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The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread


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2 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Yeah, the frustrating thing for me is that it could all be avoided by either 1) doing one’s agreed chores proactively without waiting to be nagged or 2) apologizing for not having them done, setting new expectations (“I was just too tired this morning but I’ll do them tonight”), and then delivering on those expectations.

 

Everyone is different but I don’t know many naggers who are pleased when the opportunity to nag arises.

Sometimes it comes to agreeing on expectations - do both people have the same priorities? 

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7 hours ago, ryn2 said:

 

For adults, though, getting divorced seems like an extreme solution to the issue of a partner who won’t share the chores without being asked repeatedly.

not really.

option A: stay with a person who does not do their fair share of the work without being told, which puts the emotional baggage of running the household on you. leading to stress and anger.

option B: having exhausted all attempts to entice your partner to do their chores proactively you decide to free yourself of parenting an adult and get out of the unbalanced relationship. yes you are now responsible for all the household chores without help but really, its better than having to beg for the help Every Single Time.

I chose option B.  (yes there were other factors in my decision)

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I can certainly see it as part of a bigger picture but if the rest of the relationship is good it still seems extreme to me.  Perhaps the general idea is more that if it’s a constant problem the rest of the relationship probably isn’t good?

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When you do all the chores that should have been shared, but only for yourself, they don't feel like chores. You can only get frustrated with yourself, not resentful.

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8 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

And the flipside of that is if you don't do your agreed chores to the point your partner is getting annoyed, it's going to be detrimental to the relationship.

True. Luckily, for my relationship its usually nagging each other to eat because we both hate eating and will skip it completely if not pushed. :lol: So not a chore that needs done. 

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12 minutes ago, Apostle said:

When my SO decided to not have a sexual relationship with me anymore, I stopped doing a lot of chores, if not to balance up the relationship.

The difference here is that sex is something you wanted and liked.  Typically the chores are something neither partner wants nor likes... and yet a sad fact of adulting is that they need to get done anyway.

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2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

That gets into the degree of antipathy the asexual has towards sex. Is it just a thing they wouldn't think of, or something they actively repelled by. If the former, then having sex is more like a chore, and can be negotiated in those terms. 

What I meant is that sex is a fun/good thing for one party and a chore for the other.  It’s not the same as things that are a chore for both.

 

Also, the other chores don’t “belong” to the ace partner... so you can’t trade the chore of having sex for the chore of putting your dishes in the dishwasher (unless you and the ace partner actually discuss and agree on that) because putting your dishes in the dishwasher isn’t a favor you do for/chore you’re taking over from the ace partner.  It’s just something an adult who makes dirty dishes should do.

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E.g., “you won’t have sex with me so I won’t do the dishes for you” is only reasonable if you keep doing your own dishes and just stop doing mine... as “doing the dishes” for you is not “my” chore to begin with.

 

Or, if the arrangement in your household is “I’ll do the dishes if you do the laundry,” stopping doing the dishes because I’m no longer doing the laundry is reasonable.  Stopping because I’m not having sex is only reasonable if the arrangement was “I’ll do the dishes if you’ll have sex with me.”

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7 minutes ago, Apostle said:

It seems to me that asexuals just cannot grasp this concept. whereby sexual activity (for a sexual, anyway) stimulates the brain and helps to form a closer relationship.

I don’t think it’s a case of not grasping it, at least not for everyone.  It’s more that it’s a catch-22... sex helps strengthen the relationship for the sexual partner, but (often) only if it’s desired, wholly-enthusiastically-undertaken, non-chorelike sex.  The asexual partner can’t provide that type of sex.  Sex also doesn’t strengthen the relationship for the asexual partner (unless you count how the indirect benefit of the relationship’s being stronger from the sexual’s perspective might outweigh the cost of its being eroded from the asexual’s perspective).

 

16 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Not exactly consensual though, is it

A sexual demands consensual sex in a relationship (not talking about one night stands here), not trade off sex. 

Tradeoff sex is still consensual, assuming the trade is freely made (not sex in exchange for food where the person would otherwise starve, e.g.).

 

Regardless of whether or not there’s an official tradeoff made, the asexual partner is still not capable of delivering that desired, intrinsically-motivated sex whether the sexual demands it or not.

 

The discussion was more around whether sexuals are justified in withholding performance of other chores when asexuals withhold sex, though, not around the merits (or lack thereof) of tradeoff sex.

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I see willingness to have sex as being consensual even if it's not something an asexual would do unless their partner wanted to. Whether it's out of love or love and desire or compromise shouldn't matter. And if the sexual in the partnership wants the whole shebang....well desire is not something an asexual feels. Doesn't make it more or less consensual.

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2 hours ago, ryn2 said:

I don’t think it’s a case of not grasping it, at least not for everyone.  It’s more that it’s a catch-22... sex helps strengthen the relationship for the sexual partner, but (often) only if it’s desired, wholly-enthusiastically-undertaken, non-chorelike sex.  The asexual partner can’t provide that type of sex.  Sex also doesn’t strengthen the relationship for the asexual partner (unless you count how the indirect benefit of the relationship’s being stronger from the sexual’s perspective might outweigh the cost of its being eroded from the asexual’s perspective).

