shitload of romantic feelings as well. I was a bit afraid at first about what might happen, whether I was going to end up getting hurt (through no fault of his) if we were just some sort of online FWB thing again, since I didn't know what type of feelings he had besides friendship and apparently some unanticipated sexual interest. Unlike my other experience though, we really really liked each other as friends and had a history of several years of an increasingly close connection (we were saying 'I love you' within a week or two of things getting sexual 😅).  So, it didn't remain FWB, or online-only either. I just don't get what I want and need out of such arrangements.

 

Nearly 20 years ago now I drunkenly made out and got a bit touchy-feely (no actual sex) with a complete stranger at a club. Like, someone whose name I never even knew. That whole scenario was a rarity for me, I hate clubs, but I was trying to do what I thought I was supposed to do as a young person because a friend asked me along and I desperately wanted to be what I thought was 'normal'. Honestly it did feel a bit thrilling in the moment, but also very foreign and anxiety-inducing, and the next morning I was incredibly uncomfortable with what I'd done. I probably wouldn't have done any of it if alcohol hadn't been involved. I'm glad there was no actual sex, because I think I would've found my own actions really hard to come to terms with. Maybe... I guess I don't know for sure. But I suspect I probably wouldn't have felt good about it.

 

If I were single, I'm not sure I could ever see myself bothering to attempt anything casual again, offline or online. I'm just too socially selective even when it comes to entirely platonic friendships. I don't have the required 'people energy' for casual connections of any sort. Hell, I often don't even have the energy to stay in frequent touch with a lot of people I really really like.

 

Anywho. Yeah, I need love and deep friendship and romance with my sex. It's not that I can't feel sexual interest in someone in a casual way; I can. It's that it's going to be very unfulfilling and will almost certainly fuck me up emotionally in a big way. The emotional connection bit of sex is probably more important to me than the physical, much as I really really really love the physical too. Sex with someone I love is one of my favourite things about being alive and I'm just not interested in bothering with anything less than that.

 

But yep, people are all over the place with how they feel about casual sexual encounters. My ex-girlfriend apparently hooked up with a number of guys, total strangers from Craigslist and whatnot, when she was young. She's not at all romantically attracted to men and felt nothing for those people specifically when it came to sexual desire. She just liked having sex and I suppose they passed whatever basic standards she had for things like hygiene and a pleasant enough demeanour, so... why not? I never heard she regretted the experiences. I guess it was just a fun, recreational thing to do.

 

On 12/27/2023 at 1:18 PM, festive foxglove said:

Unrelated to the above, but I was wondering what the appeal of strippers is. What makes them fun to watch? What do you personally get out of it?

Nothing. Random naked bodies don't do anything for me. I'd probably burst into laughter if I went to a strip club and watched people stripping, and then get very bored very fast.

[fantastic mx. foxglove]

Thank you for sharing! There's lots for me to think about

[islayhawkin]

Can anybody describe what the difference is between for romantic and sexual touch?

I like romantic touch and I could literally touch my partners genitals without feeling a difference to any other part of them. But I know that most people would conside such touch as sexual but in what way does it feel different?

[Olallieberry]

6 hours ago, islayhawkin said:

Can anybody describe what the difference is between for romantic and sexual touch?

I like romantic touch and I could literally touch my partners genitals without feeling a difference to any other part of them. But I know that most people would conside such touch as sexual but in what way does it feel different?

I’m not sure there’s a difference, to sexual people. Even non-intimate touch triggers at least some level of sexual feelings in a romantic situation.

 

So, in a mixed relationship, it would be the ace’s job to explain the difference, by showing where their personal boundaries are.

 

To non-sexual people, if there’s such a thing as “only-romantic” touch that is “not-sexual” touch, most sexual people would have to be taught the difference. It’s not as simple as just where the touch falls or does not fall. Touch which an ace says is “only” romantic and is not sexual to them will seem like what the sexual person knows as sexually stimulating touch, even if it’s not in intimate places. Doing this kind of touch will often get them aroused even if they know it doesn’t get the ace interested in sex.

[islayhawkin]

1 hour ago, Olallieberry said:

I’m not sure there’s a difference, to sexual people. Even non-intimate touch triggers at least some level of sexual feelings in a romantic situation.

 

So, in a mixed relationship, it would be the ace’s job to explain the difference, by showing where their personal boundaries are.

