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The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread


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On 2/16/2020 at 1:46 PM, xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ said:

More often than not the position used is called tribbing.  Scissoring is an offshoot of that.  They both involve genital contact and they both feel great.

After a quick Google, tribbing seems to be far more practical and achievable.

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5 minutes ago, Kimchi Peanut said:

 

I like this system. I think it basically applies to everyone. Most people have things in each category. Some might be entirely category 2 and/or 3.

*nods*
 

Some people may have differing lists from partner to partner, too.

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15 minutes ago, Kimchi Peanut said:

After a quick Google, tribbing seems to be far more practical and achievable.

Isn’t tribbing the “parent category” under which scissoring (and a number of other positions/activities) fall(s)?  Or maybe we use the term differently here?

 

Or maybe I am just wrong, obv.  :)

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Okay so this does fly in here :D

 

*notes*

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3 hours ago, uhtred said:

I generally think of 3 categories:

1) things I like

2) things I don't know if I'd like

3) things I know I don't like (even if I haven't tried them).

Such clear breakdowns have so much fault when considering sex in my opinion.  Every partner brings new, sometimes unconsidered, variables. Flexibility of mind is critical.

 

There are so many “go to” sensual experiences I have today that would have fallen under # 3 by default a few years ago.   Perception, lack of experience, fear of the unknown, baseless judgment and inhibitors can all work against you. Keeping an open mind can be happily life altering.

 

At my age and point on the learning curve, unless it’s extreme, I’ll try most things once before having an opinion.  Early on I recall depositing many things my lover spoke about into bucket 3 by default. (A PG example of this is “licking”. Initially I felt grossed out by the thought and how it was presented. “What?”,  “Why?” and “no way” all came to mind.  Then, I allowed him his moment. Ohhhhhh, my God! Now, I know why. Yes, please, and thank you!)

 

So yeah, I’ve learned to go with the unfamiliar. It can be an expansion of self in the end.

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2 hours ago, Homer said:

Okay so this does fly in here :D

 

*notes*

 

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2 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

Such clear breakdowns have so much fault when considering sex in my opinion.

I don’t personally see it as a fixed list to engrave on a plaque and hang over the bed... to me it’s something that’s true at a given point in time, but may (will?) change over time, from partner to partner, etc.

 

That said, there are still some things I know from similar experience are just a hard no.  For example, I am a bit claustrophobic and turn into a raging freak if someone tries to immobilize me.  I can suppress it and just have a quiet, miserable, garden-variety panic attack when I have to - like, to get an MRI - but I’m not an adrenaline junkie so any hardcore bondage in a sexual (or non-sexual BDSM) setting just isn’t going to be fun for me.  Games where I agree to stay still and pretend the ties around my arms and legs can hold me?  Sure.  But something I really can’t get out of on my own and may seriously injure myself or someone else trying... no thanks.

 

Same goes for things that make me nauseated (I dislike that strongly enough that the risk of it would ruin whatever for me) and things that carry much risk of significant injury.

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6 hours ago, ryn2 said:

I don’t personally see it as a fixed list to engrave on a plaque and hang over the bed... to me it’s something that’s true at a given point in time, but may (will?) change over time, from partner to partner, etc.

Exactly. I’ve learned it changes and things that once would have been a hard “no” given my mindset of yesteryears have become “please, yes, always!”’ today. 

 

6 hours ago, ryn2 said:

there are still some things I know from similar experience

So yes, you basically tried and understand your hard limits better. That’s more #2 than #3 in my mind which goes to the point. 
 

I’m not kinky in the ways you describe so can’t speak to that from experience, but I would try most anything my lover felt like doing as I’ve learned it can be just that worth it.

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1 hour ago, Traveler40 said:

Exactly. I’ve learned it changes and things that once would have been a hard “no” given my mindset of yesteryears have become “please, yes, always!”’ today. 

 

So yes, you basically tried and understand your hard limits better. That’s more #2 than #3 in my mind which goes to the point. 
 

I’m not kinky in the ways you describe so can’t speak to that from experience, but I would try most anything my lover felt like doing as I’ve learned it can be just that worth it.

I tried a lot of things in my past relationships and made this list of hard nos (kinky and vanilla things). And... got with my current partner and found all my hard nos with others didn't exist with her. It's weird how comfort levels make things that seemed awful become suddenly not. 

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3 hours ago, MrDane said:

@Serran and @Traveler40? Are you talking about ‘okay sexual activities in a mixed realtionship’? Or how to evolve it, whilst one not being that into it?

 

Well, I was just commenting on how the like / dont like / dont mind list is not really a thing that held up for me, despite experience. I have activities I absolutely hated and swore to never, ever do because ew and blah ... that I kinda like doing with my partner. When we first started figuring things out we did one of those check list consent things and it was ... totally inaccurate when we began doing things in practice. So, for me, the list varies by partner more than just I tried this I dont like it. 