 

Tradeoff sex is still consensual, assuming the trade is freely made (not sex in exchange for food where the person would otherwise starve, e.g.).

 

Regardless of whether or not there’s an official tradeoff made, the asexual partner is still not capable of delivering that desired, intrinsically-motivated sex whether the sexual demands it or not.

 

The discussion was more around whether sexuals are justified in withholding performance of other chores when asexuals withhold sex, though, not around the merits (or lack thereof) of tradeoff sex.

This keeps getting back to the core problem - an asexual simply cannot provide what most sexuals need to be happy.  Some asexuals understand this, some do not. The sadddest cases are where the asexual is suffering through sexual acts that aren't really what the sexual wants anyway, and both are miserable. 

 

 

 

I agree that this is not a consent issue - consent isn't the same as enjoyment.  Someone may choose to have sex (eg consent) even if they don't enjoy the sex because they wish to do it for other reasons.  Non-consent indicates someone having sex that they don't want.  (as opposed to don't enjoy). Its sort of like the difference between work and slavery. Someone may not enjoy their job, but they choose to do it considering all of the consequences.  A slave has no choice. 

 

 

 

 

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1 minute ago, uhtred said:

[...]an asexual simply cannot provide what most sexuals need to be happy.  Some asexuals understand this, some do not.

I’d rather see this worded as “cannot provide something that plays a key role in most sexuals’ happiness,” as it sounds like how essential it is to happiness varies from sexual to sexual.  That’s probably a contributor to why some asexuals don’t seem to understand.  The other contributor is likely that it just doesn’t make sense to them... like a person going on about how it’s impossible to live a happy life without chocolate will seem overly melodramatic to someone who doesn’t like chocolate to start with.

 

6 minutes ago, uhtred said:

The sadddest cases are where the asexual is suffering through sexual acts that aren't really what the sexual wants anyway, and both are miserable. 

I find this sad only when it’s accidental (as in never discussed).  If the couple has discussed it and decided that compromising on sex is worth it (for whatever reason), I don’t find that any sadder than other compromises.

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9 minutes ago, uhtred said:

I agree that this is not a consent issue - consent isn't the same as enjoyment.  Someone may choose to have sex (eg consent) even if they don't enjoy the sex because they wish to do it for other reasons.  Non-consent indicates someone having sex that they don't want.  (as opposed to don't enjoy). Its sort of like the difference between work and slavery. Someone may not enjoy their job, but they choose to do it considering all of the consequences.  A slave has no choice. 

Agreed.  It’s not possible to demand enjoyment... but that doesn’t negate consent.

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  • 3 months later...

I, the sexual, appreciate the effort put into this, done out of love. I have moved from: I want her to want this. To: I dont want her to participate in something which she overall would rather not, since it brings her to much discomfort. I, kind of close my eyes to her phase of discomfort and do my best to bring her through that and accept that the journey has a goal for me, which is a lot less pleasing to me, as it isnt done with a heartfelt enthusiasm, than if it was a mutual give/take/share-project. I still benefit greatly, her on good days, when the stars are aligned and shit like that, benefits are less and less powerful and less important. I dont want her to do it,if it brings her misery. If she is mostly neutral, occasionally to okay to okay-nice to even rarely uh-nice about it. Then fine by me. 

My worry is, that it still takes a toll on her and that the agreement/consent needs to be renegotiated. I just feel like she is not showing me all of her cards. 

If she says ‘no’, then I will respect that. I just wont choose to live with a depression and in celibacy. 

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anisotrophic
1 hour ago, MrDane said:

 

I, the sexual, appreciate the effort put into this, done out of love.

 

Me too.

 

I've moved myself to feeling like a permanent beggar, and being okay with that, grateful for a gift demonstrating love. It took a while, I think I had to set aside pride... accept a position of emotional vulnerability and trust him not to say something hurtful, to not make me feel ashamed. A lot of trust. I express gratitude.

 

@MrDane I hope your partner doesn't feel like she's enduring misery, I hope your conversation about it goes well, if/when you ask. Fingers crossed for you.

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On 1/2/2019 at 3:58 AM, anisotropic said:

Me too.

 

I've moved myself to feeling like a permanent beggar, and being okay with that, grateful for a gift demonstrating love. It took a while, I think I had to set aside pride... accept a position of emotional vulnerability and trust him not to say something hurtful, to not make me feel ashamed. A lot of trust. I express gratitude.

 

@MrDane I hope your partner doesn't feel like she's enduring misery, I hope your conversation about it goes well, if/when you ask. Fingers crossed for you.

