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The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread


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On 11/18/2019 at 6:08 PM, AceMissBehaving said:

It’s also rude as hell to describe it as the same as sex with a prostitute (not that there’s anything wrong with that done consensually). There is still affection and personal connection there.

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22 hours ago, alibali said:

I'm not saying they would tell you, but if they don't tell you, you wouldn't know. The most you could do was suspect.

 

I'm genuinely curious then. How do sexual people ever have sex if they wait until both want to so their desires are matched?  And does the person who is told no not feel frustrated at that point? Even if they know their partner desires them sometimes? Is there never any element of persuasion or coaxing between two sexual partners?  I just don't believe that in a long term relationship between two sexual partners there is no "charity sex".

Sex when you aren't horny yourself but your partner is when you are attracted to them is different from sex without attraction. You still want them just not in mood that second so a no isn't as big a deal (it isn't the same overall rejection) and a yes without being in the mood tends to still be nice enough. But, yeah mismatched libidos can be severe in two sexuals and couples therapists deal with that issue often. When it gets severe it can become a big issue. 

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AceMissBehaving
4 hours ago, Apostle said:

So one person contradicting my personal opinion makes my statement 100% false? Wow! You should go into politics!

No it makes your statement that “100% of sexual partners agree that charity sex is bad” false, because at least one person disagrees 

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AceMissBehaving
4 hours ago, Apostle said:

I detect a lot of anger in your responses and also a one-mindedness that does not understand a normal sexual. I'll leave it as that for now but I do feel sorry for you. I'm not sure how you can even mention that there is affection and personal connection with a prostitute. Very sad if you believe that. People go to prostitutes for reasons other than finding a soul mate.

I think you miss understood my post. I said it wasn’t like sex with a prostitute because because when an asexual person  has sex with their partner there is closeness, affection there etc. You were the one that said

 

On 11/18/2019 at 4:06 AM, Apostle said:

You may well describe it as prostitute sex without any financial penalty. It's sex for the sake of getting rid of fluids and nothing more than that so meaningless in a loving relationship.

 

20 hours ago, AceMissBehaving said:

 

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From this discussion I see that we need some clarity about personal boundaries that should be understood in couples.

 

If I am asexual:

1. I cannot be touched by anyone, even by my soulmate.

2. I can hug my partner, but everything else repels me.

3. I can give nonsexual massage to partner, it is good feeling to touch my soulmate, It is sensual, but not sexual.

4. I can do massage with touching my soulmate sexually, I enjoy just looking how good it feels for her, I try to understand how my partner feels it.

5. I can go for full sex and I treat the sex as another sensual+sexual massage, it is nice to see how partner is breathing funny.

6. I can enjoy the sex and I can get some orgasms, just I have never felt like horny.

 

If I am sexual:

1. I cannot be touched by him, if he does not desire me.

2. If he does not sexually desire me, I can hug my partner and nothing more.

3. If he does not sexually desire me, I still enjoy closeness with nonsexual massage it is good feeling to touch my soulmate, It is sensual, but not sexual.

4. If he does not sexually desire me, I will enjoy massage with sexually flavor anyway, it just feels good.

5. Even if he is not filled with hormones,  I can enjoy the sexual intercourse because it is very sensual and I am so close with my partner.

6. I know, he have never felt horny, but he still can reach orgasm, it is nice to find the way to do that and try to find pleasure for both of us.

 

I am 6  and my ace wife is between 4 and 5 now :). There was a period when my wife was only 2 :(, It was very difficult.

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  • 1 month later...

Ok, so I figured i'd give my answer (as a lesbian sexual) and have my own question I was hoping someone could answer. 

