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The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread


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On 10/30/2019 at 3:44 AM, Anthracite_Impreza said:

From an asexual, is there anything in his life that he needs to feel fulfilled and happy in life, that isn't technically a need to stay alive? A hobby or a career perhaps? Equate that to your need for sex.

 

Honestly the only way I can fathom a need for sex is by equating it to my need for driving. I absolutely need to drive or I get completely fucking miserable and lose an entire chunk of my soul; apparently that's what missing sex is like for sexuals.

 

Hi, here is my example. My wife is really smart basically for her it was enough to really think about the Maslow's pyramide and ask questions to several other sexual friends. Basically, most people have the significant SEX in their life, so lack of it will crack all your personal integrity.

 

From the bottom:

  • Lack of sex can affect
  • security of body, morality, health
  • unbalance your family life, and of course, need for intimacy
  • that cracks self esteem confidence, respect of your partner, respect by your partner
  • that affects all the cognitive abilities

1*nLgV-S8xLuA3ZxmMpiaX2Q.png

 

In the terms of building, if you remove the part of the foundation, you unbalance the house, you have cracks everywhere. With a therapy, lots of talking, lots of understanding you can glue some parts of your building together, but it will be still unbalanced structure with some glue.

 

Think about, there are studies that show how judges gives stronger punishments if they are hungry. Can you imagine how their cognitive abilities changes if they undergo such issues that we discuss here?



staple-installation-complete.jpg

 

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3 hours ago, Apostle said:

Asexuals do not have the DNA capable of understanding why sex is an important part of their or their partner's life balance.

This is a broad statement that I don't think anyone should be making, it's a stereotype of asexuality that @SusannaC observed is demonstrably untrue – there are many asexual folks on this site that clearly do care about and worry about the effect on sexual partners.

 

 

@Mike39 I think it's more in the green/purple level rather than the bottom part of the pyramid, but my partner did become a lot more understanding when he reassessed how typical his experience was!

Maybe it's fair to observe that it is in some ways physiological… but I think that can also have a trivializing effect. It's enduring part of who we are (one need only look to how much struggle gay folks experience), I think it's reasonable that having it misunderstood (e.g. being made to feel shame for it) hurts our self esteem & sense of being loved. (And I think the same is true for asexuality as well.)

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AceMissBehaving
3 hours ago, Apostle said:

@Mike39All very descriptive but from an asexuals point of view, totally irrelevant unless they have a sexual partner which can then affect their behaviour.

 

Asexuals do not have the DNA capable of understanding why sex is an important part of their or their partner's life balance.

 

A description between the two different beings is that a sexuals' cake is made with self raising flour and an asexuals' cake is made with plain flour.

I’m capable of understanding it, I lack desire for sex with another person not empathy.

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On 11/5/2019 at 2:03 PM, anisotrophic said:

This is a broad statement that I don't think anyone should be making, it's a stereotype of asexuality that @SusannaC observed is demonstrably untrue – there are many asexual folks on this site that clearly do care about and worry about the effect on sexual partners.

x

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Anthracite_Impreza

I have to equate it to things I feel myself to understand. I feel empathy, sometimes too much, but probably because I'm autistic I struggle to see things from others' point of view directly. There's a big difference between understanding intuitively and academically.

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AceMissBehaving
12 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Perhaps you can explain that to my SO then? 

I expect that some do and some don't.

You’re on a forum with thousands of different asexual people, it might be worth looking at that larger sampling than a sampling of one.

 

I don’t know the particulars of your relationship, but asexuality is only one data point, it’s not the entire picture of whatever struggles the two of you might face.

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I can intellectually understand that it is life defining and I can empathise with life defining.  Unfortunately I will never know what it feels like to desire sex but be prevented from it just as others who have not experienced my life defining experiences will not know what those feel like. 

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On 11/5/2019 at 2:59 PM, AceMissBehaving said:

 

I don’t know the particulars of your relationship, but asexuality is only one data point, it’s not the entire picture of whatever struggles the two of you might face.

x

 

On 11/5/2019 at 4:23 PM, SusannaC said:

@Apostle, it sounds as though your partner has no empathy for your sense of loss and disappointment.   I know that sucks.

x

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@anisotrophic, thank you for the answer. I think all versions and variations of understanding should be discussed if the couple is truly close.

 

In case of the recent discussion of @Apostle and others. If the empathy is doubtful then the "truly closeness" does not exist and the situation has no positive solution.

 

Someone in this forum wrote an example that I like. Consider these countries where you will be killed if you are gay. Even there gay people seek for intimacy knowing that probably they will be killed someday. Intimacy for many many people It is that important. What about empathy for them? Or even this can be blocked?

