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The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread


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8 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

But you must be conscious what spontaneous, real physical expression of emotion feels like. Laughing or crying, for example, and that what you're doing when having sex isn't the same.

 

EDIT: so actually you thought everybody fakes it.

No I thought women faked it.  Culturally I heard about men complaining that they didn't get enough, that women lie back and think of England etc etc etc....why would I not believe that if I didn't feel It?  Woman friends would say they loved their partners.  No woman friend ever said to me that they enjoyed sex until a friend bemoaned the menopause for reducing her sex drive. And I was over 50 by then.

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1 minute ago, alibali said:

So I do not agree that asexuals are dishonest in their relationships and how they pan out. It is far more complex than that.

Would "not authentic" describe the situation better?

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4 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

You'll know you don't want sex, or at least don't care about it, but chances are you'll be trying to make yourself like you do, or act as though you had some enthusiasm for it, for your partner's sake or to convince yourself. That seems to be a frequent response asexuals report before they identify as asexuals. Since you're acting differently to how you feel, regardless of reason, you *are* faking it.  

I would argue that you are acting truthfully with how you think you feel going off all you know about yourself when it comes to sex which might not be much. I would say rather than faking it, I'd say you'd be more in denial and dishonest with yourself. But if you're being unconsciously dishonest with yourself there is no way you're purposely making a decision to be dishonest with some one else or faking it because you aren't even aware what the actual issue is. I mean it's one thing if you're repulsed and forcing yourself when there are clear signs you don't want it but if you're gray like me and didn't mind sex or it hurt and you thought ok well I just have to try something different to make it work because this is how it works when you're dating someone and there are no other options then it's not as clear what's wrong with the situation. I kept thinking oh I just have to find someone I'm sexually attracted to. Or oh it just hurts because I haven't done it enough. Or I'm not aroused enough before hand. Or this guy isn't good at touching me I have to find someone who is. Or.....and the list goes on. But I can tell you what wasn't on that list. Asexuality. I didn't know that was an option or a thing.

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6 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

That makes sense. I suppose I was thinking of asexuals who in good faith and for the best of reasons I trying to fake it till they make, or who give every appearance of being into sex while they're doing it because they think everyone else is exaggerating their reactions too.

Oh. Ok! I misunderstood. 

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Hi! I've read a few sexuals on this site say that sex is really important in a relationship. Like, sometimes it's not just a desire, it becomes a need to keep the relationship going, and a lack of it can make the sexual partner very unhappy. That's all fine, I get that. I was just wondering... would that apply to the same extent to a sexual partner who is a virgin? Can they miss something they haven't tried yet? Thanks in advance.

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45 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

How weird. I was just thinking about that. 

 

I guess I wouldn't know what I was missing, so it wouldn't be as bad in that way, but I'd know I was missing something I really wanted.

Great minds.

 

Thanks for the reply anyway!

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2 hours ago, Browncoat10 said:

would that apply to the same extent to a sexual partner who is a virgin? Can they miss something they haven't tried yet?

A sexual partner who is a virgin would still feel that something is missing. You'd cuddle or kiss, and the sexual partner would wonder if there isn't more you could do. There would always be some body parts, some types of touches and caresses, off limits.

 

Whether or not that is to the same extent, I have no idea. But it's likely that a sexual partner will find ways to cross these limits, either with or without their official partner.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I am a gray asexual with a question for sexual partners.

 

I have recently entered my first sexual relationship and my desire to be with my partner actually surprises me. I am very attracted to him and enjoy all aspects of our intimacy, but I have been unable to orgasm. I've read it can be harder for women, but I think I can get there after a bit of trial and error. He still seems really worried about it. He told me he thought it meant he was a bad partner. When we first started this, he would apologize when he finished before me and shrink away. Occasionally, he would hide his face or lock himself in the bathroom. I have trouble wrapping my brain around it.

 

I was wondering if any other couples have this issue with their sex positive ace partner not orgasming or even not wanting to (as I initially did not want to). Or any insights into some of his way of thinking that can help me in communicating with him? I know he is his own person with his own thoughts, but he doesn't seem too keen to elaborate further on this yet.

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Thank you so much for your insights, Telecaster68 :)

 

Yes, it was quite obvious from the first time we hung out that he is sexual. The moment I realized that he was flirting, I told him straight up that I wasn’t sure I could have or would want a physical relationship at all. Somehow, we made a safe space and it has all developed this way. 0.o It was very confusing at first, but I am happy that we are in this kind of relationship.

