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The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread


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On 8/29/2017 at 11:57 AM, Jakesbuddy said:

I am IMO very sexual.  Touching my wife's breasts,  legs, butt, rubbing her back etc all arouse me sexually.  It's just does.  IMHO memorizing my wife,  is remembering my happy sexual experiences with her visually and emotionally.  These memories help me survive my own bouts of depression.  They also help me masturbate without using porn. 

Interesting. Thank you for your reply! It sounds like even the memories of sexual activity are pretty powerful. That's not something that really occurred to me before. 

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13 hours ago, Quinoa said:

Interesting. Thank you for your reply! It sounds like even the memories of sexual activity are pretty powerful. That's not something that really occurred to me before. 

For some long runs they are all I have. 

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  • 5 weeks later...
swirl_of_blue

A question to sexuals: is they a way to find a good source of information on what sexual relationships and sex in relationships are really like? I think I have a very good grasp of different sex acts that can be performed, due to watching porn and reading erotica, but I don't actually understand sexual relationships at all. I read a couple of websites that have "ask a woman/man about sex and love" columns where men ask women and vice versa, but everything in those articles just seems as fake as porn. The same goes for those lists of "10 things a woman/man should/ shouldn't do when having sex", "how to get your partner in a mood" and so on. It seems like being in a sexual relationship is all about learning to know how to manipulate your partner into having sex even at times when they don't really want to, and learning ways to deceive them. Sex seems to be the endgame and everything else is just done to get closer to that goal of intercourse. These sorts of articles are also so full of gender stereotypies that I can't even take them seriously.

 

So porn isn't true. Erotica isn't true. These sort of rubbish "articles" aren't true. Where can I find good information to further my understanding of how sexual relationships actually work? I've even tried reading "sex guides" but they too just confuse me even more. I understand that not every sexual is the same and people surely think of sex very differently, but I assume there are some things that are usually assumed to happen in real-life sex and relationships where sex is present.

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A few years ago, already in my fourties, I read a translation of an older book (there are newer editions available):

https://www.amazon.com/Sex-Book-Suzi-Godson/dp/0304359912/ref=sr_1_1

 

I guess it's targetting adolescents and young adults, but I liked it anyway. It's not specifically about relationships, but the tone is quite respectful and definitely not about picking up or tricking partners into sex. If you can find a cheap copy, maybe you want to have a look.

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21 hours ago, swirl_of_blue said:

It seems like being in a sexual relationship is all about learning to know how to manipulate your partner into having sex even at times when they don't really want to, and learning ways to deceive them. Sex seems to be the endgame and everything else is just done to get closer to that goal of intercourse.

Unfortunately, this is not a completely unrealistic description. I haven't much personal experience with this myself, but the limited knowledge I have from talking to others, that's how it actually often does go down in reality. Some of my male friends have been burned by women who used them for sex and self gratification. I've known people who ended up neglecting their friends and ended up getting kicked out of their circle of friends, due to a controlling girlfriend, and the main reason they stayed in the relationship was because they were sexually dependent on their partner. One of my female friends was coerced by her partner to cut off contact with me because he was jealous, and you can bet part of why he had this power over her was sexual. The list goes on. Relationships in real life are often highly toxic things, where sexual desires have way bigger influence over a person than is healthy. Not that I'm saying *all* sexual relationships are like this, or that non-sexual relationships are never like this.

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Stoic_Rebuttal
On 01/10/2017 at 5:49 PM, swirl_of_blue said:

A question to sexuals: is they a way to find a good source of information on what sexual relationships and sex in relationships are really like? I think I have a very good grasp of different sex acts that can be performed, due to watching porn and reading erotica, but I don't actually understand sexual relationships at all. I read a couple of websites that have "ask a woman/man about sex and love" columns where men ask women and vice versa, but everything in those articles just seems as fake as porn. The same goes for those lists of "10 things a woman/man should/ shouldn't do when having sex", "how to get your partner in a mood" and so on. It seems like being in a sexual relationship is all about learning to know how to manipulate your partner into having sex even at times when they don't really want to, and learning ways to deceive them. Sex seems to be the endgame and everything else is just done to get closer to that goal of intercourse. These sorts of articles are also so full of gender stereotypies that I can't even take them seriously.