1. Sexual attraction for me is both mental and physical. There is everything from physical arousal (pupils dilate, breathing quickens, body parts heat up and get erect/wet, etc.). I don't get the physical without the mental though. The mental is the wanting or desire to be physically close to them. Wondering what it would be like to kiss them, or know what they look like with no clothes on. It's the desire to make them feel good and the wanting to know what that experience would be like. How they smell and taste comes into play for me as well, what the reactions they give me when I do certain things and the stimulus it gives me and them. Even a simple hug can have an impact on my perception and desire for someone. It's a sense of closeness that many others do not get to share with that person. The "carnal knowledge" in a way that draws me to someone I am attracted to already (either romantically or physically, as either way can make me want to have sex with them). I have noticed it can also be subtle little things that can kick off this desire, like when hugging someone and they say something in my ear as they hug me, or they sit on my lap and make lazy circles on my back. My wife even makes fun of me because she will be doing dishes or cooking and I feel the need to come up and wrap my arms around her as she's doing it, which can sometimes flare up my own desire for her because she's doing something nice "domestic" like and I find that I become attracted to her and want to touch her, which leads to the physical attraction part of things. I do think this all comes down to individual attraction as what one person gets "turned on" by vs someone else can change and their physical responses tend to be the same but the mental and emotional ones can vary significantly. 

2. The question I have needs a bit of back ground so please bare with me. My wife's sister is A-Sexual (how she identifies), whenever we are around each other she feels the need to do things like; trying to hold my hand, places her foot on mine, has sat on me and kissed the back of my neck, ask if she can kiss my forehead, likes to sit on me in general, winks and makes sexual innuendos and jokes at my expense, and generally does things that someone who is sexual would take as overt flirting. My wife is not bothered by this in the slightest and they both think it's funny because of how awkward it makes me. (Her sister is 20 (the A-Sexual), my wife is 23 and she has another sister who is 26 heterosexual with a boyfriend, and i'm 27). My wife and I are in an open poly relationship which adds to the uncomfortable feeling because the only "rules" we have are no guys (my wife is not fully lesbian but not interested in sex with guys so we just made it to be clear to potential partners) and no friends. I'm not sure how to take this, I know she identifies as A-Sexual (Ace) and that she seems to do it because she thinks it's fun to watch me squirm, but I'm not sure why someone would do those things to someone who's sexual knowing that it can lead to mixed signals, and possible sexual thoughts of them by the sexual person. Is it a maturity thing, or is she having feelings of attraction in her own way and this is how she expresses them. (I'm not joking when I say I would not put it past her and her sisters to "share" someone, when we first started dating her heterosexual sister offered for me to touch her boobs and they were both sitting on me messing with me). Needless to say her family dynamic is a bit strange when it comes to her siblings, which only amplifies this and she knows I find her sister attractive they all are so it makes things even worse for me. I have expressed this to my wife and she still just finds it amusing. Any thoughts or feedback would be greatly appreciated. 

 

Best Regards,

Ariel. 

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@ArielV313

Ugh!!!!! No matter what her orientation, that  behavior sounds inappropriate and disrespectful to you.  I would question her motives for sure!

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Whatever the reason its a violation of your privacy.  It sounds like the motivation is a wind up to me. Being open or poly doesn't mean you want to be intimate with just anyone. 

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@ArielV313 it absolutely sounds like a disrespect of boundaries. I think "might not be ace and isn't understanding herself" is a charitable interpretation; the alternative is just being an A-hole. (My partner once quipped, "being an A-hole isn't on the asexual spectrum".)

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7 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

@ArielV313 it absolutely sounds like a disrespect of boundaries. I think "might not be ace and isn't understanding herself" is a charitable interpretation; the alternative is just being an A-hole. (My partner once quipped, "being an A-hole isn't on the asexual spectrum".)

Yeah this looks a lot like using sexuality as a weapon to bully. Your partner should be trying hard to make you feel safe imo. 

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Thank you all to your replies. I really appreciate  it. I have noticed that last night she left me alone for the most part only making subtle verbal jokes at me. Though she got to the family Christmas late and everyone was winding down anyways. My wife and I had a conversation and she told me that if it really bothers me that I could try and have a conversation with her. Though that almost terrifies me more. No idea how to have that kind of conversation with someone. (Hey, you know when you do those things it confuses me and I do find you attractive but you're my wife's sister and A-sexual so I know nothing will ever come of it, so could you please stop). Seems a bit squirmy to me.  Oh and to some of you who pointed out that that might be her being confused, I noticed that she doesn't do that with the oldest sisters boyfriend, just me. What had been some or your indications that there was some level of attraction for you with a potential partner?

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Your partner needs to talk to her sister, not you. She already knows it upsets you, so saying it outright won't help. Plus, if she thinks she has her sister's support, she won't stop. Your partner is the only one with the power here. She's gotta do it.

