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The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread


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5 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Yeah, I’m curious what the others think.

 

Do your fantasies include falling in love with people (during the fantasy)?

 

I wouldn’t think it would affect work any more than a crush would, but my perspective may be different.

"Falling in love" is too strong but my occasional fantasies about people I know have involved sort of romantic situations - their attraction to me is a critical part of the fantasy.  (and this is why I avoid those fantasies).  Fantasies about made up people, people from movies etc, are generally all about sex which may not be at all romantic. 

 

A crush could also affect my behavior toward someone 

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4 hours ago, Apostle said:

Do you think you may have been meeting the wrong sort of man?

Normally I'd dismiss this but in this particular case its an interesting question. What @anamikanon describes is a common male behavior, but far from universal. 

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36 minutes ago, uhtred said:

A crush could also affect my behavior toward someone 

Oh, agreed, but in my experience they happen whether they’re welcome or not and we just have to work around them.  I didn’t think a fantasy would be any different/worse.

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21 hours ago, Apostle said:

Do you think you may have been meeting the wrong sort of man?

It is possible. 

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16 hours ago, uhtred said:

Normally I'd dismiss this but in this particular case its an interesting question. What @anamikanon describes is a common male behavior, but far from universal. 

It isn't universal. My ace is indeed one, and I do know several other men who are not like that. But then they aren't available for dating either for one reason or the other or I don't feel attracted to them or they don't feel attracted to me or ...

 

Also the chances of conflict and ego issues with a woman are drastically higher in a relationship than general acquaintances, so you end up kissing princes and they turn into frogs.

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3 hours ago, Apostle said:

It seems that you appear to be giving off signals to a specific type of man and maybe you may wish to address that?

Nah. I don't give off signals to attract any specific type. If anything, my signals are strongly to stay away unless you can take women being extremely strong. I simply piss off most other than those who have either an extremely secure ego or very little of a need to control another. And usually because I act in ways that can seem too non-conforming - most people are able to take that better from a man than a woman and I don't particularly care what they think of my behavior as long as it doesn't harm them in any manner.

 

It is less about people intentionally being jerks and more about how they cope with strong women. For example, a strong woman can seem hot in the beginning of a relationship and drastically less hot if ten years in, she is the one to get into a project that consumes her time while the man is home from work at sane hours to spend time with the kids. An argument that she is busy and grateful that he's pulling more weight with the kids will wash less easily than if it were the husband doing it. If a man does this, it may not be desirable behavior, but it won't necessarily be unacceptably inappropriate. It is more about perceptions being shaped by conditioning than an intentional sexism.

 

I don't actually want to address that. I'm not particularly eager to increase the clutter of people in my life or eager to shoulder the less advantageous expectations from women. If he is a frog, so be it. I have partners because I want to have them, not because I need a man in my life at any cost, including accommodating things I find deeply unattractive.

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On 8/25/2018 at 12:59 AM, anamikanon said:

It isn't universal. My ace is indeed one, and I do know several other men who are not like that. But then they aren't available for dating either for one reason or the other or I don't feel attracted to them or they don't feel attracted to me or ...

 

Also the chances of conflict and ego issues with a woman are drastically higher in a relationship than general acquaintances, so you end up kissing princes and they turn into frogs.

It may be that the things that cause "irrational" attraction for you aren't the same as the ones that make you happy.  This seems fairly common.  I've noticed that in hollywood romance movies the guy who is the "romantic" figure is often rather a jerk.  In the movie it all works out, but in real life, jerks get tiring really quickly. 

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1 hour ago, uhtred said:

It may be that the things that cause "irrational" attraction for you aren't the same as the ones that make you happy.  This seems fairly common.  I've noticed that in hollywood romance movies the guy who is the "romantic" figure is often rather a jerk.  In the movie it all works out, but in real life, jerks get tiring really quickly. 

I've generally been happy with all my partners and none is overtly a "jerk". I find that people simply take relationships for granted after the newness wears off. People and relationships change with time, and when differences emerge, I have found that the task of "maintaining" the compatibility often falls to the woman. This isn't only in my relationships. A couple begins with a certain understanding and commitment of time and attention. Eventually, other priorities start emerging as a part of living. Men overall appear to be less worried about checking back about switching time away from home and the relationship to other stuff. Women generally tend to check/consult/inform more. On the whole, women cope well with men arbitrarily moving time and attention away or their objections are culturally discounted "attention seeking" "melodramatic" "insecure" and the famous "hysterical". Conditioning, probably. Maybe some biological aptitude for adapting to priorities being overruled by circumstances (pregnancy, child rearing...).

