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The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread


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rainbowocollie

Here's a question for allosexual women:

Have you ever felt sexually attracted to someone, like wanted to have sex with them specifically? Did you only feel this way when in a relationship, or have you been attracted to aquatintances in that way?

 

Can you say you have a general desire for sex? Or did those desires remain hidden from you until you started dating?

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My strongest attraction is towards people I know very well.  I've not had a lot of relationships, four in total, but I threw myself at each of them on the first date.  (Age of each relationship start was 14, 15, 25, 38)Though, for each of those relationships, I had huge secret crushes on them for a while first.

 

I've also had casual sex which is way different.  It's not fuled by the same desire.  It's more primal and high risk and then it's over and you don't even think about that person again.

 

I've had sexual urges since I was a young teenager.  I can go from having no desire for sex to being on fire and I can't always explain why.

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On 6/26/2019 at 6:49 AM, xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ said:

 

 

On 6/26/2019 at 6:49 AM, xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ said:

 

x

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9 hours ago, questdrivencollie said:

Here's a question for allosexual women:

Have you ever felt sexually attracted to someone, like wanted to have sex with them specifically? Did you only feel this way when in a relationship, or have you been attracted to aquatintances in that way?

 

Can you say you have a general desire for sex? Or did those desires remain hidden from you until you started dating?

I have a general desire for sex, yes. If I'm single, it's not directed at anyone, so if I have sex its to have sex, not to have sex with that person. When there's someone I have a romantic interest in... the liking them comes first, and then my general desire for sex is directed at them and only them. 

 

In other words, I don't understand having sexual attraction for people you don't already have an emotional connection with, but I do understand having sex with them anyway.

 

I never feel that burning feeling except for romantic partners. It's not a feeling I feel outside of a relationship. 

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On 6/25/2019 at 8:56 PM, questdrivencollie said:

Here's a question for allosexual women:

Have you ever felt sexually attracted to someone, like wanted to have sex with them specifically? Did you only feel this way when in a relationship, or have you been attracted to aquatintances in that way?

 

Can you say you have a general desire for sex? Or did those desires remain hidden from you until you started dating?

 

cis, pan, demi, allo woman (for reference)

 

Because I'm demi, I only really want sex if I am close to someone.
There's been a time or two when I had sex while not in a relationship or what have you, but it always felt kind of... obligatory? Hollow?

 

And if I am in a healthy relationship, the "switch" (for lack of a better term) for looking for partners goes off, they are all I want etc.

 

There have been some people who are NOT my partner I feel like I would happily hop into bed with, but they are super unattainable (like Gackt, sorry, would not even ask my lifemate for permission or anything, and They understand/ are ok with that lol).
But on the whole, I just can't get into the casual sex thing. (though I will defend the heck out of other people's right to have as much casual sex as they want)

 

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I have a question.

When talking about sex, sexuals often mention a "merging" element to it (psychologically speaking). Could you explain it?

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As an asexual I can't say how it feels, but I believe it makes a couple closer and as one. My ex really only appeared to feel like we were part of a couple when we were having sex or had recently had sex. I didn't need sex to feel committed and close to him and only him. One of the nicest weekends I remember is when we had a weekend away together and left the kids with my Mum....and he was loving  and communicative for the whole weekend......the fact that I remember that clearly is pretty telling about the rest of our relationship when sex was either fraught or non existent.

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I only have one thing to say in response: 

 

   WELCOME BACK TELE!!👋🎉💥.  

           Missed you

Edited by SusannaC
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4 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

There might be a similar analogy with team sports - I wouldn't know, as I don't play team sports.

I never liked team sports.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Obviously the importance of sex can vary from person to person, but on average, is it really that big of a deal for most people?

As an ace, I don’t really understand the level of importance because sex is just kinda nasty to me.

This is probably a tough question to answer considering it’s so general, but I figured it might be worth a shot to ask.

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Grumpy Alien
27 minutes ago, MCLoves said:

Obviously the importance of sex can vary from person to person, but on average, is it really that big of a deal for most people?

As an ace, I don’t really understand the level of importance because sex is just kinda nasty to me.

This is probably a tough question to answer considering it’s so general, but I figured it might be worth a shot to ask.

