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The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread


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2 hours ago, CBC said:

The dogs and sex thing made think of something. My dog has never seen or heard me have sex. My husband and I got him in the autumn of 2012 and the last time we had sex was that spring. I don't know how he feels about body fluids, but I'd be a bit worried to have him around during sex for other reasons. He reeeeeally cannot stand people being near each other. I assume he must've witnessed something before we adopted him? Dunno really. (He was five years old at the time. A woman had posted him Kijiji, which is basically like Craigslist, and she was going through a divorce at the time.) But yeah, like... he always protects everyone from everyone else. Even animals. He didn't like us hugging, he'd growl when I'd try to approach the fish tank, didn't like my mother coming near me (or vice versa) when she visited, etc. He gets really mad when people actually touch each other. I would be legitimately afraid that he would attack if he saw people having sex.

The one my ex and I had was a puppy and would wimper and whine when we had sex. I forgot about until now. 

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1 hour ago, skullery said:

You wash clothes after a single wear?? 

 

I do not. ^_^

Uhm... I work in a school taking care of young kids with very severe disabilities. I am lucky if I come home with just chalk, paint or food on my clothes. On bad days, I am asking people at work to check my hair for poop so I know if I need to try to wash it in the sink at work or not. Rewearing clothes is not really an option, well, not for people who have any sense of hygiene anyway. 

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I wear jeans, hoodies, bras, and sweatpants multiple times before washing them. Everything else gets worn once before washing. I typically do laundry every day.

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5 minutes ago, Kimchi Peanut said:

I typically do laundry every day.

Every day??? How big are the loads? 

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24 minutes ago, Snao van der Cone said:

Every day??? How big are the loads? 

Depends! I wash towels after one use and wash my scrubs every day after work.

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I wash underwear (just bottoms, not bras) and socks after one use but other stuff only when dirty.  I wash towels, placemats, and clothes that get dirty that fast once a week, unless I need something emergently...

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Honestly, this entire conversation is enlightening. I can’t even imagine having the time to do laundry daily. 🤷🏻‍♀️  

 

Contextually though, this is from someone that has zero clue how to turn on the washer/dryer, doesn’t want to be clued in to that particular task and hasn’t done laundry in over 2 decades. Laundry, it’s just not on my radar. 😬

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Alas, I am the one who has always done all laundry... from as soon as I was old enough to operate the machines, whether it was in-the-dwelling or at a laundromat.

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Hmm, I had to do laundry in college which was always a chore I loathed, and there were some places while living abroad (all of my panties were stolen in Japan which pissed me off greatly), where I was tasked with laundry, but I generally found it an unproductive time suck.  If I had to do it, I suppose I would. Clean clothes can’t be overrated, and the smell of freshly laundered clothing is lovely. I’m particularly fond of the smell of Tide. Go figure. 

 

My husband does a load once in awhile for the kids if they need something specific and the person that does our laundry can’t.

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My mother had RA, which made stairs and lifting difficult, so I was volunteered to do the household laundry as soon as I could reach the controls.

 

I remember friends saving up their laundry in college to take home on break.  I thought that was insane - why would I want to do a whole semester’s worth in the home machine (v. the laundromat, where I could do all my loads at once) on vacation??  I didn’t initially realize their *parents* were doing it.

 

As an adult, I’ve never found myself in a life situation where someone outside the household could/would do my laundry.  On the rare occasion I’ve lived with a roommate who was not a partner, we each did our own (and the same for partners I didn’t live with), but when a partner and I lived together I always ended up with laundry duty.

 

I’m allergic to a lot of detergents and scents so laundry in my house is relatively un-fragrant.

 

This is probably way more than anyone here cares about my laundry!  XD

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I have enough clothes and underwear for about 2.5-3 weeks, but I do laundry every week and towels and various cloths every week. Sheets etc....well I'm single and asexual so less frequently than the other things

...lolol.

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  • 2 weeks later...
4 hours ago, untr_ace_able said:

Oh how this thread has evolved

You can't spell "perfectly frivolous" without "off topic"

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4 hours ago, untr_ace_able said:

Oh how this thread has evolved

I

 

5 minutes ago, Snao van der Cone said:

You can't spell "perfectly frivolous" without "off topic"

As a new-ish person I have say I have questions on this topic but the off topic thread makes me feel unsafe in asking my questions. I just keep hoping it gets back on topic.

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rainbowocollie

Allosexuals--before you had sex, how did you know you were allosexual?

 

Asexuals--how did you find out you were asexual? Did you find out before having sex, if you have at all, or did you "try it" before knowing?

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I thought I was heterosexual cause default. Traditional hetero relationships didnt work though. So, I thought I was ace. Then I got involved with someone here and not ace. 

 

Had sex roughly 3000 times before I found out I dont hate all sex, just traditional sex and it takes a special mix to trigger attraction in me. Was 30 years old before I figured out I am.. something sexual. The pan/hetero/bi whatever bit is still confusing me. 

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9 hours ago, questdrivencollie said:

Allosexuals--before you had sex, how did you know you were allosexual?