 

I don't deal well (and don't want to learn to deal well) with being taken for granted or being expected to agree to something just because I'm in a relationship. I'm not interested in someone who loses interest in building what we have in common and simply assumes that any changes aren't a bother to me because we are in a relationship. To be with me, a partner must value what we have. And so must I. Always. Or I have better things to do. I suppose any man whose wife acts similar will feel similar. I simply mention the sex differences because there are significant patterns and the more distant a couple is, the more the chances are that the woman is left holding the space the man is sporadically interested in at convenience due to being responsible and present at home. It is a disadvantageous tendency of stagnating relationships, not a "men are jerks".

 

 

This really, really isn't about me not knowing what I want or unintentionally attracting wrong types and so on. It is me being less tolerant of differences that emerge with time, if the other partner is not attentive and interested and willing to work to resolve them MUTUALLY. See my posts here. Do you really think I am clueless about how attraction/compatibility/relationships work? For me, compatibility is the tip of the iceberg. 90% of the relationship is in the space you co-create and sustain. It isn't the compatibility part that is the problem, it is this 90% that deteriorates with time for most couples. For every couple that sustains strong communication and mutual respect long term, there are a hundred that simply fall into a pattern created long ago and have a relationship for little more reason than they decided to have one at some point. Many accept it as a part of life. I don't. If my relationship isn't one I'd choose today, I'll walk out, regardless of time spent in it. No sunk cost fallacy here.

 

I treasure my ace so much, in spite of us being very different people and even incompatible in many ways because he never ever takes me for granted and my choices and opinions always matter. As his do to me. So we can work as a team when issues come up, as opposed to one of us being left to cope. The 90% part of it is very strong. The 10% compatibility part, seriously is not that strong between us beyond core values. We are very different people, often with polar opposite issues that can clash. It is the commitment to treasuring what we have found with each other and ensuring that both are happy that keeps us addressing any problems that come up promptly. Other partners didn't. I dumped them. I'll dump this one too the day he thinks ensuring my happiness as I do his is not important. So far, not looking likely.

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Reminds me of the reputation women have for "nagging" - if they felt heard and taken seriously the first time, they wouldn't need to repeat themselves, no? I don't nag. If I feel like I'm not heard, I move on.

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On 8/28/2018 at 3:22 AM, Apostle said:

There's no smoke without fire. 'Nagging' as you put it is rarely attributed to men but I wonder why? Is it because men feel that they can never do anything right in their partner's eyes?

Nagging can be a sign that a lack of communication is going on as well and a sure sign that all is not well in a relationship. 

In this ever changing world of ours both sexes are sometimes struggling to discover the dynamics of a relationship. I well remember coming home after a 9 hour day at work and being handed the baby at the doorstep. That would be after helping to feed the poor chap at 3.0 am as a sharing partnership with my SO. As you can imagine, relationships can suffer and change under these circumstances and sometimes disintegrate. Words can be said that can forever linger in the mind and be used against the other partner in challenging occasions.

 

I'm not trying to denigrate women or men. It's the changing partnership dynamics that may be the cause of friction. Who knows?

 

I seem "nagging" as a way of saying that one's own priorities are more important than those of your partner. (reminding someone of something that they have legitimately forgotten is different - I see "nagging" as telling someone over and over to do something that they do not prioritize). 

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On 8/28/2018 at 11:22 AM, Apostle said:

Nagging can be a sign that a lack of communication is going on as well and a sure sign that all is not well in a relationship. 

In this ever changing world of ours both sexes are sometimes struggling to discover the dynamics of a relationship. I well remember coming home after a 9 hour day at work and being handed the baby at the doorstep. That would be after helping to feed the poor chap at 3.0 am as a sharing partnership with my SO.

Hmmmm....as the person who was the stay at home one I never felt guilty about the fact that I had an hour-long bath every evening and left him to it.  I felt guilty about my not wanting sex, even while I felt resentful about being expected to have it. I don't think my ex was bothered about the sharing of looking after the kids, except that he did bring it up as part of the compromises he expected, but that was more about my not desiring him, other than as a caring Dad. The two things are irrelevant to each other.