 

21 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

You don't spell it out, but I assume he's sexual, and for most sexuals, giving our partner's pleasure, as a way of sharing our own experience is really, really important. From his perspective, you not orgasming is him failing to do that, so he's doing something very wrong, and maybe even thinking you're putting yourself through something you don't like purely for his benefit.

I was wondering if this might be where his brain is going based off where he tends to trail off and clam up during conversation. I can admit there are times when I hesitate for probably longer than is normal during intimacy, because I don’t know what to do. I am certainly not without some tendencies (that I believe come from being demi/gray ace) that probably seem odd in an adult relationship. 

 

21 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

With a bit more confidence from him that you're fine with this, this process could be fun and increase your levels of intimacy, so really it's about reassuring him that you're fine and enjoying yourself even without orgasm (and you're right, this is the case for a lot of people, especially women). If he's not convinced by your words, then maybe really showing how much you're getting out of it, by heightening your own obvious responses can help - not to the extent of lying, but when there is something you're really enjoying, lay it on thick verbally, aurally, and with how he can see you reacting.

I will continue to communicate with him and reassure him. I... I am currently doing my best to let him know what I like and to figure out what he likes, but I really don’t know what I am doing half of the time. He went and made me fall head over heals for him and I have great difficulty expressing this. I have never loved anyone romantically before (emotionally or physically) and... if it is possible... I don’t want anyone else. All I can do is my best, right? 😄

 

One more question... Should I reccomend he read some asexual articles or even join the AVEN forum? I steered him away from this initially because I wanted him to listen to me, not make assumptions. Do you think it could be helpful? hurtful? 😬 Would he hate knowing that I have asked for advice on a forum? 😱

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  • 2 weeks later...

Faking is lying, but perhaps done with love. It can be in the same category as putting on enthusiasm about a silly boardgame when playing with your kids. You dont really care about the game. You care about the kid and wants to share a good, quality moment with them. No need to break their hearts by saying “look, kiddo! I dont care about this stupid game. I just want you to win and put the game away!” Sometimes you can even end up having a good time. 

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On 17/1/2018 at 6:49 AM, HeyTay said:

I am a gray asexual with a question for sexual partners.

 

I have recently entered my first sexual relationship and my desire to be with my partner actually surprises me. I am very attracted to him and enjoy all aspects of our intimacy, but I have been unable to orgasm. I've read it can be harder for women, but I think I can get there after a bit of trial and error. He still seems really worried about it. He told me he thought it meant he was a bad partner. When we first started this, he would apologize when he finished before me and shrink away. Occasionally, he would hide his face or lock himself in the bathroom. I have trouble wrapping my brain around it.

 

I was wondering if any other couples have this issue with their sex positive ace partner not orgasming or even not wanting to (as I initially did not want to). Or any insights into some of his way of thinking that can help me in communicating with him? I know he is his own person with his own thoughts, but he doesn't seem too keen to elaborate further on this yet.

I think, some levels of orgasm can only be reached while the brain is also desiring it. Therefore the orgasm will not be so cosmically fanfuckintastic to an asexual, because then it would be more easy to want it again and then you wouldnt be asexual. I would recommend you two, to keep working on giving you a nice, little ‘mmmm, yes!’-orgasm.  I think that if you are talking about his penis shrinking, then you are forgetting other options to make you come.

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@HeyTay,

 

You say he apologizes if he finishes before you... does that mean you're mostly trying penetrative sex? If so, I'd recommend having him try other things (hands, toys, etc) cause people with vaginas don't tend to orgasm well from PiV. And he probably feels as if he's failing you as a partner, when really you two just need to learn each other's bodies a bit. 

 

As for how to communicate with him, just reassure him that you enjoy your time together, regardless of the orgasm thing. 

 

TMI suggestions:

 



If you masturbate, you could try doing it in front of him, so he can study how you like things to be moved. Or, using his hand with yours over his to help guide him.

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I am curious on an academic level. Apparently romance is a feeling? I thought it was something you do? What does it feel like?

 

There are words that describe feelings and emotions that I always thought were just the product of other emotions. Like you get romance when you add friendship with quality time or sexual attraction is when you add aesthetic attraction and romance? I've recently been made aware they're kinda their own things. The bonding I experience with partners is usually platonic. No strings kinda thing. I didn't know platonic was a feeling either. I thought those were just boundaries people set and agreed not to cross.

 

Like my husband super best friend and companion. I feel affection toward him sometimes but it doesn't feel any different than the affection for my kid or cat. Like it's just wholesome and innocent love. He's my favorite person to spend time with, my best friend, and I'm very content with our life. Contentment feels nice.