 

To non-sexual people, if there’s such a thing as “only-romantic” touch that is “not-sexual” touch, most sexual people would have to be taught the difference. It’s not as simple as just where the touch falls or does not fall. Touch which an ace says is “only” romantic and is not sexual to them will seem like what the sexual person knows as sexually stimulating touch, even if it’s not in intimate places. Doing this kind of touch will often get them aroused even if they know it doesn’t get the ace interested in sex.

 

Wait so for sexual people there is not a real difference between feeling romantic and sexual touch? It's always connected to sexual feelings?

[Vorps]

16 minutes ago, islayhawkin said:

Wait so for sexual people there is not a real difference between feeling romantic and sexual touch? It's always connected to sexual feelings?

I mean, there are exceptions to every catch-all, so mandatory caveat; not all sexuals are the same.

 

I think if you pull back from 'touch' a little, it makes more sense. For a lot of sexuals, romantic and sexual anything are linked to a certain degree.

 

I'd say it's the degree of connection that changes. A romantic touch on the arm isn't equivalent to a much more private touch, but it can certainly get the motor running.

 

There's a reason mismatched asexual/sexual relationships often lose touch first though. The asexual partner is often afraid of engendering a sexual response in their parter, and the sexual parter wants to avoid generating an unanswerable sexual response in themselves.

[islayhawkin]

26 minutes ago, Vorps said:

I'd say it's the degree of connection that changes. A romantic touch on the arm isn't equivalent to a much more private touch, but it can certainly get the motor running.

Of course it's always difficult to generalise. 

So if as the example I'd touch and hold my partners arm it makes them think of wanting to do a sexual activity? Or is it rather just a stimuli that can just lead to thinking about such a sexual activity if they are in the mood but 'normally' would simply enjoy the romantic touch like I do too? 

And is the ultimate goal when they feel it  that they want to have sex?

 

I'm really confused about how it feels. 

 

[Vorps]

1 hour ago, islayhawkin said:

So if as the example I'd touch and hold my partners arm it makes them think of wanting to do a sexual activity?

Impossible to say. Maybe they're feeling particularly turned on that day. I can think of a few different ways of holding onto my arm that would produce varying levels of that kind of interest.

 

1 hour ago, islayhawkin said:

Or is it rather just a stimuli that can just lead to thinking about such a sexual activity if they are in the mood but 'normally' would simply enjoy the romantic touch like I do too? 

And is the ultimate goal when they feel it  that they want to have sex?

I've seen this thinking come up a lot in the asexual/sexual discorse, and maybe ceebs or ollie will chime in eventually, as they tend to be more well-spoken than I am.

 

Imo, this is where our differing sexuality/experiences get in our way communicating these ideas the most. Sure there is non-sexual touch, but your average sexual person probably isnt thinking 'oh this touch from my partner isnt the sexual kind.' It's just 'my parner is touching me' and a slew of other pieces of context would determine if any sort of sexual feelings arise from that. That sort of thought process is generally learned through mis-match. If you're on the same page with libido/sexuality, the thought isnt like likely to cross your mind.

 

If you were partnered with an asexual, would you wonder if they thought your touch was sexual?

 

When people say that for a lot of sexuals sex and romance are linked, this is one of those things. In a 'matched' sexual relationship, a touch may be a touch and it may become something more. How much the person in question wants the "ultimate goal' of every instance of touch to be sex varies by person.

 

But even thinking that sex is the "ultimate goal" of touch for sexuals is missing the tie. Like instead of romantic it's sexual. No. For most sexuals its both. So 'why is the touch sexual instead of romantic' isnt really an applicable question for sexuals. Romance breeds (for lack of a better term) sexual feelings. It's not one or the other.

 

Touch to feelings of love to sexuality as a method of expressing that love.

 

I wouldnt say that's any less romantic for not stopping before the sexuality part. I would imagine most asexuals disagree because they dont find sex to be an expression of romantic feelings.

[Olallieberry]

1 hour ago, islayhawkin said:

 

Wait so for sexual people there is not a real difference between feeling romantic and sexual touch? It's always connected to sexual feelings?

Sort of?
 

Let’s be clear about what we’re saying. Saying that, to a sexual person, romantic feelings are always connected to sexual feelings is true in a way and is untrue in a way. It’s not the same as saying we’d always expect all touching to directly become intimate right away. It’s not the same as saying we can’t ever touch romantically without simultaneously thinking about sex, or having sexual intentions.