 

So porn isn't true. Erotica isn't true. These sort of rubbish "articles" aren't true. Where can I find good information to further my understanding of how sexual relationships actually work? I've even tried reading "sex guides" but they too just confuse me even more. I understand that not every sexual is the same and people surely think of sex very differently, but I assume there are some things that are usually assumed to happen in real-life sex and relationships where sex is present.

Best source of information: your partner. Best way to learn about sex is to practice. The truth is, there is no guide. And I guarantee you that sexual relationships are not nearly as insidious as the shit media you're consuming makes them out to be. Sure, articles and porn can give you suggestions or you can draw some creativity from them, but I implore you to not use them as a how-to. Porn is a hyper-exaggerated dramatization of sex. It is in no way reflective of the real thing. It's a masturbatory aid, and nothing more, really. Cosmo articles are for... well, that, I can't really tell you. I never understood them myself. I once read such a list of 10 things you can do for your man in bed, and laughed pretty hard about it. It's like they were written by aliens or something.

 

In truth, a real sexual relationship has very little to do with sex. Think of it like practical special effects in a movie. Star Wars has lightsabers in it, and often the most exciting part about a Star Wars movie is the lightsaber duel, but the movie isn't about lightsabers. It's about Luke, Leia, Darth Vader, and the story they're telling. In a healthy relationship between a sexual couple, the most exciting part about their relationship might very well be the sex, but it's hardly what the relationship is about.

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swirl_of_blue
2 minutes ago, Stoic_Rebuttal said:

Best source of information: your partner

But I don't have a partner! And in the case I one day have one, I want to be ready and have the skills I need to keep them happy. There has to be a way to study by myself somehow. Otherwise going into a relationship would be like having to take a test at school or university without having had any study materials beforehand or having practised at all. That, to me, is not fair! I have been wondering if I could find resources meant for professional prostitutes (surely they somehow learn what to do. Who whould even hire a prostitute who has no idea what they are doing?) where I could learn how to fake effectively enough that a partner wouldn't notice it.

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Stoic_Rebuttal
2 minutes ago, swirl_of_blue said:

But I don't have a partner! And in the case I one day have one, I want to be ready and have the skills I need to keep them happy. There has to be a way to study by myself somehow. Otherwise going into a relationship would be like having to take a test at school or university without having had any study materials beforehand or having practised at all. That, to me, is not fair! I have been wondering if I could find resources meant for professional prostitutes (surely they somehow learn what to do. Who whould even hire a prostitute who has no idea what they are doing?) where I could learn how to fake effectively enough that a partner wouldn't notice it.

Oh God love ya. Haha... Hate to break it to you, but trial and error is how we do it. Every sexual person has their "losing my virginity" story, and it's always laughably awkward. At the risk of oversharing, mine was preeeeetty underwhelming. Barely lasted all of 5 minutes, and I had trouble even staying erect I was so nervous.

 

I don't believe there is special training for prostitutes, as noone would offer official training for an illegal profession. They too learn from trial and error.

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On 1.10.2017 at 11:49 PM, swirl_of_blue said:

So porn isn't true. Erotica isn't true. These sort of rubbish "articles" aren't true. Where can I find good information to further my understanding of how sexual relationships actually work? I've even tried reading "sex guides" but they too just confuse me even more. 