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1 hour ago, Apostle said:

It may also mean that the nagger is reiterating to the partner that they are the dominant personality or that they resent the fact that the partner is not showing enough personality to disagree with their point of view. 

The dominant partner doesn’t

normally have to nag because his/her/their word carries enough weight to get things accomplished the first time.

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I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree there, as I agree with uhtred that nagging normally shows that the person being nagged is ignoring/tuning out/oblivious to the nagger’s needs.

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How about both are wrong. The nagger for needing to be in control whether it's because they are dominant or because they never feel listened to and the person being nagged for tuning out and prioritising their individuality over the relationship.

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I guess I sympathize with the nagger because we’re all grownups and who actually wants to tell their partner to not leave laundry or dirty dishes all over the residence 500 times?  Living by the rule that “the person it bothers most needs to take care of it” only works if each partner is bothered by some things and not others.

 

But I suppose there may be a variety of types of nagging....

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I am a nagger. On the day the marital home was sold and we were near enough divorced I spent the last 30 minutes before the removers came pulling things out of cupboards that hadn't been used for years and the shed.  I hadn't lived in the house for 2.5 years at that point, and hadn't nagged him about anything for at least that length of time. The result was utter chaos, which because I was nearly divorced I managed to deal with patiently.

 

Perhaps the lack of contribution to chores or organisation on his part balanced the issues about sex on mine. I am far happier now I don't have anyone to nag (children excepted and I try not to, but it is completely different to what should be an equal partnership).

 

Which came first, the need of nagging or the lack of sex. I don't know. He didn't want me to leave. I was his rock and his organiser, but he treated me badly over the issues to do with sex, which then just bounced around as a lot of bad communication between both of us.  He is struggling with having to deal with life on his own. I am finally content with myself.  It can't be helped. Maybe he will find someone better.

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Yeah, I’m sure some people can be overly controlling but what you are describing is the situation in my house in all areas I do not “police” in some manner.    It’s especially grating because my partner is often too time-crunched to help out because he’s been doing exactly these same chores (voluntarily, not as assigned) where he volunteers.

 

I know if/when we divorce I will have to do 100% of everything anyway so I do try to remind myself of that rather than nagging or dwelling.

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48 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Nagging has got nothing to do with sex, or the lack of it from either persons perspective. A nagger is someone who believes they are either not being listened to or are reinforcing their dominance over someone else. I see (mostly) women nagging their children for example about this or that, in full public view and quite often the same families in similar situations. This surely must be down to a lack of parenting skills. Nagging a partner falls along the same lines. Find a way around the obvious lack of communication by either talking about the problem or by going your own way. To me, nagging someone is a show of dissatisfaction with their own lifestyle, but continuing with this mode of anger, if you like, can only exacerbate the gulf between the nagger and the nagged and it doesn't solve anything.

 

I find it terribly sad to see someone nagged in public and to me it shows a complete lack of empathy. As educated humans we should be above that.

Asking someone to do something politely surely is fair enough.  My ex criticised my driving in public, called me an alcoholic in public, called me her indoors or the boss, in public.  I don't remember nagging him or the kids in public, although I am sure I asked or even told them not to do things....like run out in the road, or to put sweets back. At what point does it become nagging....I suppose....prefacing with I've told you a 100 times....I probably had!

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What’s acceptable, then, @Apostle?  Just waiting for the partner (or child) to notice the chores need doing or the toys need picking up and hoping someday the partner/child will feel inspired to take care of what needs doing without being asked?

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I can’t really speak to the effective parenting question as I have no kids.

 

For adults, though, getting divorced seems like an extreme solution to the issue of a partner who won’t share the chores without being asked repeatedly.

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I think there are different levels of nagging. My partner nags me and I do them at times. But, its friendly reminders of things we both know we should be doing but need a push to actually do. Whereas if you nag to the point your partner is getting annoyed, its going to be negative to the relationship. 

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Yeah, the frustrating thing for me is that it could all be avoided by either 1) doing one’s agreed chores proactively without waiting to be nagged or 2) apologizing for not having them done, setting new expectations (“I was just too tired this morning but I’ll do them tonight”), and then delivering on those expectations.

 

Everyone is different but I don’t know many naggers who are pleased when the opportunity to nag arises.

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