 

Asexuals--how did you find out you were asexual? Did you find out before having sex, if you have at all, or did you "try it" before knowing?

I knew I was sexual before I was in any relationship - but it wasn't something I thought about.  Women were attractive to me in a sort of natural unthinking way.  There was no real distinction in my mind between general attactiveness and sexual attactiveness - they all just blended together. 

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 10/8/2019 at 6:03 AM, questdrivencollie said:

Allosexuals--before you had sex, how did you know you were allosexual?

I didn’t! I actually thought I was asexual until my first real relationship in my 20s. Until then, I had no desire to have sexual experiences. But when I had a serious partner, I did. So now I identify as sexual.

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  • 2 weeks later...
PeanutButterCookieMonster

Hi, I need some advice.
 

My boyfriend came to terms with being gray sexual the other day. And I’m 100% ok with that. I support him and love him just the same. It hasn’t changed how I feel about him or anything.
But I am sexual and my drive is on the high end. I refuse to pressure him, because that’s not ok. But I still need sexual attention. It’s a base need for me. I’ve been patient for 2 years while he figured it out. But now that he has we need a way to move forward and both have our needs met. The proposed solution is that I back off him sexually, I take care of myself, but in order to blow off steam I text this other guy. Text only. I have no desire to get physical. I don’t want to date him. And then whenever the mood strikes my boyfriend we have sex. 
 

But I’m still not wild on that idea. I only really want him. But I can’t pressure him. And if this is who he is I don’t want to try and change him. 
 

Does anyone have thoughts? Or ideas on other solutions? 
 

Please be kind. I’m doing my best. Thanks everyone. 

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Welcome to AVEN, @PeanutButterCookieMonster! (and I love peanut butter cookies!) Here is the traditional welcoming slice of cake – :cake: – or perhaps a cookie. 🍪

 

It's a tough thing to negotiate, and can be very painful! When I realized my partner had been going along with sex but was stressed by it – that it was a chore for him – it was really upsetting, and I backed way off. I did try taking care of myself, and still do, but it's not a full replacement... I tried briefly connecting to others, chat, but it was weird, not the same. I came to recognize that, like many sexuals, my romantic feelings are very intertwined with my sexuality. But that it wasn't that way for him.

 

From that came some productive changes (and they took a long time to work through, many months). We focused on communicating love in ways the other person experiences as being loved. So when we are sexually intimate, I check in a ton and thank him – to make it a positive thing for him – and he's learned how important it is to me emotionally. I also don't want him to ever feel like he has to have sex; sometimes I try to avoid it entirely, and the relationship is technically open. And we focused a *lot* on communicating love in other ways.

So... my thoughts are to focus on love, and understanding what sex with him means to you, and what it feels like for him, and being conscious of wanting each other to feel loved for who they are, including their sexualities (or lack thereof!).

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PeanutButterCookieMonster
50 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

Welcome to AVEN, @PeanutButterCookieMonster! (and I love peanut butter cookies!) Here is the traditional welcoming slice of cake – :cake: – or perhaps a cookie. 🍪

 

It's a tough thing to negotiate, and can be very painful! When I realized my partner had been going along with sex but was stressed by it – that it was a chore for him – it was really upsetting, and I backed way off. I did try taking care of myself, and still do, but it's not a full replacement... I tried briefly connecting to others, chat, but it was weird, not the same. I came to recognize that, like many sexuals, my romantic feelings are very intertwined with my sexuality. But that it wasn't that way for him.

 

From that came some productive changes (and they took a long time to work through, many months). We focused on communicating love in ways the other person experiences as being loved. So when we are sexually intimate, I check in a ton and thank him – to make it a positive thing for him – and he's learned how important it is to me emotionally. I also don't want him to ever feel like he has to have sex; sometimes I try to avoid it entirely, and the relationship is technically open. And we focused a *lot* on communicating love in other ways.

So... my thoughts are to focus on love, and understanding what sex with him means to you, and what it feels like for him, and being conscious of wanting each other to feel loved for who they are, including their sexualities (or lack thereof!).

Thank you. I definitely have a lot of soul searching to do about why sex is so important to me. It definitely has to do with my romantic feelings for him. That's a huge chunk of it. But I am already getting and giving love in the ways that fit him. And I love them. I love writing letters to each other. I love snuggling. I love cooking together. But sex is also just a basic need for me. I've been a sexual person for as long as I can remember. And I don't want to have to deny that part of myself. But I cannot and will not pressure him into sex. I just won't. He's welcome to come to me for sex whenever he wants it, and I try to make it enjoyable for him. But I still need sexual attention on some level on a regular basis. I think part of it is the message I was raised on about my worth being tied to my sexual desirability. 

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PeanutButterCookieMonster

To my fellow sexuals, 

 

How did you explain your need for sex to your asexual partner? I've tried explaining it every way I know how and he just doesn't get it. He doesn't understand why I need it. And it's not just about the romantic feelings although they are a big part of it. Another big part of it is the basic physiological drive I have. It's like sleeping and eating for me. But he doesn't see it as a need. He wants me to just ignore it because he doesn't feel the need. 

