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The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread


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AceMissBehaving
40 minutes ago, Apostle said:

I still occasionally have those fantasies today, a long time since my puberty. However, they are not now just sexually motivated....more a rounded and matured version like it's not just physical attractiveness but I am attuned to their laugh, facial expressions, interests and intelligence etc. This is watching someone on film or on tv mainly of course but I have met a couple of celebrities face to face as well.

I think it’s something that stays with people. 

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Huh. Well I'm glad I asked then! I was assuming something much more prosaic. Thanks everyone. 

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On 7/13/2019 at 4:58 AM, MCLoves said:

@disGraceful What I mean to ask is basically: Is a relationship without sex a sort of “deal breaker” for the average sexual person?


hehe...
if you'd asked me that in ANY relationship before this one, I'd've said yes.
But then again, I've never had a sexless relationship before, either.

 

It's difficult, battling the need/want for the intimacy etc of sex with knowing that this is, without a doubt, the best and healthiest relationship I've ever been in, and my lifemate is such an amazing person that to leave Them just because They don't want to have sex seems (to me) ridiculous.

 

I guess They're the exception?

 

but as a disclaimer, the dry spell is wearing on me more as time goes on, and there may come a time when it does become a deal-breaker, and I have to pack my bags and leave.

 

 

 

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Green and Purple Dragon

I have an odd question.  Usually, when I have a squish on someone, Squish is like a platonic friendship version of a crush, and I find them to be a rude person, I lose any desire to be friends with them.  However, I’ve noticed that people with crushes often become blind to how rude their crushes could be, or they continue to want them even after they’ve been rejected several times.  Do you seem to notice this pattern with yourself?  How come crushes don’t seem to go away like squishes do?  I’m sorry if this question came off as rude, I have a bad tendency to accidentally ask offensive questions.  

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CatsandDogs
On 7/23/2019 at 7:18 PM, TimeDelay said:

The reason I am 'here' in this forum is because I'm married to an asexual. I have no experience of being a sexual person in a sexually/emotionally/psychologically satisfying relationship. Therefore I don't know how often I would think about sex under those conditions. As a sexual person being deprived of such a relationship for many many years I can say that due to the scarcity effect I think about sex/intimacy/affection pretty constantly on the bad days. There is nothing nice about it. I'm not sure uncomfortable would describe my experience either; deeply painful is more accurate.

I just discovered this website and your response really resonated with me. Yesterday my boyfriend of 2+ years finally told me he is asexual. Of course I knew something was different because we have never had sex and he has no interest in it. I believe he is struggling very deeply with his inability to be sexually attracted to me or anyone else. I am very curious about your situation because you said you are sexual but married to an asexual. I would describe myself as someone who has been very sexual in past relationships. Sex was the main component of my attraction to men I dated and something we did daily. I have had some experiences that were better than others so I learned as a woman how important it was to speak up and express your desires to your partner. So I would say that I have had largely very satisfying and fulfilling sexual relationships. But when I met my current boyfriend he was different because it wasn’t just about sex and I realized there was a level of commitment that had been missing in my past relationships. For the past two years he led me on or made excuses for why sex wasn’t happening between us and tired of being hurt and rejected constantly I stopped trying. I would say despite this we have been very happy but every now and again I question his love for me and I feel like my self esteem has suffered. Two nights ago I was feeling very unhappy and told him how I felt. All I wanted was for him to be close to me in bed but he wouldn’t. We sleep on the edges of the bed because if I accidentally touch him in my sleep he gets upset so I try to stay far away unless he invites me closer (which he seldom does). The next morning we had a very intense but productive conversation where he finally told me that he has never felt sexually attracted to anyone and has no interest in sex or sexual acts. I do not think he has ever considered that he is asexual. I think he thinks there is something wrong with him and that he is a failure because he has these feelings. I love him and have tried to reassure him and support him. I have never tried to force any sexual act on him and have always said I don’t want him to try anything he is uncomfortable with. Anyway, my question for you is how did you and your wife make the decision to get married? Did you know about her asexuality before you got married and if not how did you move past the feelings of hurt, betrayal and failure that maybe you or your wife felt. My boyfriend feels these very strongly and told me how regretful he is for having wasted my time, but I don’t feel like it has been a waste. I don’t know if we can continue to be together in this way but I know I love him and want him to always be in my life even if nothing more than friendship is possible between us. What advice do you (or anyone else here) have for me? It is greatly appreciate. 