I'm asexual as you (and a fellow countryman I assume? that's why I dare to answer in this thread...). What my (ex?)-partner has told me: the connection is something you can't fake. Some can go to prostitutes but for others the passion has to be genuine and overwhelming and it should be very mutual and goooosh... you should lose yourself into the act so you can't really process anything and your body is possessed by some dramatic force that sets you in flames inside... It doesn't even sound so inviting to me (!) ... I guess if I ever end up in another relationship I will make sure they are ace before falling.

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7 hours ago, swirl_of_blue said:

But I don't have a partner! And in the case I one day have one, I want to be ready and have the skills I need to keep them happy. There has to be a way to study by myself somehow. Otherwise going into a relationship would be like having to take a test at school or university without having had any study materials beforehand or having practised at all. That, to me, is not fair! I have been wondering if I could find resources meant for professional prostitutes (surely they somehow learn what to do. Who whould even hire a prostitute who has no idea what they are doing?) where I could learn how to fake effectively enough that a partner wouldn't notice it.

My two cents, to be taken with a grain of salt.
 

Some sources you could look into would be psychology of relationships or sometimes in how to adult type guides. Try The School of Life, it's a YouTube channel dedicated to helping people learn life skills that they may have missed growing up etc. They talk a lot about relationships from the viewpoint of someone who is sexual. Otherwise, talk to grandparents or older people about relationships. The conversation starts awkward and will likely get really informative quickly as you ask more questions. People like to talk about sex if you haven't noticed, it's only starting the conversation that's awkward. I've always found my grandfather to be the best source of relationship information and advice because he has been there and lived it. My best recommendation would be to stop looking at the sex aspect and focus on the relationship part. It seems that most sexuals don't consider the other sexualities when discussing relationships so if you want real advice to do with sexual relationships start just looking for relationships.

If you want a more how-to pre-sexytimes  guide, stay away from tabloids, movies, erotica, etc. Talk to real people who have had real experiences. Preferably, people you trust not to exaggerate to much. And NEVER let ANYONE tell you that gratification starts or ends at the big O. That is complete and utter bull crap. 

As a spectrum in a sexual relationship (meaning I have no experience from a sexual point of view but a lot of experience from an ace who has sex point of view) there is almost always some kind of trigger that sparks the idea of intimacy. The frequency of this trigger varies from relationship to relationship and even within an individual relationship. Supposedly, women are more interested in sex when they are ovulating, I'm not sure if there is a particular time when men are more aroused. The trigger is followed by a kind of push and pull of flirtation, teasing and/or touching which (for sexual couples) comes from both sides. This also ranges anywhere from stereotyped tickling to a simple look and a nod of the head. It depends on the length of the relationship and the type of people. Sometimes the push and pull can get very pushy or forceful and how much of this is acceptable is variable and should probably be discussed sometime when neither partner is horny; but that's just my opinion. Push and pull is commonly followed by an explicit Yes or NO that stops everything or starts more erotic foreplay (this part is non-negotiable in my relationship... unless I say "yes", he stops).The rest you implied you already know ;)

I hope this helps a little bit.
but seriously look up The School of Life on YouTube, they have a specific angle but if you look past it, the advice is sound.

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10 hours ago, swirl_of_blue said:

There has to be a way to study by myself somehow. Otherwise going into a relationship would be like having to take a test at school or university without having had any study materials beforehand or having practised at all.

But a relationship is not a test where your partner will let you pass or fail. A relationship is about relating. You'll be in it together, and you're supposed to communicate with eachother (verbal or non-verbal) to figure out what both of you like, where both of you can compromise, and what's off limits. You will pass or fail together. If you want to practice, then practice to communicate with friends, on topics you find hard to talk about because they're intimate. And maybe study communication patterns, in theory and by observing them on yourself or other people.

 

On the romantic, sensual, and sexual level, it will be good if you know what you like or dislike. Candlelight dinner, sunsets, holding hands, pecking, kissing, caressing,... Because if you know that, it will be easier for you to communicate it to your partner. But no matter how much you know about yourself, you will still encounter new situations and ideas, where you will have to decide whether to try it out or not. And when you've tried something out, whether you want to repeat it or not. Again, communication with your partner will be key.