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Anthracite_Impreza
6 hours ago, PeanutButterCookieMonster said:

To my fellow sexuals, 

 

How did you explain your need for sex to your asexual partner? I've tried explaining it every way I know how and he just doesn't get it. He doesn't understand why I need it. And it's not just about the romantic feelings although they are a big part of it. Another big part of it is the basic physiological drive I have. It's like sleeping and eating for me. But he doesn't see it as a need. He wants me to just ignore it because he doesn't feel the need. 

From an asexual, is there anything in his life that he needs to feel fulfilled and happy in life, that isn't technically a need to stay alive? A hobby or a career perhaps? Equate that to your need for sex.

 

Honestly the only way I can fathom a need for sex is by equating it to my need for driving. I absolutely need to drive or I get completely fucking miserable and lose an entire chunk of my soul; apparently that's what missing sex is like for sexuals.

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On 10/30/2019 at 1:44 AM, Anthracite_Impreza said:

I get completely fucking miserable and lose an entire chunk of my soul; apparently that's what missing sex is like for sexuals.

x

 

 

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5 hours ago, Apostle said:

There are three solutions to Peanuts quandary: to accept no sex (some people on this post mention 'gift' sex or 'charity' sex which is completely unacceptable to any right minded sexual), finding another partner, in or out of the relationship or just leave your partner for a better and less stressful relationship.

Two responses to this.

One: I could laugh and say "gosh I suppose many of us sexual partners must be wrong-minded!" but it's really not that funny. Accepting a gift or charity means setting aside various reasons for repulsion – feeling vulnerable, feeling offended, etc. There have been times I struggled and pushed myself through those feelings, and I don't think I'm wrong-minded to have done that. You don't think that's for you? That's fine. But there are many sexual partners that do choose to seek and accept sexual intimacy with a partner that doesn't desire them, and I don't think that should be derided.

Second: the options here aren't necessarily exclusive, it's possible to have some sexual intimacy and also have permission to sleep with others. In my personal experience, this can reduce pressure on both partners.

@PeanutButterCookieMonster I think a couple things came together for my partner to be understanding of what sexuality meant for me. One was him reflecting on how much people risk to be in gay relationships, in places where homosexuality can have severe negative consequences when known/discovered – and that this was largely because of the human desire for sexual intimacy, despite the dangers. (Therefore: it really must be that important to a lot of people.) Another was observing me; he saw an LGBTQIA+ therapist who prompted him to observe my mood in response to sex & unbeknownst to me at the time, he observed that it made me happier. (Later he told me, and I realized it was true – and even after that, when self-aware, it still had that effect on me.)

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On 10/30/2019 at 4:57 PM, anisotrophic said:

But there are many sexual partners that do choose to seek and accept sexual intimacy with a partner that doesn't desire them, and I don't think that should be derided.

x

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@Apostle, I had this discussion some time ago about that gift in the merriage.

 

Some people look to the desire sensitive and refuse to do or accept anything that is not under this condition. But think about, even for sexual partners desire can fluctuate.

 

There is another option. For example:

No one desires the massage, but it is just nice to do it for your partner? True?

Some partners are quite alright to do the massage with "happy ending", just like that, without some specific desire, just for fun.

Some partners are ok with having sex to you just to see how funny you are breathing and how charming you are during orgasm, just for fun.

 

I mean, if the "gift" sex is not considered by both partners as something so mentally demanding thing, if is seen like playful massage where nobody is hurt, why not to enjoy that?

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@Apostle , I don’t understand why you would be “devastated” if your wife offered sex to you.  I know you say this hypothetically but why be offended, or hurt, by an offer of sex ?   
We both know by now that sexual intimacy isn’t needed by an asexual person for a romantic loving fulfilling relationship- for them..  Have you considered if she offered sex, maybe she was trying to recognize the importance of this act to you....seems like lots of asexuals on AVEN have sex with their partners because they recognize it’s important to their partners.   Do you have  a loving relationship in other ways with your wife?  Do you perform little acts or assistance while living together  out of respect and affection for your partner?

I am not saying you SHOULD have sex with your wife.  I would not want sex with my husband, not that he’d ever offer.  I can’t desire sex without mutual desire....but I wouldn’t necessarily believe his offer, if it occurred,  was done to “disrespect “ me.. so why do you believe the worst  about her motivations?

Perhaps she’s not YOUR “soulmate” because your marriage has been incomplete and unfulfilling for YOU.  However if you have a good working relationship and she has affection for you- maybe she views you as HER soulmate. Have you ever asked her?  After all, her requirements for life with her mate differ at least sexually, from yours. 

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On 11/4/2019 at 3:59 PM, SusannaC said:

I don’t understand why you would be “devastated” if your wife offered sex to you.  I know you say this hypothetically but why be offended, or hurt, by an offer of sex ?

x

 

On 11/4/2019 at 3:59 PM, SusannaC said:

Have you considered if she offered sex, maybe she was trying to recognize the importance of this act to you

x

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