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CatsandDogs
On 7/25/2019 at 9:59 PM, Kyriee said:


hehe...
if you'd asked me that in ANY relationship before this one, I'd've said yes.
But then again, I've never had a sexless relationship before, either.

 

It's difficult, battling the need/want for the intimacy etc of sex with knowing that this is, without a doubt, the best and healthiest relationship I've ever been in, and my lifemate is such an amazing person that to leave Them just because They don't want to have sex seems (to me) ridiculous.

 

I guess They're the exception?

 

but as a disclaimer, the dry spell is wearing on me more as time goes on, and there may come a time when it does become a deal-breaker, and I have to pack my bags and leave.

 

 

 

Yes, this is how I feel...my boyfriend is one of the best people I’ve ever known and our relationship is so good in so many ways...except sexually. My close friends who know about our situation don’t understand how I could be with someone for so long and never have had sex with him but I point out that some of them don’t enjoy having sex with their husbands and are in a similar situation. My problem is that I enjoy sex and want to share that experience with my boyfriend and I cannot. It’s not the physical aspects that I miss as much as the way you connect with your partner. To me I feel that our connection suffers because of the lack of intimacy and security we would have if we could have sex. That’s what might be the dealbreaker aspect of this for me because I struggle with my desire for him and a closer connection between us that I don’t know how to fulfill (he is asexual).

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Grumpy Alien
On 7/23/2019 at 6:53 PM, Fighting_For_Us said:

Maybe this is a bit personal, but hey that's what we're here for right? :)

 

My question is Do you guys [sexuals] think about sex daily/regularly? And if so, is it nice or uncomfortable?

 

Thanks!

Personally? I would say every other day for me and usually fleeting while I’m at home so neither nice nor uncomfortable. That’s when I’m not in the same country as my partner. When I am, probably most days and again, often fleeting but more nice because something can happen of it.

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18 hours ago, CatsandDogs said:

 I believe he is struggling very deeply with his inability to be sexually attracted to me or anyone else.

 

For the past two years he led me on or made excuses for why sex wasn’t happening between us and tired of being hurt and rejected constantly I stopped trying.

 

I would say despite this we have been very happy but every now and again I question his love for me and I feel like my self esteem has suffered.

 

Two nights ago I was feeling very unhappy and told him how I felt. All I wanted was for him to be close to me in bed but he wouldn’t.

 

We sleep on the edges of the bed because if I accidentally touch him in my sleep he gets upset

 

so I try to stay far away unless he invites me closer (which he seldom does). 

 

I love him and have tried to reassure him and support him. I have never tried to force any sexual act on him and have always said I don’t want him to try anything he is uncomfortable with.

 

 the feelings of hurt, betrayal and failure that maybe you or your wife felt. My boyfriend feels these very strongly and told me how regretful he is for having wasted my time, but I don’t feel like it has been a waste.

 

I don’t know if we can continue to be together in this way but I know I love him and want him to always be in my life even if nothing more than friendship is possible between us. What advice do you (or anyone else here) have for me? It is greatly appreciate. 

 

I'm sorry, I didn't see your post until today but I think I noticed you have now found your way around a little more of this forum so perhaps you have received some helpful advice? I don't think what I will say is helpful as such, I'm sorry for that. You have found yourself in a very difficult and painful relationship. I am a woman married to an asexual man. He is gradually accepting he may be asexual and will never feel sexual attraction to anyone. He is in his late forties and no, didn't understand himself when we got together and then married, nearly 30 years ago. He tried to be something he is not for a long time. He blamed himself and then he blamed me. Then he blamed himself again. I love my husband deeply. I always have and likely always will.  Our relationship has harmed both of us a great deal. We are doing a little better now that we have 'discovered' asexuality.