 

Is it wrong that I like the way I experience things? I don't think I'm missing out, and I think without hormones or highly passionate emotions in the way my feelings are truer somehow. Like I know I'm not biased because he makes me want to sex.

 

I realize I'm asking something along the lines of  "what does popcorn smell like' and I did ask my husband but he's terrible at explaining things

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 2/13/2018 at 8:44 PM, Apostle said:

I spent a lot of time and effort trying to please my SO but forgot to enjoy myself in the process as I was only thinking of pleasing her. I think that is where many people make a mistake. Men are especially prone to this as it is not possible to get an erection without arousal whereas women can, if they want, seem to make all the right noises and not fully engage. 

There is an old adage that depicts a woman lying on her back whilst being made love to and her thinking what colour to decorate the room. There is a lot of truth in this.

Please believe me, when you are having sex with an asexual partner, who indeed is thinking about the colors she would like to decorate the room in, you notice. I did at least.

 

It’s a horrible experience. I decided, 3 years ago that, that was the moment I gave up on our sex life. I told her. But as it didn’t bother her, and still doesn’t today, that we haven’t had sex since, I now have to find a way to discuss the whole thing with her. I sometimes question my self and my intelligence that it took me so long to figure out the obvious, the fact that she is asexual, and what the consequences are for me and our relationship.

 

It is massively frustrating. Who would break up a 20+ relationship over something as “trivial” as sex (no one ever died of a sex deprived life, right?) especially with kids involved. We have so much to live for together, she is my soul mate in almost every aspect of life. She wouldn’t mind never having sex again, but I’m sure I can’t.

 

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Dear Apostle,

 

I think you’re a little further down the windy road of a sexual/asexual relationship than Iam/we are. 

I have just told my wife, about two weeks ago, that I think that she is asexual. She doesn’t acknowledge it, doesn’t want to talk about, yet, but shared that she is very happy continuing life without sex. She doesn’t care about it one single bit.

I still want to have an honest conversation with her about the option of compromise (we used to have sex once every blue moon) as I would like nothing more than having an intimate relationship with her. But it has gone from little to nothing over the past years. As frustrated as I am, I did believe all the excuses and was hoping it would improve at some point. About two months ago she asked me to sleep in the guest room. Apparently because I snore too much (not according to the app I installed on my phone) and because I get up so early every morning (however no exceptions are made for weekends or vacations).It was the straw that broke this camel’s back. And that’s when I discovered “asexuality” is a real thing.

 

As mentioned I think we still need to have a few, probably very confrontational, heart to hearts. I hope she’s open for compromise, although after having had sex twice in the past 8 years and with the recent developments, I’m sceptical about it. I’m open to see what she’s willing to accept in terms of me seeing someone else. Although I have no clue what I would be looking for and what would give me the “wholeness” that I am so desperately looking for.

 

Have you had those conversations? Have you come to a conclusion about your partner’s willingness to compromise? Have you ever thought about seeing someone else or about having casual sex outside your relationship?

 

I'm curious to hear your opinion!

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Purple Wanderer

Other side of the coin. I spent years trying to force myself to be sexual to keep the partner happy. I wouldn't have been able to deal with knowing she was with other people. My case was an Impossible situation.

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Hi MrJ,

 

I get you! I have absolutely no interest to force her to do anything against her will. How could I? She’s my soulmate, best friend and mother of my three kids.

 

I was merely asking if it has been a consideration for Apostle.

 

For my relationship, I just want to go one step at a time. I’m not leaving any stone unturned and will not make any assumptions on what I will find under a next stone.

 

I understand your position of not being able to see your partner with someone else. Quite frankly I haven’t thought about all the implications if I was ever to see some else. I can only imagine it to be complicated and confusing. Than again, just “relying on myself” to express my deep desire to have a meaningful intimate relationship and get rid of urgent sexual frustration isn’t too appealing either.

 

Im deeply sorry your relationship became “impossible”.

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Purple Wanderer

Hi,

Impossible because I felt I was hurting them,  my partner was just so frustrated and I knew it meant something I just didn't want to see them stressed and annoyed over it!  - we have no kids or marriage or anything so it was easier just to end things

 

Just want to point out that by no means did I mean to infer you'd force her into anything! (that was just how I felt at the time!)

 

I hope it works out for you both, I have alot of sympathy for the situation!

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On 17/01/2018 at 11:19 AM, HeyTay said:

I am a gray asexual with a question for sexual partners.