Can you define what a big deal is? 

 

It’s important in my relationship for intimacy but less important for love and unimportant for everything else if that makes sense? I would still love my husband without sex but something would be missing for me. I wouldn’t feel as close. It’s fun, I like it, it makes me feel loved... but yeah, I could live without it. I have a low libido. If I were single, I wouldn’t even think about sex - celibacy would be a nonissue. That’s just me personally though.

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@disGraceful What I mean to ask is basically: Is a relationship without sex a sort of “deal breaker” for the average sexual person?

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Like Telecaster and CBC say, it's about communicating with another human being. It's vital for those of us who are wired that way. There is no deeper sense and affirmation of our human connection than what we experience during sexual interactions. 

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Anthracite_Impreza
11 hours ago, CBC said:

It's not a random hobby like playing tennis.

To be fair to @MCLoves, I used to think it was just a random hobby, and that was only after learning people did the deed for non-reproductive purposes. It was the only reason I could fathom doing it for otherwise. It was like, I hate sewing, some people like it; it's their hobby. I assumed sex must be the same.

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23 hours ago, MCLoves said:

Obviously the importance of sex can vary from person to person, but on average, is it really that big of a deal for most people?

As an ace, I don’t really understand the level of importance because sex is just kinda nasty to me.

This is probably a tough question to answer considering it’s so general, but I figured it might be worth a shot to ask.

I don't have any statistics on "most", but for "many" sexual people, sex is extremely important.  For those people (in general):

 

Sex is the difference between friendship and love.  (which are very different things for those people).

 

Sex is essential to being happy in a relationship. Without it you feel like something vital is missing from your life. 

 

Sex is not nasty, but rather a natural continuation of love and romance. The lack of it makes the relationship feel broken, incomplete. 

 

Sex is basically why straight people love people of the other gender, and homosexual people love those of the same gender.  It is the primary distinguishing feature.  To most sexuals, what else is really the important difference between falling in love with a man or a woman. 

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On 7/13/2019 at 4:58 AM, MCLoves said:

@disGraceful What I mean to ask is basically: Is a relationship without sex a sort of “deal breaker” for the average sexual person?

For probably most, yeah. 

 

Why? It is an intimate act of sharing. Sharing each other, sharing desire, sharing pleasure and sharing vulnerability. All wrapped up in one neat package. You can get each seperately, but its hard to get that combo elsewhere. 

 

 

I have personally never placed a high value on sex. I never wanted it, until I wanted my spouse. But, now with my spouse, I have had it taken away and replaced by her. And... I think I get why people are so hurt by it. Its hard to seperate the pain of the replacement and the pain of the loss though. But, the sheer confidence boost included with knowing my wife wants me when I get it back is enough to know it has some power over my emotions in this relationship. She asked if I could be happy if I lost it from her completely and I don't know. I think if the loss was complete loss of libido, yes, I could, easily.  I can feel intimacy strongly from romantic sources. But... it would be hard under any other circumstance. The complete feeling of rejection is crushing. 

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On 7/12/2019 at 11:22 PM, disGraceful said:

Can you define what a big deal is? 

 

It’s important in my relationship for intimacy but less important for love and unimportant for everything else if that makes sense? I would still love my husband without sex but something would be missing for me. I wouldn’t feel as close. It’s fun, I like it, it makes me feel loved... but yeah, I could live without it. I have a low libido. If I were single, I wouldn’t even think about sex - celibacy would be a nonissue. That’s just me personally though.

Big deal:   in my case I have a near perfect life with a woman I love, a great job, and pretty much everything I dreamed of as a kid.  Yet I spend a lot of time unhappy due to the near constant feelings of having missed out on the sort of romance (which includes sex) with the woman I love.  During the brief periods when she does desire sex (sometimes lasting a couple of months), I"m *happy*.  A rare experience for me. 

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On 7/13/2019 at 1:58 AM, MCLoves said:

@disGraceful What I mean to ask is basically: Is a relationship without sex a sort of “deal breaker” for the average sexual person?

For many yes.   For others it *should* be a deal-breaker but instead they just remain unhappy. 