I am not trying to upset you or find fault with your boyfriend but what you wrote also resonated powerfully with my own experience so can you look at how I have spaced out some statements you made, above? It reads like a very very mismatched relationship, doesn't it?  One person is suffering from lack of human touch, physical intimacy and a general sense of closeness. The other person does not want any of those things and does not love in a way that lets him offer them anyway.

If your boyfriend needs the kind of love that is expressed through comfortable companionship and maintaining a physical distance AT ALL TIMES, then this relationship will continue to cause him distress and discomfort.  If you need the kind of love that is expressed through reliable human touch and consistent physical intimacy then this relationship will continue to hurt you and it will impact negatively on all other areas of your life too. That sounds so dire but I cannot lie to you about this. What you went through that night, described above, will become a regular occurrence if you stay in this relationship. Only people who have experienced a mismatched relationship like this truly understand the full impact it can have on a persons emotional, psychological and physical well being. You have had two years of one so you know what it has done to your psyche already. Consider that night and these last two years on repeat for the next 10 years, or 20 years or 30 years. I truly am so sorry because no doubt your boyfriend is a good man who deserves someone to love him in the way that makes him happy. BUT so do you. Never forget that.

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CatsandDogs

Thank you so much @TimeDelay for your response and support. Finding this site has been so helpful to me already in just the two days since I discovered it. I think it’s really brave of everyone on here to share their thoughts, experiences and feelings so freely with one another. I started to cry this morning when I woke up and read a response I got from another woman who is in a similar situation to yours. Her advice to me was very similar and I cried because I felt like for the first time in the past couple of years my feelings were validated and understood. And I realized what I knew deep down for a long time: I have to end this relationship and learn how to move on. I would really like to stay friends with my boyfriend and think it would be very freeing for us both. We love each other and respect each other and I really do feel like he is my best friend. I think that removing the pressure and expectation  of being in a “romantic” relationship will allow us to flourish individually and together as friends. I hope he will be open to that but even if he rejects the idea I need to let go. I’ve never broken up with someone I was still in love with before but I need to remember the most important love anyone can have is with themselves. And even though it might sound selfish I need to love myself enough to go after everything I want. I can’t even imagine dating someone else but I know I need to give myself the freedom to find someone who will love me in all the ways I want. I know I will never find that if I stay in this relationship, and you’re right, the damage will only be worse for us both. 

 

I hope someday he can explore this site too and learn more earn more about himself through the experience of others. I hope he can learn to accept himself, stop blaming himself, and stop feeling like he is “a failure of a man.” It has been very enlightening for me to read the experiences of asexuals on this site because I know now that he is not ignoring me or blowing off my needs...he does love me but how he understands love is totally different to me. I want him to know there’s nothing wrong with him. It’s just different. I feel that having a community of people with similar experiences will help him realize he is ok and how he feels is ok. We are only in our 30s so I hope he can start to examine his sexuality (or lack thereof) soon, before he lives any more of his life in such misery. But I can’t do anything more than bring a horse to water. And what’s that saying about not being able to love someone else until you can love yourself? I hope he can one day achieve that and I will be there to support him however I can.

 

I am really sorry to hear that you and so so many other women I have connected with on here have had these experiences for as long as you have. You deserve a complete love too, and I hope you know that. I hope someday you find that, and thank you so much for your honest and inspiring words. 

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It's very brave of you. I think the rejection now would be better than what would inevitably happen, which is resentment over time. It's human nature and so we can't help it, however much we try to hide it or dampen it down.

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Is there anything a "sexual" would know that a asexual would not know that I should know when trying to fit in with other "sexual" human beings?