 

6 hours ago, CBC said:

Do not say that if you have that conversation. There's no need to tell her that you find her attractive; it benefits neither you nor your wife or her sister in any way.

Um yeah.

 

My guess is that your partner already told her sister that, which may be playing into the whole situation. For future reference, never tell someone you're attracted to their relative. That's not good for anyone. 

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  • 3 weeks later...

I have a question. 

 

What's the best way to tell my BF I don't want to have sex with him? I'm open to doing it in the future when we're closer and I feel more comfortable, and simply as a way to please him, but we've only had 6 dates so far, how do I tell him I'm not ready now, and while I might be ready later, it's not something I actually desire? How do I make sure he knows it's nothing personal against him? 

 

Thank you in advance :) If anyone is open to an in-depth convo about this, please feel free to PM me. 

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You need to just get it out there.  Have the conversation.  The sooner the better so that he understands your boundaries.  

1 hour ago, AllieCat said:

How do I make sure he knows it's nothing personal against him? 

You can't.  You can emphasize the point, and he might say he understands, but at least in my experience, figuring that out as a sexual person takes time and reflection.  We're just wired to associate sexual desire with romantic desire.

 

But the conversations up front are super important, in my opinion.  I hope it goes well for you.  💕

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1 hour ago, AllieCat said:

I have a question. 

 

What's the best way to tell my BF I don't want to have sex with him? I'm open to doing it in the future when we're closer and I feel more comfortable, and simply as a way to please him, but we've only had 6 dates so far, how do I tell him I'm not ready now, and while I might be ready later, it's not something I actually desire? How do I make sure he knows it's nothing personal against him? 

 

Thank you in advance :) If anyone is open to an in-depth convo about this, please feel free to PM me. 

I'd personally compose a letter or email, that's always worked for me in the past when I've had something important to say. It also gives them time to think before they make up their mind about how they want to react. :)

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What do you guys think of this: 

 

Hey BF (id put his name of course), there's something I've been wanting to talk to you about for a while. I've been nervous to do it since I didn't know how you'd react, but I think it's important that I'm honest and upfront with you about this. A couple weeks ago, I discovered the term asexuality. Have you heard of it? It basically means that while romantically you desire to be with someone, sexually, you don't. It doesn't matter who the other person is, and it's not something that can be changed. It means not being interested in having sex, and for some people, repulsion by the idea. I just felt like I'd finally found something that fit me perfectly. I'm not interested in sex. I want to want to have sex, but I don't. I still enjoy kissing and hugging and cuddling, but anything further I'm pretty uncomfortable with and not interested in doing. There's also a version of asexuality called "demisexual" which just means that you don't feel sexual attraction for someone until you know them really well, basically friends first. I'm hoping thats the version I am, but I'm really not sure yet. I know it's a lot to take in. You don't need to reply right away, take some time to think about it, but I thought that I should share this with you before things become too serious so that if you want to end things here, because of this, we can. I would understand if you chose that. But it's not what I want, because I do enjoy hanging out with you and getting to know you. But hopefully this helps explain why I sometimes cut the kissing sessions short, just because it's something that I don't really enjoy doing sometimes. Sometimes I am super into it, sometimes I'm less into it. Sorry that this is confusing, it's confusing for me too. Let me know what you think. 

 

 

What do you guys think???? Is it too long? Too confusing? Could I text that to him????

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You might want to text/email him and say that you're asexual [definition] at the moment and you'd like to get together to discuss it. He probably won't know the terminology so don't get too into the Ace terms with him. The way I think of Ace terms is they're for you to get a grasp of what you want, and then speak in layman's terms to explain to someone else.

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@AllieCat I think it’s great! I’d slightly edit it to say, “a version of sexuality called...”. 
 

I remember trying to date in high school and the guy trying a kiss and it was like wet slugs. 🐌 But it was too fast, too soon, too early for me. Don’t push yourself, and I think this letter does a great job sharing something you’re afraid of — that you might never feel it — and you should be with someone that cares for you & that fear you have.

 

I think it’s good to write it all out, and I think it’s good to use the words along with your explanations of them, because it gives him more information about what you’re worried about.