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Fighting_For_Us

Maybe this is a bit personal, but hey that's what we're here for right? :)

 

My question is Do you guys [sexuals] think about sex daily/regularly? And if so, is it nice or uncomfortable?

 

Thanks!

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10 minutes ago, Fighting_For_Us said:

 

 

My question is Do you guys [sexuals] think about sex daily/regularly? And if so, is it nice or uncomfortable?

 

Thanks!

The reason I am 'here' in this forum is because I'm married to an asexual. I have no experience of being a sexual person in a sexually/emotionally/psychologically satisfying relationship. Therefore I don't know how often I would think about sex under those conditions. As a sexual person being deprived of such a relationship for many many years I can say that due to the scarcity effect I think about sex/intimacy/affection pretty constantly on the bad days. There is nothing nice about it. I'm not sure uncomfortable would describe my experience either; deeply painful is more accurate.

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5 hours ago, Fighting_For_Us said:

Maybe this is a bit personal, but hey that's what we're here for right? :)

 

My question is Do you guys [sexuals] think about sex daily/regularly? And if so, is it nice or uncomfortable?

 

Thanks!

Oh man, I was just talking to my boyfriend about this last week. In every other relationship I've been in, I've been the one with the low libido /sex drive(in comparison to my partners.  I still believe it was high). And now that I'm dating an asexual My sex drive is at an all-time high. I think about sex several times a day with him. And I don't think it's because of the infrequency, I actually think it's because our relationship is just so damn stellar, that I desire him more than I've desired anyone else.  

 

I guess I would describe the feelings of desire both nice and frustrating. Frustrating because I know it's not reciprocated, but nice because I'm not used to having them. Not frustrating to the point where I am angry about it or anything, because I was always on the other side of that coin, which is ironic. It's definitely an odd twist of fate.  I personally find the irony more amusing than anything else, but I know I am a rare exception here.

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11 hours ago, Fighting_For_Us said:

Maybe this is a bit personal, but hey that's what we're here for right? :)

 

My question is Do you guys [sexuals] think about sex daily/regularly? And if so, is it nice or uncomfortable?

 

Thanks!

I am thinking about it almost daily at the moment due to issues in my relationship. But, not in a nice way. 

 

But.. before the issues it would slip my mind for days, until I wanted it or my partner did. 

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15 hours ago, Fighting_For_Us said:

My question is Do you guys [sexuals] think about sex daily/regularly? And if so, is it nice or uncomfortable?

Yes, frequently and daily. as basic “thoughts among thoughts”.

 

Tangentially: I’ve enjoyed thinking about sex as long as I can recall. Back in the day, as I sat in Mass with the family, I’d glance around and try to imagine various couples and what their sex lives might look like. (I was a heavy reader of smut so had some inkling while never having done it at that point myself,). I’d think of them naked and just imagine it all.  Every single time, I would cut the image and feel GUILT! Damn Catholic upbringing! 🤣

 

Oh yes, I also worried about others being able to read my mind when it was exceptionally dirty!  🤔 maybe I am a bit bananas after all! Hahahaha

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I has a question! I saw this on Facebook and was puzzled. The person said "he had his sexual awakening to [insert female movie star or cartoon character of choice]". I am thoroughly baffled as to what that means. Is this an odd way to phrase things or a normal thing that somehow I haven't run across before? 

 

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AceMissBehaving
32 minutes ago, firebird8 said:

I has a question! I saw this on Facebook and was puzzled. The person said "he had his sexual awakening to [insert female movie star or cartoon character of choice]". I am thoroughly baffled as to what that means. Is this an odd way to phrase things or a normal thing that somehow I haven't run across before? 

 

I think it means during their formative years, that person/character was the first to inspire sexual feelings in the individual making the statement.

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2 hours ago, CBC said:

celebs

I misread this as "ceebs" and the whole thing seems so much funnier if I imagine you're talking about yourself in the third person.

 

 

Ahem. Anyway.

 

Yes, as AMB (may I call you that @AceMissBehaving?) said, it's a way some people describe having their eyes opened to their sexuality. Some people can name specific songs that got them interested in a genre of music. Some people can name specific dishes that made them go crazy for a certain type of food. Some people can name people or characters who made their sexual feelings crystal clear to them.

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