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6 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

you basically tried and understand your hard limits better. That’s more #2 than #3 in my mind

Not really?  I know from general life experience in many cases (#3) and from trying and not liking (#2) in others.

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6 hours ago, MrDane said:

@Serran and @Traveler40? Are you talking about ‘okay sexual activities in a mixed realtionship’? Or how to evolve it, whilst one not being that into it?

 

I was just generally commenting on sexual relationships and observations I’ve made. Experiences and desire will vary from relationship to relationship.  
 

Frankly, I don’t have any sexual relations within my mixed marriage, and with the exception of one try gone wrong years ago, my husband and I haven’t had sex in over 11 years or so. Sex simply is not part of our mixed relationship equation. Neither is romance for that matter. We are, essentially, in a QPR.

 

Three years ago, I settled on a partner with whom I outsource all sex and romance in my life. We are still going strong, and it‘s that experience from which I speak.

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On 2/21/2020 at 9:33 PM, Traveler40 said:

Perception, lack of experience, fear of the unknown, baseless judgment and inhibitors can all work against you. Keeping an open mind can be happily life altering.

All very well but it takes two to tango so it really doesn't matter who or what you think or what to do as it all depends on the other person wanting to as well.

😶

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  • 4 months later...
32 minutes ago, bikingbed said:

How do you recognize you're romantically attracted?

What do you see as romantic?

Do you desire those things with anyone in particular?

 

If yes -- congrats, you are romantically attracted to them

If no -- congrats, you are not

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anisotrophic
5 hours ago, bikingbed said:

How do you recognize you're romantically attracted?

Love is used to refer to diverse things...

 

In general “being in love” is a temporary state, with a set of unavoidable & intrusive emotions experienced — you can read about “limerence”. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

 

Interpersonal love, however, does not require experiencing that strong state of passion — nor does that state mean enduring love will exist — love can be companionate & similar to friendship. See, for example: 

Color wheel theory: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Color_wheel_theory_of_love

Triangular theory: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangular_theory_of_love

 

My sense is that people that characterize themselves as “romantic” are experiencing limerence, but it’s really up to the person how to interpret their own experiences!

 

As for “romance”, I’d say it’s a set of social constructs... generally associated with “being in love”... but lots of people that experience love in various forms aren’t interested in the stereotypical expressions of it.

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  • 2 weeks later...

If this question should go somewhere else, please let me know.

I am a sexual woman married to a demisexual man.  We had been friends for 15 years before we started dating, so I knew he did not approach sex and attraction like most men I had met.  When we started dating we had a lot of sex; before this he was a virgin and on testosterone for a medical reason.  He stopped taking testosterone about a year into our marriage.  Until this point, I did not realize our sex drives were so very different.  Eight years later, I am truly struggling.  He is an amazing husband.  He loves me and our children fiercely.  I am so incredibly sexually attracted to him, and getting little to no outlet or reciprocation is killing me.  He knows this and is also sad and guilt ridden, but that just freezes us in place.  I would love to hear from someone who has navigated this successfully, or has any perspective that may be helpful.

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@Mrs.Smith Yes this is definitely the right place to come!  I'm relatively new here myself, but it's a supportive community, and I've found it incredibly validating to read the experience of others in these situations. You are not alone.

 

I came to this forum only after opening up my 25-year marriage.  We tried all sorts of therapy and have had to work hard at communication.  You can read my saga, along with the others here, on other threads, but suffice it to say that my frustration and depression finally reached a point where something had to change.  And no matter how much it might have made sense, I just didn't want to leave the marriage because there's so much love there.  Learning about ethical non-monogamy was just what I needed, and my wife has been incredibly understanding and supportive as I've ventured into dating and found a wonderful second partner.  

 

So...  "navigated this successfully"?   I don't know, maybe.  We've come to an arrangement that works, at least for now.  But the decades of being stuck hardly feel like a success.  And there are plenty of challenges in our current arrangement.  At least we've navigated this and survived.

 

 

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Question: I’m Aromantic Asexual, and while my brother and dad are fully supportive, my mom isn’t as open-minded. She’s having trouble getting her head around the idea that I don’t feel romantic or sexual attraction. She doesn’t understand how something so intrinsic to her life is not intrinsic to mine. Trying to explain to her I’m not missing out because there’s nothing there to miss hasn’t done the trick. Anyone have any suggestions on how to get her to understand that I’m not broken, not missing something, and my lack of attraction is not a medical ailment to be cured?

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On 7/12/2020 at 12:20 AM, Mrs.Smith said:

If this question should go somewhere else, please let me know.

I am a sexual woman married to a demisexual man.  We had been friends for 15 years before we started dating, so I knew he did not approach sex and attraction like most men I had met.  When we started dating we had a lot of sex; before this he was a virgin and on testosterone for a medical reason.  He stopped taking testosterone about a year into our marriage.  Until this point, I did not realize our sex drives were so very different.  Eight years later, I am truly struggling.  He is an amazing husband.  He loves me and our children fiercely.  I am so incredibly sexually attracted to him, and getting little to no outlet or reciprocation is killing me.  He knows this and is also sad and guilt ridden, but that just freezes us in place.  I would love to hear from someone who has navigated this successfully, or has any perspective that may be helpful.