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On 10/27/2007 at 2:33 PM, Hallucigenia said:

No, that's not sexual attraction. Sexual attraction is when you actually like the idea of having sex with them. (That's an oversimplification - it's possible to like the idea for non-attractional reasons, but you should get the idea.)

I think what you're describing has more to do with comfort and the willingness to take risks and be vulnerable. If you have a high comfort level being physical with someone, you're going to have less of an aversion to sex with them, but "not averse" isn't the same as "attracted".

Oh. 

Thus far that has happened once. Maybe twice. And I am definitely not sexually attracted to the guy I currently have romantic feelings for. It would be more like, I'll suffer through it to make him like me or to make him happy. 

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On 11/12/2019 at 7:46 PM, NicoleHolmes said:

Oh. 

Thus far that has happened once. Maybe twice. And I am definitely not sexually attracted to the guy I currently have romantic feelings for. It would be more like, I'll suffer through it to make him like me or to make him happy. 

x

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15 hours ago, NicoleHolmes said:

Oh. 

Thus far that has happened once. Maybe twice. And I am definitely not sexually attracted to the guy I currently have romantic feelings for. It would be more like, I'll suffer through it to make him like me or to make him happy. 

Someone "suffering through" sex doesn't make a lot of sexuals happy. Make sure you're both on same page with that being OK. 

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3 hours ago, Apostle said:

@NicoleHolmes what you are describing are definite signs of asexuality or of aromanticism or both. Does he know that you are?

I just told him yesterday that I'm a gray asexual, and gave a brief explanation of what that means. Then I told him to ask me, if he has any questions. 

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On 11/13/2019 at 1:15 PM, NicoleHolmes said:

I just told him yesterday that I'm a gray asexual, and gave a brief explanation of what that means. Then I told him to ask me, if he has any questions. 

x

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Agreed, people have sex for all sorts of reasons...including sexuals.  A one night stand or sex with someone else in an open relationship is unlikely to mean the same as sex in a loving relationship. It is more likely that an asexual in a loving relationship is going to enjoy sex and for it to be loving which has its own meaning and is not with the intention of giving charity but as part of a loving and intimate relationship. Apart from anything else sex even for an asexual is what makes the difference between that relationship and friendships.  Nobody else gets as close.  Nobody feels the same as someone else. Equating it to charity in every relationship is very demeaning towards asexuals.  It makes me think we are viewed as having no feelings or are unable to form a relationship.

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1 hour ago, cbc said:

I am someone who wouldn't want what you term "charity sex" from an asexual partner because it would be lacking in basically all the components that make sex within a loving relationship what it is to me, however other people/couples may feel differently.

🙋‍♂️ charity sex is awesome 💕

 

With the T, now I'm so proud of myself for not requesting every single day. Go me. 😅 I don't mind that my partner laughs at it, I'm happy to be a running joke -- as long as he's not hurt or stressed. 🙂

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16 hours ago, Apostle said:

That's good you are talking about it. My SO hasn't and it does create a barrier.

Whatever you do don't offer him charity sex if it should progress that far as that would be demeaning to both of you.

What if it's not charity sex persay (because I know he could easily get it elsewhere if he wants to) but it's more like, I enjoy pleasing him and watching him react, even if I don't enjoy actual piv? I also want that level of closeness with him. Do you think sex with someone brings a different type or level of closeness? 

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14 hours ago, cbc said:

I'm really glad it works for you guys. 😁 I've absolutely no idea why anyone would think there's a one-size-fits-all way of navigating an ace/sexual pairing -- or any type of relationship for that matter.

I guess he and I will just have to continue discussing it and figure out what type of relationship works for us or if we want to stay quasi platonic friends. There are other issues of compatibility to consider as well, besides our sexualities. There's also religious and lifestyle differences. 

But hey, from the way we've talked and interacted, at least I know that he loves and respects me, and I him, whether we work as a couple or not. He came and stayed the night at my house, and I wondered if he would try something, because he's so sexual. I told him I didn't want to go there, and he said he understood. We curled up on the couch and watched our favorite show and snuggled all night (I absolutely love being held). He didn't even try to kiss me until the morning. I was more than fine with kissing lol. It made me feel very loved because he just valued my company. 

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On 11/14/2019 at 12:35 PM, CBC said:

I think you've gotta let people navigate their own relationships rather than telling them definitely do or do not do X. I am someone who wouldn't want what you term "charity sex" from an asexual partner because it would be lacking in basically all the components that make sex within a loving relationship what it is to me, however other people/couples may feel differently. You can share your feelings on "charity sex" without telling others what they should do.

x.

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6 minutes ago, Apostle said:

After discussing this topic with other sexuals, both male and female, 100% agreed that it was unhealthy to take or offer 'charity' sex. You may well describe it as prostitute sex without any financial penalty. It's sex for the sake of getting rid of fluids and nothing more than that so meaningless in a loving relationship.

