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Insecurities in a Mixed Relationship


closetPonyfan

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closetPonyfan

Why is it that the more comfortable she is with being openly Aro-Ace, and the more it gets brought up, the more I feel I'm being distanced from her?

:(

Why is it that the more comfortable she is with being openly Aro-Ace, and the more it gets brought up, the more I feel I'm being distanced from her?

:(

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closetPonyfan

Any ace/aro people keeping up with this thread? Are you now, or have you ever been in love with someone either within the context of being in a relationship with them, or not? If so, what does love feel like to you? Is there any kind of emotional feeling to it, or is sit strictly a logical "this person is great because of A, B, and C. I trust them and want to keep them around" kind of thing? Are there any physiological or emotional reactions to being with them, or being separated from them? How would you feel if they were not able to be happy in mixed relationship?

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Star Inkbright

Any ace/aro people keeping up with this thread? Are you now, or have you ever been in love with someone either within the context of being in a relationship with them, or not? If so, what does love feel like to you? Is there any kind of emotional feeling to it, or is sit strictly a logical "this person is great because of A, B, and C. I trust them and want to keep them around" kind of thing? Are there any physiological or emotional reactions to being with them, or being separated from them? How would you feel if they were not able to be happy in mixed relationship?

Hi, aro/ace here.

Obviously I am an individual person and I can't speak for all aro/aces . . . but personally, I can definitely love people regardless of the fact I don't experience sexual or romantic attraction (although I haven't loved anyone within the context of a romantic/sexual relationship as I tend to avoid getting myself into those). I'm not sure I can explain what love feels like for me, because love is such a hard thing to explain (emotions are hard in general). If you look at threads where romantics are trying to explain what romantic love feels like, you'll usually get someone saying "but that's how platonic love feels like for me . . ." And this isn't because they feel the same, it's because when you try to put them into words the descriptions pretty much match. I believe this is both because all love is similar, if not the same, and because worded descriptions of love just do not do the job.

Anyway, for me, love is definitely an emotional thing and not a mental checklist ("this person rocks A, B and C.") Objectively I know one human is not better than any other human and so logically I know that there can't be anything special about the people I love, but they're special to me. And when my friend asks me if she ever murderedd someone, would I go and visit her in prison, I say yes, of course, becausd it feels like I'd love her regardless of what she did because it's, you know, an unconditional kind of thing. My dad's said the same thing to me, incidentally - that whatever I did, even if I killed someone, he'd still love me and be on my side. Platonic love is definitely love, just, you know, platonic.

And yes, there are emotional reactions from being with people and being separated. If I'm having an awful day, then just speaking to my friends a bit on WhatsApp can make me smile and feel like it's all more okay. And if my friend is off school because she's ill then the day seems much less brighter without her. I know one of my friends went on an internetless holiday once for two weeks and near the end my other friend was literally sat at home crying because she missed her so much. And there was definitely nothing romantic there because they're definitely both female and straight. Hell, just last night I had a dream where my friend moved away to America and I was crying in my sleep because I didn't want to go through my life without her.

Also, personally, I try to avoid getting into romantic or sexual relationships. I'm lucky in that none of them people I love most want that kind of relationship with me, so a mixed relationship is not something I have to contend with. As such, it's . . . hard for me to imagine myself in the situation. Also, I can be a bit romance/sexually repulsed when people direct their attraction at me (one of the main reasons why my experiences can't speak for all aro/aces), so it's hard to distinguish between the "How do I feel about the fact this person isn't happy about me not reciprocating their emotions" and the "oh my god someone is attracted to me and wants me to reciprocate HELP." But either way there'd be some measure of distress, although the degree is hard to determine. Sorry I can't respond better. :(

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Amazing. Thank you Star . You could have just described my aro/ace friend, except her closest friends are lesbian . Funny , before finding AVEN I thought that she was the single most contradictary person on earth.

Here's something I find difficult to grasp in relationship with my friend. Tell me what you think : As you do ; she loves, loves, loves her closest female friends. She tells me she has had friendships with hetro guys in school , but the only three guys I've ever known her to be in relationship with ( not just aquainted) are her gay friend (a very sweet, funny guy ), myself , and her younger adult brother. While being absolutely analytical , reserved and often pessimistic about all other persons (including friends) , she adores this young man -who , honestly , is a total F-up ! She'll go out of her way and comfort zone to see to this fellows happiness . Awesome, right ? But way out of character. When questioned for the reasoning , the obvious answer expected being " I love my baby brother!" , no - it's like she believes that to be contradictory to her lifestyle and replies "I have to help my parents out with this F-up , he makes their lives difficult." Yeah , if so , then why the effort for them ?

You see where I'm going with this , I hope. Do you have any insight for me?

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