 

10 hours ago, swirl_of_blue said:

to fake effectively enough that a partner wouldn't notice it.

Please don't. For yourself and for your future partner. Just don't. Please. Any person worth being your partner will value honesty over sexual pleasure. And faking is dishonesty. Have you read some of the stories around here of sexuals feeling betrayed when their asexual partner eventually had to admit that they never got pleasure out of it in the first place? That they felt as if they had raped their partner, unknowingly, all the time they were together? Don't go down that road. Please don't.

 

A partner who deserves your attention will notice, or at least would want to notice, that you're not into it. You'll fare better in the long run if you honestly tell them: Look, I'm not really into this, but I don't mind doing it for you, and in exchange we can do some other stuff together that I really like.

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Otherwise going into a relationship would be like having to take a test at school or university without having had any study materials beforehand or having practised at all. That, to me, is not fair!

It's actually very fair, because that's how we all have to learn it -- through doing, not through presearching.

 

And being completely honest here -- for some people, the cluelessness factor (both for themselves, and potentially that of their partner) is all part of the fun and discovery.  Naivety can actually itself be endearing.

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49 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

It's actually very fair, because that's how we all have to learn it -- through doing, not through presearching.

 

And being completely honest here -- for some people, the cluelessness factor (both for themselves, and potentially that of their partner) is all part of the fun and discovery.  Naivety can actually itself be endearing.

True. I've had friends say things like "I wouldn't have to reteach him" or "No one else has ruined him for me." (uh, porn has)

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Carissakay123

I feel like a kind of sexual attraction to people like i want to touch them but not have sex with them like kissing is great but actual sex does nothing. I like the thought of just touching, and ill get ya know hot under the collar because of something but i never really want to follow through with actual sex and i like the thought of others having sex but i dont like actualling seeing the explicit act more like two lovers together and kissing but nothing else and i just dont understand and was wondering if anybody here had any thoughts on it. Im just very confused. Thank you.

 

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Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums, Carissakay123! Have some cake... :cake: :-)

 

2 minutes ago, Carissakay123 said:

i want to touch them but not have sex with them

Have you read about the different kinds of attraction? There's sensual and romantic attraction as well as sexual attraction. Maybe one of those terms describes your feelings better?

http://wiki.asexuality.org/Attraction

https://secondlina.deviantart.com/art/Sketchcomic-types-of-Attraction-298804729

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  • 4 weeks later...
Fantastic Name

My allo friends often use words like "cute", "hot", and "sexy" to describe people they're sexually attracted to. I used to think they all meant the same thing, but recently I've been wondering this: even though all those words are used to describe a sexually attractive person, do they all mean the same exact thing, or do they have different connotations to them? If so, what are the differences between them?

 

Also, can a person be sexually attractive for something other than just looks? (I know there are fetishes for intelligence, personality, etc.; I just mean in general.)

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Fantastic Name
6 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Wit, intelligence, energy, confidence, power... more or less anything can be sexually attractive to some people at some time. It's not so much that a certain person will only find, say, intelligence, sexy forever and always, but some people have a particular thing about them that's attractive if you like that sort of thing.

Bah. My logical thinking strikes again. :P Interesting answer, though. It certainly makes a lot more sense now.

 

6 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

For me, 'cute' would mean something like appealing/unthreatening/pretty...

Appealing/unthreatening/pretty in a sexual way, or just in a general way?