 

Anyway, the topic should be covering sex between sexuals and asexuals so it will almost never work and should be discouraged. Better to find a like minded partner.

You only know it is "charity sex" if you are told that explicitly. Otherwise you have no idea what the motivation is. 

 

In addition the likelihood of both sexual partners wanting to have sex at the same time is questionable, so it is therefore likely that one person's drive is higher than the others at any one point.  And then surely that can also be "charity sex" if one person isn't that bothered at that moment but goes along with it.

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On 11/18/2019 at 10:10 AM, CBC said:

Why are you disregarding the experiences of other people in this thread and on this forum?

x

 

On 11/18/2019 at 10:18 AM, alibali said:

You only know it is "charity sex" if you are told that explicitly. Otherwise you have no idea what the motivation is

x

 

On 11/18/2019 at 10:18 AM, alibali said:

 

In addition the likelihood of both sexual partners wanting to have sex at the same time is questionable

x

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1 hour ago, Apostle said:

I don't see myself as disregarding their experiences, all I'm stating is that a loving relationship from MY experience is better served when 'charity' or 'gift' sex is not involved. I feel that it is an insult to the recipient - just my personal experience, that's all. If two people want to have a quick bonk with no personal attachment then that's their business.

 

I'm not sure what you mean? Why would anyone tell you that they are going to participate in 'charity' sex?

 

Do you really believe that! Wouldn't the 'reluctant' partner tell his/her lover that they would rather not? Why would a reluctant partner go along with having sex if they don't want to? Can they not speak? Your statement truly baffles me, I have to say.

I'm not saying they would tell you, but if they don't tell you, you wouldn't know. The most you could do was suspect.

 

I'm genuinely curious then. How do sexual people ever have sex if they wait until both want to so their desires are matched?  And does the person who is told no not feel frustrated at that point? Even if they know their partner desires them sometimes? Is there never any element of persuasion or coaxing between two sexual partners?  I just don't believe that in a long term relationship between two sexual partners there is no "charity sex".

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On 11/18/2019 at 12:24 PM, alibali said:

I'm not saying they would tell you, but if they don't tell you, you wouldn't know. The most you could do was suspect.

 

I'm genuinely curious then. How do sexual people ever have sex if they wait until both want to so their desires are matched?  And does the person who is told no not feel frustrated at that point? Even if they know their partner desires them sometimes? Is there never any element of persuasion or coaxing between two sexual partners?  I just don't believe that in a long term relationship between two sexual partners there is no "charity sex".

x

 

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I am quite amused by the suggestion that I may be chromosomely or developmentally challenged.

 

Not that I really care. I am happy with the comfortable relationships I have with my male friends, (and I have "come out" to my close friends) because I am not threatening to them or to their partners, and they can be open with me about sex and their partners as a result.

 

I feel quite privileged as a solo asexual so I don't take offence at missing a few ingredients.

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AceMissBehaving
8 hours ago, Apostle said:

After discussing this topic with other sexuals, both male and female, 100% agreed that it was unhealthy to take or offer 'charity' sex. You may well describe it as prostitute sex without any financial penalty. It's sex for the sake of getting rid of fluids and nothing more than that so meaningless in a loving relationship.

 

Anyway, the topic should be covering sex between sexuals and asexuals so it will almost never work and should be discouraged. Better to find a like minded partner.

I mean we have someone in this very thread contradicting this statement, so right off the bat your 100% is false.

 

It’s also rude as hell to describe it as the same as sex with a prostitute (not that there’s anything wrong with that done consensually). There is still affection and personal connection there.

 

I am sorry your relationship is so unhappy, but I do wish you would stop painting your experience as being universal when it isn’t. As has been shown time and time again. Your insistence that it is, is honestly hurtful and insulting to many asexuals, and also to any sexual partners who are happy in their mixed relationships. 

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Alas! I stand corrected! My soul is poisoned! I’m an amoral monster. The Caliban! A twisted, wretched thing, forcing their partner to do such terrible chores — what next, will I ask him to do laundry or dishes?
 

Who wants someone that’s merely willing? Me. I don’t know that I’ll ever have someone that “wants” me, this is the hand that life dealt. I’ll take what I can get. It’s not like I have a lot of great choices, there’s pain in every direction. I’ll embrace my descent into villainy, and you can envy me my “free” “prostitute”.

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Anthracite_Impreza

I mean, I'm not sexual, but as an objectum romantic in a relationship with a car, I know how it feels to have people insist whatever you do in your relationship it is always one-sided and unhealthy. Haven't we realised by now there is no one size fits all solution to these things, and that those in the relationship know what works for them better than those outside?

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