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16 minutes ago, Balance said:

You might want to text/email him and say that you're asexual [definition] at the moment and you'd like to get together to discuss it. He probably won't know the terminology so don't get too into the Ace terms with him. The way I think of Ace terms is they're for you to get a grasp of what you want, and then speak in layman's terms to explain to someone else.

Thank you! Yes, I'll definitely try to cut down some terms. 

 

13 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

@AllieCat I think it’s great! I’d slightly edit it to say, “a version of sexuality called...”. 
 

I remember trying to date in high school and the guy trying a kiss and it was like wet slugs. 🐌 But it was too fast, too soon, too early for me. Don’t push yourself, and I think this letter does a great job sharing something you’re afraid of — that you might never feel it — and you should be with someone that cares for you & that fear you have.

 

I think it’s good to write it all out, and I think it’s good to use the words along with your explanations of them, because it gives him more information about what you’re worried about.

hahahah wet slugs. So relatable. And yes, good point about the version of sexuality. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

No idea what does and doesn't fly here, but I have a technical question about lesbian sex :D if someone were okay talking about this, my PM box is open.

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On 12/22/2005 at 3:16 AM, mala said:

That's a really good question. I've wondered how feelings of sexual attraction lead to actually wanting to have intercourse. Well, I can honestly that there's been only one person in my life with whom I've wanted to have sex, and it was a strange thing. All I can really say is that I was so in love with her that I wanted to share myself with her completely. I wanted to put an end to any mystery there was and reveal everything. I figured that would be the way to go about that, at least physically. But there were other factors playing into it. I knew that she was a very sexual person and though I wasn't then and don't think I am now, I just wanted to please her. I thought that would be a way to reach her. So, that played into it. I suppose that takes away from the sincerity of it in a sense.

Sorry that I'm not really answering your question. I just felt compelled to comment on it though I'm obviously not remotely the best person to answer it.

NO, that was really good. Thank-you

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 1/30/2020 at 4:39 PM, Homer said:

No idea what does and doesn't fly here, but I have a technical question about lesbian sex :D if someone were okay talking about this, my PM box is open.

Now I'm curious what the question is.. 😛

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12 minutes ago, CBC said:

😂

 

Got any questions?

Sadly, I don’t... Let me Google some!

 

Okay. Scissoring. Sounds really impractical. Is it much of a thing or just a stereotype? I suspect like any position, just depends on the individuals.

 

Ugh. I can’t find anything else that doesn’t seem incredibly obvious to me.

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2 hours ago, Kimchi Peanut said:

Okay. Scissoring. Sounds really impractical. Is it much of a thing or just a stereotype? I suspect like any position, just depends on the individuals.

More often than not the position used is called tribbing.  Scissoring is an offshoot of that.  They both involve genital contact and they both feel great.

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On 2/16/2020 at 3:25 AM, Kimchi Peanut said:

Sadly, I don’t... Let me Google some!

 

Okay. Scissoring. Sounds really impractical. Is it much of a thing or just a stereotype? I suspect like any position, just depends on the individuals.

 

Ugh. I can’t find anything else that doesn’t seem incredibly obvious to me.

I think as a general rule, there are a huge number of sexual things two or more people can do with each other, but individual people often only enjoy a small percentage of them. 

 

I generally think of 3 categories:

1) things I like

2) things I don't know if I'd like

3) things I know I don't like (even if I haven't tried them).

 

No reason not to try the things in category 2 and see with category they belong in. Sometimes things are more fun than you would expect, sometimes less.

 

Obviously for some asexuals, everything is category 3, which is fine. 

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1 hour ago, uhtred said:

I think as a general rule, there are a huge number of sexual things two or more people can do with each other, but individual people often only enjoy a small percentage of them. 

 

I generally think of 3 categories:

1) things I like

2) things I don't know if I'd like

3) things I know I don't like (even if I haven't tried them).

 

No reason not to try the things in category 2 and see with category they belong in. Sometimes things are more fun than you would expect, sometimes less.

 

Obviously for some asexuals, everything is category 3, which is fine. 

 

I like this system. I think it basically applies to everyone. Most people have things in each category. Some might be entirely category 2 and/or 3.

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