 

I have recently entered my first sexual relationship and my desire to be with my partner actually surprises me. I am very attracted to him and enjoy all aspects of our intimacy, but I have been unable to orgasm. I've read it can be harder for women, but I think I can get there after a bit of trial and error. He still seems really worried about it. He told me he thought it meant he was a bad partner. When we first started this, he would apologize when he finished before me and shrink away. Occasionally, he would hide his face or lock himself in the bathroom. I have trouble wrapping my brain around it.

 

I was wondering if any other couples have this issue with their sex positive ace partner not orgasming or even not wanting to (as I initially did not want to). Or any insights into some of his way of thinking that can help me in communicating with him? I know he is his own person with his own thoughts, but he doesn't seem too keen to elaborate further on this yet.

TMI Alert. 

Spoiler

 

Net practice ;)

 

Masturbate. Masturbate often. Practice reaching a climax. Women often don't reach climax as easily as men. If you are new to masturbating it isn't uncommon even to be unable to get yourself off!!! Once you are able to get yourself to a climax reliably, you'll find it easier to identify what is preventing you from climax during sex. You will be able to describe the sort of stimulation you desire. Ability to climax is different from being asexual - unless you are also impotent/frigid/etc in addition, which doesn't sound like your case. You can, if you do the actions it takes to build the stimulation. It is like riding a bicycle. Once you figure it out, subsequent attempts get easier.

 

My ace partner identifies as "sex neutral", but is very positive about sex with me due to his feelings for me and wanting to share something that matters to me.

 

Some things observations from my/our experiences together:

  • If the "machinery" is there, it will work. Matter of finding out how, matter of finding the motivation to find out how (this can be an issue for asexuals) - one of the reasons he also likes sex with me rather than masturbating, because I'm actually better at getting him off than he is at it (he is very infrequent, while I have decades of sexual experience). A patient, observant and experienced partner is really useful. 
  • Suggest that your partner do less rather than more. If he overstimulates you, it will become harder to reach climax. The more he finds himself wanting to get you off, the more important it becomes that his actions are gentle. That is some very sensitive skin and soreness is not condusive to pleasure.
  • Maintaining arousal can be hard. Generally, whether for men or women, climax sort of builds sensations on top of each other, intensifying them. My ace is male, but he has found out that a stray thought can distract him so thoroughly that he can be thinking of something else altogether and have completely forgotten the sex he is in the middle of. Like say.... he's thrusting into me, he thinks of some dialogue from a play he had seen, which triggers something he'd been thinking about the director.... and he's elsewhere with his penis inside me! He has found that actively being involved helps focus attention better.
  • Experiments work better when you're not tired. My ace has fallen asleep in the middle of sex so abruptly that I'm still in a "MOVE, damnit!!!!" phase when I hear the snore!
  • He enjoys sex more if there is some sort of a "lead in" that he associates with a "sexy situation". Specific lighting, low stress at work, nobody else home..... are things known to help. Also apparently the scent of a shampoo I use. You could identify things you associate with an enjoyable sexual situation and make them happen.
  • Use toys. Women can need a lot of stimulation - particularly if new to climaxing and the rhythm that works can be hard to sustain for the duration. Even among sexual people, it isn't so uncommon for the woman to go "Yes, that is it, DON'T STOP" and the man.... stops.... to pay attention to what she is saying. lol A vibrator can be a woman's best friend for when sex isn't working on its own. For that matter, even dildos that you can move in exactly the rhythm you need rather than depending on a partner to read your already tentative mind.

Educating a partner also helps. While a climax is great and fun and all that, The world view of men on climax is largely that of one event. Women can enjoy sex quite well without a climax if they fail to reach one. They can also have multiple orgasms. More of a spectrum than an event. So it may also take some explaining to convince him that you do enjoy what you do with him, regardless of a climax. Easiest way to convince is to ask for a repeat. Climax or no climax.

 

I'm just putting all this out there. All the ideas may not work for you. Or even be applicable. you seem to enjoy sex well, so losing focus or sleeping may be absurd even.

 

I am very outspoken about sexuality and have decades of experience enjoying it and facilitating my own pleasure. Feel free to message me if there are things you'd like to discuss that arne't suitable for a public discussion.

 

 

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  • 3 months later...
Sweet Potato

Question:

 

In a long term committed relationship, how important is it to give your partner sexual pleasure compared to receiving pleasure from them? If your partner wanted to please you but had no expectation/desire to have it returned could it still be a satisfying experience?

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