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The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread


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Twisters and Apostle,

 

I feel I am in a similar situation as you both are.  2 Kids, soul mate of 25+ years.  I am lucky in that she came out to me and pointed me to this forum as a resource.  It has only been a few weeks, and so I don’t really know where this is headed.  We are going to be seeing a marriage counselor.

 

There has been an interesting peacefulness that has not been there for me since my wife came out.  I am no longer wondering if maybe this morning she will want to be intimate, or when we are planning out next vacation there will be a romantic component.  Now it is completely off the table for me and not even a factor. 

 

With that peace comes a huge sense of mourning and loss.

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5 hours ago, Sweet Potato said:

Question:

 

In a long term committed relationship, how important is it to give your partner sexual pleasure compared to receiving pleasure from them? If your partner wanted to please you but had no expectation/desire to have it returned could it still be a satisfying experience?

It depends on lots of  details and on the person.

 

For me, the mutual pleasure of sex is important.  Sexual favors that are one-directional are fine, but as an occasional thing.

 

I could still be OK with my wife just doing things for me IF it was clear that she was doing them out of a legitimate desire to make me happy, not because she felt she *needed* to do them. Even at its best though, its not as good as something mutual - for me. 

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8 hours ago, Sweet Potato said:

Question:

 

In a long term committed relationship, how important is it to give your partner sexual pleasure compared to receiving pleasure from them? If your partner wanted to please you but had no expectation/desire to have it returned could it still be a satisfying experience?

I can only speak for me.  I suspect in the moment I might get caught up in the experience.  Afterwards, reality would insert itself and I would simply feel hollow as the experience was only one sided.

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I recommend any ace that is more receptive to trying sex to fiddly diddly yourself and set a time frame to practice every week. I used to barely do it , but I was curious if I could get more out of what I was already doing. It worked, but it took me three months of perseverance X_________ e . I started like once a week ;  When I first started , it could take me two hours, then I would give up. I suspect this could be a female anatomy problem cuz things are complicated, but you also gotta be into it..When your body sorta understands more , it makes it easier to get into faster. I've never had a big O though ,and don't expect it to happen but I do get more out of the old jam session. 

 

I do sometimes wonder if ace-allo relationships could work out better if some of the anxiety about being expected to perform were lifted, like if the couple started out really really slow. Like maybe an hour of just sensual stuff and figuring out what you like. I've figured out that I really like having my neck played with, but not much else . It may take a year for all I know to build to a shazam, but it wouldn't be so scary.

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On 6/14/2018 at 9:27 PM, spazzticsoda said:

I do sometimes wonder if ace-allo relationships could work out better if some of the anxiety about being expected to perform were lifted, like if the couple started out really really slow. Like maybe an hour of just sensual stuff and figuring out what you like. I've figured out that I really like having my neck played with, but not much else . It may take a year for all I know to build to a shazam, but it wouldn't be so scary.

If I’m understanding them, though, the issue for most sexuals here isn’t whether or not the ace can achieve orgasm/physical pleasure from sex; it’s the feelings of genuine sexual desire that (don’t, for the ace) underlie sexual activity.

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Sweet Potato
On 6/14/2018 at 6:27 PM, spazzticsoda said:

I recommend any ace that is more receptive to trying sex to fiddly diddly yourself and set a time frame to practice every week. I used to barely do it , but I was curious if I could get more out of what I was already doing. It worked, but it took me three months of perseverance X_________ e . I started like once a week ;  When I first started , it could take me two hours, then I would give up. I suspect this could be a female anatomy problem cuz things are complicated, but you also gotta be into it..When your body sorta understands more , it makes it easier to get into faster. I've never had a big O though ,and don't expect it to happen but I do get more out of the old jam session.

lol, I tried that when I still thought something was wrong with me. learned how to give myself an orgasm in under 3 minutes, but involve a partner and its a chore and a half just to stay wet long enough for them to finish. my turn ons are completely random shit at random intervals, my turn offs are partnered sexy time. yeah I'm weird.

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  • 2 weeks later...
if only I was a dragon

Can someone explain kissing to me? I've tried envisioning it and it just seems... odd, to mash my lips with another person's, except specifically as a gesture of trust and intimacy. Like... if the culture was to casually lock pinkies with your significant other - there's no good reason to do it other than the meaning in it.