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On 1/10/2017 at 10:49 PM, swirl_of_blue said:

A question to sexuals: is they a way to find a good source of information on what sexual relationships and sex in relationships are really like? I think I have a very good grasp of different sex acts that can be performed, due to watching porn and reading erotica, but I don't actually understand sexual relationships at all. I read a couple of websites that have "ask a woman/man about sex and love" columns where men ask women and vice versa, but everything in those articles just seems as fake as porn. The same goes for those lists of "10 things a woman/man should/ shouldn't do when having sex", "how to get your partner in a mood" and so on. It seems like being in a sexual relationship is all about learning to know how to manipulate your partner into having sex even at times when they don't really want to, and learning ways to deceive them. Sex seems to be the endgame and everything else is just done to get closer to that goal of intercourse. These sorts of articles are also so full of gender stereotypies that I can't even take them seriously.

 

So porn isn't true. Erotica isn't true. These sort of rubbish "articles" aren't true. Where can I find good information to further my understanding of how sexual relationships actually work? I've even tried reading "sex guides" but they too just confuse me even more. I understand that not every sexual is the same and people surely think of sex very differently, but I assume there are some things that are usually assumed to happen in real-life sex and relationships where sex is present.

1: most of those lists in the magazines contain some truth but it is a “one size fits all”-idea. And a lot of it doesnt work all the time on everybody.  It is considered a nice thing to get a compliment about your looks, but too much feels either strange or as an attempt to gain something else or a looking past the person and just seeing her as a body. Never getting/giving a compliment can feel cold.

 

2: we, the sexual community of people with a positive approach to having nice spousal sex, understand that sometimes we want sex for the intimacy, sometimes for the release of stress, sometimes for the orgasm, sometimes for the mutual experience, sometimes for the lovemaking, sometimes for the fuck. And sometimes combined. You make it sound like I only pour coffee to my wife, in order to make her easier to get in bed. It is usually important for two sexuals to find this common ground where both “wants” the sex, and most sex in relationships does not look like porn, with hour long sessions of gymnastics and bodily fluids. Most sex sessions are shorter cuddles with a missionary or a hand job to finish it. 

 

3: if you want to know about sex, then you should read up on relationships. Sex is to most people a basic thing that they want and only  wants to happen in their relationship. Reading about sex will probably give you more guidelines about how-to-perform and how-to-get-orgasms but not so much about sharing intimacy and love.

 

4: I want honesty about how you(partner) feel. I will work hard to accept who you are and what you feel. I want for both of us to be happy and acheive some of the things in life, that we strive for. If you dont like it, have the decency to say it. Lying is a no-go. 

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  • 4 weeks later...

Hi, I'm not really sure this is the right place to ask, but I do have a question.

I'm Ace - I cannot understand what 'fwb' is. A person who used to be a good friend for several years brought this words and I couldn't really understand why it was such a big deal. After long conversation about gender and identity, we cut the contact and no longer friends nor business/project partner. I suggested that i could still ignore all those conversations and different values and there is no need to change, but the other's answer was 'no, it is a big deal'.

 

In what condition people start thinking about 'fbw'?

From Ace's point of view, I feel that the past years and other business we have worked together were not at all valued - what other wanted was just a handy 'stress relieve, without emotion/affection/commitment'. These thoughts still are disturbing, and lead me nowhere. But this is only my feelings, and I'm still in confusion.

I would like to know other opinions about 'fwb' and also friendship. 

Thanks.

 

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17 hours ago, Falcon7 said:

I cannot understand what 'fwb' is.

My understanding of fwb (friends with benefits, right?) is friendship on an emotional level, and sex to go along with it. Without the additional emotional attachment that usually comes with romantic relationships. But also less distant than sex with strangers in one night stands.

https://notalwaysright.com/mom-makes-a-beneficial-discovery/50749/

 

17 hours ago, Falcon7 said:

but the other's answer was 'no, it is a big deal'.

I'm not sure that I grasped what happened between you and your friend. If your friend suggested to have sex, in an fwb kind of relationship, and then said it is a big deal that you declined the offer, then I'd say it is your friend who doesn't understand what fwb is.