Yeah, I hear you! I want her to be happy and I want to be happy myself, and I wouldnt want to be a reoccuring cause of her feeling bad. I just think, that in a mixed relationship, it is often important to look at the bottom line. Are the numbers red? then the general outcome is not good. I think pride (or view of yourself) has a lot to do with this actually. We are on 15+ years on this, and it is still hard to grasp how difficult it is to deal with. 

 

No point in demanding enthusiasm. We have to be realistic. Asking like this: Which parts are you okay with? Which parts do you actually like? Which parts would you rather we didnt do? Are there things of the beforementioned which differ from time to time? Could we make a baseline for our intimacy? Which signs are we both sending out/receiving? Can I touch you like this? What if it happens while we are undressed? When you say ‘quickie’ is that to minimise the pain, the time before sleep or to agree on focus or to avoid to much caressing? Or is it just more fun? 

...and at the same time accept that being open/free isnt always that easy.

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I’m coming from the gray-asexual side of things, but a convo I had with my partner the other day had me wondering.

 

I sometimes feel disturbed by sex scenes in movies. My SO seems to think it is something I need to “get over and accept.” 😕 Have any sexuals had their asexual partners request they not watch sex scenes or expressed a discomfort with sex scenes? How do you feel about it?

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16 hours ago, MrDane said:

When you say ‘quickie’ is that to minimise the pain, the time before sleep or to agree on focus or to avoid to much caressing? Or is it just more fun? 

@MrDane

I’m gray ace, so it isn’t exactly the same.

 

When I specify “quickie,” it’s usually cause I want to do other things with the limited time I have with my partner. In the beginning, I did want to get it over with. So, I could see that being a thing. When I am feeling ace, we play would you rather do an activity (play a video game, etc) or have sex? For me, having two options says that he wants to spend time with me and it gives me a mental meter to know when I haven’t picked sex in a while. Lol

 

And renegotiating is awesome. That assurance that your partner is listening or that they will stop whenever you ask is always nice. It makes you feel safe in what could be a potentially uncomfortable situation ☺️ 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Almost the same exact thing here. I have horrible health problems and not only does my meds bring down my sex drive but I have an auto immune disorder that causes the entry way to my vagina to tear super easily which leads to an excrutiating cyst that needs to be cut open and drained. So I have little desire to attempt sex. I feel so horribly for my partner. He has a really rough time. Especially since I used to be hyper sexual and when we were first dating he was extremely fit and has since gained weight and is attributing my lack of sex drive to that which is not the case at all. Its been hard. I dont know what to do. He doesnt want to bring in another girl. He feels like hes cheating on me. He doesnt want to 'compromise' because he can always tell when I'm not into it. I just need some advice. 

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On 1/7/2019 at 5:25 PM, HeyTay said:

I’m coming from the gray-asexual side of things, but a convo I had with my partner the other day had me wondering.

 

I sometimes feel disturbed by sex scenes in movies. My SO seems to think it is something I need to “get over and accept.” 😕 Have any sexuals had their asexual partners request they not watch sex scenes or expressed a discomfort with sex scenes? How do you feel about it?

Well I know plenty of sexual people (myself included) who find most sex scenes in movies annoying and unnecessary. Sometimes even disgusting. It's very rarely they're handled artfully enough that I can enjoy watching them and feel they add to the film. Honestly I don't think it's anything to do with your orientation, some people enjoy them and some don't. Hotel Budapest was completely ruined for me by the gross and unnecessary sex scene near the start. My friend (also sexual, he was my partner at the time) ended up editing the scene out so we could watch the movie in peace haha.

 

You can't help it if you don't enjoy them, and for the most part I don't either so you're not alone :cake:

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Theoretically

I'm asexual and I'm kind of terrified of future relationships I might have because I have no idea how much sexual attraction matters to people in relationships or how often people normally expect to have sex and I don't want to force myself to have sex just to keep a relationship. I know this is probably a very case by case question, but how much does sexual attraction matter and how often do people expect to have sex with a partner?

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On 1/18/2019 at 10:02 AM, Telecaster68 said:

Sexual attraction matters a lot - to most sexual people, it's as an important way of sharing, and bonding, and communicating with their partner as conversation, but far more visceral and intense. Sexuals who get withdrawn over the lack of sex aren't sulking, they're feeling hurt, rejected and distanced from a partner who doesn't share their desire for sex with them. It's most definitely not just about getting off - that's a fairly small part of it. A better way to frame the effect of not having sex in a relationship is like not having conversation. It's that important.

 

As to frequency: every couple is different, and frequency varies across time within the same couple depending on circumstances - there's no single 'correct' figure. However, according to the Kinsey Institute, which has collected data from thousands of couples over decades, the broadbrush frequency is that couples in their 20s tend to have sex 2-3 times a week, in their 30s it's 1-2 a week. 40s: 2-3 times a month, and then decreasing in the same kind of pattern, but most couples do have some kind of sex life for as long as they're able. Mostly, they'd still want to if they could though.

 

 

Excactly, @Telecaster68 ! ...and we feel sad, when our best friend don’t want to play with us. Not That much or ever! 

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