 

Does it feel good? Why/how? I especially don't understand why putting your tongues in each others' mouths makes it better. How do people just instinctively want to go for a kiss even if they've never had one before?

 

At least with, er, activities involving your genitals - it's like, okay, touching in that way feels good, physically, and regardless of source to an extent - it's a (semi-)consistent response to a given input. But with kissing... I'm assuming that just sticking something slimy and tongue-like in your mouth would not be physically pleasurable to the average person. Or kissing something inanimate that has a similar texture and flex as lips. But doing it with somebody is? I just don't understand.

 

To clarify, the attempted envisioning involved someone I was attracted to in some manner (still have not definitively concluded the extent, there - 85% certain it was at least romantic attraction), and that was the only person I have ever had any amount of attraction to, so if it was going to click, that would've been the time.

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Browncoat10
4 hours ago, Apostle said:

Romance is a myth in today's western society with gender equality. Sticking tongues into each others mouths is replicating sex, full stop. Don't do it, it is unhealthy!

I'm ace. I've never kissed anyone and never wanted to. And even I know this is ridiculous.

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7 hours ago, if only I was a dragon said:

Can someone explain kissing to me? I've tried envisioning it and it just seems... odd, to mash my lips with another person's, except specifically as a gesture of trust and intimacy. Like... if the culture was to casually lock pinkies with your significant other - there's no good reason to do it other than the meaning in it.

 

Does it feel good? Why/how? I especially don't understand why putting your tongues in each others' mouths makes it better. How do people just instinctively want to go for a kiss even if they've never had one before?

 

At least with, er, activities involving your genitals - it's like, okay, touching in that way feels good, physically, and regardless of source to an extent - it's a (semi-)consistent response to a given input. But with kissing... I'm assuming that just sticking something slimy and tongue-like in your mouth would not be physically pleasurable to the average person. Or kissing something inanimate that has a similar texture and flex as lips. But doing it with somebody is? I just don't understand.

 

To clarify, the attempted envisioning involved someone I was attracted to in some manner (still have not definitively concluded the extent, there - 85% certain it was at least romantic attraction), and that was the only person I have ever had any amount of attraction to, so if it was going to click, that would've been the time.

For many people it feels good and is sexually arousing.  If you are asexual and don't feel sexual arousal and / or don't like close physical contact, I expect it is something you can't enjoy. The first serious kiss I had was shockingly nice.   Its all about the person - kissing a rubber set of lips would not be fun....

 

I don't think that there is any way to describe it. If you like cats, why is having a cat sleeping in your lap better than a hot water bottle?  Or if you like music why does one set of tones sound better than the same notes arranged in a random order. Why is a cathedral beautiful but a parking lot is ugly?  I don't know how to explain these things. 

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I can see how someone who does not find kissing sexually arousing could still enjoy it from a sensual/sensory standpoint, similar to massage.

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if only I was a dragon
8 hours ago, uhtred said:

For many people it feels good and is sexually arousing.  If you are asexual and don't feel sexual arousal and / or don't like close physical contact, I expect it is something you can't enjoy. The first serious kiss I had was shockingly nice.   Its all about the person - kissing a rubber set of lips would not be fun....

 

Huh. Okay. So it's just... conditional. Two 'if' statements (touch; the right person) to get to 'then it feels good', instead of one (touch). The thing is I think I wouldn't mind kissing someone - I'm actually a pretty tactile person with people I trust - but the pleasurable part probably wouldn't be there, yeah.

 

Thanks for giving me your thoughts, everyone.

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How do you experience platonic vs romantic vs sexual attraction? I’m demisexual, and I have to be strongly platonically attracted to a person (and that person probably has to be male) in order for me to feel romantic attraction, and I have to feel both platonic and romantic attraction before I can feel sexual attraction. Attraction is not guaranteed, but it’s possible.

 

I realize every individual is different, but for any of the allosexuals here, how are these three different attractions linked for you? Are any of them predicated upon others? Like maybe you need platonic attraction to feel romantic attraction, but not necessarily sexual attraction? Does it just depend on the person or circumstance?

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29 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

They're so interwoven that the whole mixed model so beloved of AVEN makes very little sense to me. If one element is missing, the other two are very superficial and transient; or at best the relationship is a friendship or acquaintanceship.