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@roland.o

5 hours ago, roland.o said:

My understanding of fwb (friends with benefits, right?) is friendship on an emotional level, and sex to go along with it. Without the additional emotional attachment that usually comes with romantic relationships. But also less distant than sex with strangers in one night stands.

https://notalwaysright.com/mom-makes-a-beneficial-discovery/50749/

 

I'm not sure that I grasped what happened between you and your friend. If your friend suggested to have sex, in an fwb kind of relationship, and then said it is a big deal that you declined the offer, then I'd say it is your friend who doesn't understand what fwb is.

Thanks for your comment. The conversation is funny but gave me a clear & simple definition, too.

Yep, that person suggested me - and couldn't really undersand 'Ace' does exist. After all, seems like that person didn't value friendship at all.

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I am sexual, a heterosexual woman. I can answer whatever questions you want to ask. If I don't know the answer, I will say so. 

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On 10/17/2017 at 9:18 AM, swirl_of_blue said:

But I don't have a partner! And in the case I one day have one, I want to be ready and have the skills I need to keep them happy. There has to be a way to study by myself somehow. Otherwise going into a relationship would be like having to take a test at school or university without having had any study materials beforehand or having practised at all. That, to me, is not fair! I have been wondering if I could find resources meant for professional prostitutes (surely they somehow learn what to do. Who whould even hire a prostitute who has no idea what they are doing?) where I could learn how to fake effectively enough that a partner wouldn't notice it.

You can't really fake arousal. And you shouldn't even try, because it would make you and your partner unhappy. Dishonesty is never a good idea in a relationship. But as to the arousal itself, you cannot fake all the body signs: a woman's vagina enlarges and gets lubricated when a woman is aroused. The labia also gets enlarged, which is caused by all the blood that accumulates in the region (enough to make me light-headed if I'm standing). Your pupils become dilated,  your heartbeats become faster and your face and lips become flushed. One sign or another may be different. Some women don't get naturally lubricated, for example. But you cannot fake all these signs. If a person has sexual experience, he or she will know you're faking. Not to mention you may get hurt if your vagina doesn't adapt to the sexual act through arousal.

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On 12/20/2017 at 9:53 PM, Falcon7 said:

@roland.o

Thanks for your comment. The conversation is funny but gave me a clear & simple definition, too.

Yep, that person suggested me - and couldn't really undersand 'Ace' does exist. After all, seems like that person didn't value friendship at all.

I don't know what really happened, and there is no way we can for sure know what was in that person's. mind. But in my own experience, fwb IS a big thing. People don't do it with just any friend. First of all, there is usually no sexual attraction between friends. So, there must be something else in this friendship. I have been in this situation, so I know. I have felt attraction only for a handful of friends in my life. They were special people to me, but not the kind of people I'd want to date for different reasons. There are lots of things I'll put up with in friendship that I wouldn't be able to put up with in a more serious relationship. And anyway, for a friend to suggest becoming fwb, in my life experience, is to say you are a special kind of friend. This person is opening up. There is a vulnerability involved in this. I declined when I didn't think it would be a good idea or I didn't feel attracted the same way, but I was always extremely careful not to hurt the person's feelings. It's almost like being invited to become somebody's girlfriend, and it is in some respects a much closer relationship than dating. I'm still friends with the few I got involved like that in the past. No benefits involved anymore, but these are the relationships that remained true in my life, even after a nasty divorce. On the other hand, a great friend of mine is ace, and I would never make him uncomfortable. I love him too much as a friend to make him uncomfortable, so if I felt any kind of attraction for him I would not ever act upon it. True friends don't cause each other discomfort.