Huge sympathies. My issue is the same. I've put sex into the bin now and forever but the downside is a barren bedroom and the loss of what might have been. Love my SO otherwise but it hurts, even after 25 years of celibacy.

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5 hours ago, lilypad16 said:

Question: I’m Aromantic Asexual, and while my brother and dad are fully supportive, my mom isn’t as open-minded. She’s having trouble getting her head around the idea that I don’t feel romantic or sexual attraction. She doesn’t understand how something so intrinsic to her life is not intrinsic to mine. Trying to explain to her I’m not missing out because there’s nothing there to miss hasn’t done the trick. Anyone have any suggestions on how to get her to understand that I’m not broken, not missing something, and my lack of attraction is not a medical ailment to be cured?

☹️

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  • 3 weeks later...

So first of all, I don’t have the same penchant for quiz taking that you do Ceebs. However secondly, if someone has questions for sexuals, why wouldn’t they post them directly in this corner of the AVEN universe? That’s just odd. 
 

Sometimes I cruise through rels, but generally just scan SPFA and move about my life. It’s really perked up lately which sucks that much more time out of my otherwise somewhat boring day. 😂
 

Working from home, totally overrated! Sigh

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11 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

...However secondly, if someone has questions for sexuals, why wouldn’t they post them directly in this corner of the AVEN universe? That’s just odd...

Hi. I've read several, new members mention that because they're new to the forums (which, there are several), they don't know or aren't sure where or which forum would be more appropriate to post their questions; other times, they're only more familiar or know of certain forums that they've started reading, when looking at or joining this site.

 

So, I don't find it that odd; it's very common that not all new members read all of the forums or use the forum's search engine before posting or being more familiar with this site.

 

Also, I guess another reason could be that because this forum is called "For Sexual Partners, Friends, and Allies," that asexuals think that the forum isn't meant for them to post any questions, here; in the subheading, underneath this forum, it says, "Are you a friend, relative or romantic partner of an asexual?...Then this is the forum for you!"

 

So, it doesn't openly indicate that it's okay or acceptable for asexuals to post any questions they might have for sexuals in this forum.

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I’m sure someone has probably answered this before, and I’ve tried to ask before to friends/family but they couldn’t really describe it to me. What does romance feel like? Emotionally? Mentally? What does it entail exactly?

I know it’s like trying to ask someone to describe the word “the” but I really don’t understand romance and was wondering if someone could explain it to me?

At least more than just “it exists”, and “you know”?

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On 7/14/2020 at 9:37 PM, lilypad16 said:

Question: I’m Aromantic Asexual, and while my brother and dad are fully supportive, my mom isn’t as open-minded. She’s having trouble getting her head around the idea that I don’t feel romantic or sexual attraction. She doesn’t understand how something so intrinsic to her life is not intrinsic to mine. Trying to explain to her I’m not missing out because there’s nothing there to miss hasn’t done the trick. Anyone have any suggestions on how to get her to understand that I’m not broken, not missing something, and my lack of attraction is not a medical ailment to be cured?

I usually say something along the lines of: if you had a hobby, is it really so important that your friend/parent/sibling/spouse have that hobby? I don't think so. You're still you, you just have never experienced a need to see that hobby. They may do macrame every day, that doesnt mean you should do macrame. Maybe you prefer crocheting or you know, staring at the wall.

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16 minutes ago, lilypad16 said:

I’m sure someone has probably answered this before, and I’ve tried to ask before to friends/family but they couldn’t really describe it to me. What does romance feel like? Emotionally? Mentally? What does it entail exactly?

I know it’s like trying to ask someone to describe the word “the” but I really don’t understand romance and was wondering if someone could explain it to me?

At least more than just “it exists”, and “you know”?

To me, romance isn't touching/hugging/kissing, it's more like going out on a date. Some general excitement there but not over the top. You might go out to dinner, get them a gift, do small task for them because you like them. Kind of like friends but not quite the same, more in date mode without the touching.

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9 minutes ago, Balance said:

To me, romance isn't touching/hugging/kissing, it's more like going out on a date. Some general excitement there but not over the top. You might go out to dinner, get them a gift, do small task for them because you like them. Kind of like friends but not quite the same, more in date mode without the touching.

That does actually help. I understand the friendship type relationship, and the family type relationship, I’m assuming that romance is kind of a blend of these somewhat?

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anisotrophic

@StrangeDruid I think it’s a bit more like living without love? Which is possible, and I think one can be happy without being loved very deeply by anyone, but there’s a lot of equanimity implied in being happy living without something you would like to have & are capable of & many others have.

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