I feel like this varies greatly from person to person, not just on AVEN/with asexuals but with people in general.  Some - most, in my experience - FWB-seekers specifically want only platonic (friends) and sexual (benefits) attraction in their arrangements and as such avoid/end any situations where romantic attraction/feelings arise.  Likewise, some people prefer to pursue sex in the presence of sexual attraction only and are completely turned off by any sort of romantic or platonic engagement (essentially the reverse of romantic aces, who experience romantic and platonic attraction but not sexual attraction).

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Agreed.  I just meant it wasn’t always as intermingled/interdependent for non-aces as you describe its being for you personally.

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2 hours ago, Apostle said:

...is it really worth the effort of forming a relationship?

I think that varies from person to person too.  Some people are very independent and don’t derive much enjoyment - or, at least, not enough to offset the nuisance value - from sharing their lives and experiences with others, while other people are much happier having someone around.

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I share my life and experiences with my daughter, extended family and good friends. I have just had a hilarious, if cut short holiday with my best friend, who broke her foot whilst away. We had a great time till it all got a bit too tiring but supported each other. We chat every day. We just don't live together, spend all our time together or have sex with each other. There is more than one way to live.

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On 7/19/2018 at 12:44 AM, Apostle said:

is it really worth the effort of forming a relationship?

:) Maybe, but unfortunately only you can answer that. I find the lifelong adventure of learning about myself and my partner enticing enough.

 

Earlier Question: What is sex/sexual attraction like?

I'm going to add yet another point of data, but I'm probably not representative of the cis male population. I'm cis male, but am a bit closer to gray sexual. Attraction for me is physical AND emotional: I can be physically or emotionally attracted to someone, but couldn't imagine being physical with them without both. Physical attraction is quite sensorial (visual, olfactory, touch). But what is the physical sensation of being interested/aroused? It's a slight quickening of the heart rate, maybe flushing a bit, feeling the need to look away from the person otherwise I would stare, then I usually get a hold of myself and I can manage it all, then it's a desire to spend time with them / chat with them and learn about them, and under all this I may or may not be physically aroused for some period. I find it interesting to contrast this to appreciation of other men in a sort of "wow, that's a handsome guy - look at his jaw line... shoulders, .etc." kind of way, where I aesthetically appreciate them, but am repulsed (have no interest?) by the idea of being physical. But with a woman I can enjoy the thought or fantasy of being physical even though in actuality I could never do that without an emotional attraction/relationship. Those thoughts usually involve thinking about enjoying the feeling of various physical interactions like hugging, kissing, what it would be like to brush her hair aside, giving her a massage, etc.

 

I hope that helps in some small way.

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On 7/18/2018 at 9:14 PM, Apostle said:

is it really worth the effort of forming a relationship?

As an extremely asocial person, I totally resonate with this. For me a relationship comes with sharing space and attention with another person. Something I don't do easily. For me, I have found that relationships happen. Sometimes you run into people who fit into your space seamlessly and remain there and get closer because they don't trip any wires that would require immediate eviction. lol. Then that ongoing functional contact needs a suitable name....

 

Usually friend works. Others have got very close and ended up as husbands or lovers...

 

That said, to me, the real headache is not in forming the relationship, but sustaining it. Given that I'm asocial, the relationship doesn't form at all if it is not in a manner acceptable to me. Sadly, we can't pickle people and they grow and change in different ways with time and then they start tripping my wires... I absolutely cannot stand things like complacency, disrespect, controlling behavior, taking either me or them or anyone for granted, etc in my personal space. To me, it is inferior thinking that creates problems that are not condusive to harmonious existence. And sadly, once men stop being on their best behavior, cultural conditioning is such that thoughtless words and actions in a moment of differences can often lead to me being very irritated.

 

This further creates problems when as a woman I should be appropriately awed and accommodating that the one with a penis has a strong opinion that must be the final truth... and when it doesn't happen if they lose their temper instead of discussing rationally.... it gets worse that I'm rarely intimidated short of actual physical danger and tend to look at them like they wet their pants inadvertently in losing their ability to coherently discuss something. And from there it goes downhill.