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1 hour ago, Mimesis said:

I don't know what really happened, and there is no way we can for sure know what was in that person's. mind. But in my own experience, fwb IS a big thing. People don't do it with just any friend. First of all, there is usually no sexual attraction between friends. So, there must be something else in this friendship. I have been in this situation, so I know. I have felt attraction only for a handful of friends in my life. They were special people to me, but not the kind of people I'd want to date for different reasons. There are lots of things I'll put up with in friendship that I wouldn't be able to put up with in a more serious relationship. And anyway, for a friend to suggest becoming fwb, in my life experience, is to say you are a special kind of friend. This person is opening up. There is a vulnerability involved in this. I declined when I didn't think it would be a good idea or I didn't feel attracted the same way, but I was always extremely careful not to hurt the person's feelings. It's almost like being invited to become somebody's girlfriend, and it is in some respects a much closer relationship than dating. I'm still friends with the few I got involved like that in the past. No benefits involved anymore, but these are the relationships that remained true in my life, even after a nasty divorce. On the other hand, a great friend of mine is ace, and I would never make him uncomfortable. I love him too much as a friend to make him uncomfortable, so if I felt any kind of attraction for him I would not ever act upon it. True friends don't cause each other discomfort.

Thank you @Mimesis, your comment gave me a new perspective. I have never imagined about vulnerability.  I got an impression that you are caring person for people around you, and respect them regardless of their gneder identiy. Paritculary gald to know that a good friendship is possible between different gender and gender identity.

Sadly, it wasn't the case for my used-to-be a friend, 

 

Maybe I should explain a bit more, bear with my long post. 

So that person and I had been good friends for several years, and this year I started a new project, potentially can be an organisation. My used-to-be friend was invloved and gave me advice and provide some relevent info etc. We were many way different - I brave myself to other cultures and communities, the other is quite seelf-contained and not interested in building network or friendship in general. We've never been close. Share ideas, hang around a bit and had cig, that's it. I believed that things would be like this for many years. The other side might not think that way. When 'fwb' dispute happened for the first time, we relatively peacefully agreed to be just frind - have been just frind and from now, it's the same. I just trusted that word. But few weeks later, we had another minor dispute and the other side just didnot come to the meeting for the project. Explanation was that, I talked about the things the other doesn't like (like job and stuff) and my optimistic nature in general, and claims the need of stress relief (basically 'fwb'). At this point I recognised myself as X gneder and Ace, so I told that person but it made situation worse. That one just believe soemthing is wrong with me and I'm too stubborn to change. It really crossed the line and It was the dead-end of the whole uncomfortable conversation. I tried my best to be honest about other side's questions about gender identity. I just felt my efforts went in vein, betrayed, disrespected and the friendship and project we had built were nothing for the other. So, yeah this is the whole story really.

Sorry for writing such long, but this thing still circling my mind...

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 10/17/2017 at 5:18 AM, swirl_of_blue said:

But I don't have a partner! And in the case I one day have one, I want to be ready and have the skills I need to keep them happy. There has to be a way to study by myself somehow.

A relationship is a lot more then about sex. The media portrays sex as the end goal of relationships, but in a good relationship that shouldn't be the case. Sex is gonna be awkward for the first time no matter who you're with because everyone likes different things and the first time you're with someone neither person has any idea of what the other likes. The only way to practice for a person is to practice with that person. Communication is the key to all aspects of a good relationship. 

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If you are asexual and don't know It, you aren't really faking it are you. It's not really dishonest.  For 30+ years I thought only men got aroused and thought sex was something you did for your man and procreation.  I admit I also assumed and hoped it would drop off as we got older (pun intended and no it didn't). I had a mind altering conversation with a female friend who I knew wouldn't pull my leg.

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15 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

You'll know you don't want sex, or at least don't care about it, but chances are you'll be trying to make yourself like you do, or act as though you had some enthusiasm for it, for your partner's sake or to convince yourself. That seems to be a frequent response asexuals report before they identify as asexuals. Since you're acting differently to how you feel, regardless of reason, you *are* faking it.  

Ok fair enough but you dont really know you are faking it. After all what examples do you have in practice unless you happened on your parents or someone else mid orgasm. You have to discount anything you see in movies or whatever because they are faking it.

  

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