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Quiet & Unsure

I am so glad my ex wife was such a highly sexual woman.  If she was able to understand how I worked I might still be married and miserable.  All worked out for the best in the end :) 

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On 8/2/2019 at 11:37 PM, Kain gray said:

Is there anything a "sexual" would know that a asexual would not know that I should know when trying to fit in with other "sexual" human beings?

In what context?

I would caution against trying to fit in with any 'group' if doing so requires you to go against your own nature. Be honest about yourself and celebrate difference; decent people will appreciate you for that. 

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On 8/2/2019 at 3:37 PM, Kain gray said:

Is there anything a "sexual" would know that a asexual would not know that I should know when trying to fit in with other "sexual" human beings?

They would know what sexual attraction / arousal feels like, and that might make them more understanding of how to avoid giving the wrong signals in social situations. 

 

 

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Grumpy Alien
On 8/2/2019 at 6:37 PM, Kain gray said:

Is there anything a "sexual" would know that a asexual would not know that I should know when trying to fit in with other "sexual" human beings?

Unless you plan on having sex with someone? Not really relevant.

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12 hours ago, disGraceful said:

Unless you plan on having sex with someone? Not really relevant.

It's an interesting question though. The fact that i now know i am asexual and assume that most people are having sex and actively enjoying it the more i wonder about people. All the people i work with for example.

 

Understanding innuendo is probably something that asexuals find challenging especially if they have never had sex.

 

I could take sex or leave it when i was young and occasionally hormones would kick in given enough attention. It makes it easier to understand innuendo.

 

I don't know if that is what the question was about.

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Grumpy Alien
1 hour ago, alibali said:

It's an interesting question though. The fact that i now know i am asexual and assume that most people are having sex and actively enjoying it the more i wonder about people. All the people i work with for example.

 

Understanding innuendo is probably something that asexuals find challenging especially if they have never had sex.

 

I could take sex or leave it when i was young and occasionally hormones would kick in given enough attention. It makes it easier to understand innuendo.

 

I don't know if that is what the question was about.

Not all sexuals pick up on innuendos either.

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1 hour ago, alibali said:

Understanding innuendo is probably something that asexuals find challenging especially if they have never had sex.

I am asexual, never been with anyone romantically/sexually. And I can understand innuendos and am good at making them myself. 

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I disagree.  If the relationship is sensual yet not sexual you can still fulfill mind body and soul.  Think of it like post sex cuddling, but without having the sex.  Skin to skin contact is still achieved.  Physical intimacy is still achieved.  There's just no actual penetration.

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6 minutes ago, xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ said:

I disagree.  If the relationship is sensual yet not sexual you can still fulfill mind body and soul.  Think of it like post sex cuddling, but without having the sex.  Skin to skin contact is still achieved.  Physical intimacy is still achieved.  There's just no actual penetration.

This may get to the fuzzy way that people use the word "sex". For some it means penetration, for others just arousal.  Without arousal though I think cuddling is different than cuddling with arousal. 

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I'm sure that depends on a person to person level.  There is a difference between cuddling with arousal and cuddling without arousal.  There's also a difference between cuddling clothed and cuddling naked.  There's also a difference between intimate cuddles and friend cuddles.  Let's call it the cuddle spectrum.  😂

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anisotrophic

I'm with @xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ on this. :) Of note: IIRC we've both had decent amounts of sex with other people. That might mean we're more skeptical/realistic about what sex brings – and does not bring – to a relationship.

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Honestly, I dont care that much about the sex part. If it went away, fine. I would more miss the cuddling after sex, or the spending 12 hours walking around naked cause we are just comfortable with each other. That is where the intimacy comes in for me. Skin to skin contact and just comfort with the other person. And those can still be had without sex. Just, often aces get scared of intimacy due to the sexual nature of people... so that goes away with the sex to not frustrate / tease. If my partner ever wants to go non-sexual, I will still need intimate. 

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2 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

IIRC we've both had decent amounts of sex with other people. That might mean we're more skeptical/realistic about what sex brings – and does not bring – to a relationship.

Nailed it!

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