 

It may sound very man hating or at least man sneering of me, but the truth of it is that men are often raised with such godawful gender defaults, that even the ones who consciously attempt to act in a fair manner have a lot of primitive crap under the polish that starts coming out once the gloss of the novelty wears off. And I'm too eccentric and impatient to cater to random egos on the basis of possession of a Y-Chromosome.

 

Obviously, one foul mood won't end things, but I find that a lot of men aren't really equipped to deal with women who aren't awed if they exert authority.

 

This may sound like I'm very controlling or snobbish. Actually, snobbish, yes I suppose, but controlling, not at all. I'm extremely live and let live. As long as you don't try to override my autonomy over myself, I'm very, very easy and I accept a LOT of autonomy being exerted by my partner as well. If I were a man, I'd be the ideal spouse. But I'm not. And that is the rock where most of the ships of my relationships flounder with time.

 

Among the reasons I haven't ditched my ace is that he understands this and is impeccably compliant. He is an extremely independent person and is very respectful of my autonomy. He won't bow to me and will never expect me to do it either. Mutual respect. Negotiation. This is rare and precious enough that I don't mind not getting laid.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Anthracite_Impreza

These are going to sound like human socialisation 101 type questions but I'm gonna ask anyway because I like clarity. Bear in mind this is all hypothetical, ideal situation type scenario.

 

Is anyone, if they were of the required gender(s), sexuality and personally acceptable to you, a candidate for intimate behaviour (by which I mean kisses, cuddles, holding and I would guess for most people in this section, sex)? Is that what you would hope for?

 

Would intimacy be something you would think about before you knew the person (ie. you assume they're the correct gender but don't know anything else)? You could fantasise about it even in absence of knowledge?

 

Would it feel natural to you to progress to holding hands/kissing etc., to the point where you wouldn't even question it? Like a magnet drawing you in?

 

Conversely, how does it feel if someone does not meet your requirements, and you think of doing intimate things with them? Is that how you know your orientation?

 

Yes, these are inspired by the 'touching' comments on another thread.

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6 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Is anyone, if they were of the required gender(s), sexuality and personally acceptable to you, a candidate for intimate behaviour (by which I mean kisses, cuddles, holding and I would guess for most people in this section, sex)? Is that what you would hope for?

No/Yes. Depending on how "personally acceptable" is defined. If it includes feeling attracted to that person (which in my case can be tricky), then sure. But a generic attractive looking, pleasant behaving person? Nope. I wouldn't even feel tempted to talk to him. Sharp wit, extremely confident and independent nature, several areas of interest where they have in depth geeky knowledge, highly nuanced ethics.... I'd be interested in interacting. Would take a while for me to want to engage in intimate behavior with them even then.

 

6 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Would intimacy be something you would think about before you knew the person (ie. you assume they're the correct gender but don't know anything else)? You could fantasise about it even in absence of knowledge?

No. There may be an age factor here. I was pretty horny when I was younger overall (yeah, I'm still hypersexual...) but also less discriminate. Sex itself was this new and exciting thing. Several decades, relationships and plenty of sex later, sex for the sake of sex no longer has the power to make me inconvenience myself with the people it comes attached to, and my asocial behavior now also extends to potential lovers unless they are really able to grab my admiration.

 

6 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Would it feel natural to you to progress to holding hands/kissing etc., to the point where you wouldn't even question it? Like a magnet drawing you in?

Yes/no. I am highly observant about human nature, so it is not possible I "slide" into something like this. However, with the right person who I am already attracted to, it can feel natural and pleasant and enjoyable. Regardless, it can't happen without awareness for me. 

 

Further, I am not able to understand any sexual "sliding" into sexual situations as though they aren't aware of sex at all, like aces. I think people who do it like to pretend that they didn't notice to avoid taking responsibility for their choices. But really, there is no such thing as tripping over a rug and landing in someone's vagina. Several very deliberate actions are a part of sexual progression.

 

6 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Conversely, how does it feel if someone does not meet your requirements, and you think of doing intimate things with them? Is that how you know your orientation?

I have never felt this. I don't even like being around people I like too much (asocial), so there really is no question of me tolerating someone I don't, let alone having sexual fantasies about them.

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1 hour ago, anamikanon said:

But really, there is no such thing as tripping over a rug and landing in someone's vagina.

I know the topic is serious and I share a similar degree of skepticism over “it just happened” and “I couldn’t help myself” - everything is a choice - but I legit shot water out my nose on this one.