 

So if I say “yes, it’s always connected,” understand that the connection is subtle. But sexual people don’t generally experience romance without any sexual thoughts, hopes, Intentions, or feelings. It doesn’t mean we intend to act on them immediately or that we’re “undressing you with our hands” every time we touch a romantic partner. But there is always a subtext of sexual content at some level. To many of us. If there weren’t, then it wouldn’t be romantic.

 

There are times and places where a couple of sexual people can “be romantic” while also having to remain chaste. Young people are often in this situation. Adults in certain environments too. So there may be no sex in the relationship for a period of time. But such people are still anticipating it.

[islayhawkin]

Thank you for your answers I think I understand it a bit better now.

 

7 hours ago, Olallieberry said:

But sexual people don’t generally experience romance without any sexual thoughts, hopes, Intentions, or feelings. It doesn’t mean we intend to act on them immediately or that we’re “undressing you with our hands” every time we touch a romantic partner. But there is always a subtext of sexual content at some level.

It's always kinda part of the package and sometimes it can be focused on it and sometimes not?

 

As a metaphor like food is connected with drinks(liquid) ? Sometimes its a soup and sometimes only small amounts of liquid are in the food.

Weird metaphor but it's the best way for me to understand It.

 

7 hours ago, Vorps said:

How much the person in question wants the "ultimate goal' of every instance of touch to be sex varies by person.

The 'ultimate goal' of romantic feelings can be sex then? So if the person is feeling these mixed romantic/sexual feelings is it just existing or does the sexual feeling in it makes them want to do something?

[ubereatsme]

19 hours ago, islayhawkin said:

Can anybody describe what the difference is between for romantic and sexual touch?

I like romantic touch and I could literally touch my partners genitals without feeling a difference to any other part of them. But I know that most people would conside such touch as sexual but in what way does it feel different?

My therapist found the way I contextualised romance quite strange. Where as I talked about romantic attraction, she experienced some interactions as romantic. The idea of being romantically attracted to someone didn't make much sense. The nearest thing was that feeling that you may be compatible with someone and you're experiencing whatever physical attraction you typically experience (aesthetic, sensual, sexual, etc). But she would call that desiring a relationship with someone, or more colloquially "fancying" them. 

 

The idea of being romantically attracted to a stranger has seemed more bizarre to sexuals than this other notion of being sexually attracted to strangers. 

 

I don't quite see the idea of "romantic touch" as a thing now. I understand that an interaction between people involving touching can be romantic if the people involved view it that way. But otherwise I think better words for that concept are sensuality or affection or tactility. 

 

I enjoy a tactile and somewhat sensual relationship with intimate partners. I understand that for some people, the degree of sensuality and affection I crave can be sexually gratifying for them and I don't mind that when I feel like it still won't exceed my boundaries. It means that there are some sexual people that I am compatible with because I can do enough to meet their need for partnered sexual intimacy. Very few though, because I can very, very seldom extend to genital contact and never with my own genitals.

 

My point is that sometimes you can view it as sensual and them sexual, but neither of you mind the different ways of viewing it. It can still be romantic for both parties as well as sexual and/or sensual. Romance is like a different dimension to these things.

[islayhawkin]

31 minutes ago, ubereatsme said:

I understand that for some people, the degree of sensuality and affection I crave can be sexually gratifying for them and I don't mind that when I feel like it still won't exceed my boundaries.

YES this is true for me too. While it doesn't involve actively my body I am happy to give the other person the touch they may want.

But while I view the touch as sensual the other person may view it as sexual which is not a problem for me but I'm simply trying to understand how it feels different for the other person. If they think about engaging in a sexual act when they feel the touch or if they are experiencing it like me but different somehow? In what way does it feel different to them.

[ubereatsme]

1 hour ago, islayhawkin said:

YES this is true for me too. While it doesn't involve actively my body I am happy to give the other person the touch they may want.

But while I view the touch as sensual the other person may view it as sexual which is not a problem for me but I'm simply trying to understand how it feels different for the other person. If they think about engaging in a sexual act when they feel the touch or if they are experiencing it like me but different somehow? In what way does it feel different to them.

I assume because it either inspires or occurs alongside sexual arousal/gratification and/or the desire for sexual contact. This is what I lack. I'm fine with just the sensual and emotional intimacy. 

[ryn2]

I feel like, with most things involving the senses, context makes most of the difference.  Being grabbed by the arm by someone who wants to rob you, a friend walking with you who slips on the ice, or your partner is the same physical stimulus, but context greatly affects how you perceive it.