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10 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

These are going to sound like human socialisation 101 type questions but I'm gonna ask anyway because I like clarity. Bear in mind this is all hypothetical, ideal situation type scenario.

 

Is anyone, if they were of the required gender(s), sexuality and personally acceptable to you, a candidate for intimate behaviour (by which I mean kisses, cuddles, holding and I would guess for most people in this section, sex)? Is that what you would hope for?

 

Would intimacy be something you would think about before you knew the person (ie. you assume they're the correct gender but don't know anything else)? You could fantasise about it even in absence of knowledge?

 

Would it feel natural to you to progress to holding hands/kissing etc., to the point where you wouldn't even question it? Like a magnet drawing you in?

 

Conversely, how does it feel if someone does not meet your requirements, and you think of doing intimate things with them? Is that how you know your orientation?

 

Yes, these are inspired by the 'touching' comments on another thread.

as a sexual:

1) Depends on what you mean by "candidate".  If I were not in a relationship, then someone who met the various criteria would probably count as a "candidate" for sex in the sense that if things moved that direction I would continue (see below).  "Hope for" is also unclear.   Sex is fun so sure there would be some hope that things would move in that direction, but it is not a hope that outweighs other considerations.  

 

2) Fantasies and real desire are different.  I generally consider it rude to fantasize about sex with people I know  (because the fantasies might change how I would react to them in real life)   but I might fantasize about people I don't know well and with whom I have no intention of having sex.

 

3)  In terms of sexual interest, I could divide people into rough categories. 

 

a. People who, were the situation right, I would want to have sex with.  This includes people I fine particularly interesting / attractive.  This is a fairly small number. 

 

b.  People who if I knew better, might interest me sexually.  This is a very large number. I find a substantial percentage of women attractive.  In my case there are no men in this category.

 

c.  People who I would not want sex with under any reasonable conditions.  This is also a significant subset of people who I either find unattractive,  or whos personalities I find incompatible (which includes some physically attractive people), and since I'm straight, all men. 

 

 As far as progression: For me in a romantic situation, touch blends smoothly into sex. There is not "casual" touch with someone when I have a romantic involvement.  Love, romance, touch, sex  are all tied together in one bundle. 

 

 

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1 hour ago, uhtred said:

I generally consider it rude to fantasize about sex with people I know  (because the fantasies might change how I would react to them in real life) 

Huh, I wonder if this is common courtesy.  I dreamed about having sex with former coworkers and never felt like it made dealing with them weird.  Same with fantasizing, way back when I daydreamed about sex with people I knew.

 

ETA:  two things facilitated my ace-y behavior... getting a personal smartphone, where I have private access to things I’d much rather fantasize over, and someone buying me a sex toy back in the embarrassing days when you had to go to a “men’s shop” with booths and peep shows to get them.  Prior to that I was much more partner-y. 

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4 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Huh, I wonder if this is common courtesy.  I dreamed about having sex with former coworkers and never felt like it made dealing with them weird.  Same with fantasizing, way back when I daydreamed about sex with people I knew.

 

ETA:  two things facilitated my ace-y behavior... getting a personal smartphone, where I have private access to things I’d much rather fantasize over, and someone buying me a sex toy back in the embarrassing days when you had to go to a “men’s shop” with booths and peep shows to get them.  Prior to that I was much more partner-y. 

It probably varies by the person.  I'm just concerned that my fantasies could affect my feelings about people in real life.  This is especially important at work, where there are already enough potential problems with gender bias, with me having imagined a female coworker [redacted] me.  

 

This might be another allo / ace split.  As a sexual, sex comes associated with love, romance, and other strong emotional ties. Maybe for sexuals fantasies are more likely to distort relationships than for asexuals where there the fantasies are more likely to be purely physical (if I'm understanding correctly). 

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5 hours ago, uhtred said:

This might be another allo / ace split.  As a sexual, sex comes associated with love, romance, and other strong emotional ties. Maybe for sexuals fantasies are more likely to distort relationships than for asexuals where there the fantasies are more likely to be purely physical (if I'm understanding correctly). 

Yeah, I’m curious what the others think.

 

Do your fantasies include falling in love with people (during the fantasy)?

 

I wouldn’t think it would affect work any more than a crush would, but my perspective may be different.

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